uNPD/uBPD mom hates that my sister and I are close - eh?

[Sofie]

Having read a lot about BPD and NPD in recent years and gotten amazing insights from people on this board, I feel that there are many of my uNPD/BPD mother's traits I have come to understand. There is one, though, which to this day puzzles me: My mother detests - absolutely DETESTS - when my sister and I spend time together or show each other affection in any way. Growing up, my sister and I didn't have a very close relationship - there was never any animosity, but as she is seven years older than I am, which means a lot growing up, and that we have always been very different as far as interests, careers, and lifestyle choices go, we have just never had much in common.

The older we have become, the closer our bond is getting, though. We live in different cities quite far apart, but visit each other a few times a year, celebrate Christmas together and are in touch frequently on the phone and email.

For some reason, though, uBPD/NPD mom goes off the rails whenever we spend time together and she is not with us - she calls, text messages constantly, and throws hissy fits for attention. I have really, really got the feeling that she does not like that my sister and I have got a good relationship. I mean, any "normal" parent would be thrilled to have adult kids who get along, right?

So, my sister's birthday is coming up, and I got her a present which happens to be rather expensive. The cost of the item is not at all important, what matters is that it a very personal gift, which I know my sister will absolutely love. It's just RIGHT for her. Talking to uNPD/BPD mom today, I told her what I have gotten my sister and she just completely lost it, shouting at me on the phone that I shouldn't buy such an expensive thing for my sister. When I asked, "Why not?", her reply was, "She's not worth that kind of money." Imagine saying that about your own child!  (Sorry, now I am just venting.)

Anyhow, I was curious to hear whether any of you have the same experiences of having a mother who dislikes closeness and companionship between you and your sibling(s)? What is at stake here?

[Panda39]

It's great to hear what a nice relationship has developed between you and your sister 

I'm only speculating but my guess is fear of abandonment (jealousy) with some black and white thinking thrown in.  She might be afraid that you will become so close to your sister that she will be left out.  Black and white thinking in terms of you can't love your sister and love her at the same time in her mind.

I don't know your history but splitting could be happening here too.  You all good daughter and your sister all bad.

[Sofie]

I don't know your history but splitting could be happening here too.  You all good daughter and your sister all bad.

Thank you for you nice reply, Panda39. Hmmm, you might be on to something here. I am definitely the "golden child" and my sister the "scapegoat." I was a straight A student and run my own succesful company, my sister is a slightly dyslexic soccer mom, and my mother never misses a chance to tell any of us how disappointed she is that my sister never "achieved more in life." I feel somewhat ashamed that I didn't see this dynamic between us earlier in life, because it's just so unfair to my sister. She has raised some great kids, has a great marriage, good friends and a quiet life that suits her. No, it would not be a life for me, but, hey, she's living a life which seems healthy and happy which is more than many people can say.

Hmmm, maybe I am just shying away from the thought that uNPD/uBPD mom wants to keep us apart in order for the golden child/scapegoat balance to stay intact.

[ViaCrusis1689]

It's great to hear what a nice relationship has developed between you and your sister 

I'm only speculating but my guess is fear of abandonment (jealousy) with some black and white thinking thrown in.  She might be afraid that you will become so close to your sister that she will be left out.  Black and white thinking in terms of you can't love your sister and love her at the same time in her mind.

I don't know your history but splitting could be happening here too.  You all good daughter and your sister all bad.

I agree with this. Also, your mom might be mad that your actions and relationship with your sister does not fit the narrative she desperately wants to maintain. It is making her see the irrationality of her actions/beliefs, and she will refuse to acknowledge this, thus the rage. Just my theory, could be totally off base with this.

I can't say my mom has an issue with the relationships I have with my sisters as she doesn't really know about our contact levels and what we discuss (her, a lot). But she has always been jealous that we are all closer to our dad and give him more hugs, etc., than her. Well, yeah, dad wasn't totally unpredictable and the "safe" parent.

I would not tell her anything about the relationship with your sister to her; I don't think she'll ever accept that you two are close. It's just not worth dealing with the drama.

I wish you the best... .

[educator]

I mean, any "normal" parent would be thrilled to have adult kids who get along, right?

Yes... .I think most parents would be very happy their adult children get along.  My MIL is uBPD/unpd and has caused issues for DH and BIL for years.  BIL is the GC and DH is the scapegoat.  It is pretty horrific.

Anyhow, I was curious to hear whether any of you have the same experiences of having a mother who dislikes closeness and companionship between you and your sibling(s)? What is at stake here?

I've seen my MIL turn BIL against DH.  As a result, they don't have a good r/s.  Now that BIL has a GF, it seems like things are a bit different.  I would say that as long as you work on the r/s with your sister and keep your mom out of it, you can have a good r/s with her.  My MIL has this us against them mentality.  So, if she's mad at DH or I, then the entire world has to be mad at us.  So, for years, she would essentially harass BIL to not come to our house when he visited, to stay away from me, etc.  BIL and DH sort of just cave to MIL to appease her, so for years, they haven't had much of a r/s.  So, what I would see at stake here, is if your mom asks you to choose her over your sister.  MIL would also text and call whenever BIL was over our house to ask him when he's coming home, that dinner is ready soon, etc.  It was a blessing when BIL's phone died last time he came to our house.  Sounds like you guys do a good job of hanging out regardless of what your mom says though and I think that's a good thing.  If she keeps bugging you, I'd shut the phones off. 

[Boxernanna]

My uBPD mother hates that my bother and I have grown closer after all these years, because it has cost her some control over us. She raised us to be extremely competitive of each other. We were like puppies fighting over that rare scrap of love she threw us. We alternated being the good child/bad child in her game of manipulation. We despised one another for years.

Later I learned about different psychological disorders in my training and quickly recognized my mother's. I also began to understand my brother's passive aggressive moodiness. Since it was obvious to me neither my brother or I would ever marry and have families of our own, I realized we would only have each other as family one day. I began to make changes in my relationship with him. I became the exact opposite of my mother: no bossing, no criticism, no unsolicited advice or opinions, no judgements, no manipulation/control. I was that listening ear he needed. He responded and we became closer.

When my mother realized the change in her children's relationship, she tried to exploit it. My passive-aggressive brother had stubbornly shut out her constant nagging advice and it angered her that he sought my advice and listened to it. She would call me up to demand that I tell him to do this or do that. It was at that time I set my very first boundary with my mother.  I told her I had no intention of telling my brother anything, unless he solicited my advice. I told her to stop trying to use me to manipulate him. I became a very bad person and was painted black in her eyes.

My brother is still enmeshed and under her control, but that control becomes slightly weaker as time passes. I have educated my brother about BPD/NPD and provided him with books to read. My mother is very aware that I do everything I can to lessen her control over my brother.  She resents her children's new relationship and is elated, when we have our occasional differences. United we stand, divided we fall... .to her. That is how she sees it.