Strategies for anxiety when dealing with mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am still struggling after many years of therapy and meditation with acute anxiety when telling mom something that will trigger her. She is a rager,  and also will start crying /acting out in public. I would like to find a support group in Los Angeles. I'm thinking it might help to speak with others who are struggling as I am.

[Tangerine1]

I am still struggling after many years of therapy and meditation with acute anxiety when telling mom something that will trigger her. She is a rager,  and also will start crying /acting out in public. I would like to find a support group in Los Angeles. I'm thinking it might help to speak with others who are struggling as I am.

[smrk871345]

I have an uBPD mother and found a lot of support in Alanon. It's a 12-step program based on AA for friends and families of alcoholics. I don't know if you're mother is a drinker, but she has BPD, then she shares a lot of characteristics with alcoholics.

I first started going 3yrs ago after a short but dangerous roommate situation. I then came to realize how this relationship was part of a bigger pattern for me, and if I don't do something about it, I would continue to repeat it. Once I began attending Alanon meetings, I realized how the tools of the program helped me to deal with my mom. I also gained a lot of positive support from that community. I suspect that my mother is an alcoholic too, but the bigger problem is her BPD. From reading various books I learned that alcoholism tends to coincide with many personality disorders.

If you can start going to Alanon meetings, I'm sure you will benefit too. There you will find valuable tools and a caring community where you can share your experiences, be heard, validated and understood.

[Kwamina]

Hi Tangerine1

Welcome to bpdfamily

She is a rager,  and also will start crying /acting out in public.

This is very unpleasant indeed and I can see how this prospect could cause you anxiety. Since when has your mother been exhibiting these types of behavior? Has she ever been diagnosed with any sort of disorder?

I am still struggling after many years of therapy and meditation with acute anxiety when telling mom something that will trigger her.

What kind of things trigger your mom? Perhaps it will help you to take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this site such as validation and S.E.T. The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

S.E.T. helps minimize the chance of further conflict or drama while maximizing the chance of getting through to the other person. S.E.T. can also help you stay calmer yourself by focusing on a structured way of communicating and keeping your end goal (speaking your truth) in mind. If you want to read more about S.E.T., we have a workshop about this technique: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

Take care