Facebook or other Social Media

[DyingLove]

Is there anyone else here, that can somewhat blame Fb or any other social media for any part of their bad relationship with their pwBPDex?

For instance, my situation is this: If there was no Fb in my life, I would not have met my ex.  Of course this does not mean that somewhere in my life this type of situation would never have happened. What are we going to do about it?  Shut down fb?  Never meet anyone on fb?  I'm seriously thinking about closing my account, and because it leads to me wanting to snoop and see what my ex is doing.  I'm so tired of all of that stuff.  Maybe I'm getting to the hump where I'm really going to start thinking more of myself.  Of course I revert here and there, but somewhere has to be the point where we see that light!  Not the final light, but the one that shines on our new path.

[Mutt]

Maybe I'm getting to the hump where I'm really going to start thinking more of myself.

I think you're right this situation could of happened many different ways and there was likely more than social media during the courtship? We can't change past events and we can learn lessons to take with us moving forward.

De-activating is a good idea if you think it'll help speed up your recovery with not snooping and setting back your healing. You could also reactivate it again when you're feeling healthier and you might also think differently about social media.

[Dunder]

Dying, Facebook was a major factor not only in slowing my recovery from the break up but during the r/s itself. Facebook fueled a lot of the dysfunction. I deleted my FB page about a week ago along with all of my other social media accounts. I feel like it was ultimately a small price to pay for my emotional well being. During the first couple of weeks of no contact, I couldn't resist the temptation to look at old messages and my Ex's wall postings. It was so poisonous for me to see her photos and read her messages. Now that my Facebook page is gone permanently, I feel much safer emotionally and I really don't miss it at all. My Ex recently broke no contact and it was much easier to deal with her since her only way to contact me is through email. All of my social media accounts are deleted and she is blocked on my phone and FaceTime. She only has one way to contact me and she knows it. My Ex lives in another country so we can't see each other in person, and our relationship never advanced past a very strong emotional one; it was a romantic and very intimate relationship but never got sexual due to the fact that we hardly ever saw each other in person.  But that didn't seem to matter. My experience with her really messed me up more than any break up I've ever had. Facebook and text messaging was our primary form of contact and it was a horrible way for us to sustain a relationship.

[runningup]

FB caused most of the problems with my BPDX, halfway through the relationship, she started sending naked photos to one of her "male" friends and such, got caught out, and I forgave, the psych told her that she had boundary issues with males, as it turned out all the males on her FB list were all guys she had slept with, the psych told her she needed to remove them all if she wanted to do the family thing. She actually did, and behaved for a while... .until she cheated well and truely, and has now added all those males back on now that we arent together and now she is with a new guy, who doesnt know the truth about her, and what shes capable of.

If I could delete me FB account I would, I have blocked her, and she has blocked me. But it still stings. FB busts relationships, period.

[fred6]

I don't know where they met. But I have pictures of their FB and text conversations. Yes I snooped, but my suspicions were validated. Oh well, I'm kind of OK now. Still working on it!

[zundertowz]

FB caused most of the problems with my BPDX, halfway through the relationship, she started sending naked photos to one of her "male" friends and such, got caught out, and I forgave, the psych told her that she had boundary issues with males, as it turned out all the males on her FB list were all guys she had slept with, the psych told her she needed to remove them all if she wanted to do the family thing. She actually did, and behaved for a while... .until she cheated well and truely, and has now added all those males back on now that we arent together and now she is with a new guy, who doesnt know the truth about her, and what shes capable of.

If I could delete me FB account I would, I have blocked her, and she has blocked me. But it still stings. FB busts relationships, period.

Facebook and txting definatly add options to their lists... .but im guessing if it wasnt social media it would be bars, coworkers, friends. there are always options for attractive women.  As far as recovery shes blocked and so am I... .I can see how internet stalking could be a huge problem for both parties tho.

[valet]

My ex never engaged in any defined 'out of relationship' things on Facebook, but she had a one friend in particular that lived very far away that I knew she subconsciously was engaging in an emotional affair with. She saw it as a friendship, I think, but I saw it as something more. I did some snooping (really a terrible move on my part, and I take full responsibility for it) and read her journal and notes on her iPhone, and it revealed to me that she did at one point have serious feelings for him. I also learned that the relationship with me was important, but I could never get passed it.

This lead to an extreme social media paranoia on my part months later. I would constantly check her and his social media to see when they were last active, and I would also look at her twitter for minuscule proclamations of love for him, which she did less frequently over time.

I think that this was her form of finding a replacement. I don't think that she is capable of physically or overtly acting outside of a relationship, and maybe I am deceiving myself about this, but in hindsight I don't think that she would have. I feel that I know her and her core values well enough.

Either way, when we moved to a new country I could see her attaching herself to one of my friends a few weeks before she ended the relationship (he is a few years younger than us, and really nice person). I definitely believe that she at least tried to engage him very shortly after she broke up with me, but it doesn't really bother me too much now.

In the last month before the breakup, I did obsess over both of their twitter accounts. Checking favorites and retweets and all that stupid junk to see if an attachment was forming, which it obviously was. I really hope that he resisted, not for my sake, but for his own.

