Article on trauma bonding

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I found this interesting article on Trauma Bonding that offers an explanation for why people feel such a strong need to reconnect with former partners who behaved destructively towards them:

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

The article proposes that if an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable relating style it will be more difficult for the other partner to form a consistent image of the abusive partner in her/his memory. According to the author, the inability to recall a stable image of the partner after a breakup will cause the other person to seek out the abusive ex partner in reality.

This might explain in part why I and so many other people on this board have been so preoccupied with the question of "Which one of my ex's ways of being with me were real?" When I would fantasize about contacting my ex I was mostly wanting to confirm that the loving ex was the real one (then have her act on that with me), but I was afraid to contact her because I believed that the unloving one would be there to meet me. So I haven't contacted her   :'(

[Achaya]

I found this interesting article on Trauma Bonding that offers an explanation for why people feel such a strong need to reconnect with former partners who behaved destructively towards them:

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

The article proposes that if an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable relating style it will be more difficult for the other partner to form a consistent image of the abusive partner in her/his memory. According to the author, the inability to recall a stable image of the partner after a breakup will cause the other person to seek out the abusive ex partner in reality.

This might explain in part why I and so many other people on this board have been so preoccupied with the question of "Which one of my ex's ways of being with me were real?" When I would fantasize about contacting my ex I was mostly wanting to confirm that the loving ex was the real one (then have her act on that with me), but I was afraid to contact her because I believed that the unloving one would be there to meet me. So I haven't contacted her   :'(

[goateeki]

So I haven't contacted her   :'(

Good for you.  Keep it up. 

[Trog]

I've written before about how hard I find it to keep a consistent picture of her in my head. BPDs emotions are all over the place and you can not do or say the same thing twice and get the same reaction. One day it's fine to joke about X, the next day it's the cause of a serious argument, one day doing something in a certain way is fine, the next, it's selfish and you're a bad person.

This constant feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop does many things. You forget who you are and no longer express wants/feelings and needs because you're fearful of their reaction. You begin to doubt your own perceptions of reality. You become a confused person and your self esteem erodes. All the better to control you with my dear. I don't know if it's deliberate, but in the end it causes you to lose your sense of self.

Just last week I had two crazy examples of not being able to keep the image of her or the relationship constant. I remembered something completely in accurately because I had been told I was wrong and had her deny it happened so many times before, it took my friend to remind me what exactly happened. I have started to forget the truth and take on board her reality. I had also forgotten a very disturbing behaviour pattern of hers until someone else from here shared it about their ex.

Journaling and documenting everything as you can remember it is helpful. I have a list as long as my arm and I'm sure I'm missing things.

[jhkbuzz]

I found this interesting article on Trauma Bonding that offers an explanation for why people feel such a strong need to reconnect with former partners who behaved destructively towards them:

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

The article proposes that if an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable relating style it will be more difficult for the other partner to form a consistent image of the abusive partner in her/his memory. According to the author, the inability to recall a stable image of the partner after a breakup will cause the other person to seek out the abusive ex partner in reality.

This might explain in part why I and so many other people on this board have been so preoccupied with the question of "Which one of my ex's ways of being with me were real?" When I would fantasize about contacting my ex I was mostly wanting to confirm that the loving ex was the real one (then have her act on that with me), but I was afraid to contact her because I believed that the unloving one would be there to meet me. So I haven't contacted her   :'(

I think this is compounded when an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable sense of self - and characteristics of DID. This isn't the case for all of us posting on these boards, but some of us have experienced this. Not only is it hard to maintain a stable image of someone who has an unstable relating style, it's hard to maintain a stable image of someone who rotates through a "cast of characters." In fact, it's next to impossible, I think.

[Olivia_D]

Great article.  Thanks for sharing it.  In one of my posts in the last couple of weeks (on CoDepedency which I think was to Irish Pride), I talked about PTSD / Stockholm Syndrome / CoDependency as a coping behavior that we learn to survive a chaotic childhood home as well as romantic relationship.  This trauma bonding article further explains that connection and it makes sense to want the status quo (even if it is unhealthy) to return so the intense confusion following the fallout of a traumatic relationship can be restored.  I don't want to have a relationship with him, I want to wrap my head around this powerful force of confusion, if that makes sense.

