Hi K1313
My mother has done a couple things you've described, though in more of a round about way. Suggesting allowing my animals indoors is "unhealthy" (or dirty) as she sweeps my floors several times a day when she visits. Kills two birds with one stone in essence in relation to your examples.
I've been practicing using the DEARMAN technique and it's helped.
D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.
D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.
E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.
M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.
A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.
N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?
This has helped me with emotionally distancing myself a bit since I know disordered behaviors have been at play. I remind myself this behavior is in relation to disordered behavior and not to take it personally. I have to add that both of us are disordered, PTSD
is a disorder so both of us (my mother and myself since I have been diagnosed with PTSD) are vulnerable to disordered reactions. Nevertheless, this part alone takes practice because it creates anxiety when I didn't know what to say, it made me fidget.
In your example:
BPDmother: When [insert name of his family] visit, how often do they come to your house? How often do you see them when they're there?
Me: Oh... .I don't know. I mean his family is different about that stuff.
BPDmother: What about [insert name of a good friend of mine that she has resentment towards]? Does she stay in a hotel or with you?
Me: Uh... .I dunno... .*frantic attempt to change conversation*This type of questioning would make me feel like I was being interrogated.
D- Mom when you question me about my H family,
E- I feel like you are interrogating me and it makes me uncomfortable, puts me on edge, distracts from the conversation, (insert what you feel), etc... .
A- I'd like to (insert whatever you are trying do instead, have a nice conversation about positive things going on in her life, go to lunch during one of her visits, etc... .)
R- It makes me happy to know you are... .or we can... .(see each other when you're in town, have positive conversations, etc... .)
M- Sometimes silence works here for me, I wait for her response. I can't read her mind and know what she's going to say so I have to stay mindful and use active listening. I respond to what she says, not what I think she's going to say.
A- I think this works with the M to a certain degree. (i'm still working on this technique myself) This would depend on what is said next. Staying mindful of your boundary (whatever that may be), staying focused and redirecting back to the issue at hand if necessary.
N- You could reiterate your boundary on not wanting to discuss your H's family visits, that it distracts from your conversations or visits with her and those are important to you.
Of course tailoring this technique to any conversation may be helpful for future conversations. What are your thoughts?
I went NC recently as I was back in the FOG, back to my old role in my r/s with my mother so to speak. I needed to regain my bearings, back out of the FOG and have since started taking and making phone calls. I want contact and I want it to be healthier on my side, I can't control her side but I can express how it affects me when needed.
I can totally relate to the guilt of our mothers being older, that's really difficult. Which is why I want to practice my own self control on my reactions to the guilt trips, internal and external.
Honesty is important to me as well, I want to be able to use these skills to extend my compassion and be capable of speaking my truth at the same time. It's hard work but, for me and in my situation, it's worth it. It gives me confidence to speak my truth and not be so focused on carrying her emotions totally or better said being completely dependent on her being ok to
be ok myself. I can be caring without being enmeshed.
