This article helps me stay strong.

[hope2727]

This article isn't about BPD its about NPD but it might as well be about my ex. It helps me to stay strong in moments of weakness. :'(

I hope it can provide some strength to others here.   



www.blog.relationshipsurgery.com/20-signs-psycho/

[brokenbyothers]

17 0ut of 20... .describes our "relationship" perfectly! Thanks... .What the H were we thinking? If we all hang in there, we will eventually get over what we went through. good luck to everyone who found their way here!

[trappedinlove]

This article isn't about BPD its about NPD but it might as well be about my ex. It helps me to stay strong in moments of weakness. :'(

I hope it can provide some strength to others here.   

www.blog.relationshipsurgery.com/20-signs-psycho/

Hi hope, what in this article help you stay strong?

You must be very hurt and feel like you were going out of your mind when facing traits like gaslighting and other BPD traits and I can strongly relate to that. However, painting someone as a "psychpath" when they might be suffering from some other mental illness or personality disorder misses the point in my opinion.  Not saying that some (ex-)partners of members on this site are not psychopaths but over generalizing and finding comfort that they were the crazy ones (and beyond repair) might distract you from healing yourself, understanding why you were attracted there in the first place and why you stayed, etc.  There are a lot of great questions you may want tot tackle and confront with... .

Just my 2 cents.  TIL

[hope2727]

Not painting him as a psychopath. Just read the points and realize how many of them I endured. My first husband was actually diagnosed on the psychopathic spectrum. Not kidding. It was a long and wild ride long ago. So I recognize the difference and he in truth was ill and suffering too. I wish him no malice only peace. I wish him help for his disorder just like I wish my exfiancee peace form his illness.

However I am truly amazed how many of the traits on all of the axis II cluster B spectrums overlap. I am amazed how heathy people can have their boundaries whittled away at until there is nothing left of them.

I went through thousands and thousands of dollars of counselling after my divorce a decade ago. I was the queen of boundaries and wore out copies of code pendant no more. None the less it took only a few years of other huge life crises to not notice my ex fiancee chipping away at me. When I finally realized how much of myself I had lost I was stunned. I immediately sought therapy again and regrouped. My boundaries are strong again but it was far to late for my beloved.

The article helps me stay strong by not allowing me to only focus on the good. To take off the rose coloured glasses. I am forced to remember the horrific things that I allowed to happen to me. And illness or not we are ALL responsible for our actions. Even my ex's psychiatrist and psychologist told him that. He wrote it to me in an email. And he is right. I had a huge part to play in all of this. Of that there is no doubt. But that doesn't excuse his abuses illness or not. Even he admits that.

[hope2727]

This is another article that helps me stay strong. It also helps me find some modicum of peace.

www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[ReluctantSurvivor]

This is another article that helps me stay strong. It also helps me find some modicum of peace.

www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Thank you for sharing Hope.  This is a great article, I think I will print it out and put it up on my wall.   

[getting_better]

Great article.  That's why it's called "Borderline" - BPDs walk the line between psychotic and neurotic. So many recognizable patterns here.

[willtimeheal]

Great article. Thanks for sharing.

[once removed]

skip has more than a point about the internet.

if you havent, read the threads on this board. read threads from years ago. if you havent, youll see a lot in common. do "nons" follow a script?

[GrowThroughIt]

The most important part of the first article that Hope posted!

"As real as they [their problems, ie broken family, terrible ex etc] might be, and as sad as they might be, they are a trap that keeps you stuck. You can’t control what happened to them, and you can’t solve it for them."

You can't help someone conquer their problems, it's THEIRS for a reason! They are there for them to overcome them and grow as an individual. If they choose (I believe we all have a choice) to not tackle the root cause then so be it, we just need to walk away. This may sound harsh but I honestly believe this.

[Luckyfella]

This is another article that helps me stay strong. It also helps me find some modicum of peace.

www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Great article! Thanks you.

[getting_better]

"As real as they [their problems, ie broken family, terrible ex etc] might be, and as sad as they might be, they are a trap that keeps you stuck. You can’t control what happened to them, and you can’t solve it for them."

Excellent point.  I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. 

[once removed]

i sure did post on the wrong thread. forgive me. 

