Staying Tuned-Reluctantly-Eyes Wide Open

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I pray daily for the woman my ex is involved with as well as her children.  She hasn't a clue what she's gotten herself involved in.  I also pray for the living things in his care.  I believe there is a very strong possibility that the authorities will catch up with him. 

I'm taking extremely good care of myself these days.  I'm continuing to heal, building myself back up from the inside out, and even dating here and there.  I'm cultivating my soul and focused on carefully bringing only the worthy into my personal space.  I'm ready, willing, and able to take on one moment at a time with grace, dignity, and strength.

One year since the final fallout, today I decided to browse some of his digital files of his that I have in my possession.  My ex is an uASPD/Psychopath, not a BPD.  It took this site, professional consultations, and an intense amount of research…but every single ounce confirmed that the person I spent 7 years of my life with is indeed dangerously disordered.  What I found in the digital files was not surprising, but haunting nonetheless.  Much of the images and video are just a few months before we met and a few years back from there.  Except for all but two of the many people featured in his pics and videos are people I have never heard of and definitely never met.  Strange?  Of course.  My ex didn't have friends.  All the friends he spoke of during our courtship miraculously disappeared.  The few he introduced me to were not "tight" friends, and clearly resembled past and/or present addicts.  Back to these files I've viewed tonight... .My ex is visibly and audibly deeply under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol in all of the files.  The images of and conversations about women are disgusting to say the least.  He has multiple "evil" images and a sick sickness of a wide variety is seen throughout all the files.  I NEVER MET THIS PERSON seen on these digital files.  The person behind on the camera on these digital files is someone I would have NEVER given a second chance to.  ALL of his humor is mean or evil in nature.  He has an OBSESSION with stalker-like behavior and weapons.  I got tiny glimpses over the years that he wasn't "right" here and there that he easily explained away.  Then, last April he tore his mask off for good and could hide no more.  I was in such a fog.  Turns out he was actually being honest for a change when he raged, "There's only one f'in boss here, me!  I have to be ME, I can't be ME with you, I just can't."  I had no idea what was happening or why.  I could never articulate what is now my truth and I can express now with absolute certainty but couldn't a year ago today.  My state of desperation nearly crippled me completely.  My insides were in investigative mode the entire time with him…those insides whispered, rumbled, and shouted over the years.  After last April my intuition ROARED and led me to find:  his massive stash of illegal drugs, and years worth of evidence of cruel, SICK intentions.  Every single person in his life is used as a game piece, a source of temporary entertainment or resource in one form or another.

There are moments when I catch word that his charismatic public persona through social media is keeping him seemingly thriving…and I sigh deeply, I sometimes cry.  I don't know how it's possible.  He is beyond dangerous, beyond disgusting and sick.  I don't think he's ever murdered a person, but at this point I would not be surprised in the least to know that he did, nor will I will be surprised if he does in the future.

I want so much for his replacement to be warned in a way I never was, but it's impossible.  They worship him.  They haven't a clue.  He spent years behind my back planting seeds in people's minds about me.  A distortion campaign was in full force while he sobbed on my chest and begged me to give him another chance, over and over.  He even accompanied me to marriage counseling only to embarrass me in front of the counselor with complete and utter cruelty, completely in contrast of someone who would go to marriage counseling to save their marriage…he appeared at marriage counseling to DESTROY me.  It was my very own sick nightmare smashing me in the head.  If anything, he's even better at his manipulative, deceitful craft because I was a constant detective and he kept me spinning for years…and I LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH HIM.  He has several people in his midst now, each one serving one of the many purposes I, solely, provided him with.  For example, he's got one female that is his girlfriend, another few that help with business stuff, another for finances, etc.   I can't even believe he's made a year like this, but then again, he hid behind me for seven years.  Now he's got an advanced degree in hidden Psychopathy by surrounding himself with people who believe he's a god for the services he provides.  Ughhhhh!

I ask for your prayers that somehow, some way, some one will remove this guy from society. 

[Hope0807]

I pray daily for the woman my ex is involved with as well as her children.  She hasn't a clue what she's gotten herself involved in.  I also pray for the living things in his care.  I believe there is a very strong possibility that the authorities will catch up with him. 

