For people that are NC

[Ready4Peace]

I have been thinking a lot about how far I have come in the 8 years I have been NC with my BPD mother because my sister is currently trying to go NC and struggling. I don't give her advice on what to do- as it is a personal choice- I just try to be supportive and understand how difficult this is for her so I thought I would post here and ask about the challenging and positive aspects of NC.

For those that are NC what were the hardest things to accept about your the BPD person in your life once you went NC? What were some of the challenges? What were some of the positive outcomes?

Hardest to accept- that my mother is not capable of loving anyone the way I understand love- she can not nurture, support, understand or care about the well being of anyone in her life and that will never change

                           letting go of the hope that we would ever have a "normal" relationship

                           that my own mother could be so cruel and malicious

Challenges- other family members that couldn't understand and tried to pressure me into maintaining contact

                  attending the same family functions- although she stopped attending after 2 years of NC because she could not charm me back in

                  feelings of guilt in abandoning her

Positives- calm in my life

               I was able to focus on my needs instead of so much time and energy on hers leading to being better physically and mentally

               no more abuse leading to a stronger sense of self worth

               

[greencloak]

Thank you for your post.  It was so reassuring to read it.   I have am newly NC with a step mother and still trying to navigate my mixed emotions about it.  

One of the biggest challenges for me is the pressure I feel from my family and friends of the family who do not understand the pain my step mother has caused me.  She is an extremely high functioning woman with BPD.  There are only a few of us who have been exposed to the deep pain she can inflict! 

[happykiwi]

I too would like to say cheers for your post.  It gives me hope and I look forward to having calm and moving forward with out any drama and toxic energy in my life 

[ShieldsUp12]

Great idea, Ready!

For those that are NC what were the hardest things to accept about your the BPD person in your life once you went NC?

That most everything I had been conditioned to accept as normal were not normal behaviors. That the person who I thought loved me is not really capable of love as it is for non-BPD people and is really more about control. That one was really hard for me, as I think I also took on aspects of her idea of what love was. That my worst fears, things I knew to be true but lived in denial for so long, about her ability to lie, steal and manipulate even towards her own daughter, were true. That it really wasn't everyone else with the problem.

What were some of the challenges? Resisting the FOG, often self-induced. Feeling extraordinary sadness and anger over the situation. Denial - Maybe I'm imagining all of this? I am kind of upset with myself for falling for the FOG again recently, and accepting her judgment of me as "truth." What it showed to me though, is that I need to do more work on myself. I want to be stronger than this, and I think while the NC was extremely helpful in greatly reducing my enmeshed thoughts and co-dependence, I also fell into too long of a spell of "running away" from my problems. I thought that because she wasn't in my life anymore, there was nothing to worry about. That was a mistake, as people who have survived a relationship with N/BPD have a lot of learned behaviors, thought patterns and responses in addition to pent up anger/grief that needs to be worked through.



What were some of the positive outcomes? Gaining some REAL perspective on what was going on. Reducing enmeshment.  I no longer feel guilty for enjoying my life. It was getting so bad that even taking a vacation would make me feel horrible for the entire trip. I am moving forward with my own life goals, realizing that my fear of how she would react severely impacted my ability to reach for success, because it might induce tears, rage, jealousy and retribution. She was also always trying to hop into whatever it was I was trying to do and make it her own, which at least I had the good sense to avoid. I'm certain my marriage has remained intact because of NC with her, as well. She has a pattern of liking people and then twisting me (sometimes even herself) against them, no matter who they are, and creating drama where there is none to break people apart. The only boyfriend she kept imploring me to "work things out with" was an abusive, arrogant person. Go figure.

[claudiaduffy]

For those that are NC what were the hardest things to accept about your the BPD person in your life once you went NC? What were some of the challenges? What were some of the positive outcomes?

Hardest things to accept - that no matter how strong our fences are, we can't keep her (uBPDmil) from knocking on them and crying. She may never stop trying. And having external boundaries can't keep us from having bad dreams about her, either.

