Knocked from the peddlestal in just over a year.

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Hi, Glad to find this site. Hope we can help one another.

My young adult son (who is expecting a baby, the first grandchild of the extended family) just called us out of the blue Sat. and told us that he was cutting off contact with us, all of us, his parents and four siblings. Texts and emails will be unwelcome. There won't be much change at all for me since I text-ed him once, emailed him once or twice and called just to invite them over, in the last 12 months.

I suspected she had BPD--at least, while he was dating, and only found Shrink4men online. Warned him, but he was twitter-pated. I have so much work to do, but can't concentrate. I haven't felt much emotion since it's been so long since I've seen my true son, since I've even had a conversation with him. They began their official relationship summer 2012, married a year later, and baby is due at their two year anniversary.

[whiplashed_mom]

Hi, Glad to find this site. Hope we can help one another.

My young adult son (who is expecting a baby, the first grandchild of the extended family) just called us out of the blue Sat. and told us that he was cutting off contact with us, all of us, his parents and four siblings. Texts and emails will be unwelcome. There won't be much change at all for me since I text-ed him once, emailed him once or twice and called just to invite them over, in the last 12 months.

I suspected she had BPD--at least, while he was dating, and only found Shrink4men online. Warned him, but he was twitter-pated. I have so much work to do, but can't concentrate. I haven't felt much emotion since it's been so long since I've seen my true son, since I've even had a conversation with him. They began their official relationship summer 2012, married a year later, and baby is due at their two year anniversary.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Whiplashed Mom:

So sorry to hear about the situation with your son.  Has anyone in the family had some conflict with your DIL directly or said something to your son that he or she has taken offense to?  Maybe she has read some emails or texts that were sent to your son. 

Do you have any details about her behavior when she was dating your son - the behavior that made you suspect BPD?  I found the book, "Walking on Egg Shells" very informative. You might want to read it. You can get it in audio book form, kindle or written.  There are some quizzes in the book that you can use to help determine if your DIL may be BPD.

My sister's daughter-in law has some mental issues, not sure what category she belongs in.  I'm unaware of a formal announcement about cutting off contact, but that is basically the situation.  This woman is at least 5 years older than my nephew.  She had children by 2 different men prior to meeting my nephew.  My nephew met one of the baby daddies, who told my nephew to "beware of her, because she will try to get pregnant and trap you".  Sure enough, that is what happened.  She got pregnant and my nephew married her. (he was warned)

This woman is very controlling.  Since my nephew married her, it is rare for either my nephew or his wife to attend any family gatherings and they live very close.   On the rare occasions that they did stop by, my nephew's wife would never eat anything and I can't remember a time when they ever stayed more than an hour (usually less). My nephew would occasionally stop by a family gathering alone. Over the course of approx 10 years, I think I've seen my nephew's wife 3-4 times and have never had a one on one conversation.

The whole situation between my nephew and his wife has been dysfunctional. Something is radically wrong, but I don't know my nephew's wife well enough to speculate on what her issues are.  They have had a history of frequent fights. Many times the fights occur on the weekends when they drink alcohol.  They both should abstain from alcoholic beverages, because they can't handle their liquor.  It is hard to fathom why his wife texts or emails my sister offensive messages when she fights with my nephew.  It is strange, because she rarely interacts with my sister in normal situations. 

I didn't want to confuse things, by talking too much about my sister and her BPD actions around me.  My sister seems to be able to control herself in her interactions with friends.  I suspect that she behaves around her DIL, because she want's to see her granddaughter.  Sadly, she rarely gets to see her.

All this can be very confusing.  My sister and I had to work closely on a daily basis for approx. 8 months.  We had to confer and make frequent decisions about my parents failing health, hospitalizations, medical decisions, medical power of attorneys, financial poa's, then funerals  and estate issues.  Before that point in time, I had minimal interaction with my crabby sister and it was easy to talk to her about casual things that we didn't have to agree on.  She turned into a monster when we were forced to try and work together and share in decisions.  My parents must be turning in their graves. I've recently had to limit contact with my sister, as I couldn't tolerate her rages toward me anymore.

