Figured out ONE THING.

[DyingLove]

As I sat eating my dinner by myself, I was talking out loud.  I was asking questions and making statements and telling my ex how I feel and what she has done to me. Kinda like writing that letter that you never mail.

Well during my rant, which was very normal toned and intelligent and calm, I actually was able to recognize, what I think is the main thing that has been making me crazy.  This thought may not be complete, and I hope you will let me know if you read something out of it that I don't or didn't see.  This is very simple actually.

She did a couple of things here:  She promised me love and forever with her and didn't deliver. She gave me a family, Her, her 18yo, and her 9yo, and took it and them away.

Thats it. In a nutshell without adding all the millions of complications.

I wanted her and her love and her family. She gave it all to me. It WAS mine for those 4 years. Then she took it all away from me. And I think she has no clue or not a care that she practically took my life away.  Now I don't have it.  I think that is what is killing me.

Before I rave on and get myself deeper into what I think is the root cause here, someone/everyone let me know your opinion.  I don't really know if I am at a differnt stage of the game,  my mind is not being my friend and my heart and my logic are battling it out constantly.  Help please.

[mitatsu]

i felt exactly the same in the early days... .she gave me love a family all i ever longed for

and now i realise what she truly gave me when it all fell apart was the chance to look at myself and not waste this precious gift that is my life and im thankful for that as i found a new confident me who loves himself in a healthy way

[Mutt]

Hi DyingLove,

I can understand how difficult it is to lose a family. Your ex partner likely didn't validate you and showed very little empathy. You're likely not at a different stage of the game, it takes time for the heart to catch-up with your head.

You suffered loss and the path to healing is different for everyone and not everyone experiences it the same way.

[fromheeltoheal]

She did a couple of things here:  She promised me love and forever with her and didn't deliver. She gave me a family, Her, her 18yo, and her 9yo, and took it and them away.

Thats it. In a nutshell without adding all the millions of complications.

Nice way to condense things Dying, that's clarity right there.

she practically took my life away.  Now I don't have it.  I think that is what is killing me.

It does feel like that, because of what we make it mean.  When we go emotionally all-in with someone and create a life together and that gets taken away, it can leave a big void.  I'm sorry that happened.  And it's not killing you, it's a challenge that has been presented to you to overcome, and you are strong enough or you wouldn't have been given that one.  And once you do, one day you'll have the opportunity to create a life with someone else, an older, wiser, better version of you, someone who will be able to spot personality disorders up front so you don't go down that path again.  In the meantime, try rephrasing things like 'took my life away' and 'killing me', and you might want to consider changing your username here to something more empowering than DyingLove.  I'm not trying to minimize the pain you're in, I'm suggesting the labels we apply to things are powerful, and a little reframing can go a long way.  Take care of you!

[DyingLove]

Good points from everyone!  Thank you.  It's true, we start to believe and visualize with the words we use.  I'm a Brooklyn boy, we said a lot of colorful words growing up and sometimes they are hard to change.  I have changed much over the years, but still.

FromHeeltoheal, Changing my name... .might be a GOOD idea!  I did change my signature, was recommended to do so and I found that to be a good idea also!

I am changing, little by little, but small steps get you there... .maybe a little slower, but eventually.

I can understand how difficult it is to lose a family. Your ex partner likely didn't validate you and showed very little empathy. You're likely not at a different stage of the game, it takes time for the heart to catch-up with your head.

You suffered loss and the path to healing is different for everyone and not everyone experiences it the same way.

Correct Mutt, very little validation and empathy/sympathy were saved for her daughter and other blood relatives.  Often I had to sit back and watch that.  Often my heart broke as I was overlooked to the tune of other people. It made me feel dirty inside.  I agree with the race between my heart and head. One is winning but they both feel like losers at times.  Kinda like a relay race.

Mutt, any instructions if I should want to change my screen name? Or is it not recommended on the boards?

[AwakenedOne]

As I sat eating my dinner by myself, I was talking out loud. I was asking questions and making statements and telling my ex how I feel and what she has done to me.

