BPDs galore Help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPDw is a classic one with her verbal abuse and contradictory ways galore. She puts me down in subtle ways, but they are definitely degrading. I have defended myself, but she makes up excuses, that her life before me and with me at the beginning of our marriage had been rough. Thus, she continues with the BPD behavior. So, I either ignore her verbal abuse or walk out.

Today, I got a 2nd email from a relative due to me not wanting to side with him about his immediate family, although he is blatantly wrong, devious, and deceitful. He has called me "trash", "garbage", and a "wimp". Yes, he too is a BPD who has created all kinds of problems. I can empathize with him, due to the fact that he lost his parents, his wife, and his stepson within the last 5 years. Yes, he is grieving and acting out, but he refuses to go into counseling due to him believing everybody else has a problem. Now, he is lashing out at me while he is far away (thank goodness!) instead of talking with his immediate family in the same city! I have suggested that the both of them talk with one another and to compromise. I have suggested that they seek counseling together to resolve their differences. Yet, they, bottom line, have not done so. So, some other relatives and I are in the middle of this mess.

Up to this time and this 2nd email, I have read them and deleted them. I am going to block his emails from now on, because I have enough stress as it is.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw is a classic one with her verbal abuse and contradictory ways galore. She puts me down in subtle ways, but they are definitely degrading. I have defended myself, but she makes up excuses, that her life before me and with me at the beginning of our marriage had been rough. Thus, she continues with the BPD behavior. So, I either ignore her verbal abuse or walk out.

Today, I got a 2nd email from a relative due to me not wanting to side with him about his immediate family, although he is blatantly wrong, devious, and deceitful. He has called me "trash", "garbage", and a "wimp". Yes, he too is a BPD who has created all kinds of problems. I can empathize with him, due to the fact that he lost his parents, his wife, and his stepson within the last 5 years. Yes, he is grieving and acting out, but he refuses to go into counseling due to him believing everybody else has a problem. Now, he is lashing out at me while he is far away (thank goodness!) instead of talking with his immediate family in the same city! I have suggested that the both of them talk with one another and to compromise. I have suggested that they seek counseling together to resolve their differences. Yet, they, bottom line, have not done so. So, some other relatives and I are in the middle of this mess.

Up to this time and this 2nd email, I have read them and deleted them. I am going to block his emails from now on, because I have enough stress as it is.

[Samuel S.]

Thinking about how my BPDw and how my BPD cousin have treated me, I am really down on myself. I went through the motions of doing some errands today and even took in a movie; however, they are just distractions to how i have been verbally abused and degraded. Frankly, those 2 people make me want to escape from them both. I do have other relatives and friends who are loving, supportive, and understanding how I am not at fault. I feel like the elephant on top of the tree wanting the stork to return, but destined to stay there through thick and thin. Yeah, I am really down on myself.

[Mike-X]

My BPDw is a classic one with her verbal abuse and contradictory ways galore. She puts me down in subtle ways, but they are definitely degrading. I have defended myself, but she makes up excuses, that her life before me and with me at the beginning of our marriage had been rough. Thus, she continues with the BPD behavior. So, I either ignore her verbal abuse or walk out.

Today, I got a 2nd email from a relative due to me not wanting to side with him about his immediate family, although he is blatantly wrong, devious, and deceitful. He has called me "trash", "garbage", and a "wimp". Yes, he too is a BPD who has created all kinds of problems. I can empathize with him, due to the fact that he lost his parents, his wife, and his stepson within the last 5 years. Yes, he is grieving and acting out, but he refuses to go into counseling due to him believing everybody else has a problem. Now, he is lashing out at me while he is far away (thank goodness!) instead of talking with his immediate family in the same city! I have suggested that the both of them talk with one another and to compromise. I have suggested that they seek counseling together to resolve their differences. Yet, they, bottom line, have not done so. So, some other relatives and I are in the middle of this mess.

Up to this time and this 2nd email, I have read them and deleted them. I am going to block his emails from now on, because I have enough stress as it is.

Did she ever blame you for being too sensitive? That was my ex-wife when I would call her out on her passive-aggressive cheap shots.

[Samuel S.]

Good for you that you would call her out on her passive-aggressive cheap shots! It shows how you did not take any of her S***.

My BPDw sometimes would commend me for being a sensitive, in-tuned type of guy, because I am sensitive, but not overly sensitive like she is. Also, I focus on what is being said in order to validate what she is going through. Nowadays, however, I won't share how I really feel, because she will only invalidate what I feel and will then change the whole conversation to "her poor me" life then and now.