Having a BPD relative can be painful and confusing.  It can be even more confusing, when you discover that they don't necessarily exhibit their bad behavior to everyone or to everyone to the same degree.

[Mike-X]

Thank you for posting your story, and welcome to the boards.

I am sorry to hear about your son's decision. Did he give a reason? Can you elaborate on why you suspect his wife is living with BPD?

[whiplashed_mom]

He said that a Facebook comment that my dh made a month ago upset her parents. It snowballed into a huge thing, unbeknownst to us. He said that he and she "forgave" us, but, any more contact would be unwelcome. She has been unfriendly to my daughter who had been friends of the wife before son began dating her. Now dd has a slightly better idea why. He also said we have not been allowing them to form their own family. This is an outrageous comment! I'd like to challenge them as to how I could be any less intrusive into their lives than I have been.

She put us on a pedestal. We were going to be the only ones who could babysit her future children. Now we won't see him, it appears. She has a long trail of rejected relationships, we are just the most recent and perhaps ultimate ones. She told a mutual acquaintance that we didn't need to be the grandparents because, unlike her parents, we had other kids to get grandchildren from.

During the engagement, her parents told us she was very difficult to get along with. Also, has no old friends. She was often quarreling with me, even though I got along with my own mil. She told my son he couldn't talk to me at church the one time he did. Only at our home and, of course, "since we are married, I would be with him." Talks non stop about her problems for hours at a time. Very sensitive about being interrupted. Knows her personality is a big thing. ... .pedestals, easy to offend, rejects person, does not work it out. Insecure, immature, the life of the party, bubbly personality, fools most people into thinking she is delightful. Lies and doesn't seem to see how illogical her statements are.

[Mike-X]

Thanks for the reply. Again, I am sorry that you are going through this.

Up until this recent phone call, how has she been doing with the pregnancy? I am wondering if the stress of pregnancy is affecting her, too.

It also concerns me that he is isolating himself by cutting put valuable members of a support group. Has she shown any dysregulation toward your son that you are aware of? Has he reached out to you with concerns about her behavior in the past?

Have you had a chance to read through any of the lessons on the boards?

[whiplashed_mom]

Just had one of those awful things happen where you type for hours, perfect your writing so it is understood, are just about to send it, and... .somehow hit a key that deletes the whole thing. I hope it was at least therapeutic for me.  :'(       I will look at the lessons.

He is cutting himself off to please her. He cut himself off from a couple friends before this who she was upset with. Seems he has Stockholm syndrome. There have been no secret messages to or from our son. My husband asked them to invite my daughter back to the young adults group that they all met at. She did and dd has gone 4 times, but, dil is very obviously avoiding my daughter, there, and now tells people that this may be her last one, even though they have a while before they might move. So, this seems to be something that she could take offense at, my husband asking her to invite daughter back. We are "not letting them live their own life, establish their own family."

She quit her job as a teacher before the pregnancy, just to be at home. She should be pretty chill, and she seems to have had a very easy pregnancy so far---half way there.

She hasn't yelled at him in front of us, but has shocked me by reprimanding him in front of us for nothing. etc. (This is where I spent most of my time describing what she has been like, but lost.)

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you both for your responses. I will look into the lessons. She is most unsure of her personality, but I don't know if she has abandonment issues. I don't think she actually hurts herself as seen in the videos. So, these things make me not sure she has BPD, but, something ain't right.

[Panda39]

Hi whiplashed_mom

I'm so sorry you going through all of this with your son and DIL. One aspect of BPD is black and white thinking.  There is no gray.  She can't think like the rest of us might about the facebook post.  A normal person might not like the facebook post for whatever reason but we can still like the poster.  She can't do both.  She doesn't like the post, the poster, the family of the poster... .You have all, as we say around here been painted black.

At the center of BPD is the fear of being abandoned add that to the black and white thinking and you get... .  If your son loves you he will eventually leave her for you/your family.  She can't share in her mind it must be her or you she can't get that he can love her and you.

He may be under her spell at the moment but be sure to let your son know that the door is always open and that you and the rest of the family love him.  He may not be listening now but it's important that he know you are there for him.