I remember having conversations with myself like that. I used to cut the grass and while pushing the lawnmower talk to myself and debate and calmly reason but after about 20 minutes of sweating I'd get worked up instead of destressing and I would call her nasty names loudly while pushing the mower but under the volume of the lawnmower motor I guess or not who knows? Probably the neighbors heard a curse word or two.

I cut the grass 2 days ago. I had no conversations with myself.

You'll get there too bro, it just takes time.

The way I see it, they didn't really give us anything. It was all just a loan with ridiculous conditions placed.

[eeks]

In the meantime, try rephrasing things like 'took my life away' and 'killing me'

I don't necessarily agree with that recommendation.  Using statements like that to get to the feelings behind them (grief, despair, anger, whatever it is), immersing in that feeling fully, and then asking, when do I remember feeling this way before?  could be useful.

Of course if those statements of feeling robbed of life and dead are on constant repeat, it might be time to try a cognitive approach.

[DyingLove]

Well it certainly does come more natural to use words that flow. Words I've always used, because even though they might sound harsh to some, they sound just right to me.  But only I will know for sure when I can properly use other descriptive terms.

Awakened, I've also gone, at times, from calm speech to anger.  I think it's just gotta happen sometimes.  I mean when I was with the ex, I went from LOVE to LOVE, I had no worries about being me, life just flowed how it was supposed to.  I guess raging at time is also what is supposed to be.  We can't correct everything about ourselves, then we are being self controlling I guess... .oh geez, now I gotta watch out for that controlling guy called "ME", .  Darn, the story plot thickens!

After going to the gym last night, I can see where everything MAY change again.  I'm totally physically exhausted this morning, but with overtones of feeling good. I always look at exercise like swishing and swashing your hand thru a fish tank. The dirt from the gravel comes up and mixes with the already filtered water.  So I've got sediment getting stirred up in me and it might trigger something until I adjust. But for now, tired.  I'm thinking of her, but it feels like a brick may be lying on top of her, and she's not allowed to rise up yet.

I still feel crappy about my life not being where I would like it to be.  I'm sometimes afraid to be happy for what I have, because what If I learn to settle for only what I have and not try to get out of it?  Baby steps today.  I'm still NC and that is a good thing though!  :-)

Good morning and thank you all!  :-)

[DyingLove]

My son is watching a comedy special, there was a part where airport security was  made fun of.

Immediately, I said to my son, "I used to do that all the time!" I was introduced to flying and airports when my relationship with the ex began. The only reason I flew was to go to Florida to be with her.

So immediately after saying that to him, thoughts rushed thru my head at light speed, I got choked up, thick heavy feeling behind my eyes and a sadness that is second to none.  Thought of the traveling, her meeting me at the airport, her dropping me off at the airport, the happiness of seeing her and the sadness of leaving after my visits with her. (not talking breakup time).  My son is in the other room with customers and I'm sitting here wiping drops from my cheek before he comes back.  How embarrassing.  But how fast I was triggered and brought down.

I don't know why I drop from certain thoughts so darn quickly, tell me this friends, do you do this too?  Is it just that we keep it often to ourselves?

[sbr1050]

The way I see it, they didn't really give us anything. It was all just a loan with ridiculous conditions placed.

Yes, that is exactly what it was.  I raised my 62 year old ex's two daughters for most of the 18 years.  I was the mom to them since they were 7 and 10.  I was more of a parent to them than he was.  Maintaining contact with them, tho,  is probably not going to work - he groomed them to be overly accepting of his behavior.  When I heard he was dating a 23 year old (who he married a few weeks ago, after a 5 month courtship), I reached out to the older daughter.  All she said when I asked her how she was doing about it, "I just want you both to be happy".  A couple of months later, the younger daughter stopped by and answered exactly the same.  It is like they are robots who were programmed to answer the same way.  I saw this over the whole 18 years - they somehow always stuck by their mentally disordered father, no matter what.

I will not cut myself off from them but they are both in their late 20's and can make their own choices.  I am here.  I will continue to wish them happy birthdays, merrry christmas, send baby gifts, all the things I always did.  But sadly, I know that they have all moved on and the family that I invested so much time on, it was all a sham.

