Does it get notably worse pre, present, post bu?

[DyingLove]

Have you seriously noted when the BPD gets worse, if it does or what the dramatic changes are?

Does it get notably worse Right before, During or After the Breakup?

[blissful_camper]

In my experience there really was no worse.  The maladaptive coping styles were continual but how those styles were expressed varied.  The process of idealization and the coping styles employed to sustain it were as extreme as the process of devaluation.  It was challenging for my ex to lean into a state of mind in between those extremes.  Idealization was as equally unhealthy and destructive as devaluation. 

[Perdita]

In my case it was during the breakup.  It was the ugliest part with him playing the victim even though it was very much the other way around.  He just couldn't handle that I finally stood up big time for myself and he became vindictive as a result.  I think most if not all BP people expect their partners to just keep eating the crap they dish up and even if we do complain they still expect us to be back at their table asking for more crap to be served up.  Say no to that in no uncertain terms and you are really in for it in my experience.

[Mutt]

I triggered my ex partners fear of abandonment by saying I wanted a divorce. I didn't understand that she was mentally ill and how triggering saying divorce was. It honestly could of happened at any time for any reason. I was fed up with her behaviors when I stood up for myself as well by setting boundaries with her for the first time where I had floating boundaries beforehand.

I was split black and the final year I think that she was at her worst in our relationship. Her dissociations and blame for the failure of the relationship and ownership for her actions with her distortions to family and friends before and after the break-up was an emotional barrage. I had not conceived that she had the enormity with the anger and vitriol reserved for me.

I have known her for a decade and she was at her worst with her behaviors. Two years after the break-up the bleeding has stopped and I'm slowly getting split white again. She's acting like the person that I recalled that was not acting to the nth degree. Everyone's experience with their partners are different.

[DyingLove]

Yes Mutt. Seems that everyone has their different outcome, some based on criteria and some seems based on the "set in" ways of our exes.  It's interesting to know the ways of the different individuals.

[Panda39]

Things amped up for my SO the 2 years (during B/U) they were separated and working toward divorce.  The ex had majority custody during this period.  Neither my SO or I knew about BPD until the last 6 months of the separation.

The now uBPDxw... .

Enabled older daughter to miss her entire first year of High School (to supposed do on-line school)

Ran a parental alienation campaign on dad

Had the kids spying on dad (reading his text messages/letters from me) and reporting back to her.

Had the kids going through dads things and reporting back to her (even the contents of the fridge  )

Accused him of child abuse (court found unfounded - she didn't even bother to show up)

Neglected her daughters... .filthy home (dog poo on the livingroom carpet  )

Neglected younger daughter's dental needs (ended up with a tooth extraction)

Neglected both daughters therapy needs (inconsistent about getting them there)

Was evicted twice during this period

Spent time living in her sisters basement

Used older daughter to steal dad's laptop (I assume to try and hack into it)

Made threats to keep the kids during dad's time

Made promises to the kids that were never followed through on

Lied about jobs she never really had

Constantly called SO or had the kids call for her (one Christmas Eve morning she called maybe 50 times in a row because my SO wasn't there to answer the phone my son finally put the phone under a pillow on my bed  )

So that was probably the most difficult time for my SO.

His uBPDxw would probably say post break up/now.  Both kids have either low or no contact with her, she lives in a hotel and she has 2 different court cases regarding money... .one is a felony charge.