I played with fire and got burned.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been frequenting this site for the past 6 months.  At first I found it to be an over abundance of informative knowledge.  Reading others insight and finding common ground within our stories, I felt some sort of comfort knowing that I wasn't alone.  Initially I was posting on the staying board.  As time went on I moved over to the healing board.  I wasn't sure which board was a place to call home. Finally, I have my answer.

   Initially when my uBPDx and I parted ways I wanted to stand by her side.  I wasn't completely convinced that it was over nor did I want it to be.  Our break up came out of the blue and it wasn't until she left that I started searching for answers. I believed that the girl I fell in love with was still in there.  I did my best to separate the illness and the person and I wanted her to know that someone loved her enough to try and fight.  As time went on I realized that for my own sanity, I couldn't talk to her every day.  I never fully closed the door.  I wouldn't say we were  N/C but I never took the initiative to contact her.  We would chat every so often about the very basic of things until about a week before Valentines day.

   She came to me with a sob story and she was down in the dumps.  She had lost yet another job (shes been gone 7 months and burned through 3 jobs.  She signed up to be a VET TECH but since then has decided to go back to cosmotology) She was telling me how she wished she could be here, how she is sorry for treating me so poor, etc.  Foolishly, I truly believed that It she was going to come home.  2 days later, she disappeared.  Despite the fact that I have been armed with the knowledge I have gathered from this site, I thought we were going to be the exception.  It was my own fault. 

   Things went back to normal.  I would hear from her every so often.  I never once asked her to come home nor rehashed any lingering feelings. I never played the blame game or tried to make her guilty for anything shes done. This past week to she texted me and I engaged in the conversation.  She made the statement that she sucks and she is terrible at life etc.  I told her to stop talking like that and these were her words: “It's true.  I've done nothing but treat you like garbage and yet you and my mother are the only people that have any faith in me.”  While I didn't argue that I told her there is always time to turn it around.  She then stated, “I don't want to drag you down with me”.   I said, I've reached my rock bottom so the only place to go from here is up.  I figured if I encouraged her enough, supported her enough, that she would shed her skin of negativity. 

   She has been texting me the past week or so and our conversations have been silly.  Random questions or ideas.  Nothing serious just keeping each other company I guess.  I didn't think too much of it nor did I have any expectations.  Friday night she disappeared which I figured would happen but I didn't dwell on it.  Today I woke up to a message that said, “I know you told me that you didn't want to know but I wanted you to know that I am talking to someone.”  While I had my suspicions and the certainty in my gut, I still didn't want to hear it.  With the heartache I've been suffering I just didn't want to have to deal with that fact as well. It's one thing to conjure up scenarios in your head... .it's another thing to give it life.

   I know in part it is better to know and that her honesty could be commendable.  Forgive me if I am bitter at the fact that this is the one thing she has chosen to be honest about. So my question is why?  Why would she go out of her way to crush me?  Since she's left both of my parents have had serious health issues and my life has spiraled drastically.  I didn't turn to her for a pity party. I didn't rely on her for any comfort b/c I know who she is.  So what was the point?  Our conversations have been light.  I've tried boosting her confidence so why go out of her way to hurt me?  She wasn't like this when we were together.  She was a waif.

   I know this is long and I apologize for that, but I wanted to shed some light on the situation.  Through out all of this I've maintained that somewhere in there is the girl that I fell in love with.  When she was casting stones at her self I even said that.  I said one day I hope you can see the girl that I see.  I then continued to give details but they weren't romantic.  They were factual.  They were genuine.  She said that she hopes one day she can see the girl that I see. I'm just trying to understand why go out of her way to be malicious.  I said to her out of everything she put me through, I still held out my hand to her.  I still believed in her.  When everyone had something to say I still came to her defense and yet she couldn't even honor the one thing I requested.  I told her I never wanted to talk to her again.  She blocked me from her social media which in essence is fine b/c I deactivated my facebook and I wasn't following her on twitter.  I could still check her feed but I learned to stop mentally torturing myself a few months back.

   She is the one whom abandoned me.  She is the one who crushed me.  I would never cause her the amount of pain that she has caused me.  You read all these things about how when people with BPD push you away thats when they need you the most.  You realize they develop this awful illness b/c of their child hood.  The past 6 months I've taken all of that into consideration and so I've held on, barely, but I've held on.  I've been patient.  I've been understanding.  I've been supportive so why am I the one sitting here riddled in turmoil?  The most disturbing part is, I still love her.  I still believe in her.  I still think about all the stupid things we would laugh at.  I miss her; but I don't know if she's in there anymore.  If she is, then why would she do this to me?  Me.  I was the most consistent, kind, honest part of her life.   

