My mother has a sadistic personalty, and I am not able to leave...

[kiki carradine]

Being so afraid I probably could get away with huge damage.

My mother is as Sadist,and I realized it two years ago,when I was 37 years old,because it was when I found a site about narcistic mother which comes verycClose to thistTopic.

But, that she is a real sadistic personality I saw,when I wasn´t allowed to sleep for three nights having cancer,and she was yelling without a pause at me.It was when I cried,put the Hand on my face and cried,because I was so exhausted and thinking what just has happened to us?

I thought, she would put an arm around me, and we would talk and perhaps cry together,and do forget all she has done in the past.

But, she had had an orgasm - I could see it in her eyes.

And she tried not to show,but sudddenly couldn´t hide,and laughed out loud !

After a while she stopped,but watched me with  a strange intensivness curiosity... . and then again,a bad hidden amused smile - and that horrifying glimmer in her eyes. from that very moment I knew it will be a hard and dangerous struggle to leave her - and it is !She is a Monster !

[Kwamina]

Hi kiki carradine,

I am very sorry that you are in this difficult situation. Dealing with cancer is hard enough and your mother’s behavior only made it more difficult. How is your health now?

Your mother’s behavior that you describe here is quite concerning and disturbing indeed. Could you tell us a bit more about your experiences with her? Did she always behave in what you would classify as a sadistic manner or was there perhaps a specific turning point? How would you describe your childhood with her?

There is a book called ‘Understanding the borderline mother’ that I think you might insightful. It is written by Christine Ann Lawson, are you familiar with this book? It is aimed at helping children transcend the intense, unpredictable and volatile relationship with their borderline parent. In the book four character profiles are given to describe different symptom clusters of a borderline parent: the waif, the hermit, the queen and the witch:

Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in multiple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by:

~the Waif,

~the Hermit,

~the Queen, and

~the Witch.

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

Based on your description of your mother, it seems that the ‘Witch’ character profile might apply to her. Would you say that’s an accurate assessment?

You can read more about the book here:

Understanding the Borderline Mother - Christine Ann Lawson PhD

[Leaving]

Oh Kiki,

My heart sunk as I read your post.  I wish I could be there to comfort and support you.  I too had cancer in 05 and if it were not for one dear friend, I would have been completely alone.  I never thought of my mother as a sadist and I'm going to get the book that Kwamina mentioned because I am still learning about the different BPD types.  After reading your post, I'm beginning to think my mother is definitely a sadist.  I know my husband is a BPD and he's definitely a sick sadist- just like my mother.  Both are narcissists.

Kiki, do you have anyone you can appoint as your medical advocate?  It's very important for you to have someone who will commit to relieving you from the stress of having to remember medical things, paying bills, etc... .   I was truly blessed to have my friend. He even looked after my dogs, cleaned my house, attended doctor's visits, took notes and researched treatments, cooked, etc... . It is so important for you to be in a safe and relaxed environment with someone that you trust and can depend on.  

I didn't have to deal with my mother during my cancer crisis since I was NO CONTACT with her but I was married and my husband was just like my mother so, I know how truly awful this must be for you to deal with someone who seems to derive pleasure from your suffering.  I know others will disagree with me when I say that I think it's pure evil but oh well.  I see it for what it is.  Evil.  

I don't know what cancer you have but Kiki, I know that living with these ' evil' people can cause cancer in us.  My doctor even told me that and he advised me to stay away from my husband because I was so oppressed by him.  I had ovarian cancer and he explained to me that often women with cancers and diseases of the reproductive system are often abused, stifled and oppressed by someone and or circumstances in their life.  More here

Let me know how you're doing and I'll certainly be here to listen when you need support.  

[maxen]

hi kiki carradine    i'm so sorry to read about your awful experiences but i'm happy that you've found our site. we have a large community of posters who have seen BPD from every angle and who are ready to listen and support. i hope you will have a look at the link that Kwamina gave, and also at the lessons on the right hand side of this page, which use material from top specialists in BPD. welcome again!

living with a person who has BPD can be madly stressful. i found that out when i was married, and now that i look back on it the drinking pattern i developed and the increasingly frequent depressive episodes were surely a reaction to it. (since i signed my divorce, i've stopped drinking liquor altogether!) stress can manifest in many ways, and cancer may be one of them but of course it has its own causes too. i hope your treatment was successful!

how are you doing today? could you tell us a little more about your living situation? please keep posting kiki carradine!