BPD Mother reaching NEW lows

[Spruce927]

Hi All,

I have never posted on a forum, but I feel as though I could get the support I need from people who actually understand.  Thank you in advance for reading this.  

My mother (though undiagnosed) could basically be the poster child for BPD.  Although, she manipulates her therapists and would never cast herself in a negative light I wish she would be honest.  I wish she would help herself, but I am at peace that she will not.  

I'm not going to go into the whole history of her behavior because I am looking for some help with whats going on right now, but here's a brief story.   I am 30 years old.  My parents divorced when I was 25 because of my fathers infidelity.  She found out about cheating that had been happening (although she found him cheating when we were young as well.)  This time it involved more people, and some were closer to her.  

My parents were together for 30 years.  When she confirmed his cheating, she went on an absolute rampage.  I cannot describe the full amount here, but my life became so chaotic and anxiety filled that I ended up on an SSRI, and Klonopin because I was having panic attacks.  I had a brave face, but the way my mother acted made it nearly impossible for my dad, sister, and I to function.  Now that I'm educating myself, I realize this was the "worst nightmare" situation for her.  She was abandoned and in true BPD behavior, she "punished" us.  I got calls of her attempted suicides as well as erratic visits from her at inappropriate hours.  Boundaries do not exist to my mother.  

After the divorce, there were some major rifts and damage done to the family.  We even ended up in family courts.  It was a mess.  My mother and father fought a financial battle over his business.  The drama never ended. I was angry with my father for his actions, and closer to my mom at the time who would vilify him.  

I sat across from my mother on holidays and birthdays sobbing as I missed my father who had previously been active in my life.  Without telling the entire story, after almost 3 years of not speaking to my dad, we got into contact.  He brought up the "emails" and how much they bothered him.  I was confused as I had not ever emailed my father during the time we didn't speak.  He looked at me blankly stating that he had emailed me countless times and I would just write back the "nastiest" and "cruelest" things.  

I found out that my mother had been emailing my father AS ME for all of that time.  I got the email address (which is a variation of my actual email address.)  My dad said that at one point he wrote back "you would have thought I was married to you," thinking it was me.  It's sickening because he was in fact married to her.  My own mother was impersonating me.  

She damaged a relationship between me and my dad for so long its hard to even think about it.  I met with my dad for dinner and we compared notes and it turns out she has been harassing him for YEARS, while parading around that he's "scum" and a "sociopath."  She wrote him as both herself and me.  

She talks about the damage he did constantly and refuses to move on.  Her emails to me are so erratic they can literally go from "I hate you you're not my daughter" to "I love you more than the world."  

I've only been speaking to my dad for about a week.  We both made an agreement to NOT tell my mother we are speaking because she will LOOSE it.  I confronted her about the email and she lied about sending them.  Even with the proof in my hands, she denies it claiming "she doesn't know how to do that."  Yet, she's amazing with technology and creating a gmail account takes about 5 minutes.  

The reason my dad actually RESPONDED to my mom (he usually completely ignores her) is because of a real estate matter from a property they used to own a while back.  A few weeks ago they got the check, and BOTH of them had to sign and split it.  This made him "back in her world" as he puts it.  While I was cutting myself off from her during this period she was writing me that I "have no one in the world, no family now." etc.  I know that "normal" mothers don't do this, but this is what I know.  

Her level of manipulation is sky high.  Yesterday was the hardest day yet.  She has been directing all of her recent attacks at my father.  I suppose she did her usual after they met and then she made some sort of demand he could not meet and now he's her enemy again.  

This caused her to do something that is extra creepy.  She has told my dad that she has progressive breast cancer and that they performed emergency surgery yesterday.  I told him this was untrue and he said "i figured."  She went so far as to make up that she was in surgery.  :)uring the "surgery" she emailed my dad some very vile letter.  He said when she confronted her about the email, she claimed it was a man she previously dated who wrote it from her account because he "hates my dad."  

The stories are getting more and more outlandish.  I'm at a loss, I can't even tell people because how do I explain this behavior? The hardest part for me is that I was of course the "chosen child" and i was the one who met her needs and the one she sought for emotional support.  I dropped everything when she "needed" me and was always the to made feel guilty or a "bad daughter" so I didn't put up proper boundaries.  