Time will tell, though, and I already care so little to be bothered by it that by the time that the truth comes out it will be so distant that it will be inconsequential.

My strategy: NC on all social media. The internet is my biggest trigger. I can handle my ex in real life; it doesn't bother me one bit. Social media, on the other hand, is like walking into a minefield.

Also, to be clear: she will not try and engage in a serious relationship right now, not until she feels safe and and at home. That's my belief, at least. I'm expecting a recycle attempt, or something emotionally similar, in October or November. We will be attending the same master's program come late August and there will be an extremely close proximity there. I know what I want now, and it is not her. I do, however, want a friendship, so things may get dicey and I may lose that as well, which will be an entirely different grief process.

Again, only time will tell. I will be prepared to handle myself when I need to.

[Turkish]

FB is a tool, whose usefulness depends upon the intent of the user... .

If someone wants to beat you with a hammer, unless you're zip-tied to a chair and unable to move, walk or run away (block). My Ex beat me with that hammer while we were still living together, so I blocked her.

The sad thing is that I looked to what she posted for validation. Really, social media is a barrier to true intimacy (or oftentimes, truth).

[Bensonshays]

She's hidden from my Facebook wall and I don't look at her profile,  but deleting or blocking her seems vindictive,  especially since I'll see her again at some point, and she'll know that I did it.

Still, it annoys the hell out of me that she uses it to snoop. "That was such a silly post you put up the other day."

Actually go away if you're not interested.

[valet]

She's hidden from my Facebook wall and I don't look at her profile,  but deleting or blocking her seems vindictive,  especially since I'll see her again at some point, and she'll know that I did it.

Still, it annoys the hell out of me that she uses it to snoop. "That was such a silly post you put up the other day."

Actually go away if you're not interested.

I shared this opinion at one point, but I blocked her anyways.

About a week later I sent her an email, telling her that it was just too hard. Nothing more than that; no emotions involved other than those that related to the topic at hand.

She excepted this, at least in the return email she sent me. Every person is different, though.

Do you want the relationship back at this point? Think about that.

Either way, relationship or not, you might be better served by blocking her. I find that in hindsight it really doesn't matter if you do what's best for yourself, to anyone else. In a few years, will blocking her now really affect the grand scheme of your life? This sound cliche, and it is difficult after the end of any relationship, but you truly are the most important person in your own life. If you take care of yourself in a healthy way it shouldn't matter too much how you handle interactions with people. The people that are right for you will find you.

[Bensonshays]

She's hidden from my Facebook wall and I don't look at her profile,  but deleting or blocking her seems vindictive,  especially since I'll see her again at some point, and she'll know that I did it.

Still, it annoys the hell out of me that she uses it to snoop. "That was such a silly post you put up the other day."

Actually go away if you're not interested.

I shared this opinion at one point, but I blocked her anyways.

About a week later I sent her an email, telling her that it was just too hard. Nothing more than that; no emotions involved other than those that related to the topic at hand.

She excepted this, at least in the return email she sent me. Every person is different, though.

Do you want the relationship back at this point? Think about that.

Either way, relationship or not, you might be better served by blocking her. I find that in hindsight it really doesn't matter if you do what's best for yourself, to anyone else. In a few years, will blocking her now really affect the grand scheme of your life? This sound cliche, and it is difficult after the end of any relationship, but you truly are the most important person in your own life. If you take care of yourself in a healthy way it shouldn't matter too much how you handle interactions with people. The people that are right for you will find you.

I do want her back,  but being around her was terrible for my recovery from depression. Nonetheless, I think she would get some satisfaction out of getting blocked.

[Turkish]

I do want her back,  but being around her was terrible for my recovery from depression. Nonetheless, I think she would get some satisfaction out of getting blocked.

This is tough. It sounds like you still may feel responsible for her feelings. Blocking is your boundary. Whatever she feels, she does. You aren't responsible for her feelings.

[Bensonshays]

I do want her back,  but being around her was terrible for my recovery from depression. Nonetheless, I think she would get some satisfaction out of getting blocked.

This is tough. It sounds like you still may feel responsible for her feelings. Blocking is your boundary. Whatever she feels, she does. You aren't responsible for her feelings.

When things ended,  I felt like it was my fault for not understanding what she needed in a partner; maybe I'm not past that mindset yet. She seemed to get a kick out of toying with me after dumping me. I feel like blocking her gives her the same kind of validation. I have maintained NC for almost 3 months,  though.

[Dunder]

 [/quote]
Facebook and txting definatly add options to their lists... .but im guessing if it wasnt social media it would be bars, coworkers, friends. there are always options for attractive women.  [/quote]
That's true Zundertowz, but at least we wouldn't know about it and get pictures and messages thrown in our face on Facebook and Instagram. My healing process has accelerated ever since I deleted all my accounts, not deactivate or block but DELETE. Now that my Ex has tried to recycle, she's very frustrated that her only access point to me is email. She hates it.

[DyingLove]

WOW EVERYONE!

I didn't think I would get any responses from my opening question, but I see that once again, we hit a nerve here.

