How far have you been pushed

[DyingLove]

During our RS, my ex has cornered me, pushed me and provoked me.

Really, I'm a quiet calm kinda guy. Really.

I will not say that she was the sole cause of anything.  I was in a relationship, so in all fairness I was 50% right?  Well for arguments sake, lets say I was.  The switch was either on or off, and on occasions she positioned me where I had no where to go but to lash outwards. Oh gee how I hated that because we'd be going at it, and in the heat of battle, it's hard to act rationally. I didn't always do the proper things for handling a BPD individual.  It's impossible sometimes to remain level and calm.  Well It seems that she even used information to get me to lash out by telling me things or suggesting things to make me angry.  Add insult to injury, she'd hold these things over my head (forever) and sometimes invite a third party in, like her mother or brother.  Those two were the kingpins in our troubles.  I think if she didn't have those two, we might not have had issues (aside from her ex #2).

Well anyway, do any of you have similar situations where you were basically setup within the heat of the moment?

I'm really getting over this stuff, but it seems that little "trinkets" of detail pop up now and again and make me ruminate over: Was it ME or was it HER or ... .    I hate when that happens,, it's like you were having a good day and threw a wrench in your own works!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

DyingLove,  there were times I was certain my ex would make something up just to hurt me or start a mini-crisis.   One time he said he had met an old co-worker of mine at church and she was hitting on him.   But it was like he was creating it as he went along... .it was almost as if he was just trying in the moment to see how twisted/far he could go.   He didn't even know her name when the conversation started with me but would ask me questions that I'd innocently answer not expecting any kind of set-up and then bam,  he'd lay down the slam.   He did it once trying to say my brother-in-law was having an affair.   That time I said "I am not playing your little game" and hung up on him.   That was abt 10 days before the r/s ended.   That kind of stuff was so f*ucked up.   Like setting off little land mines just for the fun of it.   The list is endless.   I was finally figuring out HE would just do these things.   My part was I would react.   Which gave him satisfaction and motivation to do it again.   But still,  that he wanted/needed to was on HIM.

[LimboFL]

Dying, I could have written what you wrote. She would push buttons and then even laugh when I reacted. I did things that I never thought I would do. You are not alone.

[Hadlee]

Yes!  A lot!  My ex best friend once pushed my buttons at a work Christmas party.  She got what she wanted... .my attention after I had been socializing with other co-workers all evening.  I was pretty pi$$ed.  Fortunately, I didn't act on my anger in front of our co-workers.  

We still work for the same company.  She's still trying to push my buttons in the workplace.  I actually think I should be in the running for an Academy Award for acting like I don't notice her behavior    

[Inside]

It seemed my uBPDxgf gloried in her memory of having a onetime lover (and father of her child) hold a gun to her head, something about ‘nobody having her if he couldn’t’…  The way she’d glaze over when repeating that told me something about her I’d not yet figured out   Or, they same apparently longing recollection of having been 'pushed down 2 steps' by her ex husband (and father of her 2nd child) ... .

Dying Love, I’m a lot like you, and ‘she’ knew it.  Where anything would set her off - I was raised to accept anything.  Really, I wasn’t her type, I didn’t fight back - I packed up and left.  I can get mad, but never mad enough to take her on.  But we lived apart, so I could escape ... .which likely shifted her thoughts to abandonment

As often as I relate to the experiences of others around here, we never battled like that.  I think she realized it made her look small when I didn’t respond in kind.  She’d boil, and wonder why I didn’t erupt over things that would have set her off, but she’d never physically confront me.  So it could have been worse... .?

[DyingLove]

Dying, I could have written what you wrote. She would push buttons and then even laugh when I reacted. I did things that I never thought I would do. You are not alone.

I had to do a quick reply Limbo when I read about your "laugh" situation.  First off, a couple of times I actually laughed.  I didn't laugh at her... .she must have thought I was... .but the situation was so stupid I had to laugh and I told her that.

But the laugh I'm really commenting on is when we broke up, she had an EVIL (I swear) snicker/laugh that I don't even know if she knew she was doing it.  Picture someone real nervous, doing like a giggle/laugh kinda expression. Well she was kinda on a roll with yelling at me and getting VERY hot in the moment and the snicker (like a crazy person) happened.  It sorta scared me and I'm NOT joking.  If she had a knife or gun I would have been terrified.

