Needing support in cutting off my BPD mother

[sba1993]

I'm wondering what kind of advice, or experiences you all have had with cutting off a parent with BPD. This decision has been very hard for me and I'm not entirely sure how to go about the process of ending. I also I need support in just knowing I am not the scum of the earth for making this decision.

I have tried everything I know to help my mother and have a good relationship with her and I just don't know how to. I am now seeing a therapist (which my mother recommend to me in hopes that it would fix me) that has been a god send and finally gave me a name for my mother's behavior. She was diagnosed with BPD when I was younger but having no knowledge of it thought it was multiple personality disorder, so I agreed with my mom that the diagnosis was wrong. She has been helping me deal with a lot of issues and has helped me realize my relationship with my mother is not only harmful to my mental health but to my safety.

I love my mother dearly and wish the best for her, however over the years I have become emotionally distanced from her realizing she was never really a mother to me at all.

I'm 22 now and from as far back as I can remember all I knew was her hysterical rages. She spared me from them in my youngest years, but I constantly remember her always going off on family members. I don't mean just mad, but screaming yelling cursing, throwing things going into an all out melt down. She hated my grandmother and refused to see the family saying that I still could if I wanted too. However, if I did she would have a meltdown and cry and ask me how I could betray her like that. So I quit seeing my family. For years, even though she caused me emotional pain I stuck up for my mom and thought her behavior was normal. As a kid she would rant and rave and break anything she could get her hands asking how I could be such a horrible person. She would ask me to bring her things to break that were important to her so I always brought her things I had gotten her because I thought I was such a horrible child. When I did she remarked "Oh you think you must be really special to me huh?". She also made me cut up her favorite sweater and cut her hair off, saying that I just needed to be honest about how I felt about her and when I refused she would hit me. I was honestly and still am completely terrified of my mother. She had also pulled me out of school in second grade but never homeschooled me. She doesn't work so I've pretty much lived  my entire life in a house with her. I was put on anti depressants when I was 5 and lived the majority of my life as a depressed blob that did nothing but watch tv and take care of the house as she was too stressed too.

When I was 12 the house was foreclosed on and we moved two hours away from home as a "fresh start" that's when everything got worse. I was constantly being yelled at and criticized about everything I did. Things also became much more physical and slappings became normal. I went back to school and made lots of friends. In which she constantly would tell me things I did annoyed people and if I didn't change everyone would hate me and also forced me to end relationships with most of my friends because they were bad friends to me. Whenever I would hang out with my friends she would call me constantly and yell at me. And the control my mother had I me I would insist I had to go home, I couldn't have fun anymore. I eventually left school again because I couldn't keep my grades up, having no prior education.

When I was 16 I had a boyfriend who she could not stop interfering with. Going as far as picking us up and moving another two hours away. It was also at this time when she had a rant so bad she pinned me down on my bed spitting in my face that she was going to kill me. And the way her rage had gotten worse over the years I took it as a real threat. We moved into a one bedroom house which I insisted was a horrible idea and she screamed and begged why couldn't I ever just do what she wanted so I caved. Which now it is my fault we moved there because I insisted on it. It was an old house she wanted to remodel, she tore everything apart then never did anything. In the time we lived there the ac quit working, the kitchen sink didn't work, neither did the bathtub so we took showers in plastic bins and we had no fridge. She gave up on everything and sat in her bed day in and day out while she made me do all the cooking and cleaning and errand running. Two years went by that I'm pretty sure she never left the house. I tried my best all while being completely depressed and attending cosmetology school. However, it wasn't good enough I didn't try hard enough I was not there for her. I had also taken a full time waitressing job and made great money. I didn't see any of though because it all went into making house payments. Our fighting got so bad she had pushed me down the stairs, hit me with a belt and one time picked me up by the neck and threw me across the room and then laughed at how funny I looked. One night she kept me up all night yelling until I apologized for something I didn't do when school time rolled around I told her I had to leave and threw my keys and at me and told me to leave. When I did she called me crying saying she couldn't believe I left her like that and made me come home. She also kicked me out one time and took the keys to my car after a couple weeks of living at a friends she called and she was ready for me to come home and apologize. I cried in hysterics because I didn't want to go home.

