I became the one person one partner spoke of resenting

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When I first met my BPD ex... .there were stories of ex boyfriend's calling from different phones blocked numbers... .a man who would stalk her at her work, stories of ex's cheating (the way she perceived it), on and off relationships... .physical fights... .how the f was I so naive to think well all those people were just bad guys she ran into in life... .well here i am I'm a nice guy right? Im one of the good guys... .it always dawned on me maybe she was confused maybe she perceived cheating as something different. . Abusive boyfriend calling from a different # who would do that? Hmm your boyfriend and you were on and off because he kept cheating then you'd take him back a month later? Okay makes sense... .how the hell could I not see the other side of the coin? I literally became everything she talked down on... .the push/pull, indecisiveness made me reach to understand. .

After the honey moon period was over she didn't really "want commitment" or an r/s but you just always felt everything was a test... .like you were still in the r/s... .the push pull ment she would kind of disappear and reappear like she never left... .I always just gave her the benefit of the doubt... .she's just confused about her feelings... .texting fine one day # blocked the next? So now im reaching out... .what did I do now why is it blocked today... .hm gotta text off a friend's phone 2 weeks later # unblocked regular convo... .blocked again next day hmm let me ask her friend what's the problem... .hmm let me knock her door see what I did wrong now?  Bad decisions... .good intentions . I see her in person randomly ask why? You didn't get my "hint" to come over. All this did was confuse me I don't even know if I liked her anymore after all this? But I felt heavily invested... .started to care more and more... .like she can't help it... .maybe she couldn't... .all I know is it... .hit a point where I asked why she did this block unblock what's the purpose are you wanting to date. and she shut down... .

I believe one of triggers is commitment I guess... .but she plays a dangerous game no commitment but wanting to be possessive?  Like I could still date and do my things... .how can one leave for 2 weeks and think nothings changed? She then said I want nothing to do with you... .blocked off everything. . Hmm my stupid ass falling for it well I gotta reach out what did I do... .she then started to spin events against me... .I've been "lying the whole time since I met her" "you've been fuxkin 2 girls at the same time". told me we never had anything... .wants nothing to do with me... .im full of "lies" and stress. At this point I wasn't even trying to "be with her" I really just wanted to understand why she did 99 percent of the things she did so i tried to pleed innocence... .but of course she denied everything. . Never got jealous(she would stalk my instagram like it was her day job and rant for days about pictures liked she was obsessed with my social media) basically denied my existence and said she doesn't want to feel like she wants to get a "restraining order against me"

I was really taken back by the things she said... .but I could official say I now became a person in one of her "stories" that I thought I'd never become. Seemingly if I reached out "im a stalker,  I don't get it, were over" but if she reached out I would just act normal... ."hey what's up, how's the fam" I don't know... .I could of handled aloWhen I first met my BPD ex... .there were stories of ex boyfriend's calling from different phones blocked numbers... .a man who would stalk her at her work, stories of ex's cheating (the way she perceived it), on and off relationships... .physical fights... .how the f was I so naive to think well all those people were just bad guys she ran into in life... .well here i am I'm a nice guy right? Im one of the good guys... .it always dawned on me maybe she was confused maybe she perceived cheating as something different. . Abusive boyfriend calling from a different # who would do that? Hmm your boyfriend and you were on and off because he kept cheating then you'd take him back a month later? Okay makes sense... .how the hell could I not see the other side of the coin?

I literally became everything she talked down on... .the push/pull, indecisiveness made me reach to understand. . After the honey moon period was over she didn't really "want commitment" or an r/s but you just always felt everything was a test... .like you were still in the r/s... .the push pull ment she would kind of disappear and reappear like she never left... .I always just gave her the benefit of the doubt... .she's just confused about her feelings... .texting fine one day # blocked the next? So now im reaching out... .what did I do now why is it blocked today... .hm gotta text off a friend's phone 2 weeks later # unblocked regular convo... .blocked again next day hmm let me ask her friend what's the problem... .hmm let me knock her door see what I did wrong now?  Bad decisions... .good intentions . I see her in person randomly ask why? You didn't get my "hint" to come over.