[DyingLove]

All in all, I sure she's made everyone think that I was a bad guy, a bad dad, a lazy bum.  These are the things she made me feel like.  One of the last things she proclaimed is how she supports me/supported me.  I have a list of all the things I did for her, and I'm still adding to it. Most of it involved money.  And I think of all the crap I had to eat regarding her ex husband.  Damn, someone kick me RIGHT NOW! When you love someone, you do things you would normally not do in a regular situation.  I did those things and I did more.  One sided relationships are bound for doom, and we're not even talking about the BPD.

Was reading a book called: GETTING PAST YOUR BREAKUP by Susan J. Elliot.  (thank you Dobie for asking about books)

She "cites" a line from Henny Youngman (whom I met in NYC, what a great guy). He says:

The patient says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”

The doctor says, “Then don’t do that!”

She starts off Chapter 2  The Rules of Disengagement: Going “No Contact” with Your Ex, with that joke as a pull quote.

[LeonVa]

I hear you.

Generally speaking, I do not like confrontations and I avoid it at all cause.

However, my ex-wife sometimes push you to the point that you can think of nothing but lash out that she's a ***ch for saying what she said, only to regret later that you engaged with the nonsense and didn't remain calm enough to just leave her along.

I mean I said the "f" word and "mf" word to her after she called police on me with false allegations. I was so enraged after she pushed this very red button. 

She couldn't take the fact I said those words. I truly believe she thought calling police with false allegations (or she thought it was real) is something so minor that doesn't deserve such a "strong" reaction & response from me.

They are delusional and lacks the common senses that normal people possess.

That being said, we do need to control ourselves from lashing out even if we are pushed to the corner. There are better responses & reactions to their ridiculous provocative actions.

[DyingLove]

I hear you.

Generally speaking, I do not like confrontations and I avoid it at all cause.

However, my ex-wife sometimes push you to the point that you can think of nothing but lash out that she's a ***ch for saying what she said, only to regret later that you engaged with the nonsense and didn't remain calm enough to just leave her along.

I mean I said the "f" word and "mf" word to her after she called police on me with false allegations. I was so enraged after she pushed this very red button. 

She couldn't take the fact I said those words. I truly believe she thought calling police with false allegations (or she thought it was real) is something so minor that doesn't deserve such a "strong" reaction & response from me.

They are delusional and lacks the common senses that normal people possess.

That being said, we do need to control ourselves from lashing out even if we are pushed to the corner. There are better responses & reactions to their ridiculous provocative actions.

Thanks LeonVA.  I feel so guilty STILL about the things that transpired.  Damn, they were just things that any normal couple would overcome with very little talking.  But she needled and pushed and it became outrageous.  Bad enough getting over the shame and guilt of the relationship, and then having to deal with the little things individually as well.  Sucks.

[dobie]

She tried via the BU to really press my buttons I know she wanted me to rage , destroy her stuff etc so she could play the victim


So I didn't but God help me her provocations took all my strength not to .

When someone you love tells you they have not loved you for a year , screams resentment and devaluation down the phone , trashes your bday , and even tries to destroy you financially while claiming  they are a "victim"  .

When you put your love , heart and soul into that r/s and that person when you supported them and cared to find they were using you

That they resent you that you mean nothing while they lie out of one side of their mouths it takes an awful lot of strength not to do something stupid

[zundertowz]

I was pushed pretty far physical and mental abuse on her part... .smear campaigns... .false allegations of abuse... .triangulation... .never touched her but I let her have it verbally to the point it makes me cringe... .im a pretty mellow person but im only human... .I feel bad but I pretty much destroyed any chances of her trying to recycle me which is a blessing.  Part of me is proud I stood up for myself and told her to F off... .theres was no chance of parting peacefully anyway.

[DyingLove]

I was pushed pretty far physical and mental abuse on her part... .smear campaigns... .false allegations of abuse... .triangulation... .never touched her but I let her have it verbally to the point it makes me cringe... .im a pretty mellow person but im only human... .I feel bad but I pretty much destroyed any chances of her trying to recycle me which is a blessing.  Part of me is proud I stood up for myself and told her to F off... .theres was no chance of parting peacefully anyway.

