On day 28, she broke N/C

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today marks Day 28 of No Contact initiated by me after our first break up. It was an 8 month emotional relationship, a very intense friendship that frequently appeared destined to turn sexual, but never did for several reasons, but primarily because we live in different countries. Near the end of the relationship, all the crazy stuff was finally revealed to me by working with a T to be strong traits of BPD in my partner and codependency.

After 4 weeks of having broken it off, she sent me an email this morning asking me what she did wrong, why guys always leave her, what's wrong with her, and if I could please just analyze her and give her some feedback as to why her relationships always fail. She said she knows that she must be the problem.

I have been expecting this message ever since I ended it with her. In fact, this is what she wrote me one or two days after the break-up, but I didn't answer her then because I thought it was the classic manipulative move to pull me back in. Now that I have some distance, I feel like I could answer her questions but maintain boundaries. Am I deluding myself?  Remember, she lives 2000 miles away from me in another country. I can't visit her, she can't see me in person. There's no risk of that. I have deleted all my social media accounts. The only access she has to me is email. No text messaging, no phone calls, just email.  Sounds manageable, no?

[Dunder]

Today marks Day 28 of No Contact initiated by me after our first break up. It was an 8 month emotional relationship, a very intense friendship that frequently appeared destined to turn sexual, but never did for several reasons, but primarily because we live in different countries. Near the end of the relationship, all the crazy stuff was finally revealed to me by working with a T to be strong traits of BPD in my partner and codependency.

After 4 weeks of having broken it off, she sent me an email this morning asking me what she did wrong, why guys always leave her, what's wrong with her, and if I could please just analyze her and give her some feedback as to why her relationships always fail. She said she knows that she must be the problem.

I have been expecting this message ever since I ended it with her. In fact, this is what she wrote me one or two days after the break-up, but I didn't answer her then because I thought it was the classic manipulative move to pull me back in. Now that I have some distance, I feel like I could answer her questions but maintain boundaries. Am I deluding myself?  Remember, she lives 2000 miles away from me in another country. I can't visit her, she can't see me in person. There's no risk of that. I have deleted all my social media accounts. The only access she has to me is email. No text messaging, no phone calls, just email.  Sounds manageable, no?

[Skip]

Remember, she lives 2000 miles away from me in another country. I can't visit her, she can't see me in person. There's no risk of that. I have deleted all my social media accounts. The only access she has to me is email. No text messaging, no phone calls, just email.  Sounds manageable, no?

Does she have ebola virus?   

She has only sent you one, rational and self-aware email in 30 days - she doesn't sound like she is acting inappropriately at all.

I think the bigger question is, are you in the head space to be able to answer her question without projecting some of your emotional distress into it or crushing her with  a "you're a broken" human message.

What answer do you think she is looking for?

What message do you want to give her?

[Dunder]

Remember, she lives 2000 miles away from me in another country. I can't visit her, she can't see me in person. There's no risk of that. I have deleted all my social media accounts. The only access she has to me is email. No text messaging, no phone calls, just email.  Sounds manageable, no?

Does she have ebola virus?  

She has only sent you one, rational and self-aware email in 30 days - she doesn't sound like she is acting inappropriately at all.

I think the bigger question is, are you in the head space to be able to answer her question without projecting some of your emotional distress into it or crushing her with  a "you're a broken" human message.

What answer do you think she is looking for?

What message do you want to give her?

Skip, I don't think the answers matter to her. I think just posing the questions are a way of trying to draw me back into the relationship. Her message was not as rational and self-aware as you think. Yes, she stated that she saw herself as "the problem" and that she drives men away, but is it all that rational to ask your most recent ex-partner to sort out the reasons for all of her past failed relationships?

I can only think of what I do not want to say in a response to her. I do not want to read her the DSM IV regarding BPD. I do not want to tell her how difficult it has been to detach from her. I do not want to tell her how fearful I am of recycling with her. I do not want to blame her for the failure of our relationship because I see how I contributed to the codependency and if I had stood up more for reasonable boundaries and appropriate interactions, maybe we could have maintained a friendship, which is all I ever wanted, and maybe all she ever wanted. I also do not want to answer her questions regarding "what is wrong with her." Only a therapist can help her answer the questions she is asking me now. I want to send her a positive and healthy message.

Maybe this is wishful thinking, but I'd like to retain a friendship with her. We went from texting each other 80 times a day to No Contact overnight. I'm hoping there could be perhaps a happy medium in which the two of us could know each other and be a part of each others' life, but as friends, as two human beings who enrich the other in some perhaps small but meaningful way.

[Skip]

I don't know that I think it is highly self-aware, but it is self aware.  Likely she wants some assurances that she is not a bad person... .or "I like you just the way you are".  She's not looking for a personal inventory or scrub down.