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I've been frequenting this site for the past 6 months.  At first I found it to be an over abundance of informative knowledge.  Reading others insight and finding common ground within our stories, I felt some sort of comfort knowing that I wasn't alone.  Initially I was posting on the staying board.  As time went on I moved over to the healing board.  I wasn't sure which board was a place to call home. Finally, I have my answer.

   Initially when my uBPDx and I parted ways I wanted to stand by her side.  I wasn't completely convinced that it was over nor did I want it to be.  Our break up came out of the blue and it wasn't until she left that I started searching for answers. I believed that the girl I fell in love with was still in there.  I did my best to separate the illness and the person and I wanted her to know that someone loved her enough to try and fight.  As time went on I realized that for my own sanity, I couldn't talk to her every day.  I never fully closed the door.  I wouldn't say we were  N/C but I never took the initiative to contact her.  We would chat every so often about the very basic of things until about a week before Valentines day.

   She came to me with a sob story and she was down in the dumps.  She had lost yet another job (shes been gone 7 months and burned through 3 jobs.  She signed up to be a VET TECH but since then has decided to go back to cosmotology) She was telling me how she wished she could be here, how she is sorry for treating me so poor, etc.  Foolishly, I truly believed that It she was going to come home.  2 days later, she disappeared.  Despite the fact that I have been armed with the knowledge I have gathered from this site, I thought we were going to be the exception.  It was my own fault. 

   Things went back to normal.  I would hear from her every so often.  I never once asked her to come home nor rehashed any lingering feelings. I never played the blame game or tried to make her guilty for anything shes done. This past week to she texted me and I engaged in the conversation.  She made the statement that she sucks and she is terrible at life etc.  I told her to stop talking like that and these were her words: “It's true.  I've done nothing but treat you like garbage and yet you and my mother are the only people that have any faith in me.”  While I didn't argue that I told her there is always time to turn it around.  She then stated, “I don't want to drag you down with me”.   I said, I've reached my rock bottom so the only place to go from here is up.  I figured if I encouraged her enough, supported her enough, that she would shed her skin of negativity. 

   She has been texting me the past week or so and our conversations have been silly.  Random questions or ideas.  Nothing serious just keeping each other company I guess.  I didn't think too much of it nor did I have any expectations.  Friday night she disappeared which I figured would happen but I didn't dwell on it.  Today I woke up to a message that said, “I know you told me that you didn't want to know but I wanted you to know that I am talking to someone.”  While I had my suspicions and the certainty in my gut, I still didn't want to hear it.  With the heartache I've been suffering I just didn't want to have to deal with that fact as well. It's one thing to conjure up scenarios in your head... .it's another thing to give it life.

   I know in part it is better to know and that her honesty could be commendable.  Forgive me if I am bitter at the fact that this is the one thing she has chosen to be honest about. So my question is why?  Why would she go out of her way to crush me?  Since she's left both of my parents have had serious health issues and my life has spiraled drastically.  I didn't turn to her for a pity party. I didn't rely on her for any comfort b/c I know who she is.  So what was the point?  Our conversations have been light.  I've tried boosting her confidence so why go out of her way to hurt me?  She wasn't like this when we were together.  She was a waif.

   I know this is long and I apologize for that, but I wanted to shed some light on the situation.  Through out all of this I've maintained that somewhere in there is the girl that I fell in love with.  When she was casting stones at her self I even said that.  I said one day I hope you can see the girl that I see.  I then continued to give details but they weren't romantic.  They were factual.  They were genuine.  She said that she hopes one day she can see the girl that I see. I'm just trying to understand why go out of her way to be malicious.  I said to her out of everything she put me through, I still held out my hand to her.  I still believed in her.  When everyone had something to say I still came to her defense and yet she couldn't even honor the one thing I requested.  I told her I never wanted to talk to her again.  She blocked me from her social media which in essence is fine b/c I deactivated my facebook and I wasn't following her on twitter.  I could still check her feed but I learned to stop mentally torturing myself a few months back.

   She is the one whom abandoned me.  She is the one who crushed me.  I would never cause her the amount of pain that she has caused me.  You read all these things about how when people with BPD push you away thats when they need you the most.  You realize they develop this awful illness b/c of their child hood.  The past 6 months I've taken all of that into consideration and so I've held on, barely, but I've held on.  I've been patient.  I've been understanding.  I've been supportive so why am I the one sitting here riddled in turmoil?  The most disturbing part is, I still love her.  I still believe in her.  I still think about all the stupid things we would laugh at.  I miss her; but I don't know if she's in there anymore.  If she is, then why would she do this to me?  Me.  I was the most consistent, kind, honest part of her life.   