[confusedinWI]

I will preface this by saying I'm feeling all the feelings right now. If we trauma bonded with our exes with these situations why in gods name am I the one in pain suffering while she moved on from our two year relationship in two weeks.

If we "bonded" why do I feel I lost some of the most amazing moments in my life that I might never have again while she is keeping busy with him.

If I was so amazing to her like she said and I did things with her like spend nights with her like dog sitting etc how does she not miss living with me, our nightly talks, the family dinners with my kids.

I went to a local festival by myself and I was so lonely. I don't know how to be single. Every where I went I was looking for her and at the same time hoping I wouldn't see her because I don't know how I'd react.

I feel like I had the best times of my life with her as well as some of the worse.

I just want to take an ice pick to my brain to scramble the memories. I got rid of all the physical reminders but I have too good of a memory.

I'm falling down the rabbit hole so bad

[Achaya]

I've written before about how hard I find it to keep a consistent picture of her in my head. BPDs emotions are all over the place and you can not do or say the same thing twice and get the same reaction. One day it's fine to joke about X, the next day it's the cause of a serious argument, one day doing something in a certain way is fine, the next, it's selfish and you're a bad person.

This constant feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop does many things. You forget who you are and no longer express wants/feelings and needs because you're fearful of their reaction. You begin to doubt your own perceptions of reality. You become a confused person and your self esteem erodes. All the better to control you with my dear. I don't know if it's deliberate, but in the end it causes you to lose your sense of self.

Just last week I had two crazy examples of not being able to keep the image of her or the relationship constant. I remembered something completely in accurately because I had been told I was wrong and had her deny it happened so many times before, it took my friend to remind me what exactly happened. I have started to forget the truth and take on board her reality. I had also forgotten a very disturbing behaviour pattern of hers until someone else from here shared it about their ex.

Journaling and documenting everything as you can remember it is helpful. I have a list as long as my arm and I'm sure I'm missing things.

I have experienced most of what you describe here. I have worked a lot in the past on validating my own reality, so I didn't get as confused this time as I have in previous relationships. My BPD ex is a waif type so frequently I had no idea of where I stood with her.

I'll look up your other posts. Thanks so much for sharing your experience and your success with remembering and documenting. It helps a lot!

[Achaya]

I will preface this by saying I'm feeling all the feelings right now. If we trauma bonded with our exes with these situations why in gods name am I the one in pain suffering while she moved on from our two year relationship in two weeks.

If we "bonded" why do I feel I lost some of the most amazing moments in my life that I might never have again while she is keeping busy with him.

If I was so amazing to her like she said and I did things with her like spend nights with her like dog sitting etc how does she not miss living with me, our nightly talks, the family dinners with my kids.

I went to a local festival by myself and I was so lonely. I don't know how to be single. Every where I went I was looking for her and at the same time hoping I wouldn't see her because I don't know how I'd react.

I feel like I had the best times of my life with her as well as some of the worse.

I just want to take an ice pick to my brain to scramble the memories. I got rid of all the physical reminders but I have too good of a memory.

I'm falling down the rabbit hole so bad

I have had or am having all these feelings, Confused. What I can say by way of comfort is that the feelings keep changing for me hour by hour. If that is also true for you, you can expect a change of some sort soon. I don't usually find that the new state of mind is a whole lot better than the one before, but at least it's different.

I think there are some reasons why the abandoned partners of pwBPD end up holding all the grief, as well as why the grief has such a catastrophic feeling to it. I may start a new thread about that when I have time.

Meanwhile, Confused, I recommend you try answering your own questions above. I am looking for answers to  similar questions and am quite surprised at what I have managed to dig up. I am only 5 weeks post breakup, and I do want to take time to just grieve, but I also find echoes to grief from earlier in my life. I am finding that these earlier versions of the present abandonment trauma are adding an additional burden of distress that can be relieved by some self-analysis.

[Achaya]

I found this interesting article on Trauma Bonding that offers an explanation for why people feel such a strong need to reconnect with former partners who behaved destructively towards them:

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

The article proposes that if an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable relating style it will be more difficult for the other partner to form a consistent image of the abusive partner in her/his memory. According to the author, the inability to recall a stable image of the partner after a breakup will cause the other person to seek out the abusive ex partner in reality.

