Hi sbr1050,
Apologies for the long post. Hopefully it might help to pass on my own experience of the process of finding the right T for me
I would begin by saying that I think it's probably the most important and positive things that I've done, but it takes time and persistence.
I think it's hard to get good recommendations and the relationship between therapist and client is so very personal that a T who works for one person may not work for another.
Shortly after discovering my ex was having an affair I tried traditional psychodynamic therapy.
After 4-5 sessions I asked my T to give me an idea of how long our therapy might take, but he was unwilling to give any timeframe. I found myself growing frustrated and concerned at the lack of a clear road map for my healing.
At that point my ex and I started MC and on the recommendation of our MC I ended individual therapy.
Sadly MC didn't work out, but it did highlight the importance of working on myself.
At the end our MC saw us both separately. Her final words to me were "I think you need work out why you stayed in this relationship for so long".
I was very angry at this particular moment in time. Angry at my exes affair, angry at the failure of our relationship, and angry at the failure of mc. I didn't particularly want to take responsibility for my own choices, but I listened to her advice and took note.
Shortly afterwards I made a promise to myself that I would learn from what had happened and come out stronger, but before I committed to another T I decided to research different therapies.
I'd read about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it seemed to me that evidence based practice like CBT have a proven track record for achieving results within a reasonably defined time frame.
www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evidence-based_practice"Psychology
Evidence-based practice of psychology requires practitioners to follow psychological approaches and techniques that are based on the best available research evidence (Sackett, Straus, Richardson, Rosenberg, & Haynes, 2000). Evidence suggests that some therapy approaches work better than others.[not specific enough to verify] Criteria for empirically supported therapies have been defined by Chambless and Hollon (1998). Accordingly, a therapy is considered efficacious and specific if there is evidence from at least two settings that it is superior to a pill or psychological placebo or another bona fide treatment. If there is evidence from two or more settings that the therapy is superior to no treatment it is considered efficacious. If there is support from one or more studies from just a single setting, the therapy is considered possibly efficacious pending replication. Following these guidelines, cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) stands out as having the most empirical support for a wide range of symptoms in adults, adolescents, and children.[11] Unfortunately, the term "evidence-based practice" is not always used in such a rigorous fashion, and many psychologists claim to follow "evidence-based approaches" even when the methods they use do not meet established criteria for efficacy (Berke, Rozell, Hogan, Norcross, and Karpiak, 2011). In reality, not all mental health practitioners receive training in evidence-based approaches, and members of the public are often unaware that evidence-based practices exist. Consequently, patients do not always receive the most effective, safe, and cost effective treatments available."
When I was researching CBT I read recommendations for a book called 3 Minute Therapy by Dr Michael Edelstein.
www.amazon.com/Three-Minute-Therapy-Change-Thinking/dp/0944435424He practices a type of CBT called REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy).
I found his book very helpful and after I'd read it I contacted him.
www.threeminutetherapy.comHe's based in San Francisco, but he does sessions over Skype. Working with him really helped me through the final breakup of my relationship.
I found REBT very effective for managing anxiety and for treating many of my symptoms, but long term lasting change can be very challenging even for so called NONs. I found that some of my own patterns of behaviour that had drawn me to my ex and kept me in the relationship for so long were very deeply ingrained and I was really struggling to change them.
At this point I was still coming out of the FOG, but in the months after my ex left I found this site and began to learn about BPD. BPD Family is such a great resource packed with useful isights and information and this is where I first read about Schema Therapy - an evidence based therapy that evolved from CBT and was initially developed to treat personality disorders.
"A good overview of schema therapy is available in the form of a podcast interview with the founder, Jeffrey Young:
www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_index.php?idx=119&d=1&w=9&e=28617"
Schema is particularly effective at treating deeply ingrained behavioural patterns that are very resistant to change. After spending a 16 years with a suspected BPD I felt that it was important to me to work with a T who understood the disorder.
So I began searching for recommended Schema therapists in the city where I live
The International Schema Society have a website and a page where they list properly trained and accredited members. isstonline.com/node/195 in each country
I contacted the most experienced of the ones listed in my area, checked their availability and tried to get an initial consultation. This gives you the opportunity to meet a T and see whether they are a possible fit for you. It's really important that you feel comfortable with a T in order to build trust with them and work effectively with them.
Almost all of the Schema therapists were fully booked, bar one. I saw her for a while and though she helped I didn't feel she was quite right for me so I kept in contact with the other names on the list and when one of my preferred choices became free I moved.
I've worked with her until the end of last year and I found it hugely helpful. (She's also trained in DBT)
Finding the right T has been a bit of journey, but the end of day you need to be tenacious and keep plugging away until you find a therapy and therapist that works for you.
Good luck
Reforming