[Infared]

Agent, I think she is in a place where your relationship is over, yet she is using you for emotional support. I went through this myself and the situation I am talking about, she just took from me and used me until she was safely in a new relationship. I foolishly thought that she would see how much I loved her and cared about her and that she would value me. I did not know it... .but I was the one holding on to the bumper and being dragged down the street. It sure was painful... .yet, I did not let go to save myself. She thinks she is doing you a favor by telling you that she is hooking up.  :)o you see the possibility of that?

I don't think you  see that you are totally still invested 100% in the relationship, if you are using language like "I don't know if she is in there. If she is why would she do this to me. Me."

... because in her world, she is not in a relationship with you. She has moved on, except she will will selfishly take the support from you that you are giving for as long as you will give it.

If you continue contact with her you will be in a classic triangle... .but you will be the one paying a godawful emotional price. I know... I lived it. My ex was so self-involved and it was incredibly destructive to me.  The only thing I could do was save me and go absolute NC. Tough stuff.  I wish you the best. 

[sun seeker]

  Hello agent

Welcome to the leaving board. Hope you are not being to hard on your self.  

Sounds like you have as good a handle as anyone could have  on this situation. You have already educated yourself about BPD. (Good job)   So you now have a good idea what you are up against. And you know.the only logical step for your sanity, health and healing is unbreakable N/C. And working on YOU! A very trying process but well worth it. I promise you... .

Infared is 100 percent correct and he also tells it how it is no B.S.

My two year r/s with my dexBPDgf. Was very destructive . The are reason why we choose to stay and be a doormat for BPDers and why we ignored all the  's. We have our own underlying issues from childhood.  This is why I Am glad for this horrible BPD  experiance .

I shared all my childhood experience good & bad  with my exBPDgf as we should be able to in a healthy r/s  but she used this information in the second year of our r/s  to break me down every two weeks (when she was binge drinking). She said and did  the most horrendous things while laughing it off.  And  i rode it out for the same reasons most of us stayed. Thought I could help her and show her someone truly  cares for her. To my dismay obviously.  

All the crap I CHOSE to go through is helping me more than hurting me at this point... Dont get me wrong I still have bad days (usually friday) (we chose to stay in this toxic r/s we have to own our part.) Issues I did not realize I have came to the surface and I am doing everything in my power to work them out. I am with out a doubt an improved version of my self today directly because of this BPD experience. 

Be good to your self , stay strong , stay N/C  and stay in touch . You will be ok if your follow.the rules we all have come to know here. Good luck Agent.

[jhkbuzz]

Agent, I think she is in a place where your relationship is over, yet she is using you for emotional support. I went through this myself and the situation I am talking about, she just took from me and used me until she was safely in a new relationship. I foolishly thought that she would see how much I loved her and cared about her and that she would value me. I did not know it... .but I was the one holding on to the bumper and being dragged down the street. It sure was painful... .yet, I did not let go to save myself. She thinks she is doing you a favor by telling you that she is hooking up.  :)o you see the possibility of that?

I don't think you  see that you are totally still invested 100% in the relationship, if you are using language like "I don't know if she is in there. If she is why would she do this to me. Me."

... because in her world, she is not in a relationship with you. She has moved on, except she will will selfishly take the support from you that you are giving for as long as you will give it.

If you continue contact with her you will be in a classic triangle... .but you will be the one paying a godawful emotional price. I know... I lived it. My ex was so self-involved and it was incredibly destructive to me.  The only thing I could do was save me and go absolute NC. Tough stuff.  I wish you the best.  

Yes ^^^ pwBPD are emotional toddlers - all "me me me" and "I want and need" - and we certainly don't expect toddlers to meet our emotional needs or to be concerned for our well being.  Because BPD is a disorder of arrested emotional development this is exactly what we're dealing with. My ex tried to do the same thing post break up: keep me around for emotional support as she began dating. When I finally understood what was happening I blocked all forms of contact and let go, painful though it was.

Agent of Chaos: you sound like a really decent, kind, caring person.  Be proud of yourself for that - but don't continue to wound yourself by seeking a loving, caring r/s with someone who can't reciprocate.  You are worthy of love and kindness; begin by giving it to yourself.

[Blimblam]

Hello agent

The sad thing is the deeper levels of intimacy trigger the disorder. They trigger her fears of abandonment.  The way a pwBPD tend to "find themselves," is through attaching to someone but eventually when te disorder is triggered they feel engulfed and the need to create distance on a deeper level their self is attempting to individuate and become autonomous but then the abandonment fear and set coping patterns come in to play so they seek attachments. 