[Leaving]

Hope,

From reading all your posts and this one, it is clear that you and I have experienced a very similar hellish nightmare.  I remember many years ago, during the Scott Peterson trial, watching Peterson and realizing that he had many of the same characteristics of my husband.  I began having terrifying nightmares about my husband.  Even so, I didn't leave.

I feel the same way about removing the rose-colored glasses. It's very important to keep our eyes open and be aware of the red flags.   I am an empath- an easy target for covert manipulators.   I don't believe we should dwell on misery so much that it prevents us from experiencing joy in this moment but I do believe that the only way to prevent a repeat is to fully understand and acknowledge the mistakes of the past.  I have kept a journal in my marriage for over 16 years and it has kept me grounded in what little bit of sanity I could muster in a day.  There is no doubt in my mind that had I not had that journal, I would have driven myself to an institution or worse.  The nice thing about a journal is that I don't have to work at remembering incidents. I'm not bogged down with all that negative ugly stuff.  I know it's all ' in there' and that I can refer to it anytime I need to.  Hopefully one day once I feel confident and strong enough,  I can toss it into the trash heap but for now, it's my book of red flags and my reminder to honor myself with healthy relationships.  


You commented on how it is hard to believe how these people are capable of whittling us down to nothing and I think a lot about how this happened to me. I feel so frustrated and ashamed for allowing this to happen. I used to be so strong and independent and resourceful.  Where did she go?  People can't understand what I've been through and my mother said, ' I just don't understand how a woman could allow someone to abuse her'  Her comment doesn't surprise me though... my mother is NPD/BPD histrionic.   It wasn't as if I didn't tell people about the bizarre things I was enduring  or that they didn't witness it at times but it's so hard to see it for what it really is in the moment unless you've experienced it in a relationship.  A few years ago, I was walking out of the grocery store and a strange woman walked up to me and touched my arm and said, ' Honey, I know that look.  I've been there.  How can I help you.  I want to help you."  I began to sob and she held me in her arms and told me about the marriage she had escaped.    It's easy for the average person to assume that abnormal behavior is an isolated incident, an accident or a lapse in good judgment. We may call someone an idiot or a jerk and forget all about them.  When we live with it every single day, we adapt to survive and we must sacrifice a large part of ourselves to do that.  We learn to settle for crumbs that get tossed to us every now and then.  I really don't think anyone believed that my husband was capable of doing harm.  I think they thought I was exaggerating or that I was the problem.  I finally quit talking about it because it hurt worse for my words and cries for help to fall on deaf ears.   My husband was a coy and charming quiet man.  He seemed gentle and kind. He is a master manipulator of everyone and no one believed how truly dire and dangerous my home life was until I saw a therapist in 2010 who recognized the danger I was in and expressed her concerns for my safety.  By then, I was completely isolated with no friends, no job, no money, no family and whittled down to the mentality of a helpless child who couldn't make any decision and relied on my therapist to tell me what was good or bad, right or wrong. I kept asking her to just tell me what to do tomorrow when I wake up... .' get out of bed, wash the dishes, get dressed, put on makeup, call an old friend, exercise."  My daily life had become a series of small tasks that gave my life purpose and kept me awake and strong enough to endure each day.

Covert abuse is the most dangerous abuse of all and it played a big role in my husband's personality disorder.  It's always disguised as a good intention or an accident.  www.divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm  If he would have hit me, I know it would have been much easier for me to leave him right away but with covert abuse, I was always left wondering if it was intentional or not. I never had any visible scars.  I still have nightmares of him doing something to upset me or frighten me and then standing there with that sheepish grin asking, ' What's wrong, why are you so upset?'  All the times my husband did things that put me and or our dogs in harm's way were 'accidents' even though I knew better.  His behaviors/punishments became very predictable and I lived every day on high alert without even realizing who I had become until he left for a short time on a business trip.  While he was gone, I began to notice how I was easily startled by noises or thinking I saw him walk by.  I would hear doors open and my heart would race.  To this day, I won't get into my car until I check for fluid leaks, the tires, check under the seats.  I drive twice around my neighborhood before entering the highway to make sure my brakes and steering work ok. I'm sure my neighbors think I'm truly nuts.

