Mother dBPD, father non. how to accept loss of father as well as mom?

[wheresmymom]

Long story short, my mom has never really been a mother. She has recently 'disowned' me again and forbidding my dad to speak to me. He called me on his cell, crying, to inform me of this last sunday. I have since emailed him and he asked me not to, that he will contact me. That following week he told her he wanted out of the marriage. But has since emailed me that it's just easier to stay... .

I've finally accepted that no matter how good of a daughter I am, my mom will never love me. I accept that and decided that I should have no contact with her ever again, to protect myself and my children from the emotional toll it takes. (though it still hurts like heck) But there's my dad... .I feel horrible that he is 'stuck' in the middle. I cant imagine being in his shoes. I want a relationship with him, but mom forbids it. I'm not so willing to let my realtionship with my dad go. I was secretely hoping he would leave her, after 40 yrs of marriage. Maybe then I'd at least have a relationship with him, which we all want and deserve. Sometimes I get angry, wondering why he doesn't just stand up to her and tell her that he will talk to me if he wants. But I realize he's in a bad spot. I guess I just want to hear from others who have done NC with a dBPD parent and still maintained some sort of relationship/communication with the nonBPD parent.

Also, I have no childhood memories of my mom, though I know she was there, physically present anyhow. My earliest memory of her is late teen/early adult years (I am 33 now). I wonder if I repressed it as a form of self protection. 

I do have a brother, 2 years older. She talks to him and doesn't treat him like she does me. I guess that part is hard for me to understand... .Me she's disowned several times, called a failure, a charity case, etc etc. I dont understand that. I work hard, support my two kids, lived on my own since 18, always held a job, top 10% in school, tried to be the 'good kid', while my brother was locked up in detention centers through his teen years. I just always wanted to stay to myself, out of their hair, so they could deal with those stresses. I battled depression, self mutilation and 3 hospital stays. All the while, wondering why mom didnt love me... .I now have more of an understanding of her diagnosis. Yet... .it still hurts. I still yearn for a mom, for approval.

[bpdfamfan]

Your dad is just collateral damage. He is an adult and needs to stand up to her and have a relationship with you independent of her, or live without a relationship with his daughter. Big loss for him.

You need to workmen being your own mom, your own best friend. You'll be ok when you get away from the negativity.

As for your favored brother... .poor guy. He will have a harder time escaping. Trust me, you're in the better position.

[SadBPDdaughter]

My heart goes out to you. I have the exact same situation. Dad has 4 kids (2 from first marriage, then me and my younger brother). Dad can't see any of us except younger bro. She just makes life too difficult. It hurts that he can't find the strength to say : "they are my children and I am going to visit them for an hour". But he is scared she will make yet another suicide attempt. His main loyalty is to his wife.

I was the child that popped in all the time, treated her to nice things, listened to her cry and offered support. My brother spoke to her like cr*p, treated her like an unpaid maid, and never gave anything of himself. But he is the one that can do no wrong. It hurts doesn't it.

I'm 44 now and only found the strength to say ENOUGH 9 months ago. It's Father's Day tomorrow here in England and I won't even be able to call him. She makes it impossible for him to talk. I sent him a card and present and spoke of good times and memories. But it's his choice to not make a stand. It doesn't stop me loving him but there's a part of me that feels angry. Dads are meant to protect us from hurt ... Aren't they?

I focus now on my kids, being the best mum I can be, and tell myself that it's their loss. They are missing out on a lot of love. I get all I need from my kids ... .I don't need parents who think more of themselves than me. I hope you can also find that peace inside x

[Panda39]

Hi wheresmymom,

Welcome to the BPD Family.   

I'd like to say that going No Contact does not have to be forever nothing has to be set in stone.  There can be more than one approach to this situation.

Maybe you go no contact put some distance between you and your mom (and dad) and work on some skills that help you better negotiate the situation with your mom/parents. See a therapist get some support and coaching on how to handle the situation in a different way then you have been.  The make contact again and use your new tools.

Maybe you try setting boundaries around what behaviors you will and won't accept from your mother. Here is a link to a discussion about Boundaries if your interested. https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Or maybe you go no contact permanently (while leaving the door open to your dad to reach out if he decides he can)

I agree with what the others here have said about the choice to stay being your father's it is up to him to make the decision to leave his marriage.  He is an adult and he is currently choosing to stay with your mom for his own reasons.  He has been with her for many years and has taken care of himself and will continue to do so.  Choosing her and his marriage is his decision, and you have your own decision to make.  That decision is what is best for you and if your dad loves you he would want you to make the best decision you can for yourself... .for your life... .for your happiness.