I dreamed of moving to Chicago to go to school but stayed to help make house payments and every year I said I was going to leave but stayed because I felt I couldn't leave her like that. My depression had become so bad that I was contemplating suicide because I saw no way out. The fighting was so bad I was really afraid for my life. One day I saw an out. I was going to go to college two hours away and signed a lease which brought on many fights about how I had abandoned her. She solved that problem though she moved to the same town. That started new fights because I didn't come see her enough and thought her 10 daily calls were too much. Everytime I see her there's just a huge fight because I can't stand being criticized about everything I do. If it is not want she wants it wrong. I got my nose pierced which she had a fit about because I should have respected that fact that she doesn't like piercings. Every time she calls she asks what I'm doing AKA are you doing something without me. She wants to meet all my friends and asks why she isn't allowed to hang out with us. She also wanted to come see all my classes. The reason why I refuse to let my friends be around her is because when she does she plays this role of I'm such a great mom and I am such a horrible daughter and tries to get my friends against me.

I've tried not answering her calls but she just shows up at my house. Last year we had a incident where she showed up to my house uninvited got drunk and locked herself in my bathroom and screaming she hates me and I'm no daughter of hers. I ended up calling the cops to get her out of my house which took two hours because she refused to leave. The next month was the worst month of my life. I blocked her phone and wouldn't answer her calls. She texted me and told me my grandfather (who is in her care) died. Which wasn't true she just wanted to yell at me. My grandfather sides me, however needing a care taker no longer interjects to keep the peace for him. I felt horrible and finally apologized. After seeking therapy I really tried to get along with my mother, which consisted of me just taking all of her bashings and she said it was the best our relationship had ever been. In January she called and insisted that I move in with her again because I cannot afford living on my own. It is true I'm struggling. But when I talked about after I graduate and move away she also devised a plan she would move wherever I moved so I could live with her as well and even talked about when I got married how my family could live with her. I told her no and that had sparked the biggest fight yet. After weeks of raging phone calls (which I answer to keep her from coming to my house) she stopped calling. For about a month and half I heard nothing from her and things were going great. Then she started calling crying about how she couldn't believe I wouldn't apologize and told me to call her when I had one. These calls have been going on non stop for two months now which I haven't apologized and don't plan to, but she doesn't get it and keeps persisting that we are going to have a relationship. All while calling me evil and saying I ruined her life. Last week I did try to have a dinner with her easter which turned into a disaster because she misunderstood something I said which was my fault and she physically attacked me.

I love to have a relationship with my mother but I can't do this anymore. It effects every aspect of my life. I keep not apologizing thinking she will get the hint and leave me alone, but she doesn't. I have no idea how to outright tell her I'm done. Because I truly feel awful for her, I know she really does think every one is out to get her and she is completely alone. I am her only child, she never remarried, has cut off all ties with family and can't hold down a job because she fights will all her coworkers and tells them how to do their jobs. I know she think she is in the right and I don't know how to tell her it's not. I'd rather have her hate me forever than break her heart, but I just don't know how to go on like this.

I am also scared because my grandpa has always loaned me money when I need (that I pay back) and if I end things with her she is going to cut off my relationship with him. I don't think I'm going to scrape up enough to pay my rent and my only other option is to move in with my estranged father two hours away and give up school because they do not offer the degree I want where he lives. 

I want to hear your stories and your advice to help me.

Please and thank you. Sorry for pouring so much information out but damn it feels so good to finally talk about it.

[claudiaduffy]

sba1993,

I'm leaving a hug here. If you want it, it's yours. 

This is so, so much stuff to have to deal with. You've come to the right place - we all know a little bit at least what it's like.

I'd explore the low-cost options to minimize your mother's ability to contact you. Changing your cell phone number shouldn't be a huge deal with most phone companies. You might also contact churches in your area to see if they have resources for finding you safe roommate/rental options that you can better afford even without your grandfather's financial help. If you can move, you then have the option of not letting your mother know where you live. Until then - or if that's not what you choose to do - you can refuse to let her in when she shows up. You are an adult that she is outright abusing; you probably have enough evidence to get a restraining order, though I'm not sure that you would want to have to go through that process. But you are absolutely allowed to protect yourself, even though that means cutting your mother off completely.

I am so sorry you're having to do all this. And I am so glad you're seeing a therapist.

