Abandonment trigger

[Jessica84]

I have a strange dilemma... . my uBPDbf offered to keep my fish during the winter (when my heat was on/off in my house) - these are tropical and need a certain room temperature.

I didn't realize the consequences involved. I mean... . fish... . really? A few weeks ago, on a warm Sunday when I had free time, I asked him if I could come by a pick them up. They were my responsibility and I didn't want to take advantage of his offer since the weather had warmed.

He said no problem, come any time. But when I got there, major dysregulation. He was pouting, cold, distant, picked a big fight with me so I left... . took one tank, left the other. This is the night he said he didn't want to speak to me for 6 months... . he lasted a few days.

It turns out he really liked taking care of them... . and talking to them. They were also the only things of mine in his home, which he admitted he liked... . clearly he was triggered by all sorts of abandonment fears here, but I didn't realize any of this at the time. He never mentioned anything like this the last few months. So in my mind, it was a burden to him, and I was coming to relieve him.

I haven't mentioned them since... . but he has jokingly accused me of "abandoning" the one I left behind. Dilemma is... . do I... .

A) pick them up and take away his little friends, and the one thing in his house that is mine, triggering his abandonment fears? Or... .

B) leave them there and let him think I am a heartless a-hole who abandons her pets and therefore will abandon him?

Don't I trigger him either way? Is there an option C? I offered to let him keep them, but he won't really say yes or no.  Truth is, I don't really care either way. I don't have a bond with them, but he does. I only wanted to give them a safe environment during the winter because they are living creatures. But with the warm weather... . ? How do I avoid triggering him? I honestly think this is silly and would be a total non-issue with anyone else.

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[misuniadziubek]

I know that BPD people generally find animals to be easier to relate to than people. My bf gets excited about squirrels, cats, raccoons. He would lie down on the floor with my dog to play with him. He also really gets along with my autistic brother.

I think the fish give him a sense of not being alone. Kind of the way some people, including my pwBPD put on the TV or Radio to feel less lonely. As long as there is sound/movement, there is a sense of wholeness/distraction.

If you really don't care about him keeping the fish, and he's doing a good job, I don't see a reason not to leave them with him.

Tell him that you changed your mind, and that you think the fish thrived and seemed healthier while at his place, and that as long as he doesn't mind, you'd prefer to keep them at his place, as in this is your decision. If at any point it becomes too much of a burden for him, you are willing to take them back and he should let you know and that you want this to be a reason to visit him often as well.

I don't know. This is how I feel I'd handle it. You might have a different idea.

Good luck 

[formflier]

 


Check out the lesson below... .for some Jessica84 communication tools

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

I think setting up a DEARMAN for this would be a great exercise for you... .and for many others on this board to watch.

My one suggestion is that you set it up so that he has an opportunity for input... .but it is not open ended.

You don't want your decisions affected by someone... .that can't make a decision.  Plus... .this will train him that he will have a chance... .but it is limited.  If that upsets him... .don't rescue him from that... .that's life.

Thoughts?

FF

[Jessica84]

Thanks Miz and FF. I realize this seems silly, but it caused such an explosion before... . I'm grateful for the advice here.

From what I read DEARMAN is the tool used for asking for something we need. In this case, I don't need anything from him. I'm ok with taking them home or leaving them there. Mostly, I'd like to avoid a meltdown over nothing... .

I can Describe the situation - I asked him to keep the fish during the winter. Express my opinion/feelings, (love what Miz said!)-- the fish are thriving there, they're good company for him, and he's taken good care of them. Assert that I will leave them there for now, but I can come get them if it's ever a problem. (Also part of negotiation). Reinforce the reward (that he and the fish will be happy and I'll help with cleaning) - that should also help calm his abandonment fears. Mindfully stay focused (don't let him change the subject) Appear confident - got it. Negotiate - let him be part of the solution. Be willing to take them home if he really doesn't want them... . got it.

Is that right?

[Grey Kitty]

DEARMAN is primarily to get your pwBPD to agree to do something... .which requires willing cooperation, i.e. something you cannot enforce with a boundary.

I'm not even sure what you want.

Over winter, you wanted your fish to survive, so you let your bf keep them with his reliable heat.

Now, what do you want? You have some choices here, and you only talked about what your bf might want / what reaction you are afraid of from him, not about what you want!

Do you want your fish back?

Do you want to give him your fish?

Do you want to let him keep your fish?

What you want and what he wants may not be a perfect match, and there is room to negotiate... .but start out with what is important to you, and I haven't seen that yet.

[formflier]

 

I was thinking she wanted him to give a clear answer about take or leave the fish.

That was what I was proposing a DEARMAN for... .to get him to give an answer.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

And another option for Jessica is that she doesn't have strong preference either way about whether she or her bf keeps custody of the fish... .in which case, she would want to try to get a straight answer about what her bf wants about them.


Hmmmm... .


Another option. Take her fish back... .and give him a fishtank of his own with some new fishes. And ask him which ones of hers were his favorites, and give him some of his favorite fishes back too.

Not sure he really wants fish... .but that would be a sweet and generous thing to do, which is more boundary appropriate as well.

[formflier]

Not sure he really wants fish... .but that would be a sweet and generous thing to do, which is more boundary appropriate as well.

Great point... .my guess is... .it's more about having something of hers... .that she leaves there.

[OffRoad]

Maybe you could say "If you'd like to keep this tank of fish, this would be the best of both worlds. You'd still get to take care of them and talk to them, and I wouldn't be abandoning them because I could see them every time I visit you."

[Jessica84]

Well that didn't go as expected... .He painted the fish black! Well one in particular - he called it "neurotic" and "rude" to the others. What the... .? projecting?

I can't believe this... .I'm at his house now... .trying not to laugh!

He insists I take them. No problem... .That's what I tried to do before. I'm relieved since this time it was HIS idea. If he later paints them white I'll just invite him over to visit and hope that will be the end of this... .Good grief! Thanks for all the tips!

[an0ught]

Well that didn't go as expected... .He painted the fish black! Well one in particular - he called it "neurotic" and "rude" to the others. What the... .? projecting?

He is obviously abandoning the fish before the fish walk out on him 

[Grey Kitty]

I can't believe this... .I'm at his house now... .trying not to laugh!

Good thing I'm not in his house. I am not even trying not to laugh!

[formflier]