First post - sister

[desperate_sibling]

Hi

My sister has been dealing  with an ED for more than a decade (since high school).  She has also been dealing with depression. Recently my parents went to see her psychiatrist and they were told she has BPD. I didn't know it existed but when I read about it online it all made sense, it perfectly describes her behaviour.

The problem is SHE DOESN'T KNOW. And she's not allowed to know the diagnosis according to the psychiatrist. Neither is anyone else. I'm not even supposed to know. If my parents didn't ask we would probably never have known.  Is this normal? That they don't tell the patient the diagnosis?

This is why I'm turning to the Internet for help, because I can't talk about it.

I'm in the unique position of being her older sister, she compares herself to me constantly. I'm her main "enemy". I've always tried to be nice because I thought she just had some self image issues but in December  (before I knew) I snapped and said something mean. She was trying to tell me what to do and I said I didn't ask her and she completely freaked out. Went crazy. I've since successfully avoided her. I saw her over Easter weekend and she is just mean to me. Even in front of others. I don't fight back.

Other people don't understand why I just take it, and I can't tell them. A mutual friend of ours asked me out of the blue why I was such a terrible sister. I don't know what she said to him.

My parents want me to just agree with her and keep the peace but I don't agree that that's the best course of action. I do understand that they have been dealing with this for a long time so right now the just want to keep her as happy as possible. They are exhausted.

She doesn't take her medicine and she makes no secret of it. She doesn't go to her psychologist anymore. She thinks she doesn't need it. And nobody can tell her she has BPD.

I feel helpless. Being around her is awful. Sometimes I'm scared of her. Over Easter I stayed in the same house as her for one night and I locked the bedroom door.

I can go on and on about this but my main question is how do you help someone who isn't allowed to know the need help?

[HappyChappy]

 Welcome to the BPD family.

The problem is SHE DOESN'T KNOW. And she's not allowed to know the diagnosis according to the psychiatrist. Neither is anyone else.

Could this relate to the fact that people with Personailty Disorders tend to deny there is anything wrong with them. To protect their Narcisstic behavior and back up their fantasy thinking is paramount ? Or could it be to do with  medical insurance ? Have you asked why the big secret ?

Other people don't understand why I just take it, and I can't tell them. A mutual friend of ours asked me out of the blue why I was such a terrible sister. I don't know what she said to him.

My parents want me to just agree with her and keep the peace

Everyone on this board, that has a BPD in their family, probably does understand why you just take it. A BPD has a will of steal, they do not back down, they do not appologies, they go to extream lenghts to "win" arguments etc... .so we are often left "walking on egg shells" around them, thinking we have no option but to take it. The alternative is too tryring. However there are techinques on this website, such as S.E.T. that can give us other ways to deal with it.

I think you'll find, most people on this board, will get all the odd behavior, even if folk around you don't. And there are other solutions and options. So just let us know what's bothering you and post away.

[Kwamina]

Hi desperate_sibling

Welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry you are in this difficult situation with a BPD sister. BPD is quite a challenging disorder and I can understand why you find it hard to deal with your sister's behavior. I think it's very positive that you're reaching out for support and advice here because many people here know what it's like to deal with BPD family-members.

The problem is SHE DOESN'T KNOW. And she's not allowed to know the diagnosis according to the psychiatrist. Neither is anyone else. I'm not even supposed to know. If my parents didn't ask we would probably never have known.  Is this normal? That they don't tell the patient the diagnosis?

Did the psychiatrist tell your parents why your sister is not allowed to know this diagnosis?

Doctors are often very reluctant to diagnose young children and teenagers with BPD but I don't know if that's going on here. How old is your sister?

[Meadowslark]

 

You and I have shockingly similar stories. I too am the elder sister of a diagnosed BPD younger sister who is out of control, mean, nasty, narcissistic and controlling.

I don't have anything constructive to add that Kwamina and HappyChappy haven't already posted, but my inbox is open should you ever want to talk to someone in a very similar position. I've successfully avoided my sister since she got in my face and threatened to shoot herself (mid-December) and ran off to pretend it never happened. She leaves to move to the other side of the country in 4 days!     Many of us can easily relate to your situation. You'll find a lot of support here.

Remember to take care of yourself as well!

[Linda Maria]

Hi desperate sibling!  Sorry to hear what you're going through.  I can relate as well - I have a uBPDsister who made my life so hellish after my Mum died 2 years ago that I am now pretty much NC.  It has saved my mental health, but it is still hard, and I still feel angry when I think of all the awful things she has done to me over the last 2 years.  It is easier for me than for a lot of people as I don't live too close to her, and other than some close family friends who have realised where the problem lies, we don't have any friends in common any more - not ones that I see regularly, or worry about what they think of me, as god only knows what weird lies they have been told.  I can't really add anything helpful, other than to say you will get a massive amount of support and understanding from this forum - it was such a relief to me when I found it, and realised that all my mad sounding experiences with my uBPDsis sounded completely familiar and understandable to everyone here, and there was no question of anyone not believing what I was having to deal with.  So as others have said, do keep posting, and venting and sharing.  This forum, and the brilliant people here really made a massive difference to me over the last year.  Best wishes.

[sisterofbpd]

Hi desperate sibling 

I can totally relate to your post.  As for why psychiatrist don't want her to know the diagnosis I have no idea.  My sister was diagnosed with a personality disorder and did everything to discredit the doctor who diagnosed her.  Telling people that they really didn't know the situation, etc.  Till this day she insists that she only suffers from ADHD and Anxiety, which it is obvious to everyone that it is much much more.  She has Schizoaffective disorder and BPD

I'm in the unique position of being her older sister, she compares herself to me constantly. I'm her main "enemy". I've always tried to be nice because I thought she just had some self image issues but in December  (before I knew) I snapped and said something mean. She was trying to tell me what to do and I said I didn't ask her and she completely freaked out. Went crazy. I've since successfully avoided her. I saw her over Easter weekend and she is just mean to me. Even in front of others. I don't fight back.

My sister is 8 years older than me but does the same thing.  Compares herself to me, says I think she is better than her, etc.  This is all coming from her, I never said any of this.  I also finally snapped on her and she is always nasty to me, even in my own home!  I have gone NC with her for good reason.

She doesn't take her medicine and she makes no secret of it. She doesn't go to her psychologist anymore. She thinks she doesn't need it. And nobody can tell her she has BPD.

I feel helpless. Being around her is awful. Sometimes I'm scared of her. Over Easter I stayed in the same house as her for one night and I locked the bedroom door.

I can go on and on about this but my main question is how do you help someone who isn't allowed to know the need help?

If she currently is refusing to take her medication, would she be resistant to help?  If there is one thing I can tell you it would be that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped (or doesn't believe they need help).  It's all very frustrating and stressful and I wish you luck