Excruciating pain - She vanished from my life

[JeyCee]

Hi, i´m here to share my testimony and maybe get some feedback. English is my second language. I live in South America and I am 39 years old. I have a 7 year old son.

So about 5 years after my divorce i went into my first serious relationship 19 months ago with a woman 10 years younger than me. Things went really quick between us. At first I was somewhat distant, as I had been in all relations since my divorce, but she found the way to get to me with ease, perfect timing and perfect words. She told me the exact things I wanted to hear. I was the man of her life. She was definitely the woman of my dreams. Our sex was AMAZING. I used to tell my friends that I never thought a relationship like that was even possible. Things went by smoothly and perfectly during 18 months, I never saw or perceived any red flags, no major problems no major fights. Then, six weeks ago, she started to drift away misteriously and with no visible reason. I inmediately felt insecure about her as I had never before. I even thought she might be talking to someone else. She told me she felt I wasn´t compromised enough. I answered back that I was so compromised as to move together right away and once that worked into place, get married. I would not allow myself to lose that love. Things got quiet for a couple of days during which we planned our future life together. I was again the love of her life and we couldn´t foresee the future without each other. Then, one night, like a month ago, we went out for a drink and she broke up with me out of the blues with some classic break up reasons. I was in shock. Like a train hit me. Five days later i called her and told her i needed to talk to her. When we met at a coffee house the person i found was a COMPLETE stranger. She went up to me with a huge smile and deep anger and told me she had been great without me, having a spectacular time. She told me she was in a COMPLETE new page (five days afetr breaking up!) of her life, that she did not love me at all (and hadn´t for quite a time), that she was talking to two men that already knew about our break up, and that i please not bother her with calls or anything, that i shouldn´t make things harder. Then she just left and thats all i know of her, till 10 days ago I got an email where she was hard and distant and thanked for a picture i gave her that she would keep "in her heart for the rest of her life". I never answered.

I am devastated with an excruciating pain that I can in no way explain. Never have I felt anything similar in my life. I seeked for help and started therapy where eventually I discovered the possibility of her being a BPD. She matches the quiet BPD traits almost perfectly. Now I can see how i totally missed some huge red flags: she had some type of eating disorders, took pills secretly for that, abandonment issues from childhood (just as myself), some lying, and general poor self image. I am working on my childhood issues to figure out why i choose such a person as a partner. Apparently, my mother has BPD traits as well.

Now I am in the midst of the biggest crisis of my life and having enormous problems dealing with it. I have sticked to the NO CONTACT rule. As a matter of fact, i hope never to talk to her ever again in my life. I am doubting i have BPD myself. I have never felt so f*cked up. I have lost like 18 pounds in one month and i rarely sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night even though I am taking pills to sleep (for the first time in my life). I am having trouble to put up with daily work and I am even having trouble attending my child.

How can i cope with such extreme pain?

[jo19854]

Hi JeyCee,

Your story is similar to mine in ceratain ways, my profile info is quite long but at least it gives you an idea how crazy things can be.

I completely relate to your words of pain.

I am not the run to a counselor type, i started with that but it didn't work, they don't understand/comprehend the magnitude of this. After a year i tried again and the approach from this person is better for me. In case you can find a counselor, see one who is able to deal with PTSS prevention.

I went back to work and tried to concentrate, it helped me through the day, allthough i had panic attacks driving home, at least i was not in the house all day.

In your case there was some contact, mine dissapeared suddenly.

Youre dealing with something so traumatic, try to find many friends and family who are willing to listen to your story. To give you an advice - please tell them that they can help you by being a listener. You need to vent (if you are like me a bit)

I know this is quite a direct approach, but i truly truly know what you are going thru. I came home 15 moths ago from work and i only found a note with no explanation, no adrss. No reply, nothing.

Jo