There are  lot of over-lapping symptoms in cluster b disorders which is one reason why it took so long for him to get properly diagnosed and why I was always confused about what my husband's problem was. I knew he was passive aggressive since 2001 when our therapist told us that he was but PA behavior is usually part of another disorder which she didn't explain. Last year my husband was diagnosed as NPD/BPD but therapists we've seen all along  said that he exhibits sociopathic and covert psychopathic behaviors like ' accidentally' harming an animal.   His very first counselor in 1999 told me that I couldn't make my husband grow a conscience and neither could he.  I should have left then but I had never known anyone who lacked a conscience and couldn't grasp that concept.

All but two of the signs in that article apply to me and my marriage.  He never showed an interest in my whereabouts, never called me on the phone ( unless he needed something or someone else was listening/watching him and he was trying to be nice to me in front of them) which made me feel rather invisible, neglected and insignificant. He liked keeping me in the dark- always wondering where he was, what he was doing and he loved sneaking into the house or office and startling me.   I later discovered ( thanks to another therapist) that he wasn't as ignorant or aloof as I imagined and the reason he didn't need to call me or keep tabs on me because he was already doing that by covertly controlling all my activities and schedule and had successfully isolated me.   He doesn't have a ' bad guy' image.  He always makes a huge effort to appear  be mr. nice sweet guy.  However, he does tend to like ' big' loud things- big boots, bit truck, big phone, flashy fluorescent colors, loud music in his car that everyone can hear.  

[Left broken and confused]

Thank you Hope! That described my ex perfect

[hope2727]

Hmmmn just read this and it helped.

www.quora.com/If-a-former-relationship-partner-with-a-borderline-personality-has-launched-a-distortion-campaign-against-you-does-that-mean-theres-virtually-no-hope-of-reconciliation

The up and down of the cycle really made sense to me.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hope,

From reading all your posts and this one, it is clear that you and I have experienced a very similar hellish nightmare.  I remember many years ago, during the Scott Peterson trial, watching Peterson and realizing that he had many of the same characteristics of my husband.  I began having terrifying nightmares about my husband.  Even so, I didn't leave.

I feel the same way about removing the rose-colored glasses. It's very important to keep our eyes open and be aware of the red flags.   I am an empath- an easy target for covert manipulators.   I don't believe we should dwell on misery so much that it prevents us from experiencing joy in this moment but I do believe that the only way to prevent a repeat is to fully understand and acknowledge the mistakes of the past.  I have kept a journal in my marriage for over 16 years and it has kept me grounded in what little bit of sanity I could muster in a day.  There is no doubt in my mind that had I not had that journal, I would have driven myself to an institution or worse.  The nice thing about a journal is that I don't have to work at remembering incidents. I'm not bogged down with all that negative ugly stuff.  I know it's all ' in there' and that I can refer to it anytime I need to.  Hopefully one day once I feel confident and strong enough,  I can toss it into the trash heap but for now, it's my book of red flags and my reminder to honor myself with healthy relationships.  


You commented on how it is hard to believe how these people are capable of whittling us down to nothing and I think a lot about how this happened to me. I feel so frustrated and ashamed for allowing this to happen. I used to be so strong and independent and resourceful.  Where did she go?  People can't understand what I've been through and my mother said, ' I just don't understand how a woman could allow someone to abuse her'  Her comment doesn't surprise me though... my mother is NPD/BPD histrionic.   It wasn't as if I didn't tell people about the bizarre things I was enduring  or that they didn't witness it at times but it's so hard to see it for what it really is in the moment unless you've experienced it in a relationship.  A few years ago, I was walking out of the grocery store and a strange woman walked up to me and touched my arm and said, ' Honey, I know that look.  I've been there.  How can I help you.  I want to help you."  I began to sob and she held me in her arms and told me about the marriage she had escaped.    It's easy for the average person to assume that abnormal behavior is an isolated incident, an accident or a lapse in good judgment. We may call someone an idiot or a jerk and forget all about them.  When we live with it every single day, we adapt to survive and we must sacrifice a large part of ourselves to do that.  We learn to settle for crumbs that get tossed to us every now and then.  I really don't think anyone believed that my husband was capable of doing harm.  I think they thought I was exaggerating or that I was the problem.  I finally quit talking about it because it hurt worse for my words and cries for help to fall on deaf ears.   My husband was a coy and charming quiet man.  He seemed gentle and kind. He is a master manipulator of everyone and no one believed how truly dire and dangerous my home life was until I saw a therapist in 2010 who recognized the danger I was in and expressed her concerns for my safety.  By then, I was completely isolated with no friends, no job, no money, no family and whittled down to the mentality of a helpless child who couldn't make any decision and relied on my therapist to tell me what was good or bad, right or wrong. I kept asking her to just tell me what to do tomorrow when I wake up... .' get out of bed, wash the dishes, get dressed, put on makeup, call an old friend, exercise."  My daily life had become a series of small tasks that gave my life purpose and kept me awake and strong enough to endure each day.