I know this decision is hard and is painful and I know you love your parents but they like all of us are flawed.  You need to do the best you can to care for you.

I'm on these boards because my SO (Significant Other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex wife)and two daughters.  D18 is currently NC (No Contact) with her mother and D14 is LC (Low Contact) with her mother.  D14 has begun using boundaries with her mother and now is in some control of the relationship. Below is another post of mine demonstrating D14 use of boundaries... .

I just wanted to give a shout out to my SO's D14. She is learning to set boundaries!  I'm really proud of her 

Backstory:

D14 is the painted black daughter and her sister D18 is the golden daughter.

 

Currently D18 is VLC to NC with her uBPDmom.

D14 was hospitalized a year ago for suicide threats and has since been diagnosed with PTSD. 

D18 went away to college last Fall and uBPDmom began being even harder on D14 there was a lot of conflict between mom & D14 (mom being mean to her)

Last December D18 and D14 pretty much stopped seeing their mother

. 

D14 has decided she wants to try and have a relationship with her mom again, in a limited way.  She will spend some time with her mom if another adult (one of mom's friends... .I think there are 2 left) is present (this keeps mom mostly on the straight and narrow)... .Nice Boundary #1 

D14 decided to spend a little time with her uBPDmom for Mother's Day... .all mom did was talk about D18 (who wants nothing to do with her) and bad mouth my SO.  D14 came home hurt and disappointed (because mom was not able to focus any attention on her)

D14 and uBPDmom (and friend) made plans to go out to dinner last night.  D14 went to mom's after school and again mom started talking about D18 and their dad. This time D14 told her mother that this was their time (her's & mom's) together and she didn't want to talk about her sister and dad... .expressed/stood up for herself... .Requested Boundary #2. 

UBPDmom continued the same topics of conversation so 45 minutes into their visit she told the friend to please drive her home... .Enforced Boundary #3! 

D14's behavior the last few days shows so much progress on her part!  At 14 she is catching on to things that many adults have difficulty with.  I'm really proud of her! 

I have seen both of these girls handle their mother in the way that works best for them.  Each has chosen a different way and each may adjust how they do things as there are twists and turns with their mother. 

I'm glad you've found us there are many members here that have faced what you are and I know other members will post more of their stories and ideas.  We all understand how difficult it is to have a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives.

Take care,

Panda39

PS As a side note it sounds like your mother has been engaging in "Splitting" with you and your brother.  Here is a link on the subject of "Splitting" if your interested in reading more about it. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

[wheresmymom]

Thank you all so much for your stories and ideas. I prayed a lot. I yelled at God, I questioned Him. And I thanked Him for being a God of love, that can handle my anger. :-) I came to peace with it all for the first time ever. I decided it's in *my* best interest and my kids' best interest for me to cut ties with her. I became thankful that my dad was there for her, even still. That he promised her forever and as much as he doesn't want to, he is. He chose her forever, not us kids. We were gifted to him for 18 years. I realize she did the best with raising me as she was able.

Then my dad called. I was on speaker phone (he gave me heads up ahead of time). He wanted to talk about the situation with mom and pretty much just said they want to see us more. I put on my happy voice and told them coming over Saturday (tomorrow) would be great. (Dad's idea). I told them I'd cook them a meal. Mom quickly nixed that idea while still on the phone, tho she wouldn't talk to me herself. Dad said he'd contact me later in the week. He texted. Mom is mad, saying dad made her sound like the bad guy.  My inner peace was once again gone. I am so sick of the turmoil. I knew I shouldn't even play along with seeing them (her) again since I finally accepted it as it was. So today I get an email from dad, under a new email address to be used for 'private conversation'. I understand he doesn't want to lose me but I'm not sure him sneaking around to talk to me is ideal for their marriage.

My thought is to email him. Tell him I found peace and acceptance to the situation. That I harbor no I'll feelings but that I must step out of the situation/relationship with mom for the health of my household. So from there, with my mind made up that I'm done, do I contact mom and let her know?

[Panda39]

So today I get an email from dad, under a new email address to be used for 'private conversation'. I understand he doesn't want to lose me but I'm not sure him sneaking around to talk to me is ideal for their marriage.

I agree that this is probably not good it creates triangulation which is not really healthy and puts you both in a dishonest position. Below is some info on Triangulation... .

