Thank you for your response
What is SET?
At the moment my biggest resentment is the lack of help around the house. He also has major depression so he does little to nothing. Including getting his own meals and drinks. I feel like a slave.
I've told him how his lack of help makes me feel, but he just takes it to the "you think I'm a lazy ass" emotional warfare stuff.
I've also told him I doNT like how he "askes" me for things. It's very manipulative. Instead of asking for a drink it's "I'm thirsty" and I'm expected to ask him what he wold like to drink k or just get him something.
I also read an article just before I found the message boards about controlling. It described him to a T, the sufferer. Should I not comply I must not love him enough because he will remain thirsty etc.
While it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. It's not an all out explosion if I don't jump the second he opens his moutb. But I still have anxiety left over from those days. I have asked him to stop speaking to me with statements and start asking me politely for those things. But I just don't want to do them at all. I want him to get his own drinks! Is thst too much to ask?
I feel like I could make a list a mile long of things thst annoy me. But then I feel like I'm being unfair, ungrateful and unrealistic to wish him to change so much.
Hello EightySix, I wanted to join Theo41 in welcoming you. He gave you some great resources. Let us know if you have any questions about any of it and we will do our best to answer them.
Your story really spoke to me as I am in the same situation. My uBPDgf has improved greatly. Some of it has been through employing the tools I learned here. Setting firm boundaries and responding appropriately when they are crossed has helped a lot. She has also found a great therapist to work with. All of these things have resulted in a much more stable day-to-day routine with very few dysregulations now. Same as you I find myself dealing with resentments and mistrust. I do not feel close to her at all. I go through the motions and I keep hoping that my feelings will change, but so far they haven't. I know this has more to do with me than her and I am continuing to work on that. I have learned a lot about myself by reading and posting here. So do not be so hard on yourself about your feelings. They are important and it takes awhile to work through all the past hurts.
If you feel like you need your own therapist then please do so. Do not worry about what your H will say or how he will react to it. One of the biggest improvements I made for myself was detaching from my SO and not letting her attitude or emotions affect mine. It was not an easy thing to do, but over time it got better. You can use the tools here, such as SET, to explain why you want counseling and then drop it. Let him work out whatever he needs to with himself. The lack of support is definitely hard and you will have to be strong. Much of it comes down to controlling your emotions and not letting them get to you.
What are other resentments that you have?