[Mike-X]

Good for you that you would call her out on her passive-aggressive cheap shots! It shows how you did not take any of her S***.

My BPDw sometimes would commend me for being a sensitive, in-tuned type of guy, because I am sensitive, but not overly sensitive like she is. Also, I focus on what is being said in order to validate what she is going through. Nowadays, however, I won't share how I really feel, because she will only invalidate what I feel and will then change the whole conversation to "her poor me" life then and now.

Have you talked with her about your validation "wants" in a relationship (i ask knowing how difficult that conversation might be and whatcit might lead to)? Also have you read anything on self-validation?

[Samuel S.]

Mike-x, I have tried numerous times to share with her that we both need to express what our wants are, that this is not a one sided marriage. Yet, while she mildly agrees, she insists on continuing to do her "poor me" routine, how she has been fearful all her life, how her mother was physically and verbally abusive, how she lost her daughter, etc. Yes, those are terrible things that nobody should ever experience. Now that she is an adult and feels more empowered to do whatever she pleases and to say whatever she pleases, she has been verbally abusive to me and neglects our relationship, except for a walk around the lake which is about a 45 minute walk, but that is only once maybe every week, if I am lucky, because she is too busy with her schoolwork and her work. So, she is really behaving like her mother when she was younger. She realizes that she goes from one extreme to another, but never even slightly admits that she has been abusive and neglectful. If I were to bring that up to her, she would definitely getting extremely angry.

I haven't read anything on self-validation, but I most certainly will. Thank you for the idea!

As for things that I do that are validating, there are many things that I do that make others and me feel good, like teaching, tutoring, writing and publishing books, going to movies, and visiting friends and relatives. Yet, I never allow any of those things interfere with a marriage that I am in, that is supposed to be meaningful; however, it really is not.

[Mike-X]

Mike-x, I have tried numerous times to share with her that we both need to express what our wants are, that this is not a one sided marriage. Yet, while she mildly agrees, she insists on continuing to do her "poor me" routine, how she has been fearful all her life, how her mother was physically and verbally abusive, how she lost her daughter, etc. Yes, those are terrible things that nobody should ever experience. Now that she is an adult and feels more empowered to do whatever she pleases and to say whatever she pleases, she has been verbally abusive to me and neglects our relationship, except for a walk around the lake which is about a 45 minute walk, but that is only once maybe every week, if I am lucky, because she is too busy with her schoolwork and her work. So, she is really behaving like her mother when she was younger. She realizes that she goes from one extreme to another, but never even slightly admits that she has been abusive and neglectful. If I were to bring that up to her, she would definitely getting extremely angry.

I haven't read anything on self-validation, but I most certainly will. Thank you for the idea!

As for things that I do that are validating, there are many things that I do that make others and me feel good, like teaching, tutoring, writing and publishing books, going to movies, and visiting friends and relatives. Yet, I never allow any of those things interfere with a marriage that I am in, that is supposed to be meaningful; however, it really is not.

I asked about bringing up your validation needs, because I did with both my ex-wife and udxGF. Both said that they couldn't provide even the slightest, mildest forms of validation if they disagreed with me, not even an "I am sorry that you are upset." I still shake my head, dumbfounded by the explicit refusal.

[Samuel S.]

Yes, it is an extremely dumbfounding experience dealing with a BPD! It's like the world has to revolve around them. Yes, they are very selfish. Yes, it has to be their way or no way. Yet, if you want something (whether it is validation or whatever else that is reasonable), they will make every excuse in the world for you not to have it or to do it. If it is like with my BPDw, she has gone from having very little before you to having the opportunity to be more equal. Then, they pull from underneath your feet, only to literally put you down, the very same things that they experienced. Yes, the abused becomes the abuser.

I for one was verbally and emotionally abused when I was younger in very indirect ways. The results have been for me is that I am sensitive, caring, and helping, and it has helped me in the teaching profession tremendously. I would never, ever abuse, hurt, degrade anyone, because everyone is deserving of respect always! Yet, my BPDw has taken advantage of how I am, because she is so hurt and so angry.

[Samuel S.]

Yesterday, my BPDw made comments that were degrading, and today, I worked out, came back to get ready, had lunch, and went to see a movie. Meantime, she studied practically the whole day, except for when I returned. Then, she suggested we go for a walk. She wanted to do some running with a knee support. I said that she should be careful not to overdo it. Then, she said that I am awesome, embraced me, and kissed me. Yeah, it's a mixed bag, and to decipher her or any BPD is impossible.

While I can go with the flow of her moods, I really cannot trust her, because she goes from one extreme to another. Besides, she just wants to talk about herself, etc., practically non-stop. It is only when I say something, that she will say "that's nice" and not really listen, anyway. She says this as she turns away.

