Damned if you do, damned if you don't

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi all. I've been off the board for a while. I just felt like I needed to step back and re-assess things. And maybe needed to step away from the mic.

I've been NC with uBNPDm for 5 years just about. It took me a while to untangle a lot of the FOG, realize she is the one pushing this choice and move on with my life. I struggle with fleas and depression, but for the most part, carry on. I am happy not to have her in my life. Make of that what you will.

The other day, I got a "sweet" phone call from her . At first, I listened, she seemed calm but then maybe hiding some rage under the calm tone. I was OK, not panicked. She kept talking about how life is so short and how "silly things" keep people apart who love each other and she's my mom and she loves me. I was posting a long post to analyze this phone call on here. I was listening to the message. As far as I knew, she never directly ever said she was sorry for any of the really hurtful mean things she has done and said to me that finally caused me to go NC until I could pull myself together? I went to check on the old email account she sends stuff to, maybe she had acknowledged all the bad stuff and I just didn't know it because I never look at that account anymore and now I was being too harsh?

Big mistake. Although maybe in a couple of hours I won't think so.

The stuff she had written to me is not only bizarre (sending me pictures of a dead pet -not as they were dead, but you know just that they had died, it was weird, maybe you had to be there.) but downright freaking terrifying. She is on my FB page - yes she admits it - and how could I care about (and here she listed all the causes I support) when I DON"T EVEN CARE ABOUT MY OWN FAMILY! Wondering what my friends would think if she let them know what a horrible person I am and she is SO ASHAMED of me! Sweet fancy Moses I could feel my heart pounding away in the old familiar way again. (P.S., I had changed my FB privacy settings a while ago after they made one of their sneaky changes again and I hadn't caught it. Now I am super duper careful to not post publicly most of the time unless it is really neutral.)

Granted the email was from last September but my goodness the rage and threats and hatred pouring off that email made the color run from my face. I think my heart was pounding because I was terrified? I wanted to write back with a simple up arrow to her email and ask if this was one of the "silly things" that might be getting in the way of our relationship?   But it might wind up in her hunting me down and killing me.     She also sent me an email to let me know my GM is in hospice, but that was in February and apparently she is still alive, because uBPDm told me so in the "sweet" voicemail with no mention of her being near death?

In any case, I am not contacting them because this ish is scary as all get out!

Guys, I'm scared. Really. What would you do if you were me? Continue NC? Say something? Send emails to someone in case something happens to me? Start telling people my story? I've been pretty private about everything. My DH knows she's a nutter, but I'm sort of worried about him, too.  

[ShieldsUp12]

BTW - the all caps are all caps from her email that she wrote. There were lots of caps and exclamation marks in her emails.

I'm not feeling as scared as I was when I wrote this post. My DH provided me with some much needed support. Still, it totally sucks that this is the situation. I'm sorry we are all in this boat one way or another on bpdfamily. Sorry I used the word "nutters". I know there are people on here who are trying to work with having BPD and that word is hurtful to say, esp since the BPDs here are making an effort to change unlike in my situation. It's just her MO all over again: I will say hateful horrible scary things to you and then chide you for staying away because of something "silly." 

I felt so many things when I read that email. Wanting to make sense of my feelings, not letting her dictate who I am or how I should feel about myself.  I can't believe I hoped against hope that maybe she had gotten some help and was trying to change. I just cannot trust her until she starts to understand, and I am frustrated that I cannot make her understand. I have no words. I'm sad that I feel unsafe contacting GM if she really is dying now. I'm angry. I'm just all sorts of things all balled up into one. I feel like the person in recovery who took a look in the liquor cabinet just to make sure they didn't have a problem and found out that yes, the problem is still there waiting to kick your butt. (kicking myself) Thanks for the safe space to vent. 

[Suzn]

Welcome back ShieldsUp

I'm sorry you're so upset.    I get it. It's a betrayal, to feel you were safe in your Facebook page and to find out your mom was watching over your shoulder so to speak. To be criticized for the things you stand for is hard.

I've been there. My mom was one of my Facebook friends and it wasn't an issue until this year. I've blocked her because she started contacting my friends privately. She didn't tell my friends I was horrible however she did them them I wouldn't talk to her and she was very worried. I was pretty angry about it because it was inappropriate. I was upset with her prior to this and after several conversations over the phone, text and email I had to step back and stop answering. She didn't take that well.

I still struggle with feeling guilty about blocking her, however, it's Facebook and it's not a lifeline for her. She has my phone number and she can call if she wants to. I haven't heard from her which is fine, I needed some time to get past feeling so angry.

I wouldn't respond to this old email. This sounds as though it was very triggering for you and we rarely think clearly when we are triggered. It's best to take plenty of time to center ourselves prior to any contact after something like this. My T explained it like this... ."I want you to treat this like you have the flu and rest". Because that's what you do when you have the flu, you take care of yourself.

Hope this helps.   

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi Suzn, thank you for your response. Triggering. Yes it was! Just to clarify I have never been friends with her on FB. She was just reading my posts without saying anything and then threatening to post stuff on my page (which she can't because of my settings) about what a horrible uncaring person I was. That I am a hypocrite for caring about something/someone other than them and not only was she ashamed of me, but I should be ashamed of myself. (I love it when she tells me how I should regard myself. NOT.) I know I continue to point to the "I am releasing you/will never contact you again" letter she carefully wrote in script and mailed to me long ago, which she has never acknowledged or apologized for, but it really did get to me that she would do that and then break her own promise to leave me alone and attempt to bait me over and over again. I was creeped out that she was stalking me on FB, and threatening to "expose" me, like some "House of Cards" script, but now she leaves this "sweet" message on my vmail like she never sent any of her horrific verbally abusive emails/vmails/letters. (I guess I'm GLAD I checked my emails!) She's like a split personality.

Also, after calming down, I realized if she did manage to leave something ugly on my page it really makes her look bad for all the world to see. I can also report her. I can block her. More evidence for me about her!    Also - who actually really cares? Most of my friends know me already and know my situation and the ones who are just acquaintances will probably think it's an unstable person posting junk to my page if they even see it at all. Any friends who want to take her side against me? They are free to do so! And I am free to not respond to them! Once they are friends with her, they can experience the "joy" of knowing her when she eventually turns on them! She pretty much guaranteed turns on everyone when they "let her down." And because they are human, they will "let her down"! And last but not least - Newsflash - I'm not that important! 

The funny thing is, and I'm kind of happy about this, I've been posting since then about everything I care about despite what she emailed to me because I didn't know she had threatened me and nothing has (yet) materialized on my page. Come to think of it, I actually accidentally ran across a comment  she left on an unrelated online news article (it stunned me to see it) that was pretty nasty and she got called out by a few people on it. I said nothing and just backed away from the article! Yikes!

[Demeter]

I have also been NC with dBPD mom for 5 years. When it started I changed the settings on my email account to forward all of her emails back to her. I don't get them,  I don't need them.

It sounds like you are also NC with family. I am sorry to hear that. I am grateful her family has  supported me and told her they would not meddle. Of course my grandmother has but I can't be mad at my grandmother, she has a lot of guilt and I have slowly told her more over the years. She suspected a lot but couldn't risk "the wrath".

Sounds like you have a supportive dh! That makes a difference!