Covert abuse is the most dangerous abuse of all and it played a big role in my husband's personality disorder.  It's always disguised as a good intention or an accident.  www.divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm  If he would have hit me, I know it would have been much easier for me to leave him right away but with covert abuse, I was always left wondering if it was intentional or not. I never had any visible scars.  I still have nightmares of him doing something to upset me or frighten me and then standing there with that sheepish grin asking, ' What's wrong, why are you so upset?'  All the times my husband did things that put me and or our dogs in harm's way were 'accidents' even though I knew better.  His behaviors/punishments became very predictable and I lived every day on high alert without even realizing who I had become until he left for a short time on a business trip.  While he was gone, I began to notice how I was easily startled by noises or thinking I saw him walk by.  I would hear doors open and my heart would race.  To this day, I won't get into my car until I check for fluid leaks, the tires, check under the seats.  I drive twice around my neighborhood before entering the highway to make sure my brakes and steering work ok. I'm sure my neighbors think I'm truly nuts.

There are  lot of over-lapping symptoms in cluster b disorders which is one reason why it took so long for him to get properly diagnosed and why I was always confused about what my husband's problem was. I knew he was passive aggressive since 2001 when our therapist told us that he was but PA behavior is usually part of another disorder which she didn't explain. Last year my husband was diagnosed as NPD/BPD but therapists we've seen all along  said that he exhibits sociopathic and covert psychopathic behaviors like ' accidentally' harming an animal.   His very first counselor in 1999 told me that I couldn't make my husband grow a conscience and neither could he.  I should have left then but I had never known anyone who lacked a conscience and couldn't grasp that concept.

All but two of the signs in that article apply to me and my marriage.  He never showed an interest in my whereabouts, never called me on the phone ( unless he needed something or someone else was listening/watching him and he was trying to be nice to me in front of them) which made me feel rather invisible, neglected and insignificant. He liked keeping me in the dark- always wondering where he was, what he was doing and he loved sneaking into the house or office and startling me.   I later discovered ( thanks to another therapist) that he wasn't as ignorant or aloof as I imagined and the reason he didn't need to call me or keep tabs on me because he was already doing that by covertly controlling all my activities and schedule and had successfully isolated me.   He doesn't have a ' bad guy' image.  He always makes a huge effort to appear  be mr. nice sweet guy.  However, he does tend to like ' big' loud things- big boots, bit truck, big phone, flashy fluorescent colors, loud music in his car that everyone can hear.  

Thank you for sharing this Leaving.  I was not married, nor did I face quiet as much time in or the threat level as you but so much of what you wrote gives me "ah-ha" moments.  I was so worn down.  Every day I struggled to go through the motions of work, school, eating... . I knew I was on autopilot, all motivation gone but part of my mind knew I had to do something just to keep living.  So many times I would be lost, empty, a shell and my ex would ask, "What's wrong?"  She already knew, constant neglect, silent treatment, gaslighting, and triangulation had ground me down to nothing.  I am a 6'3" construction worker, plenty strong and capable and this woman nearly destroyed me.  I still struggle with hyper-vigilance but I am happy to say my days are getting better.  All the little things that had become drowned in apathy are becoming joyous again.  It is like my soul is coming out of a long, harsh winter into the spring.  Thanks again for sharing, it has really helped me process some things of my own.  