[Lavandula]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have been and still are going through this. I can relate to this, but your mom seems so much worse than mine. I know it would be hard to cut ties, but I think you definitely are justified in doing so. I really hope you are able to find a way to finish school.

Also, Tracfone has really cheap options if you didn't already know, I pay about $10 a month for my little smartphone. Don't know if that helps at all, but just wanted to throw it out there just in case it might help you save some money.

I wish you well 

[sba1993]

Thanks so much to both of you for replying! I don't really have any relationships where I can talk about my relationship with my mother so it is very comforting that there are others out there who understand and don't think I am a terrible person!

I've thought about blocking her from calling me and changing my number, however I am close to my grandfather and like right now he is in the hospital not doing too well so she is my only connection to him right now. Which is what worries me I don't want him to be dying and not know about it.

As far is looking for other housing options the current problem is I am signed into a lease. I am currently unemployed (long story) and have been searching for a new job constantly and have gone on a few interviews but everywhere is been iffy on when they are hiring and are talking about waiting until the semester ends. When I decided I was not going to apologize to my mother and make the attempt to break things off my best friend (since we were 5) who has a really good job and brags about how she has 10,000 just sitting in her bank account told me she would help me until I was on my feet again. She now "wants to buy furniture" and just doesn't know cause it's a lot of money. So now I'm without a paddle cause my grandfather was the cosigner on my lease so they will go after him if I do not pay. Which I don't want to happen. And if I can't pay I will have nowhere else to go. Another issue I have with trying to find another place to live, besides not having money for deposit seems logical and people keep telling to just get rid of my dogs. And I know it seems horrible to put myself in such a situation over a couple dogs, but they are the only family I have. I cry to them and they love me back unconditionally, which I've never had and I don't know how to live without them. They are the only healthy relationship I have. I also can't sleep without out them due night terrors I have from when I lived with my mother. Every sound during the night wakes me up with a panic because my mom used to come into my room in the middle of the night and rip me out of bed.

The plan has been that if I move I will not tell her where I live so I do not have to worry about her showing up at my house (however she has incredible stalking skills). I fear her coming to my house because if I do not allow her in I'm seriously afraid she will damage my car or house, in which case I will have to call the police but I know how bad that hurt her the last time and certainly has not let me forget about it. And I truly do not want to hurt her plus calling the cops the last time "has effected her from getting a job", but no complaints were filed nor was she arrested.

I'm sure you can see it's a never ending circle of me trying to protect my mother and not hurt her, as well as my own issues. It's so tiring and want to just make that break to cut her off completely but it's hard emotionally at the same time.

[claudiaduffy]

Dear person,

It is not your job to protect your mother from the logical outcome of her actions. She has treated you like no mother ever should. When you absorb her abusive actions - letting her vandalize your property, or assault you, without notifying the authorities, you are both participating in your own abuse AND you are disrespecting her own adulthood. Adults bear the responsibility for their own actions. She is not treating you as a daughter; and you are not actually treating her as your mother when you do that. You are treating her as a baby who doesn't have the moral responsibility for their actions.

Please, please, be the one to truly protect yourself and stop protecting your mother from herself. You cannot do it in the long run, anyway. Being held legally responsible for her actions may be one of the only ways she can get the invasive help she needs - that you cannot give her, because of the sickness in her mind toward you.

[cleotokos]

sba1993, I second ClaudiaDuffy. It is not your job to protect your mother from the inevitable results of her actions. I know it's hard and I know she may not seem to understand, but you cannot make up the slack for that. At some point you must protect yourself.

I understand you not wanting to give up your dogs. Animals can provide that unconditional love that we missed as children. I had a wonderful cat that did this for me. I feel that she took care of me so much, she was my heart. She passed a few years back which was terribly sad but I'm so, so thankful I had her in my life. I too would never have given her up for anything, at a time I was like you having trouble finding a place that would take pets in my affordability range. It would have torn my heart out to give her up, it would have destroyed me. So I understand.

[Lavandula]

I can totally relate to the pets too. My cats are so important to me, they are family members and I love them so much . So sorry about your Grandpa too, you have so much to deal with now, take care of yourself first  .