There were TWO incidents when I blew my cork and said things I should not have. Just two things but they were hurtful in return to her, AND top it off, they were things I really didn't mean but said out of anger.  She will never forget them, and she would never let me forget them either. I guess they infringed on her BPD issues and made them trigger her or something.  Actually there was a third which I'm not really ashamed of but the same as the other two, I didn't really mean it. The third is that I was going to leave!  The other two I don't want to reveal, sickens me to think about them.  But I know the leaving comment probably affected her abandonment issues. She never let me forget that one either.

So here I am, still feeling crappy about saying them, about blowing my lid, about the fact that we argued at all.  Where is she today?  Don't know, but she's probably not concerned with the crap she threw at me!

[Hopeless777]

I was pushed pretty far physical and mental abuse on her part... .smear campaigns... .false allegations of abuse... .triangulation... .never touched her but I let her have it verbally to the point it makes me cringe... .im a pretty mellow person but im only human... .I feel bad but I pretty much destroyed any chances of her trying to recycle me which is a blessing.  Part of me is proud I stood up for myself and told her to F off... .theres was no chance of parting peacefully anyway.

There were TWO incidents whden I blew my cork and said things I should not have. Just two things but they were hurtful in return to her, AND top it off, they were things I really didn't mean but said out of anger.  She will never forget them, and she would never let me forget them either. I guess they infringed on her BPD issues and made them trigger her or something.  Actually there was a third which I'm not really ashamed of but the same as the other two, I didn't really mean it. The third is that I was going to leave!  The other two I don't want to reveal, sickens me to think about them.  But I know the leaving comment probably affected her abandonment issues. She never let me forget that one either.

So here I am, still feeling crappy about saying them, about blowing my lid, about the fact that we argued at all.  Where is she today?  Don't know, but she's probably not concerned with the crap she threw at me!

DL: So not beat yourself up. During the last year of 30 our verbal fights were legendary. I said things I wish to God I could take back. But I had already been physically attacked and she locked up and I couldn't being myself to leave. It just got worse and worse until I was afraid she'd throw herself down  the stairs and call the police. Numerous times she threatened to call  the police and say I tried to rape her; this my wife of 25+ years and two children and two grandsons. Needless to say I was as distraught and left finally and said more not to nice things I wished I hadn't. But I've learned and left and am trying to start a new. Best to you!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

DL, I got so upset and mad once that I literally do NOT remember what happened.   It was like I blacked out from rage.   I didn't even know such a thing was possible.   It scares me to think I don't know what happened.  Literally,  I was blind with rage.   I remember what started it and I remember the ending but not what happened those 2-5 minutes in btwn.   As scary as it feels to be temporarily so out of control I don't remember,  it confirms how close to the edge this r/s had driven me (I let it drive me).   I knew it was over the top hard and stressful but not sure I adequately understood how far I had gone,  how close I was to the edge.   That I was literally on the edge.   And then,  bam,  in an instant I was OVER the edge.   I hate that I let myself go that far.   I literally do NOT remember and I was completely sober.  Feels very f*cked up.   Scary.   Worrisome.   Embarrassing.  I can't tell you what I said or did b/c I don't know.   That's how far I was pushed.   Pushed myself.   Never again.   I cannot go back.   Will not go back.

[DyingLove]

DL, I got so upset and mad once that I literally do NOT remember what happened.   It was like I blacked out from rage.   I didn't even know such a thing was possible.   It scares me to think I don't know what happened.  Literally,  I was blind with rage.   I remember what started it and I remember the ending but not what happened those 2-5 minutes in btwn.   As scary as it feels to be temporarily so out of control I don't remember,  it confirms how close to the edge this r/s had driven me (I let it drive me).   I knew it was over the top hard and stressful but not sure I adequately understood how far I had gone,  how close I was to the edge.   That I was literally on the edge.   And then,  bam,  in an instant I was OVER the edge.   I hate that I let myself go that far.   I literally do NOT remember and I was completely sober.  Feels very f*cked up.   Scary.   Worrisome.   Embarrassing.  I can't tell you what I said or did b/c I don't know.   That's how far I was pushed.   Pushed myself.   Never again.   I cannot go back.   Will not go back.