I'm taking extremely good care of myself these days.  I'm continuing to heal, building myself back up from the inside out, and even dating here and there.  I'm cultivating my soul and focused on carefully bringing only the worthy into my personal space.  I'm ready, willing, and able to take on one moment at a time with grace, dignity, and strength.

One year since the final fallout, today I decided to browse some of his digital files of his that I have in my possession.  My ex is an uASPD/Psychopath, not a BPD.  It took this site, professional consultations, and an intense amount of research…but every single ounce confirmed that the person I spent 7 years of my life with is indeed dangerously disordered.  What I found in the digital files was not surprising, but haunting nonetheless.  Much of the images and video are just a few months before we met and a few years back from there.  Except for all but two of the many people featured in his pics and videos are people I have never heard of and definitely never met.  Strange?  Of course.  My ex didn't have friends.  All the friends he spoke of during our courtship miraculously disappeared.  The few he introduced me to were not "tight" friends, and clearly resembled past and/or present addicts.  Back to these files I've viewed tonight... .My ex is visibly and audibly deeply under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol in all of the files.  The images of and conversations about women are disgusting to say the least.  He has multiple "evil" images and a sick sickness of a wide variety is seen throughout all the files.  I NEVER MET THIS PERSON seen on these digital files.  The person behind on the camera on these digital files is someone I would have NEVER given a second chance to.  ALL of his humor is mean or evil in nature.  He has an OBSESSION with stalker-like behavior and weapons.  I got tiny glimpses over the years that he wasn't "right" here and there that he easily explained away.  Then, last April he tore his mask off for good and could hide no more.  I was in such a fog.  Turns out he was actually being honest for a change when he raged, "There's only one f'in boss here, me!  I have to be ME, I can't be ME with you, I just can't."  I had no idea what was happening or why.  I could never articulate what is now my truth and I can express now with absolute certainty but couldn't a year ago today.  My state of desperation nearly crippled me completely.  My insides were in investigative mode the entire time with him…those insides whispered, rumbled, and shouted over the years.  After last April my intuition ROARED and led me to find:  his massive stash of illegal drugs, and years worth of evidence of cruel, SICK intentions.  Every single person in his life is used as a game piece, a source of temporary entertainment or resource in one form or another.

There are moments when I catch word that his charismatic public persona through social media is keeping him seemingly thriving…and I sigh deeply, I sometimes cry.  I don't know how it's possible.  He is beyond dangerous, beyond disgusting and sick.  I don't think he's ever murdered a person, but at this point I would not be surprised in the least to know that he did, nor will I will be surprised if he does in the future.

I want so much for his replacement to be warned in a way I never was, but it's impossible.  They worship him.  They haven't a clue.  He spent years behind my back planting seeds in people's minds about me.  A distortion campaign was in full force while he sobbed on my chest and begged me to give him another chance, over and over.  He even accompanied me to marriage counseling only to embarrass me in front of the counselor with complete and utter cruelty, completely in contrast of someone who would go to marriage counseling to save their marriage…he appeared at marriage counseling to DESTROY me.  It was my very own sick nightmare smashing me in the head.  If anything, he's even better at his manipulative, deceitful craft because I was a constant detective and he kept me spinning for years…and I LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH HIM.  He has several people in his midst now, each one serving one of the many purposes I, solely, provided him with.  For example, he's got one female that is his girlfriend, another few that help with business stuff, another for finances, etc.   I can't even believe he's made a year like this, but then again, he hid behind me for seven years.  Now he's got an advanced degree in hidden Psychopathy by surrounding himself with people who believe he's a god for the services he provides.  Ughhhhh!

I ask for your prayers that somehow, some way, some one will remove this guy from society. 

[StarOfTheSea]

Yikes! It must have been chilling to watch those files, Hope. I think that's what disturbs me most about my ex, the fact that he could conceal his ugliness so well.

I hope that you feel safe.

[Hope0807]

Thanks so much for that Star,

Yessss.  So true!  It is so disturbing how they well they can conceal their ugliness.  Love how you put that.

Yikes! It must have been chilling to watch those files, Hope. I think that's what disturbs me most about my ex, the fact that he could conceal his ugliness so well.

I hope that you feel safe.