Realizations

[dobie]

Therapy and thinking has lead me to this... .

She never loved me not in a mature full way , her love was the love of a child infatuated and idealized it was always about her needs never really about me or us (though in the early years she was giving and supportive) the needy loving sweet child if you will but  once the infatuation waned the other side the selfish , angry , resentful child came to the fore .

I never allowed myself to love her in a full way because I have a fear of intimacy I needed her to worship me while I always kept her at a distance . this is something I learned in therapy and its painful but I've never loved or been loved in a full way because I fear it and I pick partners who can't fully love either .

I liked being wanted and needed and "special" I like being needed because it makes me feel safe

I needed her to fill the things in me that I lack she was in many ways a narcissistic ego extension for me .

I needed her to look after me in ways I've not done and should do for myself because part of me is still an angry hurt child looking for its mothers unconditional love that very much wants to stay alive and not grow up.

She is broken and so am I just in different ways

We used each other I'm just as much a user as her

I could never give fully of myself to her but expected her to (hypocrite)

I was trying to make a square peg fit a round hole from day one (i. e us) because I am a coward and a settler she fulfilled me in many ways but in many others she did not . I short changed myself because I have low self worth and am not whole

I very much wish I had learnt and processed all this while in the r/s as I would like to have seen if I could have fully engaged with her in a total genuine honest  way I think I was starting to before she pulled the plug

I loved her because she mirrored me I loved what she saw about me reflected back

I miss her because I miss how she made me feel because she gave me self worth when it needs to come from within


A full loving reciprocal giving sustainable r/s with her is almost impossible until she matures I hope for her sake she does not have BPD and she can . she will cheat and leave if she is not getting what she wants and needs that's a horrible thing for a partner to have to live with when they realise what she is and that her needs and her will always come first in the end

As much as this hurts and I still love and miss her its better now than if we had kids .

This r/s has taught me more about myself than any other

[dobie]

All her bad qualities are her as much as her good ones , I can't fool myself or believe this is all an abberation she has shown me exactly who and what she is its painful to look at and accept and I keep shying away from it but I need to look at her fully and see her truly I can't keep making excuses or romantisizing aspects of her I need to force myself to stare her down and accept I was never loved she is who she is .

Her words are not her actions

[Blimblam]

Doobie you are whole an complete right now.

It's not there is nomthing missing.  What feel like a void is just parts of you held in the image of your dream girl. Feeling in control of that image is a way to avoid the pain held in the unconcious (your shadow).  It's all you its all there now.

[Reforming]

Hi Dobie,

Some really strong insights

"I never allowed myself to love her in a full way because I have a fear of intimacy I needed her to worship me while I always kept her at a distance . this is something I learned in therapy and its painful but I've never loved or been loved in a full way because I fear it and I pick partners who can't fully love either ."

I never allowed myself to love her in a full way because I have a fear of intimacy I needed her to worship me while I always kept her at a distance . this is something I learned in therapy and its painful but I've never loved or been loved in a full way because I fear it and I pick partners who can't fully love either."


I can relate to this. I don't think disordered people are the only ones who struggle with real intimacy. It's hard when you don't really love yourself. I'm sorry that you feel you've never really been loved in the way that you need. . But it's a realisation that can open a lot of doors

"I liked being wanted and needed and "special" I like being needed because it makes me feel safe

I needed her to fill the things in me that I lack"

This resonates with me too. Rescuing my ex made me feel stronger, and it was a less uncomfortable than than trying to fix myself.

"I needed her to look after me in ways I've not done and should do for myself because part of me is still an angry hurt child looking for its mothers unconditional love that very much wants to stay alive and not grow up.

Recognise this in myself too. A big part of the reason I was drawn to rescuing my ex was because I wanted to be rescued myself. Being responsible for ourselves is hard and it's even harder if you've never had the chance to learn how

"She is broken and so am I just in different ways"

I think broken is hard word and it's important to temper self awareness with compassion, but it takes courage to acknowledge this. I struggled to do this throughout my relationship. At times I still struggle, but accepting it is allowing me to work on my own healing and move forward. Who wants to be stuck in a cycle of blame and anger?

