Just Informed of uBPDx's Nuptuals To OM

[Turkish]

OM=Other Man, aka "The Homewrecker," aka the guy she met when she was out clubbing when she should have been home with me and the two kids (later, she told me that I should have asked her to stay home   Thanks again for everyone here, many of whom don't post any more, who supported me through the 4 months while she still lived with me as she all but threw her juvenile r/s in my face.

He still refers to me as "Sir" and "Mr. [my last name]." Not sure if I find it amusing enough to just tell him to knock it off and call me by my first name. Or I could call him "Son" since the difference in ages between me and him is about the same as between him and my son 

She moved out 14 months ago. They got engaged on an almost 2 week Euro-trip. We have joint custody, but of course I stayed home and took care of [then] S4 and D2. She informed me by today email, very business-like, that they were getting married within the month and he was going to move in. I didn't ask, "what will the government do when they find out that you are moving in another body to your subsidized apt?" None of my business.

And that, as they say, is that. No matter how much time they've spend together, and a lot of us have been here, things will change once they actually co-habituate. The fact that the kids won't be there half of the time will make things easier on them. That I saw the OM pick up S5 hug and kiss him when we were at an event this past weekend made me almost gag, but again, it is what it is. Two months ago, he stood up after dinner and cried out, "I want Daddy!" Now, he's hugging and kissing the guy. All I can do is validate the kids and do what I can on my own time with them.

[raisins3142]

I can imagine this is bothersome.  It would be for me.  I feel like I got off easy.

Mentioning the clubbing made this phrase that I used to describe my ex jump out "wants their cake and to eat it too".  The pluses of both being single and in a relationship.

As far as the OM, I hope he treats your kids well.  So perhaps the kids liking him is a good sign.

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow Turkish, that seems pretty significant.  If they haven't lived together yet, it would seem that will change the relationship, as will getting married, as you mention.  A borderline typically shifts into devaluation mode once she knows she 'has' an attachment, and maybe cohabitating and getting married will mean to her she now 'has' him; do you see that as a possibility?

As usual, your head's in the right place, the kids.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that Turkish.

Why tell you he's moving in?

I understand her saying she's getting married.

Is she passive aggressive?

Subtly baiting?

[Turkish]

I'm sorry to hear that Turkish.

Why tell you he's moving in?

I understand her saying she's getting married.

Is she passive aggressive?

Subtly baiting?

I may have asked her to tell me, maybe even implying that I required it (I actually just said when they were getting married, and if she wanted the kids at it, to make sure it was on one of her weekends). As always, I was BIFF. Business. To the point.

So they're moving fast. I see him as kind of Narc (I observed it this past weekend at a family event... .they family missed me, cousins and such), too. I think she will change, heel, as she did when I moved in, though that was after 3 months. She's learned things, and aware of her issues, but she's still the same.

When I picked up the kids on Easter, she started with, "I'm bringing OM to my cousin's party, unless there's going to be a problem." We usually get along, but I hate it when she prefaces things as if I am going to start something. I already saw him at S5's bday party. I get a little angry and replied, "if you think there's going to be a problem, then maybe we'll just stay here and not go." She backed up, "no, it's important that the kids spend time with their cousins. We may try to make it later." They did.

Can you see the unhealthy communication dynamic from that short exchange, even if she started it?

In any case, we talked briefly at the party and it was fine. I talked even more briefly to her fiancee. From a comment that one of the cousins made to me, they all know (I know how the family gossips, as I heard a lot of stories). I've been radio silent, not doing what she did on FB all last year. A few of them genuinely missed me. Some of them don't necessarily like their cousins' spouses all that much, but everybody puts on the family face, so it's just part of the dynamic. I saw the OM appearing to be chatting up some woman there I didn't know. I'm biased, but that's what it looked like to me. 

As long as she feeds his narcissistic traits, and he feels like the white knight who's won something (including an Insta-Family), this could go on for a while.

[Mutt]

"I'm bringing OM to my cousin's party, unless there's going to be a problem." We usually get along, but I hate it when she prefaces things as if I am going to start something.

You're a cut above them Turkish.

He's getting married, moving in and chatting up the opposite sex at a family event  

It's anyone's guess how long it will last. If she's undiagnosed BPD it won't be pretty.

Did the kids get the news?

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this Turkish.   It must be really difficult to be informed of this.  

When I picked up the kids on Easter, she started with, "I'm bringing OM to my cousin's party, unless there's going to be a problem." We usually get along, but I hate it when she prefaces things as if I am going to start something.

Does she usually communicate this way?  

[Turkish]

I am sorry that you are going through this Turkish.   It must be really difficult to be informed of this.  

When I picked up the kids on Easter, she started with, "I'm bringing OM to my cousin's party, unless there's going to be a problem." We usually get along, but I hate it when she prefaces things as if I am going to start something.

Does she usually communicate this way?  

The last time was at her nephew's party in Jan. I headed her off at the pass, since one of my secret squirrels informed me she had gotten engaged. She had been back for a week, and never informed me. Not that she had to... .she said, "he's going to be at S5's party next week, just to inform you. I hope that there isn't going to be a problem, because I don't want S5's party ruined." I got mad at that, too. He showed up, it was fine. It bugs me that she still assumes I'm going to cause trouble. I think she might be projecting a bit.

Other than that, I look at it as a business arrangement with a partner for the next 15 years. We get along, as long as I keep up boundaries on my side. She called me the other night at 10PM. Didn't leave a message. A year ago, I would have felt the need to text back, especially since she had the kids. I didn't. She didn't mention it the next day we communicated.

Mutt, the kids don't know yet. They'll know soon, no doubt. What I wonder is how D2 is going to react when she crawls into bed in the AM hours as she does still at both of our homes only to find an Interloper there. Then again, this is reality, and the kids need to deal with it. As my T said, "it's none of the kids' business whether their mom chooses to have a bf or get married." I don't trust how she talks to them, which is sometimes with a complete lack of empathy.  I know she loves them, though, in whatever way she can.