I don't know why exactly, but somehow I could relate to what you are saying reclaiming. There of been plenty of times where I just don't remember certain events or certain things that have been said, but that's because I've shot them out machine-gun style. You could say so many things one right after the other that you just forget what you've said or just forget all of them and some of. I used to have a very good memory, I even go as far to say semi-photographic memory. After being in that relationship, my memory was and is far from as sharp as it used to be. To be totally fair, I would have to say that it probably became that way from stress.

I noticed something that you wrote, you went from saying how close to the edge the relationship had driven you, but then you corrected it by saying you let it drive you. It's important to be honest with one's self. And you did that. We are all here to find an answer, to vent, to fix ourselves, and to not go crazy. Being honest to ourselves is a prerequisite.

Getting back to what you were saying, I wonder if it works both ways? What I mean is can our X BPD person forget or blackout etc. Rage is a horrible thing, and just like everything else in some places we needed but I don't think it has a place in a normal relationship. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a relationship or marriage shares the same vows that people take at the altar. Of course not all relationships are on the same level. If I had to classify my relationship I would definitely have to say it was almost on par or maybe exactly on par with marriage. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for sickness or in health. But obviously the death do us part did not happen. What am I saying! Nothing happened none of them. That's the sad part.

Did you ever noticed that almost all the questions we have involved all the other questions we have had. Some of the answers from other issues are pertinent in other issues that we question. I find myself repeating a lot of things in different posts. It's like a big tangled web and everything is kind of connected. Sometimes I question myself how I address an issue or post, but it's just the way I handle things. Some people are better at philosophizing than others, and other people are just more logical than others. I don't know if there is an umbrella explanation. Maybe if there were, we wouldn't need to break out the microscope and figure out all the little things along the way. Or maybe that would just make things easier. Sometimes it seems that we need to figure out all the little things first and see if it leads us to that gigantic tremendous explanation that clears up the entire issue. And then on the other hand, it seems that no matter what we find out about our broken relationship, it really doesn't help us unless we fix ourselves. Maybe a combo of everything.

Well it's early morning on a Saturday. 9:52 AM to be exact and I can take some time and write my thoughts down here without being in a rush to get to work. It's certainly nice not to be under the gun, but like another thread I started, holidays and weekends are pretty tough. When I first came back to the state after a long hard breakup, it was cold there was snow on the ground, and the skies were terribly gray. Well it's sunny outside now but the temperatures back in the low 30s and that reminds me of those miserable days when I first returned half dead. So I sit here talking to you and in the background trying to trick myself at this point into believing why I'm so much better off. I know I will figure out that I am better off, but right now I'm stuck.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

It is good to write abt this.   One of the scariest and most worrisome,  one of the most telling moments of my life.   One of the most f*cked up moments of my life.   Gives me a glimpse into how someone could commit murder,  a crime of passion,  and TRULY not remember it.   Before my own black-out experience,  I wouldn't have believed such was actually possible.  

I crossed so many of my own lines.   Stuff I never thought I'd do.  

[myself]

She pushed so hard she lost a good friend/someone who loved her.

[UserName69]

She pushed me a lot. She played with my feelings A LOT. Like one time she come and hugged me, kissed me and we started a foreplay. Then she said that she doesn't want to have sex. She did this a lot. Last time when I stayed at her place she did the same, we went out when we came back we talked and we started to kiss and touching each other. So she stands up and said I'm going to sleep. I knew she did this on purpose. I knew this relationship isn't going to work. She was playing with my feelings and I won't forgive her for that, I don't love her anymore.

We broke up for like 14 times. Before we broke up I had a hard time it was business related and I became depressed. She never supported me or cared about me. When I used to text her she didn't even reply for a day, when I send her a private PM on social media she didn't respond even while she did read it.  But now I'm really over her.

I started to develop negative feelings for her because I knew she did this on purpose. She didn't want to see me because she had "appointments". This made me only hate her a lot. Couple weeks before we broke up I met an another girl. I had a lot of conversations with her, she knew I was depressed and she did support me a lot. I had the last fight with my ex and that was the final fight. She has lost me for ever. Now I realize how bad the relationship was.

I started a couple hobbies, I'm having so much fun, I'm everyday busy, I'm dating this new girl. So as you can guess my ex did push a lot of buttons and finally she caused a short circuit. I have lost nothing, I don't miss her and I don't want her even back in my life. Even if she was the last person on this earth. This breakup was the best thing that had ever happened to me.