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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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EightySix

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married and living together
Posts: 9


« on: May 20, 2015, 12:26:22 AM »

Hi. I'm 29. My husband has BPD and we have 3 kids.

We hit rock bottom about 2 years ago when he finally sought help and received his diagnosis.  He has been seeing a therapist for about 6 months now.  Supposed to see her weekly. But often doesn't go.

He has made a great deal of effort in changing. I see him making efforts on a daily basis


But I myself am having trouble with residual resentment and anxiety. We had been together nearly 10 years before his efforts were made.

That was 10 years worth of volatile and manipulative interactions.

I find myself reverting to just doing things to keep the peace and quell my anxiety even when it probably isn't warranted.

And then other times it is and I find myself resenting him all the more and wondering if I can really keep doing this for the rest of my life.

I feel terrible for having these feelings. He's made such an effort. And I've made it known to him I do see the changes hhe's made. But on bad days I cant help but go there in my head again.

He acts like his problems are worse than everyone's and tends to diminish my feelings. I feel like if I were to suggest counseling for myself he'd feel like it as trying to 1 up him and give me attitude about it... .but then again maybe not. But I don't know if I can open that can of worms and deal with the attitude instead of support.

I don't know what else to do. So I'm reaching out... .

Thanks for listening
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Theo41
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 219



« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2015, 01:32:12 AM »

Eighty Six, Welcome to the sight. You will get help here. First of all we feel your pain. To a large degree,despite some differences, most of us have walked a version of the path you are on. The main message I have is to keep on communicating on the site ( posting and responding to others posts) and start reading the lessons. Over a short period of weeks or a few months you will develop skills that will enable you to greatly improve your life.

The fact that you husband is getting counseling (DBT? Hopefully)is a huge plus. Many of us have spouses who won't even admit to having a problem and will not go to therapy.

Other resources I have used that have helped me are: 1. a good therapist ( you deserve to have a therapist and you NEED one with all that's on ur plate. 2. Alanon ( the only requirement is to have a friend or relative with a drinking problem, and most of us do) My therapist insisted I go even though, at the time, my uBPDw did not have a drinking problem. The tools are invaluable. And it's free and anonymous. 3. NAMI - they have resources and support groups in the city I live in. And last but not least: 4. The books, beginning with: "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  I hope that will help and I wish u well. Theo
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Love Is Not Enough
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged and living together
Posts: 292

Confidence is the gateway to hope


« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2015, 11:59:04 AM »

Hello EightySix, I wanted to join Theo41 in welcoming you. He gave you some great resources. Let us know if you have any questions about any of it and we will do our best to answer them.

Your story really spoke to me as I am in the same situation. My uBPDgf has improved greatly. Some of it has been through employing the tools I learned here. Setting firm boundaries and responding appropriately when they are crossed has helped a lot. She has also found a great therapist to work with. All of these things have resulted in a much more stable day-to-day routine with very few dysregulations now. Same as you I find myself dealing with resentments and mistrust. I do not feel close to her at all. I go through the motions and I keep hoping that my feelings will change, but so far they haven't. I know this has more to do with me than her and I am continuing to work on that. I have learned a lot about myself by reading and posting here. So do not be so hard on yourself about your feelings. They are important and it takes awhile to work through all the past hurts.

If you feel like you need your own therapist then please do so. Do not worry about what your H will say or how he will react to it. One of the biggest improvements I made for myself was detaching from my SO and not letting her attitude or emotions affect mine. It was not an easy thing to do, but over time it got better. You can use the tools here, such as SET, to explain why you want counseling and then drop it. Let him work out whatever he needs to with himself. The lack of support is definitely hard and you will have to be strong. Much of it comes down to controlling your emotions and not letting them get to you.

What are other resentments that you have?

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Never to suffer would never to have been blessed ~ Edgar Allan Poe
EightySix

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married and living together
Posts: 9


« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2015, 01:27:52 PM »

Thank you for your response.

He is on a wait list for the DBT here. The therapist he's seeing has never done it before so she's basically learning while she sees him until he can get in with the other team.

I'm grateful he's finally seeking help and trying to help himself (before according to him he wasn't the problem. It was me). Which is why I'm so confused as to what I can and should do.

I have read a couple of articles on the site before finding the message board so I will definitely continue to read. And I will look into the book you suggested. Thank you.