Triangulation

When two people are in some conflict and one enlists or aligns with a third party to support their position.  Triangulation, as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing great intensity will naturally involve a third party to reduce anxiety” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).

This unhealthy dynamic commonly happens in family, close friendship, or organizations.  Who or what is right is determined more by the pairing than the issues.

The concept was originated by Bowen in his study of family systems: www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html

My thought is to email him. Tell him I found peace and acceptance to the situation. That I harbor no I'll feelings but that I must step out of the situation/relationship with mom for the health of my household.

 

I think this is good and I think he will understand.

So from there, with my mind made up that I'm done, do I contact mom and let her know?

Members have differing opinions on this one.  Some feel it's important to communicate their pwBPD (person with BPD) that they are going no contact and why, some just do it, and others just gradually fade away.

What feels like the best approach to you? What do you think her reaction to sending an email breaking contact and why?  What would her reaction be if you just stopped all communication?  How do you think you'd handle her reactions?

Panda39

[wheresmymom]

What feels like the best approach to you? What do you think her reaction to sending an email breaking contact and why?  What would her reaction be if you just stopped all communication?  How do you think you'd handle her reactions?

If I email her regarding breaking contact, she probably won't respond but take anger out on my dad, somehow blaming him.

If I stop all communication, she will probably always wonder and ask my dad to contact me, not knowing that I will have already emailed him.

My best bet, for the their sake, may be to email her.   but gosh... .how do I do that?

[wheresmymom]

I hate to hurt her, regardless of how toxic I see our relationship. I know I NEED out. It affects me too much. But I'm not sure how to do such a thing. How do I lessen the sting to her?

[Panda39]

I know you want to balance the truth with not hurting your mom and by extension your dad.

You can do a draft email and post it and get some feed back from the members here.  I did that once with a letter I was trying to write to my SO's daughter.  It was really helpful and productive for me.

[SadBPDdaughter]

What feels like the best approach to you? What do you think her reaction to sending an email breaking contact and why?  What would her reaction be if you just stopped all communication?  How do you think you'd handle her reactions?

If I email her regarding breaking contact, she probably won't respond but take anger out on my dad, somehow blaming him.

If I stop all communication, she will probably always wonder and ask my dad to contact me, not knowing that I will have already emailed him.

My best bet, for the their sake, may be to email her.   but gosh... .how do I do that?

This is what I did , although of course this doesn't make it the 'right' answer but it worked for me.

I've found that my Dad gets the fall out no matter what happens or how hard I have tried to be diplomatic in the past. With this condition, you never know how the BPD is going to wake up that day and deal with whatever emotion they are feeling inside. So in the end, I decided to just be honest, and protect MYSELF. Because as sad as it is, and as much as I've wanted it, my Dad has never protected me through all these years of dealing with the pain my Mum has caused. He has always protected her. As you said in a previous post, they CHOSE our mother and through some amazing loyalty, will continue to do so.

After 3 epic telephone conversations with my Mum at the height of her illness last year, I realised that no matter how hard I tried to explain the logic of what had recently happened, she was just either unwilling or unable to see or understand the destruction she was causing, or that her paranoid thoughts were her enemy, not me. I begged her to listen, and told her I loved her many times. It almost broke me.

She was sending me letters after that, disconnecting herself from me in the way she wrote. ie, when speaking about family members, she didn't write ':)ad' or 'my brother's name', she would write 'my husband' and 'my son'. They were full of hate and blame. Then would sign off with her name, not 'Mum'.

After ignoring the first 3, I finally replied. I answered all 3 letters in one shot, basically correcting all of the assumptions and crazy statements. Explaining each and every situation that she referred to from a logical point of view. I then (for the last time) told her that I loved her, but could not deal with this situation anymore. That it was going to make ME ill and that I had my own family to look after, which I couldn't do if I let her destroy me. I told her that I had been a good daughter and supported her emotionally for so many years, that I didn't deserve to be spoken to or treated like this. And until she could acknowledge that she was wrong about me, (on so many levels) and recognised the pain she was causing and tried to resolve it and move on, I would not be able to have a relationship with her.

This letter covered many years and examples of our negative relationship and I hope that if and when she starts to get better she will read it again and perhaps see things from the right perspective. For no she has ignored it (9 months) and Dad isn't having a great time ... .but remember that was his choice. It's not our responsibility to protect them. We are the child. They are the parent. I now sleep better at night and know that I have done everything possible in the past ... I feel no guilt.