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Hi,

My mum has a lot of traits of BPD. She struggles to control her emotions, is very argumentative, guilt trips me into doing things, is controlling and makes inappropriate/irrational/hurtful comments. She currently thinks me and my dad are conspiring against her. I am getting married in september and was swept into a big wedding by my mum. It has been battle after battle to make the our own! She is exhausting and thinks that we are at fault. I actually dont like ger anymore! Im trying to put coping mechanisms into place, ie setting boundaries, ignoring her, but its so emotionally exhausting. I struggle with the guilt she puts on me currently and therefore I am waiting for counselling to manage feeling better. How does everyone else cope with family member with BPD?

[Lozz]

Hi,

My mum has a lot of traits of BPD. She struggles to control her emotions, is very argumentative, guilt trips me into doing things, is controlling and makes inappropriate/irrational/hurtful comments. She currently thinks me and my dad are conspiring against her. I am getting married in september and was swept into a big wedding by my mum. It has been battle after battle to make the our own! She is exhausting and thinks that we are at fault. I actually dont like ger anymore! Im trying to put coping mechanisms into place, ie setting boundaries, ignoring her, but its so emotionally exhausting. I struggle with the guilt she puts on me currently and therefore I am waiting for counselling to manage feeling better. How does everyone else cope with family member with BPD?

[screechowl]

We cope the best we can.  One day at a time.  We come here and realize that we are not alone, that so many others like you feel the same pain we feel when a BPD family member behaves the way you describe your Mum. 

You have taken the most important first step.  You have come here for assistance and a shoulder to cry on.  There are many shoulders here and lots of assistance.  I should spend much more time here than I do, but I seem to only find my way back in a crisis.  When I do I gain so much from the community.  You will too.

Try to remember that words are just words, no matter who says them.  Yes, if you take the words seriously they will lead to guilt and trigger bad feelings, but no one ever said you need to take the words seriously.   If the words do not make sense to you then you should not allow them to trigger guilt. 

Your Mum's brain is wired in a way that causes these conflicts. If you read the posts here and start reading the recommended books you will learn quickly how to cope.  Then you will come back to these coping strategies again and again. 

I have a dBPD mother and a uBPD father.  They are divorced.  Some days I get it from both sides.  I am lucky enough to have a strong support network to lean on, but even with that it is difficult for those who have not had to live with a BPD family member to understand the strong feelings (especially guilt) that I feel.

I hope these thoughts have helped.

[Panda39]

Hi Lozz,

I'd like to join screechowl and welcome you to the BPD Family.

You have a double whammy  ... .mom with BPD traits and a Wedding (stressful for even the most healthy mothers and daughters  ) It's no wonder you're exhausted.

You've made a good choice to reach out for help, counseling can help in the "real world" and we can give support here too.

Feelings of guilt are part of the "FOG"-Fear, Obligation & Guilt (emotional blackmail) that many of us with pwBPD (people with BPD) in our lives find ourselves swallowed up by. You are not alone.  Here is a link to more information on FOG for you to check out https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

You have also touched on an important tool when dealing with your mom and that is boundaries.  Boundaries are key to expressing what is acceptable to you and what is not and pwBPD are masters at pushing and testing boundaries .   The key is sticking to your boundaries and this I know is difficult to do particularly with a parent.  It's made more difficult at the moment because you are probably already busy and stressed with your wedding plans.  Below are some links to more information on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Part of the puzzle here too, is for you to take care of yourself.  Try to create some down time, take a deep breath and relax for just a little while.  Lean on your fiance and friends too I'm sure they want to help. 

I also want to point out the "Lessons" links in the box to the right --------------------------------->

for some additional information.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding I know you will have a lovely day 

Panda39

[Lozz]

Thank you for both replying. I can get counselling for free at university so ive booked an appointment today. I dont feel like people understand so think going to counselling will help and talking on here. Its great to find people who are going through the same things!

Im finding boundaries are really hard to put in place but will keep going and fingers crossed it will get easier!

Will definately get some books on BPD too

Thanks

Laura 

[Panda39]

I can get counselling for free at university so ive booked an appointment today. I dont feel like people understand so think going to counselling will help and talking on here. Its great to find people who are going through the same things!

Will definately get some books on BPD too

Nice! Free therapy   

A good book you might want to check out is... .

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship  by Christine Ann Lawson

A good general book on the topic is... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS & Randi Kreger

Another place to check is your library that's where I first started.

Keep posting your questions or issues as they come up you'll get all kinds of support and ideas from the folks here.

I'm glad you found us