Eighty Six, Welcome to the sight. You will get help here. First of all we feel your pain. To a large degree,despite some differences, most of us have walked a version of the path you are on. The main message I have is to keep on communicating on the site ( posting and responding to others posts) and start reading the lessons. Over a short period of weeks or a few months you will develop skills that will enable you to greatly improve your life.

The fact that you husband is getting counseling (DBT? Hopefully)is a huge plus. Many of us have spouses who won't even admit to having a problem and will not go to therapy.

Other resources I have used that have helped me are: 1. a good therapist ( you deserve to have a therapist and you NEED one with all that's on ur plate. 2. Alanon ( the only requirement is to have a friend or relative with a drinking problem, and most of us do) My therapist insisted I go even though, at the time, my uBPDw did not have a drinking problem. The tools are invaluable. And it's free and anonymous. 3. NAMI - they have resources and support groups in the city I live in. And last but not least: 4. The books, beginning with: "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  I hope that will help and I wish u well. Theo

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EightySix

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married and living together
Posts: 9


« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2015, 01:40:18 PM »

Thank you for your response

What is SET?

At the moment my biggest resentment is the lack of help around the house.  He also has major depression so he does little to nothing. Including getting his own meals and drinks. I feel like a slave.

I've told him how his lack of help makes me feel, but he just takes it to the "you think I'm a lazy ass" emotional warfare  stuff.

I've also told him I doNT like how he "askes" me for things.  It's very manipulative. Instead of asking for a drink it's "I'm thirsty" and I'm expected to ask him what he wold like to drink k or just  get him something.

I also read an article just before I found the message boards about controlling. It described him to a T, the sufferer. Should I not comply I must not love him enough because he will remain thirsty etc.

While it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. It's not an all out explosion if I don't jump the second he opens his moutb. But I still have anxiety left over from those days. I have asked him to stop speaking to me with statements and start asking me politely for those things. But I just don't want to do them at all. I want him to get his own drinks! Is thst too much to ask?

I feel like I could make a list a mile long of things thst annoy me. But then I feel like I'm being unfair, ungrateful and unrealistic to wish him to change so much.


Hello EightySix, I wanted to join Theo41 in welcoming you. He gave you some great resources. Let us know if you have any questions about any of it and we will do our best to answer them.

Your story really spoke to me as I am in the same situation. My uBPDgf has improved greatly. Some of it has been through employing the tools I learned here. Setting firm boundaries and responding appropriately when they are crossed has helped a lot. She has also found a great therapist to work with. All of these things have resulted in a much more stable day-to-day routine with very few dysregulations now. Same as you I find myself dealing with resentments and mistrust. I do not feel close to her at all. I go through the motions and I keep hoping that my feelings will change, but so far they haven't. I know this has more to do with me than her and I am continuing to work on that. I have learned a lot about myself by reading and posting here. So do not be so hard on yourself about your feelings. They are important and it takes awhile to work through all the past hurts.

If you feel like you need your own therapist then please do so. Do not worry about what your H will say or how he will react to it. One of the biggest improvements I made for myself was detaching from my SO and not letting her attitude or emotions affect mine. It was not an easy thing to do, but over time it got better. You can use the tools here, such as SET, to explain why you want counseling and then drop it. Let him work out whatever he needs to with himself. The lack of support is definitely hard and you will have to be strong. Much of it comes down to controlling your emotions and not letting them get to you.

What are other resentments that you have?

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an0ught
Retired Staff
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2015, 03:04:09 PM »

Hi EightySix,

Excerpt
What is SET?

you will find this workshop useful COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique - bpdfamily.

Excerpt
I feel like I could make a list a mile long of things thst annoy me. But then I feel like I'm being unfair, ungrateful and unrealistic to wish him to change so much.

 You can't change him. A good first step is really work on acceptance here. Keep in mind that the only person who can change him is he himself. The more you try the more you give him excuses not to do his part - you also waste your own energy that is much better spent on doing something positive for yourself.

Excerpt
I've also told him I doNT like how he "askes" me for things.  It's very manipulative. Instead of asking for a drink it's "I'm thirsty" and I'm expected to ask him what he wold like to drink k or just  get him something.

Read up on boundaries. If he can't tell you straight what he wants and is polite - why should you grace him with attention and mind reading effort? He may not like it but if he wants something he will learn to adjust. Much better letting him figure out how to get what he needs than telling him - beer is a good motivator 

Welcome,

a0
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