Ending relationship with BPD Male

[Jolow]

HI,

This seems pretty unreal to me but I have been involved with my pwBPD for 12 years! We have been completely non-sexual for at least 10 of them. I have only met 2 people he knows in all these years. WOW I suck and really need support! He has all the classic components of a BPD person, and I display the classic match. My story starts a little earlier than pwBPD... .

I have known for a long time I am codependent and did a lot of traditional therapy for it. So years ago I was very cautious when dating. I met someone at work and we dated for 1 1/2 years he was a great guy and it took me awhile to accept that I could be loved. We talked about marriage and he was working on a few issues he had so we had a better chance of success. Then he had stomach problems and after 3 doctor visits I finally took him to the ER in Seattle. They told us within the hour that he had a rare form of terminal cancer but might live 6 months to a year.

There was no treatment for it, no chemo or radiation. He told me he felt he would only make it a month. That night he asked me to marry him again and I said yes. I fixed up the living room where I stayed for him with oxygen & hospital bed.

He was in for testing for a week and a few days, when he got out we went to Vancouver BC and got married a beautiful Jewish Buddhist wedding with family and friends. So much love, we got home 3 days later and he did terrible so I called the ambulance for him and he was in the hospital another week and a few days. He died on the day we were to go to Hawaii on our honeymoon. To leave him there was so hard, a funeral, flowers, nothing, lots of love.

4 months later I met pwBPD on a train - I sat in his seat # so I talked and joked a bit with him. I had a male friend picking me up and as pwBPD was going north also I offered him a lift as far as I was going and he could catch a bus there. When we got there pwBPD asked to use my phone to call his brothers - oh they aren't home yet let me buy you dinner - oh their not home yet can I sleep on your couch. My brother said he'll be back in a few days - You need help here.

I asked him to leave he came back - he left for a few days he came back - I don't want to know anyone now go away,, call me in a year - he kept calling - and on and on it went. In all my life if I asked a male to leave they usually left after a few times of making it clear. I was ambivalent and grieving my world was devastated and here is this guy insisting that he cared and offering to help. A part of me didn't care, a part of me was gone with my husband, stay don't stay, whatever, a small part of me hoped he was went by husband... .how sad is that. I am from a town 150 miles from here so all my friends were there.

So after years of trying to make it work - futile - then trying to understand and help him - futile - trying to get him to leave and myself to disengage - futile - I ended up with breast cancer and got him out for 1 year then I was lonely and let him slide in again.

This whole stressful relating to him is killing me slowly - He drinks vodka secretly then rages - I smacked him in the face the other day, it was rush hour traffic, I was driving, he was threatening me and yelling this went on for 35 minutes or more. I didn't even think my hand flew off the wheel and I hit him with the back of my hand across the eyes, not very hard but he shut up. I have never hit anyone as an adult. He then gets to be the victim and I get to feel guilty.

I had him leave3 days ago, he went to visit people in Oregon but an old flame was there and ruined it for him. he called to ask if he could spend the night and leave tomorrow to stay with his brothers. I told him yes - then called him back and said I would prefer to not have him here he hung up.

I felt guilty and called a friend and she assured me that he will find some place else to stay and I am not an ass, still I feel guilty. I am asking this community for support to keep putting up boundaries and say no and not do this dance anymore. Please comment as positively as possible I really appreciate your input. I know this was long... .Thanks... .

[cloudten]

 

Welcome! This is a wonderful place.

While i cannot offer much advice in the way of boundaries since i am a newbie at it myself... .i do have to say this... .

You car situation happened to me exactly. I mean exactly.  My uBPDbf was raging at me in the car, which seems to be a frequent place for him to rage. I was driving... .he was yelling with his mouth to my ear... .finally he took my transmission and jammed it into reverse when i was going 70 miles an hour! I quickly put it back in drive and then from some place unknown, i backhanded him and hit him in the eye pretty hard. He was stunned for a second... .then claimed abuse... .then i pulled over and requested that he get out. He refused of course. Then threw my transmission in and out of gear again and again... .and i hit him again and told him to get out. In retrospect, i should have gotten out and left my car on the side of the road. My concern was that i had had a glass of wine at dinner and didnt want to risk a cop smelling that and getting a drunk driving charge. So i threw it back in gear and got home asap. It was terrifying. I have never hit a soul in my life like that. Something about him raging, disrepecting the fact i was operating a vehicle, and throwing it out of gear while i was driving was so malicious. The only way i guess i thought he would stop would be to hit him.

So i sympathize completely. I have been in those shoes.

But you have huge shoes. I am so sorry for all that you have been thru... .it must be devastating and to bow have to deal with this.

I suppose you simply have to be stronger than the BPD. You sound determined... .i can promise you that it gets better and easier. It takes a lot of time... .a lot. But you need to be determined to reinforce whatever boundary you put in place... .and no contact seems to be a great and popular way to go.

You need to take care of you first. You need to be the most important person in your life. Therapy has helped me so much. They can help lay down guidelines to deattach in a healthy way.

Hugs!

There is freedom! It is out there if you want it!

[cosmonaut]

Hi Jolow



I'm so sorry to hear about all of the pain and tragedy that you have experienced.  You have certainly been through an awful lot.  I can only imagine how deeply the death of your husband must have affected you.  I think anyone would feel as vulnerable and alone as you did at that time.  I know I would.  It was a beautiful act of love you made in caring for your husband the way that you did.  That's something wonderful about you.  Be proud of that.     You have a tremendous amount of love to give.

I'm also sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with your BPD partner.  BPD relationships are hard, and they can exhausting.  At times they can be very painful or infuriating.  I know you feel badly about striking your partner and we can recognize that violence is never acceptable, but I think all of us can understand that level of frustration.  It can be very challenging to relate to a person who is deeply disordered.  You mentioned that you are considering ending the relationship, and it is certainly fine to want to do so.  Everyone here would support you in that decision.  If you are feeling that you are not certain on ending the relationship, however, there are some things that we can do to try and help improve our relationship.

Relating to a partner with BPD requires that we approach the relationship in a different way than many other relationships.  It is not something that is in any way obvious or intuitive, however.  It requires learning a special set of tools.  People with BPD (pwBPD) experience emotions with overwhelming intensity, and it is attempts to control these out of control emotions that lead to so many of the negative behaviors.  Two of the most emotionally triggering events for pwBPD are feelings of abandonment and invalidation.  We can help our partner with this, however.  By using the tools on the Staying board we can better relate to our partners and to help to diffuse situations when they are feeling triggered.  One of the most important tools is validation - which is a way of acknowledging the validity of how our partner feels (although not their behavior; just the emotion).  This has a powerful effect on many pwBPD because they so often feel invalidated.  The other members on the Staying board would be happy to help you to better understand and practice these critical skills.  They can make a difference.

It is so important to remember, however, that this is not your fault, Jolow.  It is absolutely not your fault that your partner has BPD, and it is not your fault that he becomes so dysregulated.  You did not cause this.   BPD is a serious mental illness, and we can only work to improve the relationship.  We can't fix it.  And, above all, we did not cause it.

If you feel ready, I'd be interested to know more about what you are dealing with in your relationship.  All of us here can understand something of what you are going through.  We know these relationships are hard.  All of us are here to support you, though.  You're not alone.