Here again

[Infern0]

OK, first things first.  Anybody Who wants to say "don't do it" save your breath.  I'm a grown man and I'm responsible for my own decisions.  If you want no part in it, fine but keep your negative  opinions to yourself.

With that out of the way... .

It's been a year on,  off,  on,  off and now seems to be heading back towards on. I have decided that I am open to seeing where things go. This was not an easy decision to make,  and I have done a 180 swing on my position two months ago.

Each time I have gone through this I have learned a lot about myself. The last breakup was not all that painful so I don't have "fear" of trying again.

The learning experience has been very welcome and it's been a steep learning curve. During this breakup I committed to becoming a better man, and the surprise to me was that while going through the self help process I began to see that I had made a LOT of mistakes in our relationship.  And that I had on many occasion blamed HER for reacting to poor behavior on my part.

I reached a point last week where I had achieved happiness and felt fully cured of my codependency.  It was at this point she began to reach out.  Instead of taking the "she only reached out cos she wants something" I now have the attitude of she missed me. I did an I'll handled meet where we hooked up but I sorted my head out and continued contact has been very positive.

Aim going forward.

Enjoy having her in my life but remain outcome detached.

Let her come to me rather than be reliant on her

Enjoy her for who she is rather than try and change her.

Reward good behaviour, boundary up and not accept bad behavior

Have fun and enjoy my life.

These are the basic things.

I need to learn the communication techniques better but otherwise I think my attitude is good.

I've seen massive improvements in how I feel,  I no longer stalk her social media or get annoyed if she doesn't text me for a while.  At this stage we are not exclusive,  in just going to focus on having a fun and enjoyable times with her and if she wants to be exclusive again at some point, fine. But I'm not going to try and lock her down.

reviewing the past, when I am happy and comfortable and demonstrate that,  she responds a LOT better.  When I become unglued she starts pushing.  She does react to the vibe I'm putting out.

The days of acting out of fear are done.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

"when I am happy and comfortable and demonstrate that,  she responds a LOT better."

"When I become unglued she starts pushing." 

"She does react to the vibe I'm putting out."

I think those are worth repeating, Infern0. This took me a long time to figure out.

[123Phoebe]

Welcome back, Infern0

[Oooohm]

Sounds like your in a good place ... .  Congrads!

[Trog]

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Aim going forward.

Enjoy having her in my life but remain outcome detached.

Let her come to me rather than be reliant on her

Enjoy her for who she is rather than try and change her.

Reward good behaviour, boundary up and not accept bad behavior

Have fun and enjoy my life.

These are the basic things.

I need to learn the communication techniques better but otherwise I think my attitude is good... .

You're thinking of getting a black lab or a golden retriever? Reward good behaviour, let her come to you... .Bring you your slippers in the morning, roll over and play dead (or does she do that already)? I tried these play book techniques, her behaviour got crazier and crazier until she finally got the reaction. It hurt. I wish you better luck.

Now now, the doggy bit - it's just a joke, don't become un centred 

[Infern0]

.

.

Aim going forward.

Enjoy having her in my life but remain outcome detached.

Let her come to me rather than be reliant on her

Enjoy her for who she is rather than try and change her.

Reward good behaviour, boundary up and not accept bad behavior

Have fun and enjoy my life.

These are the basic things.

I need to learn the communication techniques better but otherwise I think my attitude is good... .

You're thinking of getting a black lab or a golden retriever? Reward good behaviour, let her come to you... .Bring you your slippers in the morning, roll over and play dead (or does she do that already)? I tried these play book techniques, her behaviour got crazier and crazier until she finally got the reaction. It hurt. I wish you better luck.

Now now, the doggy bit - it's just a joke, don't become un centred 

I don't really see what you are getting at,  but things are going well so far.  One day at a time.

[Jessica84]

I don't know your history, but I've known on/off and all the pain, misery and fears that go with that. Letting go of fear/resentments is a hard step and takes time, but an important one. I'm still working on that myself. Ignoring baited attempts to argue is a tad trickier, but gets a little easier with practice.

I don't necessarily reward good behavior as much as no longer accept bad. Boundaries help with that. Have you read up on extinction bursts? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Personally I am fascinated by this. My uBPDbf has stopped several behaviors I didn't like - without my asking him to and without arguments. Interesting how the dynamics shift with good boundaries and communication tools. Just don't expect miracles!


Wishing you good luck