All this did was confuse me I don't even know if I liked her anymore after all this? But I felt heavily invested... .started to care more and more... .like she can't help it... .maybe she couldn't... .all I know is it... .hit a point where I asked why she did this block unblock what's the purpose are you wanting to date. and she shut down... .I believe one of triggers is commitment I guess... .but she plays a dangerous game no commitment but wanting to be possessive?  Like I could still date and do my things... .how can one leave for 2 weeks and think nothings changed? She then said I want nothing to do with you... .blocked off everything. . Hmm my stupid ass falling for it well I gotta reach out what did I do... .she then started to spin events against me... .I've been "lying the whole time since I met her" "you've been fuxkin 2 girls at the same time". told me we never had anything... .wants nothing to do with me... .im full of "lies" and stress. At this point I wasn't even trying to "be with her" I really just wanted to understand why she did 99 percent of the things she did so i tried to pleed innocence... .but of course she denied everything. .

Never got jealous(she would stalk my instagram like it was her day job and rant for days about pictures liked she was obsessed with my social media) basically denied my existence and said she doesn't want to feel like she wants to get a "restraining order against me" I was really taken back by the things she said... .but I could official say I now became a person in one of her "stories" that I thought I'd never become. Seemingly if I reached out "im a stalker,  I don't get it, were over" but if she reached out I would just act normal... ."hey what's up, how's the fam" I don't know... .I could of handled alot of situations better... .maybe im the sick one?

but at the end of the day I wonder if it was just a matter of time before I became this person in her eyes. Thanks for letting me vent... .if anyone has similar stories I'd love to read. t of situations better... .maybe im the sick one? but at the end of the day I wonder if it was just a matter of time before I became this person in her eyes like was there really anything to avoid being perceived this way? Perhaps I should of quit while I was ahead. Thanks for letting me vent... .if anyone has similar stories I'd love to read... .hopefully I'm not the only one.

[problemsolver]

When I first met my BPD ex... .there were stories of ex boyfriend's calling from different phones blocked numbers... .a man who would stalk her at her work, stories of ex's cheating (the way she perceived it), on and off relationships... .physical fights... .how the f was I so naive to think well all those people were just bad guys she ran into in life... .well here i am I'm a nice guy right? Im one of the good guys... .it always dawned on me maybe she was confused maybe she perceived cheating as something different. . Abusive boyfriend calling from a different # who would do that? Hmm your boyfriend and you were on and off because he kept cheating then you'd take him back a month later? Okay makes sense... .how the hell could I not see the other side of the coin? I literally became everything she talked down on... .the push/pull, indecisiveness made me reach to understand. .

After the honey moon period was over she didn't really "want commitment" or an r/s but you just always felt everything was a test... .like you were still in the r/s... .the push pull ment she would kind of disappear and reappear like she never left... .I always just gave her the benefit of the doubt... .she's just confused about her feelings... .texting fine one day # blocked the next? So now im reaching out... .what did I do now why is it blocked today... .hm gotta text off a friend's phone 2 weeks later # unblocked regular convo... .blocked again next day hmm let me ask her friend what's the problem... .hmm let me knock her door see what I did wrong now?  Bad decisions... .good intentions . I see her in person randomly ask why? You didn't get my "hint" to come over. All this did was confuse me I don't even know if I liked her anymore after all this? But I felt heavily invested... .started to care more and more... .like she can't help it... .maybe she couldn't... .all I know is it... .hit a point where I asked why she did this block unblock what's the purpose are you wanting to date. and she shut down... .

I believe one of triggers is commitment I guess... .but she plays a dangerous game no commitment but wanting to be possessive?  Like I could still date and do my things... .how can one leave for 2 weeks and think nothings changed? She then said I want nothing to do with you... .blocked off everything. . Hmm my stupid ass falling for it well I gotta reach out what did I do... .she then started to spin events against me... .I've been "lying the whole time since I met her" "you've been fuxkin 2 girls at the same time". told me we never had anything... .wants nothing to do with me... .im full of "lies" and stress. At this point I wasn't even trying to "be with her" I really just wanted to understand why she did 99 percent of the things she did so i tried to pleed innocence... .but of course she denied everything. . Never got jealous(she would stalk my instagram like it was her day job and rant for days about pictures liked she was obsessed with my social media) basically denied my existence and said she doesn't want to feel like she wants to get a "restraining order against me"