I have actually gotten some money from doing surveys at opinion outpost recently to tide me over until a seasonal job starts. 100 points is $10 and if you go on everyday they can add up quickly. Then you get it sent to pay pal and then you can transfer it to your bank. Again, not much, but it could cover some small expenses. It's crazy how tough it can be to get a job, hope you get one soon!

[Panda39]

Hi sba1993,

I'm so sorry you having to struggle with all of this and can understand why you want separation from your mother I think you are making a healthy choice for yourself because of her BPD behaviors and the totally normal choice of a 22 year old to reach for independence.  I also know you love your mom but you are not responsible for her she is an adult and can take care of herself you need to look after you now. 

I am also scared because my grandpa has always loaned me money when I need (that I pay back) and if I end things with her she is going to cut off my relationship with him. I don't think I'm going to scrape up enough to pay my rent and my only other option is to move in with my estranged father two hours away and give up school because they do not offer the degree I want where he lives.

It sounds like your grandpa has been your support. Could you discuss your difficulties with him?  Maybe you could come up with a plan together?  Can you revisit the situation with your friend? Maybe your friend and your grandpa could combine resources (smaller amount for each of them) to help you,  What is the relationship like with your dad? Would he be willing to help you financially? Are you comfortable staying with him?  Would he keep your location private from your mom if you went to him?  What are the job prospects where he lives?  Would you consider taking a timeout from school and work full-time for a little while to get your financial situation more under control?  Do you have other family you could reach out to? Aunts, Uncles, Cousins? Do you feel able to delay until your financial situation is more stable? Have you talked with your landlord?  Would they consider letting you out of your lease? Are you eligible or receiving unemployment? ... .just brainstorming... .

Wishing you well,

Panda39

[CalledaPerson]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. You're old enough now at this point where you shouldn't need to be putting up with this degree of harassment and violence. Even if it means you would not have the support of your grandfather (or sadly not even know if he passes on), you still should do what is best for you. You should not need to tolerate abuse. It's 100% the fault of our abusers. It might be a good idea to ramp up your evasion tactics, then you would not be in a situation as often where you would need to listen to her or deal with her abuse. Maybe buy a pre-paid phone, tell her that's your new number, but secretly keep your original number for job searches and the like. I know people who get new phone numbers every couple months. Maybe redouble your efforts to get out of there: Ask the landlord if they would let you out of the lease. (But try to get the promise in writing so it doesn't ruin your credit).  Maybe find a way to technically still live there but be on the road a lot with a job, such as stewardess or something. Some large companies will hire people if they are willing to travel 100%. Then you would constantly be going from city to city and living out of a suitcase. It could mean putting school on hold and paying a friend to temporarily or permanently take and or watch your pets. When my mother moved out, I had to give up my dog to my aunt, since I moved into an apartment with my dad, and they didn't allow pets. I still was able to visit my dog any time. Anyway, I know it's hard to deal with uBPD mothers and I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

[sba1993]

Thanks so much for everyone's advice and support.

So being stressed out and not wanting to deal with the situation I said sure to living with her one night just cause I was exhausted. I knew I had made a mistake and it took me a couple weeks to tell her I would not move in with her. It was made so much harder because she's been nicer to me in the past couple weeks than she ever has been and then kept trying to buy me stuff but if I refused to take it, it caused a bigger fight.

My grandpa is thankfully doing better now and I talked to him about me possibly moving in with my father and he told he thought I should and get away from mother. It's not the ideal situation I still do not want to leave school or my town with all my friends but for now it seems to be a temporary solution, at least until I can get finances worked out. He also we will allow me to bring my pets along.

He also helped me with my rent this month which I feel horrible about (which I'm sure that is because my mother has always made me feel like crap if I needed help). I start a new job this week, but still need a second to be able to afford my rent. As for getting out of my lease I can't, they're a super strict company that will not let you out for anything.

