Letting him go on holiday alone... the beginning of the end?

[spottydog]

We have been married 18 years. We have totally different morals and standards. What I deem as unnacceptable behaviour, he thinks is perfectly acceptable. He has undiagnosed BPD and I was aware of all the warning signs when we first got together and chose to ignore them... . I thought I could help him, make him feel more secure, enable him to trust me... . this was never going to happen. He tells me all the time that I don't make him feel loved. In his opinion it is me that has the problem. (of course). We have 2 teenagers, my son will be doing his A levels this year. My husband seems to be obsessed with going on holiday without the kids and leaving them to fend for themselves. He says it is so we can have time together as a couple. We have already been away twice this year without the kids... . I have reluctantly gone along with his wishes, but am determined not to be railroaded into any more situations that I don't feel comfortable with. He now wants me to go with him on a 3 or 4 night break to Spain. I have said No. He has sulked for the last 4 days and barely spoken to me. I asked when he was thinking of going and he said at the end of May, just when our son will be taking his A levels. He has told me he is booking it, he will go without me if necessary, but he is going.  Last time he went away on his own he decided while he was away that our marriage was over, but didn't tell me until I had picked him up from the coach station and brought him safely home. (he has 'ended' our marriage and thrown his wedding ring at me at least 20 times during our marriage). He always seems to find some other life/place/woman who is everything I am not (in his opinion) that makes him temporarily unhappy with what he has at home. I have tried to give him a stable life and we have 2 wonderful children, but what he has is never enough. ... . Not sure what to do... .

[Lucky Jim]

what he has is never enough.

Hey spottydog,

So true.  I used to say "Never Enough" was my BPDxW's motto.  Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I was previously married to a pwBPD for 16 years and can relate to your situation.  Due to the inner turmoil of a pwBPD, it is "never enough" to quell their emotions, so they are forever looking for some new thing to assuage their discomfort.  It's a moving target.  I though that, at some point, we would reach a plateau where things were basically OK, but never got there.  Moments of peace were fleeting.  I suggest that you pay attention to yourself and what works for you.  Try to listen to your gut feelings and keep good boundaries, in order to figure out the right path for yourself.

LuckyJim

[spottydog]

Thanks for replying Lucky Jim, I am trying  hard to focus on what I want long term and take steps towards that goal.  I have already decided I have to take a stand against this control he tries to assert over me, making my life hell until I comply. I am not going to be the door mat any more. Trying hard to stay strong. Good to see that people can actually get out of these situations and survive (and thrive hopefully!)