I'm a member here because my boyfriend has an uBPDxw (Undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and I know that having his family's support in spite of a very chaotic marriage was huge for him.

Hang in there 

[Naughty Nibbler]

WHIPLASHED MOM:

Every time I see a situation that results from social media postings, like Facebook, I'm so glad that I don't use it.  I think it can be especially dangerous around people who have mental issues.  Emotionally healthy individuals can sometimes misinterpret things that are written, so your DIL is likely ultra sensitive about everything.

Just wondering if DIL's parents read the post on their own and became angry or if DIL encouraged them to take offense.  How offensive was the remark?  Seems rather strange that DIL's parents would have such an extreme reaction to one remark (unless mental issues run in DIL's family).

Is the remark something that DH thinks an apology is due for (even if it is an apology to indicate it was a misunderstanding).  Maybe reaching out in some way directly to DIL's parents might be telling as to whether they are the angry ones or if DIL is driving the issue. Maybe a card in the mail to say sorry for the misunderstanding, let's put it behind us.

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you so much for your replies. They are so welcome! Her mom posted a meme about something (she has deleted it and it was over a month ago.) I think it was a silly thing about how people should always________.  My dh who had a 102 fever for a week, and a cough that was keeping him up at night for weeks, not being himself, challenged the statement on her wall. Her husband came in to defend her like she had said it herself. I told my dh he shouldn't have challenged her, since it was the in-laws, etc. I suggested he remove it. He tried to explained himself online, and, he says, apologized right there, and thought that was enough. He thought that was the end of it. He was polite. He just didn't agree with the sentiment. Supposedly this turned her parents against him, our family, our church and I guess put the new son in law in question. As soon as we found out there was a problem, at the same phone call where we were disowned, my husband called and text-ed her parents and left an apology on voice-mail, asking them to return his call. It has been five days and they have not replied. Five long days. He is also writing them and hoping to hand it to them in person since their address is kept secret. His remark on the post that started this all was something like, "So, does this mean that everyone should always _________? "

[Naughty Nibbler]

Whiplashed Mom:

Not clear what the offensive word is, does it end in "uck" ?  If I'm reading things correctly, there appears to be some disparity in morals/values between you/husband and the inlaws (perhaps DIL as well)?

I guess they can post what they want on their own facebook pages, I just wouldn't go there any more if they like to post crude and offensive things.  They probably have unfriended you and your husband by now. Seems rather silly to NOT accept an apology and keep the conflict going.

Hopefully your son will come to his senses soon and stick up for his family.   If he did, this whole thing would probably resolve. 

Sigh, if you could only have approval rights over in-laws.  My sister divorced her husband, but I can remember the fights with the in-laws about the Catholic Church versus Lutheran principles.  The inlaws fought so hard about complying exactly with the Catholic Church (in regard to children), but the inlaws would abuse alcohol consistently and then go to confession.  Didn't make sense.

Give it some more time. 

[whiplashed_mom]

Thanks, Naughty N.  There were no offensive words used by anyone in this case. Neither the meme nor the comment from my husband was vulgar nor "offensive". His response just challenged its truth, resulting in her feeling like he was making her look stupid for posting it, I guess. I left out the words because I don't remember exactly what the topic was. Something nebulous.

Her parents are the ones who try to tell their daughter where to go to church and denigrate the one she chooses, but somehow, supposedly, we are the ones trying to run their lives.

[whiplashed_mom]

The day after this happened I didn't feel much about it. It came at one of the busiest two weeks of the year. I couldn't concentrate on anything for five days, and had a terrible time when I had to teach classes without that needed preparation. If he had just not called, things would have gone on as usual for sometime without us knowing anything was wrong, since we barely communicated anyway. I guess when the baby shower happened something would have come to the surface. Now, that it's been a week, I think I may already be on the 4th stage of grief, if that is possible.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Do all the Inlaws go to church?  if so, might want to send a bible passage their way.

When is the baby due?

[whiplashed_mom]

The baby is due end of the summer.

