Newbie: Sister4BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello! Greetings & Salutations! 

This is somewhat uncomfortable typing to a Nobody, as this is, thusly... .& I have not been one to use online forums much, altho I do plenty of online research and consider myself somewhat well-educated in many psychological matters; therefore, preliminary explanations are not necessary.   

Nonetheless, as my forum name implies, my dear sister has been Dx (diagnosed) BPD. And over the years (we are now over 50) she has switched from a mild form of idolatry towards me while we were growing up, to what has recently turned into an ongoing assault of throwing me under the bus, so-to-speak.

Altho I have been striving towards Increasing Unconditional Love for her (and All life forms!), she is rampantly raging against me, trying to destroy my reputation and credibility, and has access to all of our mutual contacts - whereas I am a late-comer to the social scene that she strives on, actually, the scene that she "makes her living from", as she is a popular (in some circles) and talented artist with "a following".

How this concerns me, is that my sister is a very influential person, and I have been away from the area where we grew up together for many, many years; while she has been cultivating associations and has contacts with many persons I would like to become reacquainted with, despite the fact that she has proven her inability to "share" anything or anyone at all with me.  (To the point where she has actually stolen Family Heirlooms right out from underneath me)

I have been told by someone whom she had no idea would contact me and tell me that she is exaggerating my hard times into devastation and painting a very dismal and desperate picture of me to others. As far as I am aware? She keeps her "On-stage-appearance" held strongly above her vulnerabilities, therefore, I believe everyone considers her to be a reliable conveyer of information.       

It's NOT even so much that I need the assurance of a being allowed an "Even Playing Field" as in any given situation, I can hold my own, and believe any person of merit will judge others through their own interactions; altho I will admit that having a Negative image portrayed to others is very disconcerting... .BS! It really HURTS BAAAD! 

~However, what concerns me above all else, is my Realization that for her to be so Negative & Hurtfully Menacing and Detrimental Towards me, I (am well enough to) Realize that it is her own fears of inadequacy that forces her to Destroy any semblance of our sharing old friends and associates and for any attempts of my desire to nurture closeness... .

OK. Shwew! All that came out All at once and I am not sure where I am going with this now, but I will admit it does put things into a better perspective. I have been trying to Detox my feelings from all this hurtful crap for a few years now and only recently have quit trying to analyze her motivations (blatantly obvious now), and have only recently Quit crying myself to sleep (I live contentedly alone now, widowed, kids grown)... .But she is SO GOOD at Manipulation & Portraying me as her Nemesis!

Lord Knows I could go On & On (& yes, my therapist gets the Brunt of this!). But Perhaps a little Validation from someone who Understands this crap First-Hand would help me learn to not feel so damned self-righteous for having taken the moral high ground: As I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK & Persist in Offering my Love Despite the Ongoing Onslaught... .OR? Maybe I will hear from someone who thinks I am unrealistic and selfish OR?  (Neh! LOL!)... .

Peace to All,  (& does love conquer all >> Except BPD?)

Sister4BPD

[Sister4BPD]

Hello! Greetings & Salutations! 

This is somewhat uncomfortable typing to a Nobody, as this is, thusly... .& I have not been one to use online forums much, altho I do plenty of online research and consider myself somewhat well-educated in many psychological matters; therefore, preliminary explanations are not necessary.   

Nonetheless, as my forum name implies, my dear sister has been Dx (diagnosed) BPD. And over the years (we are now over 50) she has switched from a mild form of idolatry towards me while we were growing up, to what has recently turned into an ongoing assault of throwing me under the bus, so-to-speak.

Altho I have been striving towards Increasing Unconditional Love for her (and All life forms!), she is rampantly raging against me, trying to destroy my reputation and credibility, and has access to all of our mutual contacts - whereas I am a late-comer to the social scene that she strives on, actually, the scene that she "makes her living from", as she is a popular (in some circles) and talented artist with "a following".

How this concerns me, is that my sister is a very influential person, and I have been away from the area where we grew up together for many, many years; while she has been cultivating associations and has contacts with many persons I would like to become reacquainted with, despite the fact that she has proven her inability to "share" anything or anyone at all with me.  (To the point where she has actually stolen Family Heirlooms right out from underneath me)

I have been told by someone whom she had no idea would contact me and tell me that she is exaggerating my hard times into devastation and painting a very dismal and desperate picture of me to others. As far as I am aware? She keeps her "On-stage-appearance" held strongly above her vulnerabilities, therefore, I believe everyone considers her to be a reliable conveyer of information.       

It's NOT even so much that I need the assurance of a being allowed an "Even Playing Field" as in any given situation, I can hold my own, and believe any person of merit will judge others through their own interactions; altho I will admit that having a Negative image portrayed to others is very disconcerting... .BS! It really HURTS BAAAD! 

~However, what concerns me above all else, is my Realization that for her to be so Negative & Hurtfully Menacing and Detrimental Towards me, I (am well enough to) Realize that it is her own fears of inadequacy that forces her to Destroy any semblance of our sharing old friends and associates and for any attempts of my desire to nurture closeness... .

OK. Shwew! All that came out All at once and I am not sure where I am going with this now, but I will admit it does put things into a better perspective. I have been trying to Detox my feelings from all this hurtful crap for a few years now and only recently have quit trying to analyze her motivations (blatantly obvious now), and have only recently Quit crying myself to sleep (I live contentedly alone now, widowed, kids grown)... .But she is SO GOOD at Manipulation & Portraying me as her Nemesis!

Lord Knows I could go On & On (& yes, my therapist gets the Brunt of this!). But Perhaps a little Validation from someone who Understands this crap First-Hand would help me learn to not feel so damned self-righteous for having taken the moral high ground: As I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK & Persist in Offering my Love Despite the Ongoing Onslaught... .OR? Maybe I will hear from someone who thinks I am unrealistic and selfish OR?  (Neh! LOL!)... .

Peace to All,  (& does love conquer all >> Except BPD?)

Sister4BPD

[Kwamina]

Hi Sister4BPD

Welcome to the family  Your sister has been diagnosed with BPD, when did this happen? Do you feel like she accepts this diagnosis? And is she now or has she ever been in therapy for her BPD?

And over the years (we are now over 50) she has switched from a mild form of idolatry towards me while we were growing up, to what has recently turned into an ongoing assault of throwing me under the bus, so-to-speak.

What you describe here sounds a lot like the BPD behavior called 'splitting'. Are you familiar with this concept? Here's a short excerpt from a workshop about the subject:

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the boirderlines life.

According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), splitting borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathetic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor. Borderlines require someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties.

If you are interested in reading more, you can find the workshop here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Dealing with a BPD family-member isn't easy. Many of our members know this quite well from personal experience and will be able to relate to your story.

Take care