I Can't Go NC--But Desperately Need To

[TacocaT]

I know everyone always says they never knew there were others like them, but I can honestly say I truly felt no one would share the same experiences as I had with my uBPDm until now. I plan to sit here balling all night reading and agreeing with strangers about something I never thought I would be able to understandingly convey to anyone. Thank you for telling your stories.

I'm 27 and I have just made the steps to remove this abusive woman from my life, but I don't think I can actually go NC. Here's a brief synopsis of where our situation stands today: My father had a devastating stroke one year ago and due to the simultaneous ending of my lease at a home with an alcoholic, now ex, bf I packed my belongs to return to living with my parents so to help be my fathers caretaker. My mother has always been an explosively rageaholic master manipulator.By strategically go to college out of state and getting jobs away from her I have managed a semi-cordial relationship for years. Returning to live with her was the worst decision I could have possibly made for my mental health and physical safety. I lived in nightly terror, the nights I absolutely HAD to stay there, between the moans of discomfort of my ailing father and her rages as she trapped me and my pet cats  in one room I was disassociated mess. She threatened to kill my cats daily. She was going to destroy all my belongings, like I had seen her do countless times when she would drown my fathers things in bleach. I was a whore, a failure, useless, a piece of * and she was going to tell everybody about it. I'm so lucky I found the sweetest, most supportive and kindest man who helped save me during this last year. Being able to retreat to his kindness was so needed.

I am trying to see myself "as a thriver".  In one year I managed to go from nothing to finding a job I enjoy, my own apartment where my cats are happy and safe, and a loving partner all while trying to take physical care of my father and deal with my uBPDm.

I've separated myself from her completely financially and physically but my father is still in her care. I do not believe my father should be but she has cut off all contact with all family but my brother. On move out day she said she will come to my new work and tell them all, "what a piece of trash whore I am and all about your past." I am terrified of this. I know I must end all contact with her but I need to look out for the care and health of my father. How am I to visit him and make sure he's OK when he stays with her? He goes one month in then one month out of rehabilitation facilities but how am I to know when or where without her? She is so abusive should I not feel bad about cutting contact if it means cutting off my father as well? I really don't know how to go forward. I will say feeling safe in my new home is a wonderful feeling   even if I'm making sure she's not following me... .

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your father’s ill health and totally relate to your situation. My BPD is a “rageaholic” and my ill farther lives with her. But I went NC 17 months ago, but did visit my dad when he was “about to die” in hospital. Worth noting he wasn’t about to die – but a BPD uses these triggers. I have PTSD so could not be in the same room as my rageaholic BPD. That explained the need for NC. It also gave me the space and time needed to mend. So I was very afraid to begin with (my Nark kicked me out of a moving car etc... .) but through Therapy I realised my BPD was controlling me using F.O.G. If you’ve not read up on Fear. Obligation. Guilt, you may find it helpful.

I also realised the fear related to being trapped as a young child, and my BPD is an old woman who can’t actually attack me in the same way. So for example, if your cats don’t live with your BPD –is it ever probably she would do anything to them ? Also if you limit or cut contact with your Dad, will that effect his health ? Get rid of the FOG and you’ll be able to objectively answer these question. You’ve taken the first step posting here, so I’m sure you’ll find a way. The Ambassadors etc... .on the forum have good advice in my opinion. Best of Luck.

[educator]

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.  I don't have a parent with BPD, but I have an in-law who is uBPD/unpd.   I'm not sure what advice to give you about your dad, but I wonder how comfortable you feel in your work situation to discuss the possibility of your mother showing up like that.  I've worked in my job for 11 years, but when I was only here about a year or two, my MIL got really mad at me and her sister and her threatened to go to my place of employment and tell them how awful I was.  I am the breadwinner of the family and it scared me, so I told my boss and she was cool with it, told me they would send her away, etc.  I've actually told each new boss I've had at some point about my situation (a very condensed version) just in case.  I wonder if you would feel okay telling your boss about it?  I know sometimes it's best to keep things private, but for me, it made me feel safer to know what they would do if she did in fact come in.

I wonder if your mom would actually go there?  My MIL is more bark then bite, but she's a hermit/waif.  DH's aunt has similar issues to MIL, but she's more of a witch/queen and she would totally come to my work if she was my MIL.  It sounds like your mom is more like a queen/witch and I would be a bit scared of that. 

[Woolspinner2000]

TacocaT, 

I'm so glad you found us and that you are already feeling a part of this group where we understand. It's a great comfort, isn't it, just to know you are not alone. The validation and encouragement has been such a help to me and I hope it will be to you as well. I too had a uBPDm.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like you really have had a rough time of it, especially recently. I'm so sorry.   Please know that you are not those unkind, mean, spiteful things your uBPDm says. You are a survivor, compassionate, courageous, and must have a bit of spunk to be able to walk away for you and your mental health.  Keep it up and keep going!

