Delete or don't delete?

[Olivia_D]

Hi all, I have blocked his phone phone, personal cell phone, business cell phone, government email, personal email, his second personal email, et cetera.  The only thing that I haven't deleted is his connection to me on LinkedIn.  Should I just leave it alone and act as-if it doesn't bother me or delete it?  I pulled it up the other day and was looking at his face and just couldn't delete it.  He's probably already blocked all of my stuff and probably doesn't even realize that I haven't made attempts to contact him, he's that narcissistic.  Delete or don't delete? 

[newtothis28]

Delete for you not for him

[Irish Pride]

Hi all, I have blocked his phone phone, personal cell phone, business cell phone, government email, personal email, his second personal email, et cetera.  The only thing that I haven't deleted is his connection to me on LinkedIn.  Should I just leave it alone and act as-if it doesn't bother me or delete it?  I pulled it up the other day and was looking at his face and just couldn't delete it.  He's probably already blocked all of my stuff and probably doesn't even realize that I haven't made attempts to contact him, he's that narcissistic.  Delete or don't delete? 

Ask yourself, if you've blocked everything else (which is extensive), why keep this one?

[Olivia_D]

why keep this one?

Great point.  I guess it is the last link in the chain.  Deleted.  I am such a softy.  It always feels mean to stand up for myself. 

[Dunder]

why keep this one?

Great point.  I guess it is the last link in the chain.  Deleted.  I am such a softy.  It always feels mean to stand up for myself. 

I deleted every one of my social media accounts just to avoid any temptation to look at her. I deleted my Facebook; I didn't just block or unfriend her, I deleted my whole account so I don't have Facebook anymore. Same with Instagram, Twitter and What App. I blocked her on my phone and FaceTime. I am essentially off the grid because of my lovely xBPD. However, I never blocked her email. I just couldn't cut that last remaining link to her. 4 weeks after the break up, she emailed me and it sent me reeling. I still haven't blocked her on email though I think our exchange was enough to keep her from contacting me for a while, but I doubt I've heard the last from her. I have to admit, I am not ready to say goodbye to her forever. I'm just hoping that the periods of no contact will outpace her interest in contacting me and I'll eventually detach to the point that if she does occasionally contact me, it won't hurt me anymore.

[Olivia_D]

It made be upset and nauseous to delete. It feels mean. I needed to do it for me but pushing the button was a challenge. It won't even register with him as he's capable of being very cold and impervious.

But, I cared just with the wrong person.

[LeonVa]

Another forum member told me awhile ago that we need to go AGAINST our nature to be nice (not necessarily equals to be mean though) .  I took that to heart.  It's essential to do somethings that protect ourselves and stand up for ourselves for once.  Though, at times, I found myself to be mean, over done it a little bit, .

You are absolutely correct. Caring is a perfectly natural thing to do, just not with the wrong person especially if he's BPD.

[Mutt]

It made be upset and nauseous to delete. It feels mean. I needed to do it for me but pushing the button was a challenge. It won't even register with him as he's capable of being very cold and impervious.

But, I cared just with the wrong person.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I have to agree delete it for yourself and not for him. I also understand how it feels when you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings. It also helps to go against your nature and give ourselves a push for self protection to heal and stop the bleeding and whatever I found that helped me to lessen the triggers I would try to take the steps and do so - it's hard enough detaching.

[peacefulmind]

I did it as a part of my NC boundary I tried to set up for myself. I thought it would help, and I guess with time, it will. Right now I'm constantly wondering what is on my ex-BPDs facebook wall, who he/she is seeing now, and it hurts me more than helping.

I understand that cutting the line with a pwBPD is necessary for us to heal and regain our strength, but to me, it's been a paradox of wanting to heal, and still obsessing over him/her. At the moment, all contact except email is removed, and I don't expect my ex-BPD to ever contact me again (too much pride, too much knowledge about his/her own disorder, and too much smear campaign, allegedly - just looking at what my ex-BPD did to the last person he/she was in relationship with... .).

I am happy for you that you stood up for yourself Olivia, and I hope this last cut will be fruitful for your recovery. Stay strong and believe that you're doing the right thing for yourself.

Anyone else ever experienced that NC/cut of all contact made things worse? Or should I take it as another sign that the grieving process is still ongoing (took me a while to actually delete all contact paths), and that when I did close down connections, it restarted the cycle?