[Hopeless777]

Hi DyingLove,

I can understand how difficult it is to lose a family. Your ex partner likely didn't validate you and showed very little empathy. You're likely not at a different stage of the game, it takes time for the heart to catch-up with your head.

You suffered loss and the path to healing is different for everyone and not everyone experiences it the same way.

My heart finally caught up with my head, or at least nearly so. It's taken a year. Freedom at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last! 30 years of slavery to a dBPDw and I'm finally free!

[DyingLove]

Hi DyingLove,

I can understand how difficult it is to lose a family. Your ex partner likely didn't validate you and showed very little empathy. You're likely not at a different stage of the game, it takes time for the heart to catch-up with your head.

You suffered loss and the path to healing is different for everyone and not everyone experiences it the same way.

My heart finally caught up with my head, or at least nearly so. It's taken a year. Freedom at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last! 30 years of slavery to a dBPDw and I'm finally free!

Glad to hear this hopeless777.  Your excitement actually excites me!  Knowing that it's on the way... .and you've been involved for 30 years. God bless you, there's gotta be a special place in the "hall of souls" for you!

[StarOfTheSea]

DL,

I can relate to what you're talking about. It really hit me this morning that what my exBPDbf stole from me is hope. We were expecting a little one, we were going to be together, we were it for each other. I had such hopes for us and I was so optimistic. Now I feel like 'what do I have to look forward to or hope for?' I feel like he's stolen that optimism from me.

[DyingLove]

DL,

I can relate to what you're talking about. It really hit me this morning that what my exBPDbf stole from me is hope. We were expecting a little one, we were going to be together, we were it for each other. I had such hopes for us and I was so optimistic. Now I feel like 'what do I have to look forward to or hope for?' I feel like he's stolen that optimism from me.

You hit it right on the head.  We were cheated.  Just like I wanted so badly to marry her. REALLY.  I went into the relationship with the thoughts of NEVER getting married because of my experience with my sons mother.  I changed my mind. I fell so in love with A that I'm still in love to this very exact moment.  Love her and in love with her.  So it was an ongoing kinda debate, and she said that one day we would be married, after the 9yo turned 18 or so.  She was so concerned with keeping her ex's last name for the sake of the child.  Really sickened me though... .But ok.  So along the way, I brought up marriage on several occasions and this one freakin' time she said to me, "do you really want to marry me?" and I got excited and said "YES!", there was a pause and I asked her the same: "did she want to marry me?", she said NO.  I was so crushed.  My hurt and pain could have leveled a city.

She has/had no clue how selfish her statement and thoughts were! At this exact moment, the simultaneous anger I have for her is incredible. I still cannot fathom how much she took away from me.  It's like torture, rip my teeth out one by one, drip water on my forehead, sheer torture. No chance for the hope and faith we once built up into a skyscraper.  The ex that promised a future, that promised all the Christmas's, and every New Year celebration, I would get to watch her grow old with me as well as the child grow into a woman. I always talked about the grand canyon and a trip with them to NYC in the winter... .all these trips, vacations, memories and never to be.  I can't continue.

[Mister Brightside]

(1) Good to know I'm not the only one who talks to myself. I also "talk to her" as if I'm writing a letter I'll never send. I am a religious person and believe in an afterlife, so I feel she may one day receive the message. It is therapeutic since it's not possible to have a healthy conversation with her as it stands.

(2) Are you by chance codependent? I've learned that codependents (such as myself) are undeveloped like borderlines and narcissists. If you've ever read or listened to Ross Rosenberg, he talks about relationship math and how two half people (a codependent and a borderline/narcissist) equal one person, so codependents, no matter how poorly the relationship is going, feel complete, or at least enough that makes them content enough not have to live alone in toxic loneliness. Ideally, we work on our codependency, become a whole person, then we find another whole person.

(3) I see that you traveled to Florida to see her. I've said this before, but it amazes me how many people here met their borderlines in Florida. What is in the water down there?

[StarOfTheSea]

DL,

I can relate to what you're talking about. It really hit me this morning that what my exBPDbf stole from me is hope. We were expecting a little one, we were going to be together, we were it for each other. I had such hopes for us and I was so optimistic. Now I feel like 'what do I have to look forward to or hope for?' I feel like he's stolen that optimism from me.