I looked through all our written communication since their wedding day. Not much there. I also read some of the earlier ones. She'd take the written communication and make a problem out of it, usually by hearing it in the worst tone imaginable, and he would back her up. I quickly learned that written communication didn't work... .either, even less well than calls. Before she came into our lives there were just a lot of friendly emails with the son I once knew. The happy voice came through.

I've only emailed him once this year, and that was to say I was happy they got to hear the baby's heartbeat after she wrote me of it. I also asked to see the wedding photos that I've never seen. I only asked once to see them before this--soon after the wedding.

I have been very careful not interfere in their lives. Yet, interferering is what he accuses me of doing. They admonished us, it was part the pastor's speech at the wedding, yet so obviously coming from her unfounded fears. They admonished us again at the announcement of the baby. It was so maddening since I had carefully said nothing for 20 months! (Even longer if you don't count me having my siblings, who were putting on the rehearsal dinner, which I was hosting, actually come to it.) They have spoiled each of these milestones for me by insulting us. But, they don't know that.

I have not been hinting nor telling them what to do, not even when they have *asked* our opinion. On the other hand, her parents have, at least, aggressively tried to get them to change denominations. I've never called my son since he married--unless it might have been once to see when they were coming over. I was waiting for him to let me know how often we should talk by letting him call me. Apparently we are not to talk at all. There has been almost no communications and none of it has been ugly. I actually stopped calling my son before he got engaged, except for calls regarding the wedding.

If not talking to his mom is okay, then everything was "okay" between us even though we had little to do with each other, until her parents got upset about a Facebook comment. My husband tried to apologize to her parents three ways and left an apology that same hour, but they have not responded ten days later.

I have another son who is single and I have the a great relationship with him... .as of now. I haven't told him about this, at least for now. I wish I'd never been told!

Thanks for your thoughts and comments!

[Panda39]

Have you had a chance to read the "Lessons" links in the box to the right? -------------------------------->

I think the issue with her parents is just being used as an excuse to cut you off from your son if it wasn't that it would have been something else.  As I said before she thinks in black and white and she can't share your son.

There are other things that may be going on.  In the beginning of these relationships there can be a period where your son is idealized by his wife that is incredibly satisfying to the non-BPD partner.  This is short lived but many non's stay to try and recapture that part of the relationship.  Your son may also be in the "FOG" (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) she could be using emotional blackmail to keep him from reaching out to you.  There can be many things going on that are keeping him from reaching out at this time. So like I said before I think it is very important to make sure that he knows you are there for him.  He may be too emotionally entangled to reach out now but be available to him because I believe he eventually will.

You might want to visit some of the other boards and read.  Why are the people on the "Staying Board" staying and what do their relationships look like? Maybe ask them if they have ever been out of contact with their parents, why?, have they reconnected? how were they able to do that?  After you read for a little while you begin to see that there are some patterns.  Maybe visit the "Parenting a Child with BPD Board"  what are the tools they use when working with their children that might translate to your DIL. 

You can even click on the Glossary tab above to get further information.

You can do what you can to facilitate a relationship with your son and DIL but you can only control you and what you do.  It will be up to your son to come around on his own.  This may be a case of waiting for him to come to you.  Don't give up on him.

[Panda39]

... .Also read about BPD there are many books on the subject.  We have some book reviews here but I just want to my library and read everything I could.  "Walking on Eggshells" is a good book to start with.  I believe knowledge is power, the more you know the more you will understand your son's situation.

Also at some point you might think about therapy for yourself... .talk to someone that understands Personality Disorders.  Therapy is a good way to get support and coping skills.

Okay I'll let someone else talk now! 

Panda39

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you so much, Panda!  I appreciate you taking the time for me.

Just a few weeks ago my son answered that one email by apologizing for taking so long to Photoshop the wedding photos, which I've never seen. He said he hoped to let the mothers see them by Mother's Day. I've haven't communicated with him since then, except for his phone call about cutting us out of his life. Mother's Day came and went and I never heard from him. He also blocked me from seeing anything on Facebook--which he rarely posted on anyway, and which I never posted on his wall, or photos, or anything they were connected with.

It's a small university town and people keep asking how excited I am about the grandchild.

Panda, you don't need to reply. Thanks again!