I was really taken back by the things she said... .but I could official say I now became a person in one of her "stories" that I thought I'd never become. Seemingly if I reached out "im a stalker,  I don't get it, were over" but if she reached out I would just act normal... ."hey what's up, how's the fam" I don't know... .I could of handled aloWhen I first met my BPD ex... .there were stories of ex boyfriend's calling from different phones blocked numbers... .a man who would stalk her at her work, stories of ex's cheating (the way she perceived it), on and off relationships... .physical fights... .how the f was I so naive to think well all those people were just bad guys she ran into in life... .well here i am I'm a nice guy right? Im one of the good guys... .it always dawned on me maybe she was confused maybe she perceived cheating as something different. . Abusive boyfriend calling from a different # who would do that? Hmm your boyfriend and you were on and off because he kept cheating then you'd take him back a month later? Okay makes sense... .how the hell could I not see the other side of the coin?

I literally became everything she talked down on... .the push/pull, indecisiveness made me reach to understand. . After the honey moon period was over she didn't really "want commitment" or an r/s but you just always felt everything was a test... .like you were still in the r/s... .the push pull ment she would kind of disappear and reappear like she never left... .I always just gave her the benefit of the doubt... .she's just confused about her feelings... .texting fine one day # blocked the next? So now im reaching out... .what did I do now why is it blocked today... .hm gotta text off a friend's phone 2 weeks later # unblocked regular convo... .blocked again next day hmm let me ask her friend what's the problem... .hmm let me knock her door see what I did wrong now?  Bad decisions... .good intentions . I see her in person randomly ask why? You didn't get my "hint" to come over.

All this did was confuse me I don't even know if I liked her anymore after all this? But I felt heavily invested... .started to care more and more... .like she can't help it... .maybe she couldn't... .all I know is it... .hit a point where I asked why she did this block unblock what's the purpose are you wanting to date. and she shut down... .I believe one of triggers is commitment I guess... .but she plays a dangerous game no commitment but wanting to be possessive?  Like I could still date and do my things... .how can one leave for 2 weeks and think nothings changed? She then said I want nothing to do with you... .blocked off everything. . Hmm my stupid ass falling for it well I gotta reach out what did I do... .she then started to spin events against me... .I've been "lying the whole time since I met her" "you've been fuxkin 2 girls at the same time". told me we never had anything... .wants nothing to do with me... .im full of "lies" and stress. At this point I wasn't even trying to "be with her" I really just wanted to understand why she did 99 percent of the things she did so i tried to pleed innocence... .but of course she denied everything. .

Never got jealous(she would stalk my instagram like it was her day job and rant for days about pictures liked she was obsessed with my social media) basically denied my existence and said she doesn't want to feel like she wants to get a "restraining order against me" I was really taken back by the things she said... .but I could official say I now became a person in one of her "stories" that I thought I'd never become. Seemingly if I reached out "im a stalker,  I don't get it, were over" but if she reached out I would just act normal... ."hey what's up, how's the fam" I don't know... .I could of handled alot of situations better... .maybe im the sick one?

but at the end of the day I wonder if it was just a matter of time before I became this person in her eyes. Thanks for letting me vent... .if anyone has similar stories I'd love to read. t of situations better... .maybe im the sick one? but at the end of the day I wonder if it was just a matter of time before I became this person in her eyes like was there really anything to avoid being perceived this way? Perhaps I should of quit while I was ahead. Thanks for letting me vent... .if anyone has similar stories I'd love to read... .hopefully I'm not the only one.

[Mutt]

Hi problemsolver,



I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. Often at the infatuation stage of a r/s we tend look at the good things. I can understand how it hurts being one of her stories now like the other guys. Don't be hard on yourself. A pwBPD self loathe, feel a lot of guilt and shame and subconsciously project their negative actions and feelings on others. You also had a taste of that when you would try to plead your innocence with her and she doesn't take ownership of her actions and projects herself on you. It's frustrating and confusing when we may not understand that your dealing with mental illness. It's hard to tell and a person that alters and changes reality often is a sign of mental illness.