This might explain in part why I and so many other people on this board have been so preoccupied with the question of "Which one of my ex's ways of being with me were real?" When I would fantasize about contacting my ex I was mostly wanting to confirm that the loving ex was the real one (then have her act on that with me), but I was afraid to contact her because I believed that the unloving one would be there to meet me. So I haven't contacted her   :'(

I think this is compounded when an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable sense of self - and characteristics of DID. This isn't the case for all of us posting on these boards, but some of us have experienced this. Not only is it hard to maintain a stable image of someone who has an unstable relating style, it's hard to maintain a stable image of someone who rotates through a "cast of characters." In fact, it's next to impossible, I think.

One of my ex's therapists did diagnose DDNOS in addition to BPD. A number of trauma experts I have read think that the dissociative disorders are a continuum with DID at the most severe pole and BPD on the same spectrum.

The article helped me to recognize that my jumbled memory of my ex is probably more like the reality she presented than not. My mind wants to integrate all the images into a whole, but that wasn't the reality we lived.

[jhkbuzz]

I will preface this by saying I'm feeling all the feelings right now. If we trauma bonded with our exes with these situations why in gods name am I the one in pain suffering while she moved on from our two year relationship in two weeks.

If we "bonded" why do I feel I lost some of the most amazing moments in my life that I might never have again while she is keeping busy with him.

If I was so amazing to her like she said and I did things with her like spend nights with her like dog sitting etc how does she not miss living with me, our nightly talks, the family dinners with my kids.

I went to a local festival by myself and I was so lonely. I don't know how to be single. Every where I went I was looking for her and at the same time hoping I wouldn't see her because I don't know how I'd react.

I feel like I had the best times of my life with her as well as some of the worse.

I just want to take an ice pick to my brain to scramble the memories. I got rid of all the physical reminders but I have too good of a memory.

I'm falling down the rabbit hole so bad

I have had or am having all these feelings, Confused. What I can say by way of comfort is that the feelings keep changing for me hour by hour. If that is also true for you, you can expect a change of some sort soon. I don't usually find that the new state of mind is a whole lot better than the one before, but at least it's different.



I think there are some reasons why the abandoned partners of pwBPD end up holding all the grief, as well as why the grief has such a catastrophic feeling to it. I may start a new thread about that when I have time.

Meanwhile, Confused, I recommend you try answering your own questions above. I am looking for answers to  similar questions and am quite surprised at what I have managed to dig up. I am only 5 weeks post breakup, and I do want to take time to just grieve, but I also find echoes to grief from earlier in my life. I am finding that these earlier versions of the present abandonment trauma are adding an additional burden of distress that can be relieved by some self-analysis.

Would love to hear your thoughts... .

[jhkbuzz]

I found this interesting article on Trauma Bonding that offers an explanation for why people feel such a strong need to reconnect with former partners who behaved destructively towards them:

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

The article proposes that if an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable relating style it will be more difficult for the other partner to form a consistent image of the abusive partner in her/his memory. According to the author, the inability to recall a stable image of the partner after a breakup will cause the other person to seek out the abusive ex partner in reality.

This might explain in part why I and so many other people on this board have been so preoccupied with the question of "Which one of my ex's ways of being with me were real?" When I would fantasize about contacting my ex I was mostly wanting to confirm that the loving ex was the real one (then have her act on that with me), but I was afraid to contact her because I believed that the unloving one would be there to meet me. So I haven't contacted her   :'(

My T told me that it sometimes happens that just one of the "cast" is borderline.  For my ex, that would be "teenage M"  (the angry/impulsive child in Schema Theory).

Mind=blown.

I think this is compounded when an abusive partner has an inconsistent, unstable sense of self - and characteristics of DID. This isn't the case for all of us posting on these boards, but some of us have experienced this. Not only is it hard to maintain a stable image of someone who has an unstable relating style, it's hard to maintain a stable image of someone who rotates through a "cast of characters." In fact, it's next to impossible, I think.

One of my ex's therapists did diagnose DDNOS in addition to BPD. A number of trauma experts I have read think that the dissociative disorders are a continuum with DID at the most severe pole and BPD on the same spectrum.

The article helped me to recognize that my jumbled memory of my ex is probably more like the reality she presented than not. My mind wants to integrate all the images into a whole, but that wasn't the reality we lived.