Sorry that I am venting, but she and I obviously have differences of what a marriage looks like. It is important to be her own person along with recognizing that we are couple not just simply for her convenience to talk, and that's all - no intimacy, only a kiss, no dating. BTW, she has "no time", because she is "so busy" with her studies, etc.

If the tables were turned, she would complain up a storm!

[Mike-X]

Yesterday, my BPDw made comments that were degrading, and today, I worked out, came back to get ready, had lunch, and went to see a movie. Meantime, she studied practically the whole day, except for when I returned. Then, she suggested we go for a walk. She wanted to do some running with a knee support. I said that she should be careful not to overdo it. Then, she said that I am awesome, embraced me, and kissed me. Yeah, it's a mixed bag, and to decipher her or any BPD is impossible.

While I can go with the flow of her moods, I really cannot trust her, because she goes from one extreme to another. Besides, she just wants to talk about herself, etc., practically non-stop. It is only when I say something, that she will say "that's nice" and not really listen, anyway. She says this as she turns away.

Sorry that I am venting, but she and I obviously have differences of what a marriage looks like. It is important to be her own person along with recognizing that we are couple not just simply for her convenience to talk, and that's all - no intimacy, only a kiss, no dating. BTW, she has "no time", because she is "so busy" with her studies, etc.

If the tables were turned, she would complain up a storm!

The trust issue was huge for me. I shared so much throughout the relationship, and then so many things were later twisted to devalue me and the relationship. So toward the end, I felt that I had to be very careful about sharing, so then significant aspects of the intimacy in the relationship were lost.

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, Mike-X, I am at the same point as you had been about what I care to share with my BPDw now. I simply cannot trust her completely. I sincerely do hope things are getting better for you!

Here's the latest on my BPDw and my BPD cousin. My BPDw is all happy during her own thing, being busy. Granted, she does prepare some meals for me before she goes away to do her studies for 3 days at a time. Granted, she suggests that we walk around the neighborhood maybe if we are lucky once a week. Yet, the intimacy is totally void, because she just wants to talk about how her studies are going or complain about this and that. I am like a counselor just validating what she says. When I do say something about my own happiness which is again very rare due to her negative put downs, she comes back with a "that's nice" or again putting it down.

As for my BPD cousin, he now is trying to reconcile with his sister, my other cousin, by sending her text. I have talked with her to validate what she is feeling, a lot of confusion, seeing that he had been sending me all kinds of negative one liners like I should rot, etc., because I don't want to be around his toxic behavior and lies.

So, a combo of my BPDw and my BPD cousin have really drained me. The only things that have filled me up but only temporarily are being with friends, family, teaching, and tutoring. Still, when I am not around them, the weight of these 2 individuals can be really overpowering and frankly depressing.

[Mike-X]

Have you considered going no contact with the cousin?

[Mike-X]

I for one was verbally and emotionally abused when I was younger in very indirect ways. The results have been for me is that I am sensitive, caring, and helping, and it has helped me in the teaching profession tremendously. I would never, ever abuse, hurt, degrade anyone, because everyone is deserving of respect always! Yet, my BPDw has taken advantage of how I am, because she is so hurt and so angry.

I definitely appreciate and respect your coming away from the abuse as more sensitive, caring, and compassionate. However, have you done anything to explore and heal the self-esteem and self-compassion wounds that might have been inflicted by  this? I am working on my own self-esteem and self-compassion issues because I feel that will be better at depersonalizing various forms of passive-aggressive jabs and verbal abuse (with the hope of being immune to it, walking away and leaving it properly placed as an issue with the attacker and nothing to do with me; haha I often dwell on things after such encounters), better able to handle even valid criticisms, and better able to stay mindful and centered when working with others.

[Samuel S.]

My BPD cousin has now taken a very minor step to reconcile with his sister by texting her that he misses their talks after a year's worth of noncommunication. Having read his text, he sounds respectful; however, seeing that she has gotten the brunt end of his anger and me to a certain extent with his negative, uncalled emails only within the last two weeks, she is naturally very skeptical. She has responded by texting him, saying that she needs time to ponder what he is asking for. I have talked with her several times so that she could feel what she has been feeling and to be validated. I did suggest that I unblock him from calls and texts. If he were to contact me respectfully, maybe, he is being authentic. If not, well, she would know how he can be very BPD. She consented with this idea, only if I don't take on his negativity, if he goes there. I said yes. So, time will tell what is going to happen between the two of them. I still will not initiate or be involved in a talk or text with him, because the two of them need to work things out. Then, if that happens and if he initiates to apologize to me, I will see how I feel then.