You want to step away from NC and CC contact to reduce the tension and slowly dissolve the relationship.

Well, I think you are reading it well.

How will she likely feel about opening the door on contact?

[Dunder]

I don't know that I think it is highly self-aware, but it is self aware.  Likely she wants some assurances that she is not a bad person... .or "I like you just the way you are".  She's not looking for a personal inventory or scrub down.

You want to step away from NC and CC contact to reduce the tension and slowly dissolve the relationship.

Well, I think you are reading it well.

How will she likely feel about opening the door on contact?

I think she'll feel relieved. Maintaining n/c seems gratuitous, almost punitive, in light of her message. I left her and stayed away to give myself a chance to heal and start detaching. Keeping up no contact in the face of this message turns no contact into an endurance test, not a tool for healing. Knowing what I know now about codependent relationships, I feel better prepared to protect myself as I continue to "dissolve the relationship" as you so well put it.

[Dunder]

I don't know that I think it is highly self-aware, but it is self aware.  Likely she wants some assurances that she is not a bad person... .or "I like you just the way you are".  She's not looking for a personal inventory or scrub down.

You want to step away from NC and CC contact to reduce the tension and slowly dissolve the relationship.

Well, I think you are reading it well.

How will she likely feel about opening the door on contact?

So last night I responded to her plea for me to render my opinion as to why guys always leave her and why her relationships always follow the same pattern. Embedded in that message was also a renewed request for me to explain why I left the relationship.

I told her that I was not the appropriate person to judge the reasons for why past relationships of hers hadn't worked out. I just wasn't going to go there. I had my doubts as to whether these were sincere questions anyway or if they were just a way for her to make me feel sorry for her and get me to respond to her. I told her that only she working with a therapist could find those answers. But I did explain gently why I ended the relationship, but I didn't blame her, I blamed the relationship, I attributed my unhappiness to the circumstances of the relationship, not to her the person. Though I don't think this was completely honest on my part, my goal is to detach from her, not fix her, which I can't do anyway.

I ended the message with reassurances that she did not do anything wrong in the end, that she's a good person and that she has nothing to apologize for. It was not a very long message, but it wasn't too brief either. I tried to strike a balance between being firm about not answering her questions about her past relationship problems but kind about why I had to leave.

I've noticed however a big shift in my own psyche now that I sent her that message and she hasn't responded which is troubling me. When I was maintaining n/c, I felt like I was in strictly detach mode, which while painful, felt like I was doing the right thing and that I was slowly making progress. After sending her this message, I am now anticipating her response and hoping that she reacts in a positive way. After she broke n/c, I felt like I was in a no win situation, that I owed her an explanation but now that I've responded, the dynamic has changed in me and I'm now reengaged in the relationship, hopeful that she will answer my message with a positive response. In other words, I want validation for having answered her in what I believe was the kindest and most appropriate way given the circumstances. She's never shown much capacity to validate any of my feelings so I feel stupid for hoping she'll do so this time.

[living in the past]

Hi ,When you care about someone be it 2,000 mile away or 25 miles away in my situation,and that person has a serious mental illness,and we get to attached,its not an easy thing to deal with,detachment is neither kind or unkind,you handled the e-mail good,now i would try to let it go,i tell myself lately that i have more important things to worry about than someone elses personality disorder,i learned here there is no closure in these relationships,you used the word validate,i think in there life with an illness like this they have such a hard time dealing with life,so the recognition is not going to come from them,it has to come from yourself,to me you sound like a sincere and good person,its good you are posting here we all seem to help each other.

[Dunder]

After 28 days, my ex broke No Contact with an email and I responded 12 hours later with a kind but sober message. It felt inevitable that we'd check in with each other to say a few more final words as the relationship fades into the oblivion of memory. That was yesterday, and she hasn't responded to my response since then, so all's quite for now. I feel very sure that I won't initiate contact, but I expect she will as I expect that tomorrow the sun will rise in the east and set in the west. I am wondering how to handle the next contact, because her email yesterday really destabilized me for the past 36 hours. It halted the detachment process for the time being and maybe set it back a few days. If I knew I'd only hear from her every 28 days, I think my healing would outpace her contacting me, but I have a feeling she'll be gradually contacting me with greater frequency.  I really don't want to block her incoming emails. Any advice?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey Dunder,  this seems crummy but I think it is true:  the extreme reality of BPD necessitates extreme choices... .choosing btwn her well being and yours.   This has been a hard thing for me to wrap my heart and mind around b/c I am amicable with ALL of my ex's.   But that is not a viable option with my UexBPDbf.   It is me and my well-being or his.   There wasn't room for both of us in the r/s and there isn't room for both of us in the b/u.   I wanted it to be different.   But it isn't.