Even with all the help I gave her, she is throwing me under the bus to my father (her supposed enemy) complaining to him about how I am, how I act, and straight up lying about certain events that took place.  She will through even her only supporter under the bus for her own needs. I'm still currently not answering her and have made the decision to finally free myself from this toxic pattern and relationship.  

Anyone else in the similar situation of having to cut off a BPD parent?

Thank you for listening!

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Spruce927 &

I'm so very sorry for all of the trauma that you have been going through with your Mom... .so many of the members of this site will be able to commiserate with you, and know exactly what you are going through. You have found the right place to find people in a similar situation, and many who have also had to cut at least some contact with their BPD Moms. I don't have a Mom with BPD, but my Husband's Mom is undiagnosed with it, and we've had many, many, many instances of No Contact with her--most times initiated by her, but sometimes initiated by us... .

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? The Survivors Guide is a wonderful resource for understanding what you've lived through and getting a handle on working through it in a healthy way. The Lessons are also very helpful in learning how your Mom's mind works, and figuring out how to deal with everything related to her... .I really recommend them.

I know you said that you Mom has talked badly about you to your Dad; how has he dealt with that? Are you and he still on good terms? What about your sister? Are you and she close? How does she deal with your parents? I'm very happy you found us, Spruce927. Please read all you can, take care of yourself ad read the information about doing just that, and tell us more of your story. We want to help 

[MKG1015]

 

Oh sweetie. I know *exactly* how you feel. The things you put in quotes I could hear in my own mother's voice.

The stories are getting more and more outlandish.  I'm at a loss, I can't even tell people because how do I explain this behavior? The hardest part for me is that I was of course the "chosen child" and i was the one who met her needs and the one she sought for emotional support.  I dropped everything when she "needed" me and was always the to made feel guilty or a "bad daughter" so I didn't put up proper boundaries. 

This is by far, the hardest part. I have found that the only people who will believe you and understand you are on this forum. People who haven't dealt with someone like our mothers can't understand the things you're going through. My mother shows the face of a doting, adoring and wonderful woman and mother to everyone outside of the family. All of my friends and their parents thought she was "delightful." No one knew or knows what she is really like behind closed doors. It's hard for people to marry what you know to be the truth to the face she presents to the world. The easiest thing for them is to dismiss *you* as the one who "makes up outlandish stories" rather than your mother.

What you need to remember is that what she was/is doing to you is ABUSE and needs to be stopped. Stop "dropping everything" and running to her. Please please take care of yourself before seeing to her (supposed) needs.

Hang in there sweetie. We are all here for you.

[clljhns]

  Spruce927,

I want to join Rapt Reader and MKG1015 in welcoming you to the BPD Family.

I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing because of mom's actions. I am glad to know that you and dad have reconnected.

I did not have the same set of circumstances as you, but I did go NC with my parents more than 10 years ago. I felt it was the right decision for me as they were deeply entrenched in their own unhealthy behaviors. I am not suggesting you do this, only answering your question about anyone else going NC with a parent. I will tell you that I went into T as soon as I went NC. It was very traumatic for me to break away, so I needed the extra support. I am eternally grateful to my T for helping me through that time in my life and for also starting me on my healing journey. I am in T again, and am now able to focus on my needs entirely.

Rapt Reader has given you some great information on this site to read. Have you read any of the articles yet? If so, what really stuck out to you?

Wishing you all the best. 

[Adri]

Hang in there. I know exactly what you are going through. My mother is BPD, and my sister is now NC. I confess it puts a strain on me because I am the only one left, and now she is elderly, and even harder to deal with. She wreaks havoc and thrives on chaos. My solution is to take 'safe breaks'; when I know she is distracted with events that revolve around her. Take care of yourself!

[isilme]

Anyone else in the similar situation of having to cut off a BPD parent?

Yes, Spruce, I've hate to cut both off as both have been diagnosed either manic depressed and exhibited sociopathic behavior (dad), or bi polar, with strong BPD issues (mom).