Ultimately it had nothing to do with you it has to do with her deep seated fears and deeply ingrained ego defence mechenisms.  Often times a pwBPD are not even sure why they do the things they do and aren't even able to remember things how they were. 

She's doing what she feels she needs to do to survive.  And one of those strategies is to have their attachments process their difficult emotions for them which is the pain you feel. Except now that pain has found where your core wounds are and actively triggers them and adds to them.  The awareness of this by a pwBPD eventually triggers more shame in them which triggers the disorder even more and may cause them to resent you for a period of time In which they may feel the need for a new attachment to reflect back at them that they have value.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Thanks everyone. Your words, similar situations, and struggles all make sense. I'm sorry it took so long to reply. My computer decided to take a dive on me. Ahhh when it rains it pours. I realize that I am an emotional trigger for her. Hence the push and pull we go through. I honestly felt that this past time was different in how we interacted. I wasn't clinging to hope nor did I expect her to confess her undying love. We were just bantering back and forth and she dropped a bomb on my heart. I do think in her warped mind she was doing me a favor by telliNg me. I just wish the pain would stop. I wish the wanting her would stop. Thank u again. I'd reply more in depth but I'm typing this on m my phone. I hope you all are well. Xo

[apollotech]

Hi Agent,

Infared's post nailed it; he is right on point. You sound like a very loving, caring, and kind person; unfortunately, your exSO is taking advantage of you, your kind nature. The communications being maintained are fully about her and for her, completely unbalanced.

The only thing that I would caution you about doing is attempting to sepetate her from her PD. A personality disorder is a Personality Disorder; it is them. There is no cure for it (BPD), only treatment. Be wary of your hope keeping you in an unhealthy relationship looking for the her that you want.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Hi Agent,

Infared's post nailed it; he is right on point. You sound like a very loving, caring, and kind person; unfortunately, your exSO is taking advantage of you, your kind nature. The communications being maintained are fully about her and for her, completely unbalanced.

The only thing that I would caution you about doing is attempting to sepetate her from her PD. A personality disorder is a Personality Disorder; it is them. There is no cure for it (BPD), only treatment. Be wary of your hope keeping you in an unhealthy relationship looking for the her that you want.

Thank you. After the last stint we haven't talked in over a week. I told her I never wanted to talk to her again and she's probably being lavished in her new girlfriends affections.

I knew there wasn't a cure, I just longed for her to get the help she so desperately  neeeded. I was willing to look past the PD bc I just think it's unfair. I miss her terribly, but I realize there's nothing left.

[Mutt]

Through out all of this I've maintained that somewhere in there is the girl that I fell in love with.

Hi Agent_of_Chaos,

The girl you first met put you on a pedestal and was idealizing you.

I can relate. I knew nothing about BPD and kept thinking that she'll turn a corner and the person I fell in love with is going to return.

I waited 7 1/2 years.

I didn't understand it was the idealization I missed and not the person. The person that's not getting help for herself and devaluating, projecting, triangulating and looking for a caregiver is the person.

Are you hoping things go back to idealization when you first met?

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Through out all of this I've maintained that somewhere in there is the girl that I fell in love with.

Hi Agent_of_Chaos,

The girl you first met put you on a pedestal and was idealizing you.

I can relate. I knew nothing about BPD and kept thinking that she'll turn a corner and the person I fell in love with is going to return.

I waited 7 1/2 years.

I didn't understand it was the idealization I missed and not the person. The person that's not getting help for herself and devaluating, projecting, triangulating and looking for a caregiver is the person.

Are you hoping things go back to idealization when you first met?

Honestly mutt, I'm not sure. If I'm being completely honest of course I miss that. Problem is even if I had it I would constantly be questioning her integrity?  While it's true I'm lonely, bored, and simply heart broken... .I truly wanted more for her. It isn't fair that she was dealt such a lousy hand. She had no chance from the very start. The problem is she won't seek the help that she so desperately needs to try and rebuild. That isn't ok with me.

If in the future she came to me and said I'm so sorry I want to come home, get help, etc etc... .in the back of my mind I would always wonder if she was being genuine or not. I would always be disecting every word. I have pretty good intuition believe it or not.

I'm just at a loss and I feel like I keep back sliding in my progress. Instead of the pain becomiNg more subtle, I feel like the void just gets deeper. This break up really stripped me to my core. like all of us I feel like I put myself out there and the one person that was suppose to have my back, threw me into the fire in the blink of an eye. She's turned me into a walking contradiction.