Mom has a personality disorder

[Dofbdp]

Hi,

I'm in my 40s and I'm here because I believe my mom has a personality disorder.  She hasn't officially been diagnosed because she refused to seek help or treatment. She believes there is nothing wrong with her and it's always everyone else's fault.  She has 'disowned' her whole family- parents (before there were deceased), sister, cousins, nephews. All of these people get along normally with each other but my mom still thinks it is there fault she can't have a relationship with them, not hers.  My sister stopped having any contact with her about 10 years ago because she had a huge raving meltdown in front of my sisters child.   My relationship with her is on and off. I try to see her, but often she ends up saying really hurtful things to me.  She will sometimes hold it together for a visit because she wants to see my children, but then as soon as she leaves my house she will send me a very hateful email or text telling me what a horrible person I am because of something she perceives I did or did not do. A lot of her hurt feeling seems to be about her thinking she is not receiving enough attention or respect from others.  Anyway, I'm here to commiserate with others and hopefully learn strategies of how to deal with her.  At this point I feel I cannot deal with her so we have no relationship. This makes me sad, but it's not as miserable as I am when I do have contact with her.

[twomagi]

Hello DofBPD

I have just arrived on this forum too and just wanted to say that your post could have been written by myself in relation to my own mother. I've wrote a bit about my situation in my first post yesterday.

I'm really sorry you have to cope with such a difficult situation.  I just want you to know that there are others in the same situation and that is in itself a confirmation that our mums have a problem and that problem isn't us, even if they say it is.

I'm gradually learning that it's not all my fault and that I'm not the bad person my mother believes I am... .along with my husband and various relatives and former friends who have not shown enough respect or attention.  Neither are you.    It has taken me 50 years to discover this and I'm still only just at the start of the journey.  I'm sure we will both get much help here.  I also find it helpful to talk to a therapist regularly who helps me to see things more clearly.

Good  to meet to here.  Know that you aren't alone. 

[odaat]

You can't make it personal when it isn't real. I know how hard that is.

Unfortunately, right now, I am not able to be in contact with my mother. When I was I just had to recognise that she is not a well person. I would think about how she showed her affection. She made sure we got good educations and travelled. When we were not kicked out of the house we had food and shelter.

Its really hard to set boundaries and when I did she did not take it well. But she was so dependent on me for her needs because that's the messed up relationship we had. I was more of a spouse than a child.

Eventually it came to a point where I had to stop contact. I send her money when I can to help her. I get no response and I don't have any expectations of a response. I know I cannot change her and it is highly unlikely she will ever change.

The messed up thing is BPD seems like everything is personal yet with so much of her behaviour I realise it wasn't really personally directed towards me. It's like she directed it to herself.