As for working on self-estten and self-compassion, I have been so driven all my life to be other oriented. So, anything that you can suggest, I would greatly appreciate. Thank you!

[Mike-X]

Are you seeing a therapist?

[Samuel S.]

Yes, I have seen a therapist, although she is at a loss in regards to my BPDw who puts much more emphasis on her studies and work instead of making some sort of compromise to keep our marriage in tact. While she is happy to the max to follow her dreams, it is like she is abandoning our marriage. In fact, she has admitted to going from one extreme (focusing on both her professional and our personal life) to almost exclusively focusing on her professional life. So, while I support her wanting to follow this dream of hers, she's like almost obsessive, the very thing her first husband did for which she complained about. When I brought that to her attention, she said she now understands him. For all of these reasons, I am keeping myself occupied as much as possible to kind of erase the void I feel.

[Mike-X]

Yes, I have seen a therapist, although she is at a loss in regards to my BPDw who puts much more emphasis on her studies and work instead of making some sort of compromise to keep our marriage in tact. While she is happy to the max to follow her dreams, it is like she is abandoning our marriage. In fact, she has admitted to going from one extreme (focusing on both her professional and our personal life) to almost exclusively focusing on her professional life. So, while I support her wanting to follow this dream of hers, she's like almost obsessive, the very thing her first husband did for which she complained about. When I brought that to her attention, she said she now understands him. For all of these reasons, I am keeping myself occupied as much as possible to kind of erase the void I feel.

I see. Are you seeing a personal therapist? I am asking about possibilities for dealing with your past trauma?

[Samuel S.]

Right now, I am not, because I am teaching and tutoring practically every day. It won't ease up until the end of May when school is over. Meantime, while my BPDw is in her obsessive joy, Mike-X, you are right on. I am dealing with the past trauma, PTSD. She pretends by focusing presently. She may be trying to put a bandaid on past wounds, but I am hurting underneath. The only thing that is keeping me sane right about now is the teaching and the tutoring. I feel totally comfortable and happy then and have helped a lot of people. But, dealing with the past trauma during the times that I don't teach and tutor are really getting me down big time.

[Mike-X]

Right now, I am not, because I am teaching and tutoring practically every day. It won't ease up until the end of May when school is over. Meantime, while my BPDw is in her obsessive joy, Mike-X, you are right on. I am dealing with the past trauma, PTSD. She pretends by focusing presently. She may be trying to put a bandaid on past wounds, but I am hurting underneath. The only thing that is keeping me sane right about now is the teaching and the tutoring. I feel totally comfortable and happy then and have helped a lot of people. But, dealing with the past trauma during the times that I don't teach and tutor are really getting me down big time.

It is great that you are getting the rewards of teaching. Exposure therapies, like Cognitive Processing Therapy, have been shown to be effective for PTSD. There are books, workbooks, and things on the internet, but I don't think that any of them can compete with a good therapist. I have seen where therapists are using Skype to work with people who have busy schedules.


I am trying to fit Yoga into my schedule, but I haven't done it yet. However, I did jog about a mile today, 2nd time since the breakup.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw continues doing her attending college, studying, and working. While this can be seen as fulfilling one's dreams, people around her and also many people who do not see her because she is too busy wonder how she is able to do all of this. She travels practically every day. Sometimes on a Sunday like today, she will not be travelling. So, her mindset is on her finals. So, studying and a little bit of sleeping are the only things she has planned for the day today.

She also let it be known that she is going to take up singing. When she is going to be able to do this with her busy schedule already, your guess is as good as mine.

What is lost in all of the above is our marriage. Granted, she does cook dinners in advance. So, I appreciate that. I do a lot of things around the house, such as laundry and paying bills and going shopping. Nevertheless, it seems as though she is so focused on her things, that there is little time for us.

While she is studying a lot today and maybe a little additional sleeping, I have made arrangements to get together with friends out of town. While I am looking forward to this get-together, very lost is our marriage.

She has gone from being very verbally abusive to very neglectful in terms of our relationship to have good times together. She told me some time ago that when her studies are over, that she would consider maybe having more quality time together. The way she is going, it seems rather unlikely.

I have been told to get therapy, and I have done so. Yet, the reality of my situation is that she is so determined, so obsessed with all of her things, that there really is no time for a marriage where she and I can have quality time together, like dates, like vacations, like going to parties, like even intimacy.

Thanks for letting me vent! So, today, I am off and away to escape from her and from here, because she obviously has no time for our marriage.