Breaking NC in order to file divorce

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I don't post much on here these days but wanted to give an update with my situation. I've been separated from my uBPDWife since December 2014. I have struggled to live on my own, make ends meet, and save up for divorce but I have managed somehow! I finally got all the money together that I need now and will be filing within the next couple weeks. Just waiting to hear back from my attorney on when/how to start the process.

There are a lot of mixed emotions stirring inside of me now that the divorce is becoming a reality. Primarily though, I'm feeling relieved that this is the beginning of the end. The other dominant emotion is fear (of my wife's erratic and unpredictable behavior when she is upset or angry at me). I have been completely no contact with her since February and it has been really, really nice. I'm dreading having to contact her now to let her know I am filing and where to send the divorce papers to. I asked her for her new address in December so that I could have her mail forwarded to her, but she absolutely refused, saying that I only wanted her address to stalk her!   

I've considered having her served at work. However, we all know what sort of rage that could elicit from the possible (perceived) public humiliation that could be induced. I've been advised so far by my attorney not to meet her in public or talk with her on the phone since she would likely misrepresent anything said between us. All communication is to be through postal mail or e-mail. I think that's the best advice I've gotten so far. Anyways! Meeting her in person to give divorce papers is out of the question.

What do you all think I should do?

[ATLandon]

So I don't post much on here these days but wanted to give an update with my situation. I've been separated from my uBPDWife since December 2014. I have struggled to live on my own, make ends meet, and save up for divorce but I have managed somehow! I finally got all the money together that I need now and will be filing within the next couple weeks. Just waiting to hear back from my attorney on when/how to start the process.

There are a lot of mixed emotions stirring inside of me now that the divorce is becoming a reality. Primarily though, I'm feeling relieved that this is the beginning of the end. The other dominant emotion is fear (of my wife's erratic and unpredictable behavior when she is upset or angry at me). I have been completely no contact with her since February and it has been really, really nice. I'm dreading having to contact her now to let her know I am filing and where to send the divorce papers to. I asked her for her new address in December so that I could have her mail forwarded to her, but she absolutely refused, saying that I only wanted her address to stalk her!   

I've considered having her served at work. However, we all know what sort of rage that could elicit from the possible (perceived) public humiliation that could be induced. I've been advised so far by my attorney not to meet her in public or talk with her on the phone since she would likely misrepresent anything said between us. All communication is to be through postal mail or e-mail. I think that's the best advice I've gotten so far. Anyways! Meeting her in person to give divorce papers is out of the question.

What do you all think I should do?

[livednlearned]

Can you look up her address information online? I think it's considerate to try and avoid serving at work. Maybe make an attempt to have her served at her most recent address? If you can find it online. Where I live, you can have a sheriff serve someone, or hire a process server. Both of them charge a fee, if I remember correctly, for each attempt.

I understand the feeling of dread you describe. I think it goes away but does take some time.

[catnap]

Ask your attorney if the sheriff's department would check and see if she did a change of address (required by law where I live) on her driver's license and use that address to serve her. 


If that not an option or she hasn't changed her DL to reflect a new address, you can hire a private process server--handy since you can arrange the time and place.  Since you know her work address, she could be served after work in the parking lot.  She can then choose to make a scene or not.  Another alternative might be do have her called to the human resource department at the end of the day and be served there. 

[ForeverDad]

If you serve her, she could claim she was never served and delay the case or even force a re-serve.

If a professional (sheriff deputy, process server, etc) serves her, she really can't contest service, though she may try anyway.

I know you're not contemplating doing it yourself, but I listed the above to demonstrate there are some things the professionals are trusted to do that you're not recognized at the same level.

[Waddams]

If you can find her current address without contacting her, I'd do that.  Then just have her served.  If you can't contact her, there are alternative means I'm sure your lawyer can walk you through. 

Sometimes our own impulse to take the high road, do things the right way, etc. only lead to getting ourselves into compromising positions when dealing with pwPD's.  Self-preservation and protection is our first responsibility to ourselves.  Your STBX has well established that she is a person that can and will hurt you given the chance.  We don't have to expose ourselves to the risks associated with contact simply to be good and nice people.  It's okay to not contact her, tell her you're filing, etc. because you're allowed to put your needs for protecting your own well being first.

Good luck, and hopefully the divorce sails through smoothly. 

[Panda39]

Another alternative might be do have her called to the human resource department at the end of the day and be served there. 

I work in Human Resources and where I work Process Servers are directed to us and we contact the employee if they are working and ask them to come to Human Resources and we let the process server and employee breifly use an office so the employee has privacy when being served. It is not uncommon for process servers to come to my work.

I'm sure every employer handles this slightly differently but it should be handled professionally.

Quite frankly since she refuses to give you her current address I would just serve her at work... .she didn't leave you a choice and most definately use a sheriff or professional process server to take it to her.  You should absolutely not be the one to deliver the paperwork it would most likely be triggering for both of you, could cause confrontation and like others have said she could deny ever receiving the info.

[Waddams]

Quite frankly since she refuses to give you her current address I would just serve her at work... .she didn't leave you a choice and most definately use a sheriff or professional process server to take it to her.  You should absolutely not be the one to deliver the paperwork it would most likely be triggering for both of you, could cause confrontation and like others have said she could deny ever receiving the info.

Protecting her feelings, not embarrassing her at work, etc. - it's not your problem.  She's made it so you can only serve her at work without having to become a detective and figure out where she went.  Why bother with all the extra effort?  You need to get her served.  Period.  You can do it at her work, it's simplest for you and quickest.  Consider your needs first.  If she reacts badly, you can hang up the phone, not answer, ignore texts, block her, etc.

Sometimes, it's okay to let your "inner a$$hole" out of his cage.  He's there for a reason.  He does the dirty work that needs to be done to protect you.  Remember, she won't treat you with dignity and respect like you will towards her.  That will end up putting you at a disadvantage.  Protect yourself and your interests first.  If she has created circumstances where it leads to something like her being embarrassed by being served at work, that's her consequences and not your problem.

[ATLandon]

Thanks for all the input everyone! I was hoping there might be some other alternative to having her served by a Sheriff or process server since I'm living paycheck to paycheck these days but its probably worth the money to cover my own hide and leave a paper trail with a neutral third party. A mutual friend told me that the guy she cheated on me with is already looking to propose to her. I'm hoping she wants the same and will be willing to get through the divorce quickly and painlessly because of that. Then again, I know better than to hold my breath on anything with her. Anyways! Thanks a million!

[Waddams]

The Sheriff here only charges something like $25 to serve someone.  It might not be very expensive.

[livednlearned]

At least in NY, it's legal to serve divorce papers via Facebook. I don't know if that's applicable in your state?

www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2015/04/09/divorce-papers-can-be-served-via-facebook-n-y-court-rules-if-thats-the-best-practical-alternative/