It is a matter of time in her eyes that you become this person and it's the length of time differs for everyone; it could take weeks and sometimes years before the the idealization phases slowly shrink and it's devaluation most if not all of the time, it's not a process that happens all at once.

Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

I can understand how hard it is when we give so much of ourselves after the honeymoon phase and you can't make your partner happy and she has hatred for you.

Is she still threatening you with the police?

[jalen]

Same here all these stories about ex boyfriends abusing her and cheating on her, and every single guy friend has put it on her but they respect her because she stands up for her self and says no. I am the only guy she wants. Someone was always hitting on her or now she ignores them because they love her and she was just their friend. Only I'm allowed her body. Her phone only had digits the first year as contacts no names. Our babies will be so beautifull, let's go out dressed with my breast and ass busting out. You're going to save me rah rah rah

[problemsolver]

Hi problemsolver,



I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. Often at the infatuation stage of a r/s we tend look at the good things. I can understand how it hurts being one of her stories now like the other guys. Don't be hard on yourself. A pwBPD self loathe, feel a lot of guilt and shame and subconsciously project their negative actions and feelings on others. You also had a taste of that when you would try to plead your innocence with her and she doesn't take ownership of her actions and projects herself on you. It's frustrating and confusing when we may not understand that your dealing with mental illness. It's hard to tell and a person that alters and changes reality often is a sign of mental illness.

It is a matter of time in her eyes that you become this person and it's the length of time differs for everyone; it could take weeks and sometimes years before the the idealization phases slowly shrink and it's devaluation most if not all of the time, it's not a process that happens all at once.

Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

I can understand how hard it when we give so much of ourselves after the honeymoon phase and you can't make your partner happy.

                   ... .Thank you for reading Im sorry it seems I double posted and made it harder to read... .the ending part happened today... .I was pleading my innocence and she just spun it like nope you've been lying to me this whole time... .which has been 7 months or so... .so she is perceiving me as a lying scum bag basically. . The one person I tried so hard not to be... .and it was like one slip and boom "look! I KNEW IT THAT'S WHO YOU ARE!"... .she just kept saying nope you're lying leave me alone. ... .then it just hit a point where she said "don't make me feel like I need to get a restraining order... .keep in mind im 23... .and she's only 20... .with all these bad experiences so young?... .but yes it was me reaching out... .she didn't actually say "im gonna call the cops" but she bluffed it in a sense.

[Mutt]

It's a lot for a young man to go through.

She's emotionally blackmailing you and you have Fear in Fear Obligation Guilt ( FOG ) with her threats. She doesn't want to hear her role in the r/s because she feels shame and guilt and getting a restraining order is a way to triangulate you into persecutor role , the person that many of us become at the end of the r/s. You're the fallguy like her previous partners that she has nothing good to say about. I've gone through a similar experience.

I understand feeling the need to clear your name. If she's threatening you with a restraining order there's a good chance she's triggered with a lot of anxiety and stress and she's likely really unstable at the moment.

Was there a smear campaign where she was telling family and friends distortions and switched the roles around where her abusive actions became yours?

[problemsolver]

It's a lot for a young man to go through.

She's emotionally blackmailing you and you have Fear in Fear Obligation Guilt ( FOG ) with her threats. She doesn't want to hear her role in the r/s because she feels shame and guilt and getting a restraining order is a way to triangulate you into persecutor role , the person that many of us become at the end of the r/s. You're the fallguy like her previous partners that she has nothing good to say about. I've gone through a similar experience.

I understand feeling the need to clear your name. If she's threatening you with a restraining order there's a good chance she's triggered with a lot of anxiety and stress and she's likely really unstable at the moment.

