My mother won't go away

[gorillatales]

I am a 55 yr old woman with a mother who has BPD. when she is nice it is great but you know it wont last. I have come to this website many times after a very upsetting time with her but never saw this part where you can talk to others.  I am not able to tolerate her as much as when I was younger.  I am tired and she is panicking that I will not be able to be her punching bag as much. I am a Christian and believe in honoring my mother but I hate her and struggle with how to proceed. How much of my lift on e has to be lost to her? I have a wonderful son who is 21 and feel terrible that he also had to bear her insanity for so many years.

I don't really have a question today. I gave her the finger and yelled at her and walked away feeling like I might have a heart attack from the stress.  I activated the do not disturb function on my phone so I would not have to deal with her for the rest of the night. I would love to go and buy cigarettes but don't want to let her be the death of me.

I never met anyone who had a parent like mine and would like to talk to someone who shares my pain. thank you

[claudiaduffy]

Gorillatales,

Hi! I'm so sorry to hear your story, but glad you found this place. *LOTS* of us here have mothers with BPD or BPD traits, and some of us are Christians, too. It can be a difficult thing to find balance and healing because some misguided understanding - most often from poor teaching - of Christian concepts of honor and forgiveness. It's a difficult road for me and I've had some really good, robust teaching and help for over a decade from clinically qualified, mature Christians who understand emotional abuse and how it takes advantage and twists our beliefs.

Turning the do not disturb function on your phone on for the night sounds like a really great idea. Would you like to tell us more about what's going on with you and your mother?

[Boxernanna]

I am also Christian, but firmly believe that "honor your parents" does not mean putting up with a bullying, abusive relationship from a BPD parent. Abusive family relationships are unholy. Learning to heal your pain and learning mechanisms to deal with that parent and all their enablers  in a constructive way is imperative to upholding that commandment the way God meant it to be.

I am 56 and trying to heal from my BPD mother. I also despise her to the point of hatred.  I have steadily been decreasing my limited contact with her over the last 15 years, while trying to be supportive to my co-dependent father. That was not working. I still found my self esteem being trampled to the point it was affecting my work, my joy and my happiness. My trust issues were worsening.

Last September I could not take the craziness anymore. I asked my father to take my mother for a geriatric psych evaluation. He refused. Subsequently I told them I could no longer be a part of their abnormal relationship. I refuse to say "family", because we clearly were not that, except in a biological sense. My mother has told me repetitively she never wanted me as a child, wishes she had aborted me, and states she wishes I would die or she could kill me.

I have done a complete NC with both of them. It is not permanent right now, but since my parents are in their 80s, it could end that way. My plan is to give myself time to build constructive defense mechanisms and to heal my pain. I am grieving over the childhood I never had. I am trying to resolve my anger against a mother, who never loved me the way a mother should. I am also trying to resolve my anger against my father, who never stopped the bullying or abuse.

The peace I have felt during my complete NC is incredible. I finally have the emotional energy to devote to my goals. It has only been disrupted briefly by my brother's attempted intentional overdose. He also is a victim.

I pray daily for God's guidance in my quest. He knows my needs and my desires. I feel no guilt for my complete NC, because It is a positive tool to gain control of an impossible and destructive relationship. One day soon, I will receive the dreaded phone call, which will require me to step back in as an adult daughter. I plan to be ready.

[HappyChappy]

I am not able to tolerate her as much as when I was younger... .I'm a Christian... .How much of my life is lost to her... .feeling like I might have a heart attack from the stress.

 Welcome to our family - it's a lot less stressful. Totaly get your frustration, but I hope you will find techniques on this website that help with that. A BPD the age of your mom, isn't going to change. So we need to change how we view them (or go NC). I was brought up a Christian - but in order to be honoured as a parent, you must first behave like one. My BPD always behaved like an 6 year old girl, sound like you BPD is the same. So your finger up was about right for that audience.  Amazing how similar BPD are. Mine use to spit in my face, unprovoked. I put a thread out about it, and apparnetly loads of others BPD are spitters. 

[gorillatales]

I am also Christian, but firmly believe that "honor your parents" does not mean putting up with a bullying, abusive relationship from a BPD parent. Abusive family relationships are unholy. Learning to heal your pain and learning mechanisms to deal with that parent and all their enablers  in a constructive way is imperative to upholding that commandment the way God meant it to be.

I am 56 and trying to heal from my BPD mother. I also despise her to the point of hatred.  I have steadily been decreasing my limited contact with her over the last 15 years, while trying to be supportive to my co-dependent father. That was not working. I still found my self esteem being trampled to the point it was affecting my work, my joy and my happiness. My trust issues were worsening.

Last September I could not take the craziness anymore. I asked my father to take my mother for a geriatric psych evaluation. He refused. Subsequently I told them I could no longer be a part of their abnormal relationship. I refuse to say "family", because we clearly were not that, except in a biological sense. My mother has told me repetitively she never wanted me as a child, wishes she had aborted me, and states she wishes I would die or she could kill me.

I have  . I plan to be ready.

Thank you so much for your message.  I never looked at the fact that they must act like mothers to be honored as a mother.  My mother always believed that she was the best. She has been very generous at times but I always think there is a string attached or an ulterior motive such as me taking care of her. she is a widow (married three times) and needs a whole lot of attention.  My greatest fear is giving up the rest of my life to take care of her in her old age.  she is 77 now.  I admire you for breaking the tie and  am sorry that your Father couldn't protect you.  I never had any protection from her either.  I also have a brother who seems to live a normal life but I know she affected him and the result is a lot of anger.  I was the one that got most of her wrath though.  My brother does not tolerate her antics.  I only found out about this BPD from a therapist about 8 years ago.  I must say it was a load off and an eye opener. These mothers are lucky we never decked them. I guess its not too late.   She threatens me all the time that she will call the police for elder abuse but she is always the one being mean.  It really is frustrating and I think the only thing to do is limit time with them.  I have a good therapist now who is helping me with that and of course being a Christian is the best help ever.  I wish I had started all this many years ago.  Thank you for listening and hope to speak to you again.

[gorillatales]

I am not able to tolerate her as much as when I was younger... .I'm a Christian... .How much of my life is lost to her... .feeling like I might have a heart attack from the stress.

 Welcome to our family - it's a lot less stressful. Totaly get your frustration, but I hope you will find techniques on this website that help with that. A BPD the age of your mom, isn't going to change. So we need to change how we view them (or go NC). I was brought up a Christian - but in order to be honoured as a parent, you must first behave like one. My BPD always behaved like an 6 year old girl, sound like you BPD is the same. So your finger up was about right for that audience.  Amazing how similar BPD are. Mine use to spit in my face, unprovoked. I put a thread out about it, and apparnetly loads of others BPD are spitters. 

WOW spitting... .she has done that a few times but not in years.  she now growls and shows her teeth. Its actually very funny. . I will definitely take your advice and feel privileged to be here. thank you.