Challenges - dealing with other loved ones (particularly my own uBPDmom) who are still in contact with uBPDmil, who want to know all our reasons for going NC. Some of them we don't answer, because it's just not their business or because they're unhealthy enough to use the information against us (looking at you, mom.) Some of them we answer fully but briefly. We are not interested in duplicating the full-scale character defamation attacks that have been lobbied against us.

Positive outcomes - increased health! Lower blood pressure! More joy! Growing sense of right of authority over our own decisions! No longer fear of what our choices might spark!

[Tiredbride313]

For those that are NC what were the hardest things to accept about your the BPD person in your life once you went NC? What were some of the challenges? What were some of the positive outcomes?

Great topic and one that I've been reflecting upon a lot lately! I may even take this list to my next T appointment.

Hardest things to accept: That I will never have the "normal" parents that my DH and friends have - the ones who care about their children's well-being and happiness above all else and are proud to see their children lead independent lives that are fulfilling. There will be no inviting them over for dinner or celebrating holidays together. Also coming to the realization that what I thought were normal parental behaviors for 30+ years were not. What I thought was their love was really control. The fact that the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally thought of me only as "the daughter", someone whose only role is to meet their unrealistic expectations and be their personal doormat/punching bag. According to them, I am not entitled to a life of my own. I thought my happiness and well-being were important to them, until I found out so painfully and clearly that their only priority is them and upholding their fake image of a "perfect family".  They have no problem make everyone else's lives a living hell to get their way.

Challenges: Dealing with the anxiety that comes whenever they try to contact me. It's been getting better with time, but I wish I could just relax and not worry about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Holidays such at Mother's Day and Father's Day are difficult. I stay off Facebook on those days because it hurts to see other people post wonderful tributes and pictures to their parents. Well-meaning people asking me if there's any change with my parents or if I've spoken to them. The answer is no and will always be no - they are beyond reasoning and communicating with. It's so difficult to explain this to people who come from supportive, loving families. They don't understand and thankfully never will. I just made a decision to request that people not ask me about them or in the case of any mutual contacts, to not share any information with me that they may learn about them. I don't need to know. There's no benefit.

Positive Outcomes: There are so many, I don't even know where to start. An overall sense of peace in my life. Not having to worry about walking on eggshells and wondering when the next outburst or rage is going to happen. Not having to find time in my day to call uBPD mother 3 times a day every day to be her therapist or listen to her judge and criticize people she supposedly called "friends". Not having that frustrated feeling where I would try to have a conversation with uNPD father, only to have him stare right through me and not listen to a word I said. Not having to worry about them constantly interfering in my marriage. Better health, having a sense of independence and freedom and being able to establish myself as an individual rather than as an extension of them.  I now make decisions based on what works for me and my DH, and not worrying about what they will think. I can make choices and state my opinions without worrying about retaliation or backlash. They have never stepped foot in my new home - it's a refuge and a place filled with love and no negative energy from them.  Surrounding myself with my chosen family - where there is a mutual sense of support, love, nurturing, and friendship.

[ShieldsUp12]

TiredBride:

Challenges:  :)ealing with the anxiety that comes whenever they try to contact me. It's been getting better with time, but I wish I could just relax and not worry about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Holidays such at Mother's Day and Father's Day are difficult. I stay off Facebook on those days because it hurts to see other people post wonderful tributes and pictures to their parents. Well-meaning people asking me if there's any change with my parents or if I've spoken to them. The answer is no and will always be no - they are beyond reasoning and communicating with. It's so difficult to explain this to people who come from supportive, loving families. They don't understand and thankfully never will.  

Just felt like saying I can relate to all of this here.   I'm still struggling with anxiety, and just now read up on Emotional Flashbacks. I think it's at the top of the thread here, from Kwamina. It was a very helpful piece of information and I'm hoping it will give me better skills to cope with the confusion and pain I feel from this. You might want to read up on that.