We did the best we could with the skills and awareness that we have. Now there's a chance for self discovery, growth and real happiness

"I very much wish I had learnt and processed all this while in the r/s as I would like to have seen if I could have fully engaged with her in a total genuine honest  way I think I was starting to before she pulled the plug"

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but both partners need to learn and heal to make a success of these loaded relationships.  Even if you had been more aware there are no guarantees that she would have been willing to do the work as well. Many don't. The important thing is that you're doing it now - she may may never find the strength to do that.

"This r/s has taught me more about myself than any other"

I think this is a really healthy conclusion. You're doing some great work  

Well done and thanks for sharing  

Reforming

[dobie]

Doobie you are whole an complete right now.

It's not there is nomthing missing.  What feel like a void is just parts of you held in the image of your dream girl. Feeling in control of that image is a way to avoid the pain held in the unconcious (your shadow).  It's all you its all there now.

Blim how do I integrate my shadow then , so I can reclaim those missing parts of me I projected onto others

[dobie]

Hi Dobie,

Some really strong insights

"I never allowed myself to love her in a full way because I have a fear of intimacy I needed her to worship me while I always kept her at a distance . this is something I learned in therapy and its painful but I've never loved or been loved in a full way because I fear it and I pick partners who can't fully love either ."

I never allowed myself to love her in a full way because I have a fear of intimacy I needed her to worship me while I always kept her at a distance . this is something I learned in therapy and its painful but I've never loved or been loved in a full way because I fear it and I pick partners who can't fully love either."


I can relate to this. I don't think disordered people are the only ones who struggle with real intimacy. It's hard when you don't really love yourself. I'm sorry that you feel you've never really been loved in the way that you need. . But it's a realisation that can open a lot of doors

"I liked being wanted and needed and "special" I like being needed because it makes me feel safe

I needed her to fill the things in me that I lack"

This resonates with me too. Rescuing my ex made me feel stronger, and it was a less uncomfortable than than trying to fix myself.

"I needed her to look after me in ways I've not done and should do for myself because part of me is still an angry hurt child looking for its mothers unconditional love that very much wants to stay alive and not grow up.

Recognise this in myself too. A big part of the reason I was drawn to rescuing my ex was because I wanted to be rescued myself. Being responsible for ourselves is hard and it's even harder if you've never had the chance to learn how

"She is broken and so am I just in different ways"

I think broken is hard word and it's important to temper self awareness with compassion, but it takes courage to acknowledge this. I struggled to do this throughout my relationship. At times I still struggle, but accepting it is allowing me to work on my own healing and move forward. Who wants to be stuck in a cycle of blame and anger?

We did the best we could with the skills and awareness that we have. Now there's a chance for self discovery, growth and real happiness

"I very much wish I had learnt and processed all this while in the r/s as I would like to have seen if I could have fully engaged with her in a total genuine honest  way I think I was starting to before she pulled the plug"

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but both partners need to learn and heal to make a success of these loaded relationships.  Even if you had been more aware there are no guarantees that she would have been willing to do the work as well. Many don't. The important thing is that you're doing it now - she may may never find the strength to do that.

"This r/s has taught me more about myself than any other"

I think this is a really healthy conclusion. You're doing some great work  

Well done and thanks for sharing  

Reforming

Well done to you too reforming and thanks for sharing as well!  

[dagwoodbowser]

I liked being wanted and needed and "special" I like being needed because it makes me feel safe

I needed her to fill the things in me that I lack she was in many ways a narcissistic ego extension for me .

I needed her to look after me in ways I've not done and should do for myself because part of me is still an angry hurt child looking for its mothers unconditional love that very much wants to stay alive and not grow up.

She is broken and so am I just in different ways

We used each other I'm just as much a user as her

I could never give fully of myself to her but expected her to (hypocrite)

I was trying to make a square peg fit a round hole from day one (i. e us) because I am a coward and a settler she fulfilled me in many ways but in many others she did not . I short changed myself because I have low self worth and am not whole

I very much wish I had learnt and processed all this while in the r/s as I would like to have seen if I could have fully engaged with her in a total genuine honest  way I think I was starting to before she pulled the plug

I loved her because she mirrored me I loved what she saw about me reflected back

I miss her because I miss how she made me feel because she gave me self worth when it needs to come from within


A full loving reciprocal giving sustainable r/s with her is almost impossible until she matures I hope for her sake she does not have BPD and she can . she will cheat and leave if she is not getting what she wants and needs that's a horrible thing for a partner to have to live with when they realise what she is and that her needs and her will always come first in the end

dobie... .all of this Beautiful man! I realized after my 1st B/U that I was Co-Dependent so it's like your thinking my thoughts.