Was there a smear campaign where she was telling family and friends distortions and switched the roles around where her abusive actions became yours?

yeah honestly I don't even think I was/is interested in her romantically past the certain point when I started noticing, that she could act so differently from day to day... .it almost seemed fake? 2-faced in a sense? But if she can't control it I'd hate to generalize. Mainly false accusations would reel me in, I was always suckered in to wanting to clear my name basically. Yes I don't know how intense the smear campaign was though but I know as time wore on people started to project me differently around her, I think it made me look like the abusive boyfriend? I was now the guy that her friends would be like "oh no you're getting back with him" I was relatively oblivious as you asking the question only now made me think about it. I know that between me and her, she would often have selective memory so I wouldn't doubt that would stem out to fam and friends. . She would often deny having starting a conversation with me via text making it seem like I was the agressor? This was of course later closer to the "devaluation" stage I suppose got to the point where I started to think without physical evidence an argument can't be won... .because she perceived things as she wants to. She made It look like I was reaching out all the time when in fact it wasn't as one sided as she made it seem to mutual friends or the neutrals who were around us. She never took responsibility for her actions in a sense.

[Arcturus81]

This seems to be the most common trait I have seen with all BPDs. I myself heard all the horror stories about the ex's. I heard all the distorted lies and believed them. Its only when you come out of the fog that you see the truth. I have even spoke with my ex's first husband and he and I are actually good friends. I met him because they have kids together. He told me after the breakup that he knew it was coming. He said that she "has a pattern". When I asked him why he never said anything to me he replied with "Would you have listened?" He was right I probably wouldn't have. His side of the story was much different than what I had heard about their marriage.

Forgiveness is something that most BPD's are not capable of but we non's can achieve it. Let her have her tantrum. You can do nothing to stop the smear campaign except turn away and live your life without them.

[Mutt]

I know that between me and her, she would often have selective memory so I wouldn't doubt that would stem out to fam and friends. . She would often deny having starting a conversation with me via text making it seem like I was the agressor? This was of course later closer to the "devaluation" stage I suppose got to the point where I started to think without physical evidence an argument can't be won... .because she perceived things as she wants to. She made It look like I was reaching out all the time when in fact it wasn't as one sided as she made it seem to mutual friends or the neutrals who were around us. She never took responsibility for her actions in a sense.

The selective memory and denying sounds like dissociation ( lying ) and is another behavior with a person with BPD where the person will alter reality to match their out of place feelings. If you were the aggressor there's a chance that she was and projects that and altered reality. I can understand how difficult it is when someone changes the story quite often.

Her hot and cold treatment with texting sounds like splitting where a person with BPD will view a person as either all good or all bad and she has difficulties seeing the grey areas and life is on either polarized sides. She may be friendly when you're split white and things are relatively normal and then she can be cold and distant when you're split black.

Have you given thought about going NC? She may very well follow through with a restraining order; not a chance I would take with a mentally ill person.

[problemsolver]

I know that between me and her, she would often have selective memory so I wouldn't doubt that would stem out to fam and friends. . She would often deny having starting a conversation with me via text making it seem like I was the agressor? This was of course later closer to the "devaluation" stage I suppose got to the point where I started to think without physical evidence an argument can't be won... .because she perceived things as she wants to. She made It look like I was reaching out all the time when in fact it wasn't as one sided as she made it seem to mutual friends or the neutrals who were around us. She never took responsibility for her actions in a sense.

The selective memory and denying sounds like dissociation ( lying ) and is another behavior with a person with BPD where the person will alter reality to match their out of place feelings. If you were the aggressor there's a chance that she was and projects that and altered reality. I can understand how difficult it is when someone changes the story quite often.

Her hot and cold treatment with texting sounds like splitting where a person with BPD will view a person as either all good or all bad and she has difficulties seeing the grey areas and life is on either polarized sides. She may be friendly when you're split white and things are relatively normal and then she can be cold and distant when you're split black.

Have you given thought about going NC? She may very well follow through with a restraining order; not a chance I would take with a mentally ill person.

I wish , I would of known things could get this "serious" yes I have heavily considered NC the only thing that is bugging me is I don't feel like she's understanding what I'm saying. Perhaps there is no way to make her see it a different way perhaps in my shoes... .? But now I'm scared that she will misinterpret something and devalue me even further. I just feel like I have good intentions but she isn't understanding me. I suppose NC is really the only option.

[Mutt]

Perhaps there is no way to make her see it a different way perhaps in my shoes... .?

Putting yourself in someone else's shoes and seeing it from their perspective is empathy. Showing empathy is problematic for a pwBPD when they are caught in their own emotional turmoil. She may very well devalue you further and it's a good idea to self protect with no contact and detach.