New, dealing with no contact

[WheatFreeJayne]

So I've been no contact with parent for several years. I did not explain it to them, I just went no contact. Since then they have repeatedly sought ways to cross that boundary. It has made it difficult to be in touch with other family members who have to deal with her.

One time said parent paid for sibling's plane ticket to visit me. I thought my sibling was genuinely visiting me and was excited, only to find out after sibling arrived that parent pushed them to go and paid for ticket, I feel at this point any interest sibling shows,is on behalf of parent rather than interest, though sibling told me they didn't want to have to choose between us. My sibling still maintains relationship in exchange for money. That goes against my values, but their relationship with parent different, and they has a different values than I do, so be it.

Other person involved is alt parent. I instructed both sister and alt parent not to reveal any contact info to parent. Instead parent guilts alt parent into forwarding information to me on various pretexts. Last year it was a request to send me an email because she didn't have up to date info (years later). I can't remember what triggered that request. Another was purportedly to get my correct address, because another family member runs a business, and supposedly they needed to send me documents. Legally it is not her business, I don't know why they contact her instead of me, but I can't seem to get them to do otherwise.

I'm not quite sure what to do to block these work a rounds to enforce no contact.

[Kwamina]

Hi WheatFreeJayne

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for sharing your story

Since you're hear talking about your parent, I assume you believe this parent has BPD. Is this assumption correct? And if so, why do you believe this parent might have BPD? Could you perhaps tell us some more about the behaviors of this parent that you find difficult to deal with?

Boundaries are primarily aimed at protecting your own mental and emotional well-being. There are different ways to set boundaries and in some circumstances going no contact might indeed be necessary to protect yourself. What led to your decision to go no contact? And is this the first time that you've been no contact with this parent?

[isilme]

Hi WheatFreeJayne,

I had to go NC with both parents and the majority of one's family (the other's is deceased) because when my BPD father kicked me out, and was rather vicious and nasty about it, and I thought I was welcome and safe confiding in his sister, my aunt, she could not stop herself from telling Dad and my grandparents all about me, what I was doing, how I was living since being kicked out, etc.  It felt like a betrayal each time I'd try to visit her, and find one of my grandparents had been told I was coming over, so they could confront me for daring call my dad out for kicking me out.  So I just stopped having any contact with them.  It was sad, as I've never been in a place where closeness with family has been possible, partly due to distance, partly due to the dysfunctions present. 

My aunt did not mean to do anything wrong, but she grew up with the mindset that the behavior of my grandparents and my dad were okay and normal.  They were not.  So I had to protect myself by ending contact, as I could not keep it.

My BPD mother, a substance abuser who is good at re-writing history in her victimish favor, came in and out of my life in my 20s.  By my 30s, I'd learned that I could not communicate with her well.  I had to be cold and distant to fight my urge to fall back into the old patterns of co dependency and manipulation, and also, the more I talked to her, the more she seemed to feel I was giving her permission to steal my identity and use my name on credit applications and hot checks.  I asked her to stop giving my number to people... .to which she replied she'd never given out my phone number.  We hung up.  About an hour later, a woman I've never met, from another state, who is my mother's neighbor sent me a nasty text message telling me how awful I was for not running to that state, giving up my life, and moving in with Mom to take care of her... .Guess how she got my number?  Been NC with Mom, since.

NC seems to be less of an issue if you do not have siblings.  I do not have people routinely badgering me to give up my boundary.  I am trying to accept being NC is okay.  Sometimes it makes me feel guilty.  But the two adults who happen to have donated DNA to make me, they've not been able to be a PARENT to me since the time I actually needed it.  My mother became my older daughter when I was still in gradeschool - I was her caretaker, her BFF, and to be her clone.  I was her emotional supply.  Dad had me filling in (in a non-touching way) as a surrogate wife about the same age, and neither took much care of me beyond 1st grade, talking him out of suicide, and taking beatings with his belt.  I had food, a roof over my head, and clothes, but nothing that I see my friends with kids do for their kids.  Hugs.  Homework help.  Someone to help them get ready for school.  Someone to explain how when you go to junior high school, you go to different classes when the bell rings. 

NC is okay.  It does not make you mean.  It is a way to protect yourself, and if you are new to learning about living with BPD in your life, NC might be needed while you focus on you.  Some people are able to make it work, with LC -limited contact, or are good at maintaining boundaries to protect themselves and their immediate households.  A big challenge is getting your other relatives to respect your wishes.  They sound enmeshed.