Help needed - 3 years being cut-off from my (likely) BPD sister

[chicaexplorer]

I really need help to resolve a conflict - signposting to some information, a course perhaps we (as a family) can take to understand better how to deal with this situation.

My sister (aged 37, 4 years older than me, likely BPD) will not communicate with me, nor allow me to have any contact with my nieces. I was cut out 3 years ago, my mother a year later but she has been allowed back in to some extent to look after my older niece (4 year old) 1 day a week.

As a family we are despairing in how to go forward, as any mention of not agreeing with my sister's opinion by any family member to any minor degree provokes an extreme reaction, leads to threat/or perceived threat of cut off from the children. My niece has cerebral palsy and needs all the social contact, play and help that we can give her at this critical developmental stage. My sister is not coping with having what she sees as a 'not normal' child and is focussing attention on her 2 year old. We are not prepared to risk this losing contact with my niece therefore.

My sister has always been a very sensitive person, increasingly in my adult years as I have wanted a peaceful life I have been walking on eggshells, trying to not say the wrong thing, but 2 or 3 times in the past she has not spoken to me for up to 6 months at a time, for what she sees a me being selfish or unthinking. An example was me posting holidays pictures of my niece (she's lovely! aged 1 at the time) in the same album as another family friend's baby (who my sister sees as normal). I was supposed to have seen that this was unfeeling and shouldn't have done this. None of this was communicated to me, until I noticed weeks past of silence from her, then an email arrived and a lot of anger was outpoured at me.

4 years ago my niece was born, being starved of oxygen at birth or possibly other complications that my sister blames herself for. It has and continues to be uncertain the extent to which this will affect her but she has seizures, and certainly already exhibits learning difficulties and sight problems. In hindsight since the birth my sister hasn't been able to cope and 1.5 years into my niece's life, my sister for no apparent reason went quiet on me. After weeks of trying to persuade my family to intervene, my sister started to vent huge grievances against me - this time she had had it up to here - I was unfeeling, tactless, selfish - and this time it 'was it' - she was cutting me off. This came as a surprise as I thought actually our relationship was in quite a good place. My family has variously reported that she is angry that I arrived late to meet her, that I made a comment about inheriting baby clothes from her if I had children... . but over time no particular example she has given about what I actually did to justify this. In a few emails early on after 6 months when I pleaded to talk about things, she merely said that 'is was very telling that I didn't know what I had done' and didn't and hasn't since communicated what she is upset about to me.

My sister has always been very difficult to read. She struggles to communicate and pick up on social cues. Has struggled to maintain friendships and I know at work and in friendships has blown up at people and cut people off before. She has always been very jealous of my ability to communicate -  I am the opposite in this respect therefore. She has followed a fairly conventional path - university, jobs, worked her way up, bought a house, married, had 2 children. Conversely I have travelled and worked abroad since uni, had many different jobs/careers, am quite a freespirit, work doing voluntary work, still rent, have no car - cycle everywhere. She sees me quite differently to how I see myself. She thinks that I have it easy and that her life (even before my niece was born) is very hard. That I have been helped all the way, that our mother gave me more, and that she has worked hard to get where she is. She constantly thinks that she is owed things - that she must have everything she perceives that I have been given. I fact I have refused many things my mother has offered me over the years, and I find my mother has given my sister lots of financial support. I actually raised all my own my money to travel. It was actually hard to be away from home. I suffer from periods of anxiety and depression. I have never had a long term relationship and although have a full life I generally am happy with, I get lonely and find it exhausting not having the support of a partner, and at 34 wish I had children. Not knowing what job to do to be fulfilled I have found worrying and stressful.

I think, as unbiased as I can be, my sister is deeply unhappy. My sister is very angry. She finds it difficult to gain perspective and have empathy, so she is unable to consider that the way she sees things isn't the only possibility.

As my sister has become more stressed, through the trauma of dealing with my niece's unstable condition and the fact she has a disabled child, and by taking on a phd in the last few years (at the same time!). As her stress levels go up and down her behaviour fluctuates. Currently my mother has seen her as highly stressed and told me last night that last week on the phone she has flared up and started on her usual cyclical story that 'everyone in my family knows that I have been hideous to her for years'.

It may be difficult to express this to those who are external to this situation and don't know my sister or me, but this simply isn't the case - I have been supportive, kind, sometimes there, sometimes busy but never hideous... . For 1, we have barely had contact, because she won't allow it, even before I was constantly trying to say the right thing. No-one else around me gives me feedback that I am tactless/unfeeling. In fact I know people have fed back to me over years, that I am actually a very empathetic person in tune with people's feelings.

My cousins, aunt and uncle, my mum (we're all very close) are all at our wits end. I have been trying to support everyone and encourage them to continue to engage with my sister, to try in any way to take the stress away, offering childcare, inviting to do pilates etc. because I think if my sister feels loved, and is less stressed that is the only way her mind will stop clasping on the these negative ideas about me as a terrible person. I can recognise the source of the thoughts, for example until I matured (late teens) I would not readily include my (very difficult) sister and would be ready to listen to my friends when they said 'your sister is weird'. But I cannot take that away, I was young I had no other examples of how to behave, that was then - I do not think that way and haven't done for 15 or so years. As an adult I support her, sing her praises as intelligent, generous, unique.

Over the last 3 years I have tried several times to email (her preferred way to communicate). I have been careful to use short sentences, be clear in my communication, avoid ambiguous language, express my want to talk about things and hear her - not for me to talk about how I am right and she wrong. I have expressed my unconditional love for her. But all to no avail - things are worse than ever, I cannot even give a gift to my niece now.

My wider family has little understanding of mental health conditions and do not know at all how to meet this. They have talked a lot with her about her feelings, but just think that there is no point because she just doesn't hear it, and they can't make her consider alternative more positive ways of seeing things.

I have read about non-violent communication, communication methods that focus on validation etc. so I know that there are things that can help. But I have no power to do anything, it is my family that have contact with her. I worry that by allowing the situation to continue as it is, into a 4th year then they are at risk of colluding in the sense that my sister believes that everyone is in agreement with her and believes that I have done terrible things - which it's possibly could build on the negative story she is telling herself about me. My family doesn't think this and tells me so. My family are now organising family events separately -e.g. Christmas on two separate days inviting on different days.

What I want to know is what will help and what will hinder? How can we work as a family to get a clear plan together to move out of this paralysis? My sister has a psychiatrist (she mentioned to my mum but no more details) but we have no way of talking to him/her? What can I do?

Thank you, if you have read this far (it is very long, but difficult to explain!) and can help.

x

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards, and thank you for posting this. I am sorry for what you and your family are going through. What have you learned about BPD? Have you read through any of the lessons on the boards? Are you familiar with splitting in BPD?