So I broke up with my uBPDbf recently and am finding it very difficult.
I have spent alot of time reflecting on the relationship thinking about what I could have done to make things better. I feel like I have failed him and left him when he needs me the most. But at the same time I remember his abusive words to insult me and accuse me of things. I remember if I said I was unhappy or something he would tell me I was being moody and making him miserable and worse words...
I will share my experience.
I too, wondered what I could have done. And I tried everything in the book, +3.
It was, and would never be, enough.
I was not allowed to have 'emotions'. I was not allowed to be sad, have a bad day, God forbid I get frustrated over ANYTHING... .My job was to be a 'cheerleader'. Just do what he wanted, whatever that was, so that he was always happy. My feelings, my needs; they didn't matter.
Yes, I was abused.
There are few things that go on my in my head...
1. I feel I need to get validation and confirmation from people that his behaviour was unacceptable and not my fault/to be blamed for it (not just the example above, alot of things) Is it common to feel this way?
Yes, it is common.
I chased this for a long time... .to the point it made ME look crazy.
He was Mr. Wonderful 'on stage'... .no one outside the 4 walls of the home saw who he really was.
Finally, I just quit caring who 'knew the truth'.
I know the truth. God knows the truth. My kids know the truth.
I simply don't care about everyone else.
After 25 years of marriage, it took me 4 years to get to the "I simply don't care" place.
2. In the first 9 months or so he went through stages of being physically and verbally affectionate and times when he just seemed different... .it is hard to explain. It was like he was completely cold and uninterested and didnt really recognise him because he seemed like a different person. Not even painting me black but it just felt like he was a different person. Did anyone else experience this?
I was fooled for 21 years. I had learned how to 'not make him moody'... .moment by moment damage control.
After we 'reconciled'... .yes, he was like Jeykel and Hyde. No matter how much I gave, it was never enough.
When his mask fell off, the true monster was revealed, and no matter how many times he tried to put the mask on, his monster showed through... .
In the last few months he painted me black and said how I was never nice to him in the whole relationship but logically thinks I have a alot going for me... .yet he is really angry at me for him now being lonely and "seeing other people" (im not)
I am blamed for everything... .
He'll say "yes, I had an affair, and it was wrong and I regret it, but... ."
Then he'd very covertly blame me for ALL of his bad decisions.
Nothing ever was, or ever will be 'his fault'.
Finally, since a couple of weeks ago in the break up I feel scared of him and he just looks different when I think of him. Sort of like he is a stranger and I don't even know who he is.
For me? Same thing; only I came to realize this IS who he IS... .I was living a lie, loving what he 'pretended' to be. This was enormously helpful in finally stopping all of the sadness and 'remembering the good times'... .because they were all a lie.
And even after I made it clear and told him several times I am leaving. He accuses me of thinga and swears at me. I see in my blocked messages folder he has asked me today what im up to tomorrow. Like nothing has happened! I dont get it?
Mine would say and do the most horrible disgusting things; then act like nothing happened.
AND if I DARED to want to talk about it? The silent treatment was heavily applied... .and lasted until I 'let it go' and 'forgot' it ever happened... .
