Still here

[maxsterling]

I think that is why I haven't filed a police report.  A police report would likely end her life.  She literally told me so.  It would either mean another suicide attempt, or a very likely (possibly very long term) hospitalization.  She'd NEVER be capable of taking care of herself again.  I just can't get my brain in that place right now.  But I am glad that there is a record of the police being there, of her attempting suicide, of me reporting that I was hit, of her being combative in the hospital, and should be record from our MC of her talking of suicide, and the opinion of both her hospital P and her outside P suggesting she be on anti-psychotic medications.   In that sense, I feel there is at least some record that something happened so it is not completely my word and her word as it was the last time.

Today I am going to download all the photos I took of my bruises and save them to my work computer (a place safe from her).  I'm also going to download and probably start to fill out the marriage annulment information (again to my work computer) - not that I am ready for that step, but I think I need the heads up and the preparation for what may be involved.  I've told my boss what is going on, and she is understanding.  So I don't feel like I am keeping secrets. 

Last night my wife went to bed about 9:15.   I told her I would stay up for a little bit because there were a few things I still wanted to do.  But, I wound up falling asleep in front of the tv about 10pm.  About midnight, she came out to wake me, screaming, how I had left the back door unlocked, left the TV blaring, and was in general irresponsible.  I got all the "I hate you's" and the whole 9 yards.  I tried to then go to bed with her, apologized, but she kept at it.  Eventually went back to the sofa to sleep.  She was still fuming this morning.

Really it's not about me falling asleep in front of the TV. NO RATIONAL ADULT WOULD BE THAT UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I think that is why I haven't filed a police report.  A police report would likely end her life.  She literally told me so.  It would either mean another suicide attempt, or a very likely (possibly very long term) hospitalization.  She'd NEVER be capable of taking care of herself again.  I just can't get my brain in that place right now. 

Max,

I hope that you can separate your decisions... .from her attempts to end her life.  It appears that she has successfully made you and your decisions responsible for her life.  That is a heavy burden to bear when you are trying to make decisions.

Is that a burden you should be bearing?

I'm not following long term hospitalization and never being able to take care of herself.

I'm not seeing guarantees either way.  Is there something I'm missing?

I'm glad you are feeling open with work... .your boss.  Is there anyone else you think you should be opening up to?

FF

H

[maxsterling]

Good questions, FF.

Basically, she told me "her life would be over" if I pressed charges, yet in the same breath recognized that I could press charges if I wanted to.   And it would be over.  Despite her claims that she has always taken care of herself, that's not really true.  She's not capable of working, and never has.  Her $1200 per month disability check won't get her far.  And Medicaid won't get her the psych help she needs.  She's alienated herself from most family, and those that she hasn't would probably tire of her quickly.  She has one friend she could probably live with, but my feeling is that without me 75% chance she is either dead, permanently in a hospital, or on the street in 2 years.  She recently had one more cousin tell her she wanted no more contact, plus one more friend do the same.  this morning she was crying in my arms that she needed me.  She couldn't not even feed herself... .

This isn't one of these cases where I let her go and she finds a way to stand on her own feet.  I've learned recently that she was not even doing that before she met me.  No, it's not a burden I should be bearing.  But it is a burden I will bear until I can help her figure something else out.

As for other resources - other men in alanon have been a lifesaver.

[formflier]

 

I think there are options in between... .life over... .and her staying the same.

If you press charges... .is marriage over?  I don't see that... .

That could be more leverage that you need... .that she needs... .

So... .did you go to the P appointment? 

Somehow... .there has to be some intensive hospital or day treatment... .to stabilize her... .before the real work begins.

FF

[Verbena]

Max, what a mess you are in.  Everything seems to be resting on you to save her from herself.  Is there any way she could be committed against her will?  What would that take?  Do her doctors realize just how serious the situation is?  How bad does it have to get before someone who has the authority to do so will take some action to get her some long-term care? 

I know that's a lot of questions.  I just think you cannot keep doing what you're doing.  She will little by little destroy you, despite your efforts to take care of yourself. 

[maxsterling]

My feeling is that if I press charges - 99.99% likely the marriage will be over, and >95% chance her life will be over, either figuratively or literally.  As much as I see her as a resilient and strong person, I see NOTHING else she has to build from right now.  She even told me the other night that before she met me she was engaging in risky behavior in hopes she would be murdered  :'(

Verbena - here's my hope.  We met with an OBGYN as a pre-conception appointment the other day. I initially did not want to go, but then I realized that ANY doctor visit would be good for her.  OBGYN told her flat out she needs to be stable - medicine or no medicine.  OBGYS said she would contact her P and discuss medicine options.  W was open with OBGYN about recent suicide attempt.  P and MC are friends, as are P and her T.  My hope is amongst all of them they discuss her case and they basically do an intervention - tell her she needs very serious help.  She does.  She got into a verbal argument with her T the other day.  I also called MC (who is on vacation) let MC know what was going on, that everyone is advising me to press domestic violence charges, and that I was not sure what to do and needed advice.  MC hasn't called back yet, but SOMETHING has to give here.   