In the beginning of the B/U, I blocked her, the ex.  She found our and then I unblocked her, and then she blocked me!  Currently I am still blocked by her. So does that mean the jokes on me?  Can someone answer that one for me?

I think deleting versus temporary deactivation would be the better choice.  Temporary, you can always cave in and check in. So who's kidding who,,Right?

For me to delete my account, it would be like yoda telling me that I can walk on water. I'd have to have immense faith and such a firecracker placed in that "place" that would launch me into the land of the unknown. Quite frankly, for lack of a better word, I may be terrified to disconnect.  If we were not B/U, I think I might not want to delete, but I would to eliminate any R/S issues. Maybe I should have done that long long ago.  But life is a continually changing place, so who knows what should have been done as opposed to what was actually done.  It's the past.

Nonetheless I think that some of us couldn't give two hoots about FB, but once the R/S is over and we are alone, has our tune changed?  I really don't feel empowered by fb or the ability to snoop. I feel sneaky and maybe a little dirty, and even if I discovered something, I wanna say that, I really didn't want to know this. Then follows a trigger.  I want her to be miserable too of course, but I'm not doing things just for the sake that she may find out something and become miserable from it.  I'm guessing some of that is true for her too. The part where she isn't doing it to upset me.  Or is she?  There goes the thoughts about it.

If we delete our fb account, does the messenger stop working too?  There are some people that I do enjoy talking to and some that actually depend on fb to contact me.

[valet]

Nonetheless I think that some of us couldn't give two hoots about FB, but once the R/S is over and we are alone, has our tune changed?  I really don't feel empowered by fb or the ability to snoop. I feel sneaky and maybe a little dirty, and even if I discovered something, I wanna say that, I really didn't want to know this. Then follows a trigger.  I want her to be miserable too of course, but I'm not doing things just for the sake that she may find out something and become miserable from it.  I'm guessing some of that is true for her too. The part where she isn't doing it to upset me.  Or is she?  There goes the thoughts about it.

If we delete our fb account, does the messenger stop working too?  There are some people that I do enjoy talking to and some that actually depend on fb to contact me.

I blocked my ex about a month after the breakup and she didn't think it was a big deal. She's never blocked me or been anything but a little too into the idea of like, a best friends for the rest of our life type of friendship. That's a little weird to me.

Your ex sounds different though. Maybe it is just that she sees blocking you back as a good way to control you?

If Facebook improves your life, and you don't want to delete it, then don't. Do what it best for yourself. If that includes blocking her for an extended period of time then so be it. That is your boundary, and she should respect it. You are not responsible for her feelings, and if she thinks that you are then that is her issue to work through.

One serious question though: Why do you want your ex to be miserable?

[DyingLove]

Valet, I don't really want her to be miserable. I pray for her all the time. I just feel scourned at times and I would want her to feel like I do.  I guess it's the anger in my mind.  I love her to death and would, should the circumstances be right, take her back in a blink.  I don't know how that would work, it's just a comforting/longing/desire thought that runs thru my mind quite often.

I feel that I gave her 4 wonderful years of my life and it intertwined with her for better AND worse and the other vows also. I just feel so cheated because this was my soul mate, this was the "rest of my life", this was forever. And in the blink of an eye, she took it away. So yeah, it's really really painful. People experience pain differently but it's said that those with big hearts hurt real bad. That's me.

[Dunder]

If we delete our fb account, does the messenger stop working too?  There are some people that I do enjoy talking to and some that actually depend on fb to contact me.

Yes, Messenger will stop working too. Just before I deleted my account, I contacted the few people I use Messenger to communicate with to get their email addresses. So big deal.

[Panda39]

In the beginning of the B/U, I blocked her, the ex.  She found our and then I unblocked her, and then she blocked me!  Currently I am still blocked by her. So does that mean the jokes on me?  Can someone answer that one for me?

I think this is simply tit for tat.  You blocked her to protect yourself and give yourself some space.  My guess is that she took it as a snub... .because as we know in their mind it is usually about them it couldn't possibly be about you.  So when she had the opportunity she returned the favor by blocking you. 

You blocked me (you rejected me) FINE! I'll block you (I'll reject you) just like a 5 year old.

[zundertowz]

In the beginning of the B/U, I blocked her, the ex.  She found our and then I unblocked her, and then she blocked me!  Currently I am still blocked by her. So does that mean the jokes on me?  Can someone answer that one for me?

I think this is simply tit for tat.  You blocked her to protect yourself and give yourself some space.  My guess is that she took it as a snub... .because as we know in their mind it is usually about them it couldn't possibly be about you.  So when she had the opportunity she returned the favor by blocking you. 

You blocked me (you rejected me) FINE! I'll block you (I'll reject you) just like a 5 year old.

My ex would block me while we lived under the same roof... .it was idiotic and immature... .things like this would make me laugh at the time to keep from crying.  Im glad I just read this made me feel instantly better.

[DyingLove]

Panda I think you hit it on the head.  It's funny, when I'm not thinking straight I can't come to the simple conclusion you did!  But when I read it, oh geez it was right there under my nose.

Zunder, I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. Honestly it is funny especially if you are outside the box looking in!  :-)