Help

[Allmessedup]

my dxBPD gf is massively dysregulated currently.  She has decided she wishes to be done with a relationship as partners permenantly.   However she wishes to be friends.  Sigh

She however will not explain what that looks like to her.  She has refused to discuss why other than she only she does not have the physical energy required of it.

This has come up before.  This in fact was the issue that broke us up the last time.  In that case it was very much that she felt she could not meet my needs in her mind.  In my mind she could of course. 

Initially I said hell no.  And that was my mistake.  She has shut down and told me to think over what my real answer would be after I said I spoke in anger. She is asking what I would expect from such a friendship but he'll if I know?  I feel very much caught in a catch 22.  She won't tell me what she expects.  What defines intimacy to her?  Is it intimatcy in a sexual form, intimate touch, intimate conversation? 

I know she is terrified right now.  She had been lumping me together with her past people who have abused her.  Shared the other night that she is terrified of being murdered.  And setting boundaries was key to that?

My guess is she needs to simply get past the fear.  But how the heck do I not make things worse on her right now?

This is all triggered by one me leaving out of town twice in short succession and two offering a couple times to help with things that were previously quite welcome.

She has had loads of therapy and is high functioning but at this point I most definately am the enemy.

I know she can simply not see any alternative past her fear right now.  It's all incredibly black and white.  No compromise is going to occur.  It can't.

But I am at a loss as to how to not make this worse right now and to help her see me as at least remotely safe again. 

If I go with my thinking I am going to terrify her to run even more.  I do not want just a friendship permenantly.  I can do so however temporarily. 

However agreeing to this temporarily is not an option to her either.

She won't share what she sees going forward so I have no way to validate anything

Basically she wants me to lay out what I see as a friendship and then she will let me know if she is comfortable with that or not.  Ummmm. I see massive danger in attempting that one.

So please any words of wisdom, letter templates, anything would be really helpful right now!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fian]

I don't know how deep your relationship is, but assuming that you are close and she is afraid of losing you here are a couple of possible reasons.

1.  She is afraid that you are going to reject her, so she rejects you first.

2.  She feels you are getting too close, and the closeness is causing her BPD to push you away so that she feels more comfortable.

3.  This is not BPD related and she genuinely does not see a long term romantic future with you.

I can't tell you which of those it is, of course.  Assuming you wish to continue the relationship, I would recommend doing the following.  One, try and understand her reasons to break up.  Maybe talking can help to resolve the issue.  If it is #1 or #2, she will either not be able to give a reason or will give a false reason.  Of course, if it is #3 she may give you a false reason too.  Two, state that becoming just friends is not what you want, but you can't force her to be with you either.  As for setting the terms of the "friend" relationship, it then becomes what she is comfortable with.  From your end, you may need to set limits on what you can handle.  If seeing her as a friend on a regular basis is too painful, then say what would make you comfortable.  The goal here is to make her feel secure that you do not wish to leave her, plus keep the door open so that she can return and restore the relationship when she is ready.  My understanding of BPD is that they can change their mind rapidly, and the push/pull dynamic can reverse quickly.

[Allmessedup]

️Thank flan,

We have been together for 5 years... .we are very close

I believe she is afraid of me rejecting her... .I left twice this month.  Once to go see my sister, once completely unexpectedly because my grandfather was dying.  During the grandfather visit I was pretty much unable to text her as I usually do however I did email her at least once a day.

I also believe she is pushing me away.  Has been for a while now.

She feels like she fails me often.  This whole I can't be in an intimate relationship with anyone ever is sadly not a new thing.  She feels like she is not good enough, not meeting my needs etc.

The only reason I am getting right now is that she doesn't have the energy for it.  She has an autoimmune disease which makes her quite sick in its own right.  But that same disease also limits how much she can do for me as well in her eyes.

It only adds to the worthlessness and self loathing.

The frusturating part is that I wish she would set whatever she is comfortable with.  However she refuses.  She wants to know what I am comfortable with.

Thing is I know well she doesn't actually wish to end this.  She is scared as hell.  We were talking about boundaries before this started and tht triggered her.

Unfortunately one of my boundaries that I set when we got back together last year was that if she said she was done again I would no longer be part of her life. Ever.

And honestly I do mean that but yet she said she was done and here I am.  Sigh.  Because I believe that's not what she wants either.

Her saying she can not maintain an intimate relationship is more that she is terrified she can't than she actually can't.  We have discussed this at great length before when it's come up

She is so so so scared.

What she wants and doesn't want at the same time I think is to agree to take a relationship completely off the table.  But there is no way to win this one.

If I say I can do that things will settle and we will end right back up in a relationship again and this will come up again

If I say I can't she will run.

Either way she is actually likely at this point to run for a time.   

Her demons are damn powerful

[Fian]

Our situations are a little simpler.  My wife threatened leaving several times this year, and I found that unacceptable as I view marriage as forever.  She, of course, never left.  But I was deeply hurt and angry that she made the threat, as that is a low blow in a marriage.  Having now learned that she has BPD (or at least I think she does), I am not sure that it would bother me as much.  It is just the BPD talking.  She isn't actually going to leave.