[Leaving]

Thank you for sharing this Leaving.  I was not married, nor did I face quiet as much time in or the threat level as you but so much of what you wrote gives me "ah-ha" moments.  I was so worn down.  Every day I struggled to go through the motions of work, school, eating... . I knew I was on autopilot, all motivation gone but part of my mind knew I had to do something just to keep living.  So many times I would be lost, empty, a shell and my ex would ask, "What's wrong?"  She already knew, constant neglect, silent treatment, gaslighting, and triangulation had ground me down to nothing.  I am a 6'3" construction worker, plenty strong and capable and this woman nearly destroyed me.  I still struggle with hyper-vigilance but I am happy to say my days are getting better.  All the little things that had become drowned in apathy are becoming joyous again.  It is like my soul is coming out of a long, harsh winter into the spring.  Thanks again for sharing, it has really helped me process some things of my own.  [/quote]
I'm so sorry that you experienced that kind of spiritual death but you're living proof that we can be revived and heal our wounds.  I'm so happy for you and glad that my story provided some validation.  There IS comfort in validation   Your comment about waking up after a long winter reminded me a Dar Williams song that tells the story of how she ended up broken, depressed after a dysfunctional relationship and how she sought the root of her dysfunction (family), survived and healed.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QU8AN8CNl8

I too was in construction. I owned my own company with my husband and it was a disaster. I finally gave up trying to work with him.  I surrendered my business and my passion for designing and building and I don't think I'll ever go back to that. A few people have encouraged me to start my own company again but I think it's time to do something different and leave that part of my life in the past ( too many triggers).  I need a complete makeover- spiritual, mental, emotional and physical!  

Welcome Spring!

[Pingo]

This article isn't about BPD its about NPD but it might as well be about my ex. It helps me to stay strong in moments of weakness. :'(

I hope it can provide some strength to others here.   

www.blog.relationshipsurgery.com/20-signs-psycho/

Hi hope, what in this article help you stay strong?

You must be very hurt and feel like you were going out of your mind when facing traits like gaslighting and other BPD traits and I can strongly relate to that. However, painting someone as a "psychpath" when they might be suffering from some other mental illness or personality disorder misses the point in my opinion.  Not saying that some (ex-)partners of members on this site are not psychopaths but over generalizing and finding comfort that they were the crazy ones (and beyond repair) might distract you from healing yourself, understanding why you were attracted there in the first place and why you stayed, etc.  There are a lot of great questions you may want tot tackle and confront with... .

Just my 2 cents.  TIL

I think it's a balance... .Yes we need to move forward and self-reflect on our own role in the whole mess and learn from it but this article is very validating to what we experienced. It's a process in coming to terms with it.

I would say I experienced 19 out of 20 of those... .he wasn't a psychopath but the manipulation and complete mind f*#@ was the same. Thanks for sharing Hope!

[hope2727]

My therapist said they don't have to display all the traits. Its enough to low you aren't crazy for objecting to the ones they do display. I know I would ask my (ex) best friend if I was being unreasonable. He (he is a gay man) would say no I was not and my expectations were completely reasonable. Of course this friend also believed the smear campaign and now doesn't speak to me. Oh well. Better to find out sooner than later who people are.

I just miss my ex fiancee. Its so stupid because he took a huge tool on my life. He cost me more than I can explain. I miss who I though he was. Who he wanted to be but said he couldn't sustain. Its so sad in truth. The article(s) just keep me grounded in that i didn't imagine it. The abuse was real. The pain was real. The Joy was short lived and not worth the suffering that followed.

I miss who I met not who I broke up with. But I do miss who I met. I wish him all the peace in the world. I wish that for all of us too. Sorry no real new insight here just venting. Its a beautiful day and all I want to do is call him so best I go read the article again. Sigh.

[getting_better]

I miss who I met not who I broke up with. But I do miss who I met. I wish him all the peace in the world. I wish that for all of us too. Sorry no real new insight here just venting. Its a beautiful day and all I want to do is call him so best I go read the article again. Sigh.

Well said, Hope. I understand completely.  I've been separated from my BPD wife for 9 months and have to constantly remind myself that the abuse was real, especially now that she's trying to be so sweet to get me to come back.  My therapist told me yesterday to try and remember specific things she said and did during our marriage and to write them down.  Not with the intent to live in the past or stew on negativity, but just to remember.  I repeat this prayer to myself often: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  We can't change somebody else, but we can change ourselves. 

[downwhim]

Great article Hope, thank you!

