Therapy seems to be working

[EaglesJuju]

It has been awhile since I posted about my pwBPD.  We have had a rough two months with a period of NC. It was getting pretty bad, since he was having a hard time talking to me, since he could handle "missing me so much."

We have a dog together and the dog has been living with me, since he left. Unfortunately I have to put the dog down today. I have been very distraught having to make this decision by myself.

To my surprise, he flew in yesterday to be with me and the dog. I was completely amazed how he dropped everything to come here to support me. Usually I am on the one who is supportive, but it was incredible how he is being the "supportive one."

Therapy has really transformed him. The word compromise has never come out of his mouth. He says that he has learned how to reciprocate and it is not fair that I am always giving.

More to come... .

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[JRT]

That's fantastic Ejj... .I am very happy for you both and hope that this is an enduring environment.

[Stalwart]

Hey Eagles:

Really sorry to hear about your dog - I know just how painful that can be

Really glad to hear about the progress with your partner though and I just so hope that now that he's engaged you can both find the way to move forward together on a better path. Keep us posted and fingers are crossed... .

[Loosestrife]

Im sorry about your dog and glad you've been shown some support. I experience a  similar thing with my SO as she also say it's difficult to communicate due to missing me. She says is difficult to adapt to seeing me and not then seeing me as we now live apart. I sometimes feel this is a bit of emotional blackmail to get me to let her move back in.

[EaglesJuju]

The improvement with my pwBPD is truly astonishing. I would never have imagined that someone who had so many issues speaking to me regularly would be able to be so supportive. Usually it is "too much and he is struggling" to cope with anything that could be considered upsetting.  Coming back here during an upsetting time really says something about his therapy.  He has never faced anything that he ran away from or avoided in his life.

The main thing that I found incredible was his ownership for past behaviors.  He told me that he can see the hurt and pain in my eyes from the things he has done and he is truly sorry that his behavior caused it. He has learned that his way of coping is not healthy and can hurt people even when that is not his intention.

I experience a  similar thing with my SO as she also say it's difficult to communicate due to missing me. She says is difficult to adapt to seeing me and not then seeing me as we now live apart.

He explained his rationale for these types of behavior.  He said that the feelings/emotions he has from being apart is so intense that he feels physical pain from it. 

[JRT]

Thats incredible... .waht do you think were the major contributors? Stellar therapist? Your ex REALLY wanted to embrace and pursue change?

[EaglesJuju]

Thats incredible... .waht do you think were the major contributors? Stellar therapist? Your ex REALLY wanted to embrace and pursue change?

He never was my ex. 

I think it was an amalgamation of things. He does trust and like his psychiatrist so that is positive thing. 

He has always been self-aware. For example while talking last night, he mentioned that he is a walking DSM and started listing off his "disorders." He specifically stated, that he was tired of his emotions controlling his life and he was creating "problems" inside of his head that made things worse. He was tired of being a burden and hurting people all the time.

[formflier]

 

Wonderful news about therapy!   

And some hugs about your dog... .

Over the years we have had to put some of ours down... .it doesn't get any easier... .but I do have some great memories.

FF

[EaglesJuju]

Wonderful news about therapy!   

It is great news. Even with the emotional intensity of the weekend, I was able to have serious conversations without any negative reactions. There was no awkwardness and we were able to resolve quite a few things through talking. Communication techniques really do work!

It was incredible being the person who was being supported for once.

[Stalwart]

Wow EaglesJuju it is so awesome to read such positive input.

I so hope for you and him that you've both found your breakthrough point. It's been three years since we found ours in our relationship and it's been such an inspiring journey that still continues.

Sure, a few ups and downs but always signs of progressive hope of better. Just a word, and please take this possitively because it's meant to be. It's been my experience that even though a situation has progressed that learning more and applying more has been the motivating power that keeps us on a better path. I just "wish I knew now, what I didn't know then". But the past is the past and that's where pasts belong. It opens up the way to better beginnings going forward.

Really, really, sincerely happy for you Eagles. 

[MaroonLiquid]

Congrats Eagles!   

Reading your story is awesome!  This gives me hope, and at the same time makes me wonder if my wife will ever get to the therapy or self-aware stage, or both.  I'm really excited for you and hope it continues to go well.

[Loosestrife]

Hi Eagles, do you mind me asking how long your pwBPD has had  issues for and if he has had any T before? thanks

[ColdEthyl]

Eagles *hugs* I am so sorry for  your loss. For me, dogs always have a special place in our hearts, our little fur babies. *hugs*

It is nice though to hear therapy is going well. I hope he keeps up the good work!

[EaglesJuju]

Eagles *hugs* I am so sorry for  your loss. For me, dogs always have a special place in our hearts, our little fur babies. *hugs*

Thanks CE.    It was really tough letting go of my fur baby. He truly made it easier by being there for me. I told him that it meant the world to me that he came here when I needed him.

Hi Eagles, do you mind me asking how long your pwBPD has had  issues for and if he has had any T before?

From his past history, I know for sure that he was diagnosed with bipolar (I think bipolar II). The other night, he was mentioning that he has a PD (he did not specify which one, but he often refers to the diagnostic criteria for BPD), major depressive disorder, and general anxiety disorder. He has an extensive history of attempting suicide and was involuntary committed to inpatient facilities in the past.  The mental health issues started when he was in his early teens and he was heavily medicated for the majority of his life. He started seeing his psychiatrist during his teen years and has been with him ever since.

Reading your story is awesome!  This gives me hope, and at the same time makes me wonder if my wife will ever get to the therapy or self-aware stage, or both.  I'm really excited for you and hope it continues to go well.

Thank you.   

When I think of how we met and how many miles (literally and figuratively) we traveled together and apart, it is truly incredible.

Self-awareness can be tough for the more high functioning pwBPD. My pwBPD is low functioning and therapy was something that he needed to function on a daily basis. He is so acclimated to therapy, so it really was not an issue for him to receive help. I did push him when he was here by mainly focusing on his depression and anxiety. Depression/anxiety are less stigmatizing than BPD. 

I so hope for you and him that you've both found your breakthrough point. It's been three years since we found ours in our relationship and it's been such an inspiring journey that still continues.

Sure, a few ups and downs but always signs of progressive hope of better. Just a word, and please take this positively because it's meant to be. It's been my experience that even though a situation has progressed that learning more and applying more has been the motivating power that keeps us on a better path. I just "wish I knew now, what I didn't know then". But the past is the past and that's where pasts belong. It opens up the way to better beginnings going forward.

Thank you.   Your story inspires me. 

I think this was our breakthrough point. I have always maintained hope for improvement.

I do take this positively and think it is meant to be.

[Sunfl0wer]

Wow, I'm so sorry for the difficult decision and your loss. 

Amazing, I'm so glad for you and that he came to support you at this time!

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for the info a Eagles. I hope things continue to go from strength to strength for you both 

[EaglesJuju]

Thank you for the encouragement and support.   

I was worried a bit that he may become distant and avoidant again. I actually addressed those concerns to him before he left. He told me that it would be nothing like it was before and wants to do everything he can to make this work. I doubted and was skeptical, but he has proven otherwise. He has continued to be open with communication and reach out quite often.

Words do not describe how awesome it is for me to not be scared of bringing up my own feelings or concerns.  We came to a consensus that both of us need reassurance with certain things. I would never have imagined that we would be able to be in a position where things are 50/50. 

[Cat Familiar]

EJ,

Transforming a heartbreaking loss into a major communication and understanding breakthrough. Good work both of you. So sorry about your fur baby.   

Cat