Going No Contact and have questions

[acs73]

I am considering going No contact after almost 18 mos of limited contact. In those 18 mos she has only gotten worse, mocks my "rules" as she calls them. After 42 years of her emotional abuse and the turmoil I am done. She is living in an apartment that we leased for her and we pay half the rent despite my telling her 18 mos ago to find a new place. Of course it didn't happen and we caved. She is on a wait list for a senior apt in her hometown and something should open up in 6-9 months.  I intend to keep paying because I don't want her to be homeless.  She lives 5 mins from us and over the course of living here for almost 8 years she developed NO life for herself because me and my children were to be here life. Am I being cruel by cutting off contact? And what do I tell my children who are 11, 8 and 5? The last straw was her telling my oldest 2 children to lie to me about a phone call she arranged with my brother who I don't speak to. I haven't had any contact in over a week and am continuing to shed some of my baggage and feel some peace. But I also have moments of grief. But I know I am mourning a mom I never had or only had at brief moments. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Boxernanna]

Make sure you are doing an NC for the right reason-YOU. It is not a punishment for your parent. It is a time for you to heal and a time for you to build defenses. You will feel all kinds of emotions-anger, grief, relief, sadness, peace. They are all very normal as you go through the realization that you were a victim. It is a time for you to get stronger and to build your self esteem. You are banishing that inner voice that makes you feel bad.  You ask if this is cruel? It is not, if you are doing it to gain control of your life and not to be spiteful. You will be doing all the changing, not your mother. She is incapable of changing.  What do you tell your children? The truth on their level of maturity. "Mom needs a little vacation from grandma, so we won't be seeing or talking to her for awhile." "Grandma loves all of us, but Mommy needs to teach herself how to handle things differently."

[HappyChappy]

Totally get where you are. I've been NC for a year and a half ish. It has helped me heal and I'm glad that you’re “shedding baggage” also. We were honest with our kids, just pointed out they should expect respect from anyone that wants their company. When we went NC, my NPD bro had been slapping and hitting our young son. So it made sense to our kids. However, my BPD mom had triangulated our kids, so the one they use to bully was very happy not so see them again, but their Gold Child was missing all the extra candy and presents she would get. But sounds like your BPD is being derisive with your kids telling them to keep secrets (and take sides). 

The questions you ask can only be answered by you. You know your kids - I'm sure you'd know what to tell them. You don't have to announce NC, you could just slowly move that way. It may help you heal, so you can hook back up refreshed. I understand it's a necessary process in healing to grieve the mom you never had (or even the one you're going NC with) so it’s good you’re getting that out of the way. Remember NC is always reversible. As  a BPD needs narcisstic supply, expect her to put up the sort of fight a drug addict would do if you took away their supply if you announce NC. But the theory suggest your mom will eventually find other sources of supply - so it would force her to connect with other (in theory). Best of luck in whatever you decided.