Father with BPD in denial

[scott0037]

Hello,

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards. Denial is common with BPD. A core issue is low self-esteem. Admitting to having a mental illness might further threaten one's self-esteem rather than empower the person knowing that treatments are available. There is still stigma associated with mental illness in the minds of many.

[scott0037]

Hello,


I am 35 yrs old, my parents have been married for 30 + yrs and this past year they fell on hard times in their relationship and separated. Growing up my father was a great dad and a great provider. My mother handled most of the communication. My father did struggle with communication and when I think back there were occasions where my fathers reaction to certain things just left you scratching your head. Needless to say, I feel i had a fine childhood and after speaking with my mother and father about this it sounds like my mother dealt with a lot of my fathers BPD traits - which throughout their marriage i guess could be considered moderate. It wasn't until this past year when my mother had some family deaths and look to my father to step up emotionally - which i guess he was incapable of doing. This caused my mother to finally leave the house and separate from my father. This separation seem to trigger my fathers BPD from moderate to high - if that's possible? As he became much more verbally abusive towards my Mom, alienated his children/my siblings and just started to pull these childish stunts where he was trying to "see how much people cared about him".

 

After months of marriage counseling and one on one counseling the end result is my father was officially diagnosed with BPD. Unfortunately, my father did not take it well and is in denial about his condition. I have also done my own independent research as well as talked in-depth with my fathers counselor (with my fathers consent) and I am in complete agreement with the diagnosis.

The problem now is my father is worried about being able to get a job in the future (b/c of his diagnosis) and he feels there is a stigma attached to people w/ BPD - so much so that now he has discontinued counseling and is headed for a divorce. I have spent many hours talking to him about this, trying to understand but find myself going in circles. I have been supportive as I can towards him and his condition but that can be very exhausting as well.  We went so far as to setup an intervention type meeting to get him back into counseling but he refused. I have communicated to him how much his family loves and supports him but to him - not having "the BPD label" is more important to him then his happiness as well as his families.

I have accepted he is willing to live in denial but feel this will put a strain on our relationship in the future as this will always be the elephant in the room whenever we talk.  He has completely alienated himself from his children (who are all 30+ yrs of age now) as well as my mother (his soon to be ex-wife).  I Would never cut my father off nor would my siblings but part of me will find it hard to have the relationship we once had if he is not willing to be a man and get the help he needs. I also feel his refusal of further counseling is selfish in the sense that him NOT having the BPD label is more important then his family's happiness as well as his. With that being said, a few questions;

What are the best ways to deal with a parent who has BPD and is in denial about it? 

Beyond research and speaking to professionals, is there anything else I can do to better understand BPD?

When my fathers BPD traits start to come out I find myself re-directing him all the time, which can be emotionally exhausting and this wears down my patience which then causes me to dismiss him, how can I handle this better?



Any feedback is greatly appreciated, I am desperately seeking any kind of guidance on dealing with BPD parents in their late 50's.