I finally told my mom that I would not be moving in with her and was seeking an apprenticeship two hours away where my dad lives. She did not get what I was saying and was like "That's fine we can all move up there instead." so I told her I would be temporarily living with my father she blew up. She's been calling me all week and yelling at me that my decision is a bad one for "financial reasons" which makes to no sense because I would be living with my dad for free. She then told me if I decide to do this that I "would be cursed by the devil with divorce and death of my children". When I told her I would still not be moving in with her she told me to come get my stuff out of her garage which is just a couple boxes. When I got there I could only find one box because her garage is floor to ceiling with crap she is hoarding so I just called the other boxes a loss. Then yesterday she made me come get my bike from when I was a child. I told her to just throw it out because both the wheels have to be replaced and she said "I'm not doing anything for you". So I came to get it in my two door car and it took a half hour to cram it in there. She then stood there waiting for me to apologize when I didn't she made a scene in her yard and I left. She now wants me to rent a truck and return the couch she gave me two years ago. I don't have the money to do that and demands it by tomorrow.

I have started ignoring her phone calls. I'm trying to break contact with her now, however I don't think she's going to let this go very easy and I will probably get a bunch of horrible voicemails on mother's day. And unfortunately my father still lives in the same house from when they were married so she will now where I am.

[PrettyPlease]

Thanks so much for everyone's advice and support.

Then yesterday she made me come get my bike from when I was a child. I told her to just throw it out because both the wheels have to be replaced and she said "I'm not doing anything for you". So I came to get it in my two door car and it took a half hour to cram it in there. She then stood there waiting for me to apologize when I didn't she made a scene in her yard and I left. She now wants me to rent a truck and return the couch she gave me two years ago. I don't have the money to do that and demands it by tomorrow.

I have started ignoring her phone calls. I'm trying to break contact with her now,

sba1993,

Great that you've got contact with your grandfather and father and have a place to go with your dogs. Good work, keep doing it.

In my opinion going NC (no-contact) is the right thing to do in your situation. At least for a good long chunk of time. Possibly years.

What your mother has done, and does repeatedly, is unethical, abusive, and illegal, from any sane person's perspective. Which doesn't include your mother, who is clearly not.

And these things are definitely not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and to the rest of human society -- which you can help most by following the advice of claudiaduffy.

I think there are background articles on this site on how to go NC and what to expect and how to deal with it. It might be good to look at some of that (I can look up links if you're interested and have trouble finding them.) 

One thing I'm sure of is that you can't expect the pwBPD to change -- unless they take responsibility for their actions AND get professional help -- and that's not happening with your mother. And it looks extremely unlikely.

So you have to accept, and plan for, her continuing to do the kinds of things you've described. She may stop for a bit (through her own weird internal logic), but it will come back. So you need a strong wall, a strong boundary -- both psychologically and physically -- so she doesn't get access to you.

You've described working out the physical boundary, which is great -- but the psychological one is equally important. It's good that you've got a therapist, who, you said, "finally gave me a name for my mother's behavior", and that's important. But you also have a part in the dance with your mother -- it's not your fault, you were trained into it from birth -- but your boundary is low; you were trained to let her run over you like a truck squashing you flat. The therapist can help you with that too, because that doesn't have to happen; you can change that. In fact you are changing it; congratulations. More of that please. 

[Panda39]

Sounds like mom is having an extinction burst because you are setting boundaries and moving in with your dad.

Here's some more info on extinction bursts. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I think it really helps to educate ourselves about some of the behaviors we experience by the BPD people in our lives.  It makes it easier to see it for what it is and try not to take it personally.

I'm glad you've come up with a solution for now that gives you a chance to catch your breath, get your finances straightened out, and puts some distance between you and your mom.

By the way your Grandpa is awesome 

Keep us posted on how things progress.

[Spruce927]

SBA,

I am in your same position just 8 years later.  I only wish I had cut her off at 22.  I would have saved myself a lot of damage... .

It sounds like your mom is VERY bad.  I am so sorry about the physical and emotional abuse.  She sounds like a nightmare, one I know all too well. 

All I can say is that people here understand and will give you support.  I am sure there is a sigh of relief that you are not alone, and that you understand WHY your mother behaves the way she does.  Once you grasp BPD in its entirety, it helps you cope.  I found the more I educated myself, the better it got.  When she sends one of her hatred rage-like emails, I am able to take it less personal and step back to evaluate.  It's like having a new perspective. 

Our mothers are so taxing on us emotionally.  It's truly a burden we cannot carry.  Do NOT feel like you have to speak to your mother.  Also, understand that when you tell people about her a lot of people have this notion that you never don't speak to your mother.  They do not have knowledge about BPD.  Stay strong in your choice. 

I wish you nothing but the best.