I can understand that feeling of needing to look over your shoulder all the time. It becomes second nature when the abuse is great. The good news is that with time and healing, you will begin to relax. I'm finally finding myself doing better in many of my personal relationships after having been in some therapy. Do you have a T that you visit who can help you or a support group?

In thinking about your father, is there any trusted friend, minister, or extended family that would be able to occasionally visit him and then give you a report? Does your uBPDm have DPOA? If your father has the capacity/ability to sign a release giving you permission to receive medical reports about his condition, then a healthcare professional would be able to talk with you about him and your uBPDm need never know. It would be a matter of his being able to either verbally give permission or physically sign a form when she is not there because we know she'd never let him do so if she could stop him! Do you think any of those ideas might help?

Keep us posted on how things are going. Take care of yourself! 

Wools

[TacocaT]

To HappyChappy, Educator and Woolspinner2000 thank you so very much for your sweet replies. It saddens me that we are all strangers yet your words are kinder than anything my mother has said to me in years, but realizing this gives me stronger resolve in what I am doing by cutting off contact. The last two days have been very difficult as it inches near mother's day and I am trying to hold strong.

In reply to Wools: Exploring these boards and starting to learn about this illness has really shown me that therapy is necessary. I have always vacillated between going and not but I now realize I need the support. I'm going to take the time to find someone I can talk to. I just need to figure out where to start :/ It all seems too much to lay out on a table. Thanks for bringing up DPOA as my father has not signed this over. Hopefully, once I find out where he is currently I can gain power of attorney. I know my father is suffering abuse at her hands and I need to help get him out of her control. I really wish there was any one close I could have go over but my uBPDm has expertly shut every other human out of her life. I guess I'll take the steps I can when I can. Thanks again for your kind words, they do mean a lot.

In reply to educator: This is great advice. I've always been told to be ashamed and felt ashamed about my family so as a child, and young adult even, I would NEVER in a million years tell people how my mother was. Oh yes, from what I've read it seems she is text book witch/queen type and would absolutely come into my work if she was worked up enough. I just started this job and am scared to mess it up, but I think they're would be a way to bring it up to my new boss. It's a very small team and I think it might be a good idea. I have just blocked her phone number and that might drum up a visit. Thank goodness I work in a museum and there's TONS of security around!

HappyChappy: Your situation does sound so similar to mine. My uBPDm claims he is going to die "any second" and tries to rack me with guilt every moment she can, as if I was making him sick. Even as a former pysch student I still never thought PTSD would apply to a person like me but once you mentioned it a couple things clicked for me.  I flinch at a raised hand, I tense at a sound similar to her stacks of bracelets jingling and on and on. It's too much and I'm excited (hmm, don't know if that's the right word) to talk through these issues in T (once I find one).So, my cats are officially safe now that they live with me in an apartment the uBPDm is unaware of but my dad's safety is another issue. She is not capable of caring for stroke victim with complete left side paralysis let alone a child. I'm trying to connect with the family she cut us off from to get help. Learning about FOG was such a wake up call! It's old news on this board but it's just a great feeling realizing that these are control tactics and that I'm not a baddie.

[Panda39]

Hi TacocaT,

I want to join everyone else in welcoming you to the bpdfamily too   

I was going to suggest reaching out to family too but it sounds like your working on it.  I would particularly start with your dad's side of the family, does he have any siblings? I would start with them.  Is your dad receiving any type of professional home care or is he seeing a physician or physical therapist?  You could raise your concerns with them about his well-being that might get him some help/protection and if all else fails there is social services.  Your dad is lucky to have you on the outside to work on getting him some support.  Just be sure you take care of yourself too, you won't be able to help anyone if you get overloaded and burned out.  Getting therapy for yourself is an excellent idea and I bet a therapist could help you with some direction in terms of your dad too.

I would also recommend talking with your employer.  I did that early on when I started dating my SO (significant other) who happens to have an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  My entire office of 10 people knows about her.  I did this to protect myself from any lies that might have come my way.  Everyone knows me and everyone knows about her and I know who will be believed.  You don't have to go into all the gorey details.  You could just say something like you have an abusive mom that you've had to make some contact with recently due to your father's stroke and that she has made noises about showing up at work and making a scene and you wanted to make them aware.  Besides your direct boss you might also want to let Human Resources and Security know the situation.  They are both there to help and protect you.  I work in HR at a hospital and it is not uncommon for someone to come to us with situations about an abusive ex-spouse or even a patient that has made threats.  We won't even transfer calls to an employee unless we've screened it and it's an emergency otherwise we expect our employees to give their direct numbers to those that need it.  So just know that it is safe to reach out even though I know it might be uncomfortable.

Again Welcome  I'm really glad you found us.

Panda39

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