Hello all,
I found this forum and read quite a lot recently... .and now feel like sharing my story... .which is nothing extraordinary, I know, but for many reasons - below- I need to share with someone and I am really looking for any possible advice on how to cope... .It is going to be a long post, I am sorry for that, but i will try to keep it as short as possible.
I knew my now ex BP (type2) bf for 5 years, we work together and have some friends in common, but we have never been really closed, more aquaintance than friends, until a night last november in which for some reason we 'clicked'. We spent the night together, and because of the work related issues, I suggested we moved on and let what happened behind us. He agreed for a couple of days, then asked me out. He was fashinating, sexy, carsmatic... .and couldnt say no (I wish I did!).We kept our interaction casual for a couple of weeks, but after a weekend away, we were fully into a relationship... .During that weekend he mentioned he had BP, and still struggling with a long term burnout and for this reason he felt he had to work on himself, and wasn't ready for a relationship. I tried therefore to keep our things casual, but he pushed (with his behaviour) to get more and more involved. He was amazing, seemed like he couldnt spend one day without me, loving, caring, passionate, everything... .and when I tried to tell him he might need some space for himself, he would just hug me and say that he wanted to enjoy me to the full. I fell so madly - and apparently did he, considering that he said soon he loved me, that I was the person he wanted by his side. We both went on separate pre-arranged holidays, and we would call/text/ skype so much that our phone bills were embarassing and I forgot about the whole bp-burnout thing. When I came back from my last trip, he mentioned he should start again working on himself, and I agreed to have more time apart (I was so taken that I stopped doing my normal activities myself, simple things, like the gym... .) but everytime I would mention it he would just convince me - didnt require much effort to be honest- to still spend another night/day together... .In the meantime I changed my place, he invited me to stay at his until my furniture arrive. We basically lived together, also regardless of me moving, for 5 months. I can count the nights we spent apart on one hand. He helped with the move, came furniture shopping with me... .everything... .Then he started withdrawing, one month ago more or less. I felt like the ground was opening under my feet, and - little I knew there on how to cope- I made the mistake of not giving him space, but actually becoming more needy - a trait which I never had before him. And he was there, seconding me, in a way, but more and more stressed, until we ended up in a fight in which i said I would leave him. He convinced me to stay, to think about it, and i stayed, even if it was the first time I had seen his dark side, smashing things, shouting etc. Days passed, and he would still be by my side (I had a breakdown at work due to some job related issues) but in a way more distant, emotionally, and he started hiding some silly things to me... .When I found out, I lashed out and he promised to fix it, said he loved me and I was the reason he would smile in the morning... .to change his mind 2 days after and say he doesnt want romance in his life, that I just want a piece of him, that he wants to be alone... .to change again his mind... .(we are almost at the end, I promise
). I stood there, starting feeling more and more anxious, not sleeping at night while him would cuddle me to make me relax, or I would talk to him to make him fall asleep as he was more and more stressed. He lost the perception of time. Didnt know how to fit all his tasks (which are very little things to do)in one day. We work closely (unfortunately, I say now... .) and one day he lost it again... .smashing coffee cup, incapacitated to do the smallest easiest thing at work, I had to spend 12 hours in my free day to help him finishing a task with a deadline, while he was shouting at me. 2 days later, we hanged out. He was again sort of attracted to me, we were intimate but in a different way, he - the guy who couldnt stop cuddling me- would just turn on the tv after... .The morning after I woke up in tears. I cried for the next 2 days, feeling lost and alone, while trying to thing of how to patch the situation, what had I done wrong, what was going on. He brought me food - I was blocked with my back, something I suspect is not physical at all- and agreed to hang up on saturday... .4 days ago. We agree in the morning but something didnt sound right in his voice. I called him and he said that now that he knew he had an 'appointment' he felt stressed again and about to have a panick attack. I call him later to check on him and he lost it... .I go to his place to collect my stuff, he started saying mean things to me, and again smashing and throwing things. I go home as quickly as possible and he calls to apologise, and come to my place. We finally discuss more or less calmly. He told me about his past relationships, when after more or less the same amount of time he would lose his feelings for the person he was with, to have them maybe back again but in the meantime putting his partner throu hell, faking sentiments he didnt have, so much that 3 of his 4 previous gfs ended up in therapy (and one in a psychiatric hospital). He told me he still loves me, but he lost the magnetism from the beginning - which I assumed it was also normal, after the honeymoon phase- that his feelings are there but being pushed away by the need to finding himself and that he will learn not to want me as he is still attracted to me, because he needs to be alone. This was like a mantra, I promise, I need to be alone, I need time for myself, I wanted to spend time with you but now I need to have time... .over and over... .I tried to reason, to explain that we could have our spaces as individuals and complement it by being togehter in a less symbiotic way, but no way... .I was wondering how those feelings which seemed so intense could have faded, if I did someething wrong - which he denied, saying that if it wasn't me we would not have lasted even those 6 months- and he didn't want to drag me with him but still being part of my life as a friend.
I see, rationally, that this would not be the relationship I need in my life... .even if this Prince Charming I met at the beginning still haunts me in my dream, with his sweet words, the cuddling, the small things he did for me... .I cannot talk about it with any of my friends, as we are working closely together and decided not to make our relationship public, and I will have to see him on a daily basis from tuesday at work.
My heart is broken, I genuinely believed he was the guy I always hoped to find... .and now I do not know who he is... .what he feels... .
To be honest, part of me prays for him to come back... .we havent spoken in 2 days, last time was with a happy holiday message we exchanged (and when I called him after - yes, I shouldnt have, i know) he didnt pick up neither returned my call later on... .part of me is killed by the thought that while I am here heartbroken he is enjoying his hoildays, not giving a rat about me, maybe already 'having fun' with someone else... .and I didnt manage to sleep properly or eat properly in the last 2 weeks, more or less.
I am emotionally drained by all this thoughts, all the rollercoaster... .
My questions/needs for advice are... .
Is it normal to feel so crushed? Even if you know that it could be for the best, I feel like someone is tearing apart my stomach... .
Is it normal to feel torn between the thought that he is bad news, as he used to say, and the desire to have him back? this is so strong that keeps me awake at night, along with the nice memories we shared and the fear of him having got over me already (it has been 4 days only... .)
I have decide not to contact him, deleted pictures and most importantly his phone number not to be tempted, but I am burning to call him... .to ask him how the hell this happened, to beg for another chance... .well I will not do it, but this is the picture... .
Finally, we work 6 hour per day shoulder by shoulder, and none of us can leave at the moment... .and on top of that, he persists with wanting to be friend... .I am not sure I am strong enough for this... .
At the moment, I go by the day. I am visiting my family now, which doesn't know about it and I cannot tell, so I have also to pull the happy face in front of them... .
Thank you for patiently reading this... .
