BPD Glasses

[Oooohm]

--- Not for the newly "BPD aware" ------

Thought I would ask if this is happening also to any of the "Veterans" here.

Do you find yourselves now seeing BPD in many of the other people in your lives? Have we become so sensitive to the tell tale signs of BPD that we start seeing it in people who aren't BPD?  Or have we become so fluent and expeirenced in "BPD" we now can identify it in people who do have it?  Anybody know the population statistics?

I know EVERYONE from time to time exhibits some of the traits and coping mechanisms/ defense mechanisms but over the course of time with "Lots of data points" I'm "ACTUALLY SEEING IT" in many people.

99% sure... .

3 of my good friends ex-wives... . 1 of their new girlfriends

1 of my good friends present wife

1 of my uBPD wife's good friends... . 3 of her ex-friends

1 of my daughters friends

1 of my employees ... . and his wife

2 of my cousins (1 male, 1 female) (Out of 36)

My other cousin's new girlfriend

A few of my present and former clients

"Somewhat sure"... .

1 of my good friends

1 of my ex-girl friends (30 years ago)

my sister's boyfriend (10 years ago)

my old boss  (30 years ago)

Some of my other clients

My brother in-law

My mother in-law

My brother's wife

2 of my Sub-contractors

1 of my neighbors

Possibly... .

My Dad (Passed away)

1 of my Uncles

1 of my Mom's freinds

2 of my Aunts



Etc. etc. etc. 

Thoughts anyone ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Same experience.  I see it in celebrities and TV characters all the time.  But in my life -

I suspect several co-workers or former co-workers.

Several relatives.

My SIL is dBPD

My brother in law and an ex girlfriend are clearly NPD.

My mom definitely shows traits. 

MANY of my wife's friends

A friend of mine

I think they say 1 in 100.  But I would put the incidence of someone meeting the criteria for BPD or NPD around 5% (1 in 20)

[Oooohm]

It is an easily disguised disorder. If you don't know the person very well or haven't heard the stories told by their SOs of things that happen behind closed doors and all you have to go on is the "subtle signs" (quirks, ripples in re-called history, facial anger and silence at "perceived slights", over adoration or over negativity towards another, projection of their own faults onto others, private fights that happen in public that seem to "end the evening" for that couple without rhyme or reason, financial irresponsibility, etc.)

Do you find yourself acting differently around them? Using "SET" more than you would for say a friend or relative who doesn't show the subtle signs during normal conversation. Do your "defenses" go up when you realize... . maybe they have it? (Maybe a little PTSD)?   Start paying closer attention, "reading people"?  

1 in 20 sounds high (and a little scary) I hope not... .  but then again it may be higher.

[Jessica84]

Interesting topic. I see BPD in certain TV characters. Sometimes I see it in myself! I see narcissists and sociopaths and people with OCD... . But I rarely see BPD in anyone I'm around regularly. My bf is the only one who really fits the profile. I find that SET works on almost everyone regardless of whether they're "normal" or disordered.

[an0ught]

When you got a hammer every bump looks like a nail.

Learning to pick up subtle behavior sharpens our ability to spot things that are not common. And yes it can help us - there likely are some people around us that show some behavior that causes the same type of relationship dynamic than a pwBPD does. We are however no professionals and we are often not privy to critical information to tell e.g. BPD vs PTSD vs depressed+weird vs burn-out vs nervous breakdown. Not every odd behavior reaches the threshold of clinical diagnosis.

Most important however is - does labeling help us? The BPD label is of value if it leads to targeted treatment (DBT) or partners learning appropriate coping skills (LESSONS). But beyond that labels are hurtful and are a shortcut for closer observation of concrete behavior and choosing strategies to counter problematic behavior.

It is for beginners valuable to very closely observe and question whether there is BPD related behavior around them. Learning to question old believes, understanding your and partners FOO (family of origin) and putting on the new "BPD glasses".

But we got to be careful not to go too far. A lot of us are depressed and so tend towards b&w thinking. We can get into a BPD paranoia mood when balance and compassion may be called for.

Last but not least - we have to be careful with judgments. Judge and you will be judged. The more we judge others the more we strengthen our inner critic. Most of us have weak self esteem and strengthening the inner critic won't help here at all.