You hit it right on the head.  We were cheated.  Just like I wanted so badly to marry her. REALLY.  I went into the relationship with the thoughts of NEVER getting married because of my experience with my sons mother.  I changed my mind. I fell so in love with A that I'm still in love to this very exact moment.  Love her and in love with her.  So it was an ongoing kinda debate, and she said that one day we would be married, after the 9yo turned 18 or so.  She was so concerned with keeping her ex's last name for the sake of the child.  Really sickened me though... .But ok.  So along the way, I brought up marriage on several occasions and this one freakin' time she said to me, "do you really want to marry me?" and I got excited and said "YES!", there was a pause and I asked her the same: "did she want to marry me?", she said NO.  I was so crushed.  My hurt and pain could have leveled a city.

She has/had no clue how selfish her statement and thoughts were! At this exact moment, the simultaneous anger I have for her is incredible. I still cannot fathom how much she took away from me.  It's like torture, rip my teeth out one by one, drip water on my forehead, sheer torture. No chance for the hope and faith we once built up into a skyscraper.  The ex that promised a future, that promised all the Christmas's, and every New Year celebration, I would get to watch her grow old with me as well as the child grow into a woman. I always talked about the grand canyon and a trip with them to NYC in the winter... .all these trips, vacations, memories and never to be.  I can't continue.

I totally get it. After all his promises of marriage and forever, someone at the coffee place we used to go to asked if we were getting married... .And his answer " uhhhhh". But then again, he was attempting to triangulate me with every female he knew, even the barista.

That made me feel really bad and ashamed. And also really stupid.

[DyingLove]

(1) Good to know I'm not the only one who talks to myself. I also "talk to her" as if I'm writing a letter I'll never send. I am a religious person and believe in an afterlife, so I feel she may one day receive the message. It is therapeutic since it's not possible to have a healthy conversation with her as it stands.

(2) Are you by chance codependent? I've learned that codependents (such as myself) are undeveloped like borderlines and narcissists. If you've ever read or listened to Ross Rosenberg, he talks about relationship math and how two half people (a codependent and a borderline/narcissist) equal one person, so codependents, no matter how poorly the relationship is going, feel complete, or at least enough that makes them content enough not have to live alone in toxic loneliness. Ideally, we work on our codependency, become a whole person, then we find another whole person.

(3) I see that you traveled to Florida to see her. I've said this before, but it amazes me how many people here met their borderlines in Florida. What is in the water down there?

MrBrightside, you are far from the only one that talks to himself.  But yes, I do it all the time!

I was looking into the codependent thingie.  I thought I might be, but I certainly know that A is and her brother is also at least. So her and her brother make that pair of toxic twins.

I remember you mentioning florida LOL.  I will tell you that since I'm back north, my mind is getting back together.  It's like it was cooked from the heat.  I've also met a bunch of people also in Fl. that have mental issues. It is kinda rampantly spread.  Why?  I don't know.  But I never did drink the water in Fl.  I always got Poland Springs... .coming to you straight from Maine!  :-)  They recycle to much in Fl.   YUCK!

[DyingLove]

DL,

I can relate to what you're talking about. It really hit me this morning that what my exBPDbf stole from me is hope. We were expecting a little one, we were going to be together, we were it for each other. I had such hopes for us and I was so optimistic. Now I feel like 'what do I have to look forward to or hope for?' I feel like he's stolen that optimism from me.

You hit it right on the head.  We were cheated.  Just like I wanted so badly to marry her. REALLY.  I went into the relationship with the thoughts of NEVER getting married because of my experience with my sons mother.  I changed my mind. I fell so in love with A that I'm still in love to this very exact moment.  Love her and in love with her.  So it was an ongoing kinda debate, and she said that one day we would be married, after the 9yo turned 18 or so.  She was so concerned with keeping her ex's last name for the sake of the child.  Really sickened me though... .But ok.  So along the way, I brought up marriage on several occasions and this one freakin' time she said to me, "do you really want to marry me?" and I got excited and said "YES!", there was a pause and I asked her the same: "did she want to marry me?", she said NO.  I was so crushed.  My hurt and pain could have leveled a city.

