uBPDmom called my psychiatrist and crossed the line

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum here - I've been reading a lot but it has taken me some courage to actually sign up and write something about my uBPD mom. But this recent event was enough motivation to write.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over 2.5 years now during my time in medical school. She has been a savior to me and has helped me see that much of my chronic lack of confidence is largely due to being raised in the very confusing world of a BPD mother, where I basically was expected to cater to her emotional needs and was never encouraged to be independent or my own person, since that was taken as a form of abandonment by my emotionally needy mother. During my time in med school I have built a lot of confidence and am excited about living my life the way I want it, etc.

My uBPD mom is having a hard time adjusting to these changes (i.e. me becoming my own independent adult), especially since I have slowly reduced the amount of contact we have over time (she used to call me 5 times a day in college). I think she sees I am less "hers", or at least she is very confused about this independent person I am becoming despite her attempts to keep me closer.

At a recent session with my psychiatrist, my doc shocked me when she informed me that my mother left two voicemails on her machine. The first said that she needed to call her back immediately because she was concerned for me. When the call wasn't returned, my mom then left a second more desperate voicemail saying "You need to call me back immediately because I think my daughter is suicidal and she might kill herself. I'm available RIGHT NOW to talk." My shrink did not call back for obvious reasons. When she told me, I was absolutely beside myself, and almost didn't believe it was my mother. I have never been suicidal and I'm not even depressed... .there was absolutely no reason for that suspicion. My shrink knows me well and agreed that there were no concerns for me hurting myself. My mom is a recently retired physician herself, and I know that she is aware of HIPAA laws that would prevent my psychiatrist from discussing me with someone else - yet somehow she thought this ploy would work. I feel so betrayed, yet at the same time so validated because for the first time she has shown someone else, my psychiatrist no less, that she's actually out of her mind. She always has behaved ridiculously behind closed doors, but I've never seen her behave so inappropriately to "outsiders" like this before. I feel like her behavior is escalating and I'm scared that she will do other things to sabotage the relationships I have built around myself.

I'm not really sure what to do with this new information and the knowledge that my mom is capable of really anything in an attempt to manipulate the people around me. It didn't work in this instance, but I worry about what she might do in the future, especially since I have discovered that the more I separate myself from her, the happier and more tranquil my life becomes.

Has anyone else had experiences with a manipulative BPD parent who has crossed the line like this? How did you deal with it, and what can I expect for the future?

[GreenGlit]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum here - I've been reading a lot but it has taken me some courage to actually sign up and write something about my uBPD mom. But this recent event was enough motivation to write.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over 2.5 years now during my time in medical school. She has been a savior to me and has helped me see that much of my chronic lack of confidence is largely due to being raised in the very confusing world of a BPD mother, where I basically was expected to cater to her emotional needs and was never encouraged to be independent or my own person, since that was taken as a form of abandonment by my emotionally needy mother. During my time in med school I have built a lot of confidence and am excited about living my life the way I want it, etc.

My uBPD mom is having a hard time adjusting to these changes (i.e. me becoming my own independent adult), especially since I have slowly reduced the amount of contact we have over time (she used to call me 5 times a day in college). I think she sees I am less "hers", or at least she is very confused about this independent person I am becoming despite her attempts to keep me closer.

At a recent session with my psychiatrist, my doc shocked me when she informed me that my mother left two voicemails on her machine. The first said that she needed to call her back immediately because she was concerned for me. When the call wasn't returned, my mom then left a second more desperate voicemail saying "You need to call me back immediately because I think my daughter is suicidal and she might kill herself. I'm available RIGHT NOW to talk." My shrink did not call back for obvious reasons. When she told me, I was absolutely beside myself, and almost didn't believe it was my mother. I have never been suicidal and I'm not even depressed... .there was absolutely no reason for that suspicion. My shrink knows me well and agreed that there were no concerns for me hurting myself. My mom is a recently retired physician herself, and I know that she is aware of HIPAA laws that would prevent my psychiatrist from discussing me with someone else - yet somehow she thought this ploy would work. I feel so betrayed, yet at the same time so validated because for the first time she has shown someone else, my psychiatrist no less, that she's actually out of her mind. She always has behaved ridiculously behind closed doors, but I've never seen her behave so inappropriately to "outsiders" like this before. I feel like her behavior is escalating and I'm scared that she will do other things to sabotage the relationships I have built around myself.

I'm not really sure what to do with this new information and the knowledge that my mom is capable of really anything in an attempt to manipulate the people around me. It didn't work in this instance, but I worry about what she might do in the future, especially since I have discovered that the more I separate myself from her, the happier and more tranquil my life becomes.

Has anyone else had experiences with a manipulative BPD parent who has crossed the line like this? How did you deal with it, and what can I expect for the future?

[bethanny]

This is quite a story.  Wow.  The presumptuousness of your mother to try to manipulate your shrink who is providing you ballast to individuate from your mother.  

I grew up in a borderline and alcoholic family so secrecy and impression management were key. Your mother risking image to reach out to your doctor shows her over-confidence in her ability to manipulate people, especially about their perception of you, and her willingness to catastrophize to get attention.

We grow up with assumptions and illusions that maybe if we didn't cling to them we would suffer a psychic break from the trauma.  When we are able to handle them more and more we fight not doing that because it hurts.  We keep on shelving our intuition and evidence that things are not as we consciously are wanting to believe.  This is our denial.  Some events finally explode our denial and make us face reality.  It isn't easy.  I grew up willing to trust negative propaganda about myself rather than losing the sense of security of having a trustworthy parent or significant others.  I keep quoting, "Recovery is learning to let go of what we never had."  It is not easy.  We have to endure the five stages of grief.  This spiral of grieving requires many trips as I have come to find out.

Good luck with boundary-building.  You sound like you are doing great!