I very much wish I had learnt and processed all this while in the r/s as I would like to have seen if I could have fully engaged with her in a total genuine honest way I think I was starting to before she pulled the plug

This one is a Tough One. Could'a Would'a Should'a. This may be something you will always wrangle with. I had just started to learn about my co-dependence after b/u and when she reached out after about 3 Months I was all well too eager to get a Second Chance. 6 months later, I got discarded. Saddest part I even had another 2 Chances after that! Multiple recycles. I never really had the chance to work on myself as I am now as I approach 50 days N/C. Would things have been different if I would have done a better job at healing myself? Just how long would that have really taken? Would my new perceived sense of self have been able to overcome her entrenched issues?

[dobie]

Dagwood ,

I think bro like other members have said you could be a billionaire Jesus with the Nobel prize the result at the end is ALWAYS the same : The disorder wins  

They can't get past infatuation they can't love in a healthy and real way , she would always be looking at new supply or options , you would always be on tender hooks. For me I'd love to think my x will come back admit she screwed up and we try again but the masks off her nature is to use people.  her and only her are and will always be her primary concern so how can anyone have a loving & lasting fulfilling r/s with a partner who is ultimately  so selfish .

Mine hid her selfishness for years or rather suppressed its full bloom but she told me early on months in and I ignored it

" I was only with my x because he was safe , I wanted a nice guy "

" I should have left him years ago " (didn't because she wanted to finish her degree)

" I stopped finding him attractive after two weeks " (stayed with him for three years)

This is who they are bro

[leftconfused]

Dobie - Super insightful post!  You are doing great work at recognizing where your own issues lie.  I find this one of the benefits of coming out of these relationships.  It gives us the chance to really work on ourselves so that we can go on to have healthy relationships in the future.  I am doing the same.  I've also recognized that I am co-dependant and likely had a PD mother.  I always knew she was mentally ill but I don't think ever formally diagnosed.  So I was groomed for this relationship and at the end when the devaluation started I felt desperate to get him to love me again.  The way I was desperate to get my mom to love me.  Real work to be done here.  Kudos to you!

"I think bro like other members have said you could be a billionaire Jesus with the Nobel prize the result at the end is ALWAYS the same : The disorder wins  "

That^^  I used to tell my ex... .I could be Mother Theresa and you would still find something wrong with me! 

[dobie]

Dobie - Super insightful post!  You are doing great work at recognizing where your own issues lie.  I find this one of the benefits of coming out of these relationships.  It gives us the chance to really work on ourselves so that we can go on to have healthy relationships in the future.  I am doing the same.  I've also recognized that I am co-dependant and likely had a PD mother.  I always knew she was mentally ill but I don't think ever formally diagnosed.  So I was groomed for this relationship and at the end when the devaluation started I felt desperate to get him to love me again.  The way I was desperate to get my mom to love me.  Real work to be done here.  Kudos to you!

"I think bro like other members have said you could be a billionaire Jesus with the Nobel prize the result at the end is ALWAYS the same : The disorder wins  "

That^^  I used to tell my ex... .I could be Mother Theresa and you would still find something wrong with me!  

I think my xBPDfiance core issue is she is unhappy me as the cause only came after I failed to be " the solution " as she used to keep saying again and again "why am I not happy "  she never devalued me hard it was more anger and resentment I became the focus for her sadness criticised accused of only loving her for her money , paranoid thoughts etc my needs minimal as they were for her was a huge "burden"

One small example in the last year I had to almost "beg" for her to something as simple as make me a coffee that's how selfish and self absorbed she is and how resentful she is .

This is a girl with family , friends , great job , loving partner , nice house etc etc and after all that she was still miserable ergo sum I'm the problem in her mind