The end of their marraige was... .explosive and dangerous, and basically at 15 I got in a car and drove across 3-4 states with a man who I'd a few hours earlier torn off of my mom, while he was trying to strangle her.  To this day, I can't figure out why I got in the car, but overall, he was the higher functioning of the two (which in the ned makes him scarier to me), and I needed an "adult" - Mom had been my "child" where I was her caretaker in all ways. 

Id tried to maintain various contact over the years, but frankly, in order to heal, find me, and not be dragged back down into the rabbit hole, NC is the only way I can go.  I am NC with both - Dad for almost 20 years, and Mom for about 5 from the last voluntary contact.  I felt sorry for her, and have been guilted into talking to her off and on in the past, only to find she tries to enmesh me again, and also likes to start using my name and information as a credit reference and to write hot checks.  These only stop after I've been NC for a while. 

It's okay to go NC.  If you had an abusive partner, or a friend treating you like this - remember, no one would question your desire to cut contact.  Shared DNA should not be the be all end all of who you keep in your life, if that person is toxic, and hurting you. 

I hope you're okay, and that things can improve for you, and you can find a safe ground with your dad and other family.  Even if they can't support you because they don't want to admit how bad things can be, remember - you have a right to not have things like this in your life. 

[Spruce927]

Thank you all so much for the support!

I have to say it does feel good to hear people say its ok to be NC.  I am honestly at the point where I know this is true and I must move on with my life.  In the past guilt kept me "helping" my mother.  Sadly, it only kept me in the tornado of her chaos.  I am working currently in learning and educating myself on the disorder as well as reading people with similar stories as mine.  It's been amazing to know that I'm not alone. 

We always hear so much about abusive romantic relationships and there's always a clear message: LEAVE.  However, when it comes to parents or "shared DNA" as user put it, we're often confused.  I think this comes from the whole "family first" culture we've been raised in.  That's probably why I remained in this abusive cycle with my mother.  I cannot IMAGINE taking what I took from her from a partner or friend.  She reminded me so much that she was my "mother" who "did everything" and "does everything" for me so often I let this get out of control. 

I guess the hardest part of NC for me now is the truth that my mom really did hurt, manipulate, and abuse me.  It's sad to be sitting down at 30 and seeing your mother for who she truly is.  Her "love" was pretty much an illusion and I have to come to terms with that.  I know my mother didn't not love me, but she truly is incapable.  I'm coming to learns that the person she loves least is herself. 

Thanks again!

[clljhns]

  Spruce 927,

It's sad to be sitting down at 30 and seeing your mother for who she truly is.  Her "love" was pretty much an illusion and I have to come to terms with that.  I know my mother didn't not love me, but she truly is incapable.  I'm coming to learns that the person she loves least is herself

Where are you at with this? Do you feel that you are in the beginning grieving stages for what you did not have in a mom? Have you read through the Lessons to the right on this board? I would also suggest reading the Survivor Guide, also located to the right on this board.

Are you seeing a professional to help you with these feelings?

Wishing you all the best.

[Spruce927]

Hi,

Thank you for pointing out my own words.  Right now I am coming to terms with the fact that my mom CAN'T love the way other people do.  I'm much less angry since coming to these boards and doing research on BPD.  I have read/watched videos ON the disorder as well as from people WITH the disorder.  For some reason I process things better when I fully understand them.  I was very resentful before, but now I realize that my mom is truly ill.  I am beginning to grieve for the fact that I never had a healthy mother, but feel optimistic that my life will be so much more free.  I already can feel the stress draining away.  I was essentially her care taker and this took a major toll on me.  I am beginning to heal. 

Thanks to someone else on the board I have read the materials you described.  I am also getting professional help from my therapist.  Thanks!

[clljhns]

  For some reason I process things better when I fully understand them

Completely understand this! I am the same way. 

but feel optimistic that my life will be so much more free.  I already can feel the stress draining away

Glad to hear this! You will find the stress continues to diminish the loner you work on the issues.

Thanks to someone else on the board I have read the materials you described.  I am also getting professional help from my therapist.