I read many stories on here, and I am coming to the conclusion that my wife is at the very severe end of the BPD spectrum. 

[maxsterling]

I called a domestic violence advocacy group for men... .  I think that was a good thing to do.

[Notwendy]

Max I am sharing my story as a case of one. It may or may not apply to your wife, so make your best decision about that. We kids witnessed a couple of mom's suicide attempts, but they were handled quickly and my parents acted as if it never happened.  Mom did a good job of pretending she was fine, but we knew otherwise. We didn't think she could function on her own, or hold a job. One difference was that my father had financial resources and she didn't need to.

When dad died, we had all the fears you have about your wife. Dad had enough resources for them, and later her, to have help staying at home. However, since she seemed to need Dad's constant attention, we didn't think she would be able to stay on her own without someone monitoring her 24/7 like he did. We feared she would harm herself.

However, we made a different decision. Now, we don't want anything to happen to her, but none of us can monitor her 24/7- we have our own families, jobs. We chose to love her and care about her in a different way. We also realized that if she wanted to live on her own, she had to show that she could be responsible for her well being, and if she could not be, we would have her evaluated, assume power of attorney, and arrange for her to have round the clock medical care. Since we don't live close enough to help her immediately, we would call 911 if we had any fears whatsoever.

I don't dismiss suicide threats, and so we would not hesitate to call help for her. She knows we care about her, but she also knows exactly what we would do- and we consider it a miracle but she has not ( thank goodness) made any threats. This makes me wonder if my father's constant attention in some way was a secondary gain, and the fact that she knows we can not do this is a deterrent as she does not want that much medical supervision, but if she needed it, we would do what we can to make sure she gets it.

I know that you need to make the best decision for you and your wife, but if she is that unstable - is there anyway to get more medical care/supervision for her? Can you have her hospitalized if you fear she is unstable?

[KateCat]

Wow, Max, you are getting some synergy going!  And look at all the documentation and professional following you already have.

It looks as though you are already not alone anymore. Bravo, Max.

[Notwendy]

Wow, Max, you are getting some synergy going!  And look at all the documentation and professional following you already have.

It looks as though you are already not alone anymore. Bravo, Max.

I agree Max, it is good that you are seeking professional help and also spoke to the police. I hope that this leads to the right help for your wife... .and you.

[KateCat]

Maybe you will be able to find the path to having some of the legal powers that Notwendy has mentioned: power of attorney, legal guardianship of a vulnerable adult, or whatever might be most appropriate to your situation. It's kind of hard to see how you go forward from here without the power of court documents supporting you so that things aren't chaotic and police-involved.

I can't believe you wouldn't have a strong case and many people, both family and mental health professionals, backing you up in this type of effort to protect your wife and obtain services for her.

[maxsterling]

I did call two domestic violence advocacy places for men.  Waiting to hear back.  I think that is a good step.  Alanon was helpful again last night.  Really truly was.  Tomorrow is my P appointment, may take the whole day off (in secret)

I feel like I am taking a risk because of recent serious dysregulations, but taking a camping trip with W this weekend.  We won't be too far from civilization, just in case.  But I am that far gone - worried about the screaming during the car ride. 

I'm slowly, every so slowly coming to the realization this is not just BPD, but a good chunk of PTSD, and a bad case of both of them.  She goes to P today, and P again tomorrow.  Both think she should be on anti-psychotic meds.  Not sure if I disagree.  Some times, she's fine, but other times, she's overly anxious and freaking out because she lost her hair tie.

My garden is growing well. Giving me  peace.

[Verbena]

Max, I've read several of your posts about your wife screaming at you while you are driving.  I've read posts where you said she can scream for hours.  That's really scary and not safe at all. 

Is there any way to let her know you won't tolerate that and have a plan to stop it?  I don't know what that would be if you are trapped on a freeway with her, but it's just not acceptable in my book and you don't deserve that. 

Also, I know you've said you are trying to document her behavior better.  Could you record some of these screaming episodes?  I really hope it doesn't happen, but any documentation you could gather might help her doctors get a clearer picture of what is going on and fascilitate this intervention you spoke of.