[Hope0807]

Good stuff!  I'm glad to hear the articles are helping to heal.  For me, I have a parent who is an uBPD and an ex husband who is an uPsychopath. Some characteristics they share, others are unique to one personality disorder or the other.  Unlike many others, I think those terms/labels are critical to society and long overdue in our public media vernacular.  However, they are difficult enough to diagnose and the stigma is so great…so I DO understand the hesitation to use the labels BUT BUT BUT  when you look into the ashes (victims/survivors) and see how deep those ashes go…an ALERT in the form of knowledge and education is long overdue.  If I read any ONE of the over 40 books I have now read, my internal antenna would have saved me much sooner.

I do not share a compassion for anyone who knows the difference between right and wrong, yet has taken such cruel measures to destroy my soul and so callously responded to my pain.  I do not forgive purposeful, cruel intentions.  I am no doormat and never was.  I DO have compassion for the little girl (ME) who grew up with a disordered personality and my unique ability to remain comfortably uncomfortable with the person (and how they coped with the world around them) in my space.  I DO forgive the grown woman who allowed her rescuer/caretaker personality to be used, abused, and turned inside.  I have new lenses and my entire being is in Come Back mode.  There is no go back in a Come Back.

"10% of them kill people.  90% of them will make you want to kill yourself."  THAT was my life.


To the person who posted to what is the "old" assumption about BPD…this is from current diagnostic literature:

"It was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior.  This is no longer considered a relevant analysis and the term itself, with its stigmatizing negative associations, has made diagnosing BPD problematic. The complex symptoms of the disorder often make patients difficult to treat and therefore may evoke feelings of anger and frustration in professionals trying to help, with the result that many professionals are often unwilling to make the diagnosis or treat persons with these symptoms."

[Luckyfella]

Here is a good read/article (replace HPD with BPD  ) :

www.psychforums.com/histrionic-personality/topic53191.html

This paragraph helped:

"The void [intensified] - when you reflect back upon the relationship w/ your ex-HPD and all the aspects to his/her personality which led you to this forum: the theatrics, the drama, the attention seeking behavior, the idealizations, the arguments etc - when all of it is put in perspective, you come to realize that you have essentially been baby sitting an adult, at the very least, on an emotional level. All relationships tend to require a certain investment of time and attention, this is true. However, when it comes to a relationship w/ an HPD, enormous amounts of time and energy get diverted. Think about it hard, b/c as the relationship developed and you found yourself distracted by the drama and anxiety, you probably didn't quite fully take on board just how much of your own life and personality was effectively being sidelined to cope w/ the train wreak of a relationship you had. Once you recognize this, it makes perfect sense as to why the breakup hit you as hard as it did: when your life - for a sustained period - becomes less about you and more about another person, it is only natural that not having that person in your life will throw you for a loop for a while. Essentially, the dynamics of the relationship left you with less of yourself to go back to, hence a more intensified void exists to deal w/ and work on filling. And this overwhelming sense of loss will continue to haunt your days and prevent you from moving on until you make the mental decision to let go and regain and continue your own life (to be discussed)"

[Hope0807]

Luckyfella,

This was Soo good!  Thank you!

Here is a good read/article (replace HPD with BPD  ) :

www.psychforums.com/histrionic-personality/topic53191.html

This paragraph helped:

"The void [intensified] - when you reflect back upon the relationship w/ your ex-HPD and all the aspects to his/her personality which led you to this forum: the theatrics, the drama, the attention seeking behavior, the idealizations, the arguments etc - when all of it is put in perspective, you come to realize that you have essentially been baby sitting an adult, at the very least, on an emotional level. All relationships tend to require a certain investment of time and attention, this is true. However, when it comes to a relationship w/ an HPD, enormous amounts of time and energy get diverted. Think about it hard, b/c as the relationship developed and you found yourself distracted by the drama and anxiety, you probably didn't quite fully take on board just how much of your own life and personality was effectively being sidelined to cope w/ the train wreak of a relationship you had. Once you recognize this, it makes perfect sense as to why the breakup hit you as hard as it did: when your life - for a sustained period - becomes less about you and more about another person, it is only natural that not having that person in your life will throw you for a loop for a while. Essentially, the dynamics of the relationship left you with less of yourself to go back to, hence a more intensified void exists to deal w/ and work on filling. And this overwhelming sense of loss will continue to haunt your days and prevent you from moving on until you make the mental decision to let go and regain and continue your own life (to be discussed)"