She has/had no clue how selfish her statement and thoughts were! At this exact moment, the simultaneous anger I have for her is incredible. I still cannot fathom how much she took away from me.  It's like torture, rip my teeth out one by one, drip water on my forehead, sheer torture. No chance for the hope and faith we once built up into a skyscraper.  The ex that promised a future, that promised all the Christmas's, and every New Year celebration, I would get to watch her grow old with me as well as the child grow into a woman. I always talked about the grand canyon and a trip with them to NYC in the winter... .all these trips, vacations, memories and never to be.  I can't continue.

I totally get it. After all his promises of marriage and forever, someone at the coffee place we used to go to asked if we were getting married... .And his answer " uhhhhh". But then again, he was attempting to triangulate me with every female he knew, even the barista.

That made me feel really bad and ashamed. And also really stupid.

That takes pain to a "whole nutha level". And then boom, they ditch us.

Mathematically speaking   4 years = Forever.

[going places]

I wanted her and her love and her family. She gave it all to me. It WAS mine for those 4 years. Then she took it all away from me. And I think she has no clue or not a care that she practically took my life away.  Now I don't have it.  I think that is what is killing me.

Before I rave on and get myself deeper into what I think is the root cause here, someone/everyone let me know your opinion.  I don't really know if I am at a differnt stage of the game,  my mind is not being my friend and my heart and my logic are battling it out constantly.  Help please.

For 20+ years, I gave my ex, my life.

My ex fits into the NPD / ASPD file nicely... .add in a sprinkling of addiction, and top it with a heaping helping of gaslighting? Well you can imagine what "scrambled brains" look like.

He bit by bit piece by piece chipped away at my being.

He drained my self confidence, my self esteem.

He twisted and manipulated words to the point I thought I was going insane... .

It was so bad, I started sending emails to him so he could not twist my words and yet he still did... .and even though I had it in black and white, I still doubted myself and wondered if he was right?

He was a monster.

He brought me so low, I would go into a full blown meltdown if I had to decided 'what's for dinner' with only a moments notice... .

What killed me was the lies.

It killed me that I was so stupid for believing them

It killed me that he was a complete fake.

It killed me what he did to our family... .and just didn't care. No, not one bit.

Finally, I said enough.

Indifference is really where I am today.

Does it make me sad he chose the things he did? Yes.

But, those were his choices. Not mine.

The less I think about him, and the more I think about my future, my goals, my hopes and dreams... .

The stronger and healthier I get.

I will be honest, I would have never made it out of this relationship alive, were not for my God; He is my Rock, and my Fortress. I would have been lost without Him.

(( EASY now... .I am moving to Florida: for the weather and the opportunities. I am in the Hospitality industry, and plan on opening my own bar/restaurant and Southern Florida is the perfect place to do it! )) 

[jhkbuzz]

She did a couple of things here:  She promised me love and forever with her and didn't deliver. She gave me a family, Her, her 18yo, and her 9yo, and took it and them away.

Thats it. In a nutshell without adding all the millions of complications.

Nice way to condense things Dying, that's clarity right there.

she practically took my life away.  Now I don't have it.  I think that is what is killing me.

It does feel like that, because of what we make it mean.  When we go emotionally all-in with someone and create a life together and that gets taken away, it can leave a big void.  I'm sorry that happened.  And it's not killing you, it's a challenge that has been presented to you to overcome, and you are strong enough or you wouldn't have been given that one.  And once you do, one day you'll have the opportunity to create a life with someone else, an older, wiser, better version of you, someone who will be able to spot personality disorders up front so you don't go down that path again. In the meantime, try rephrasing things like 'took my life away' and 'killing me', and you might want to consider changing your username here to something more empowering than DyingLove.  I'm not trying to minimize the pain you're in, I'm suggesting the labels we apply to things are powerful, and a little reframing can go a long way.  Take care of you!

It took me months to start to notice the "vocabulary" I was using in reference to my r/s and my ex - and luckily did some reading about the importance of "writing my own story" and creating meaning out of difficult events in my life.  It's really important to do this - and frame the story in a way that empowers you.

[enlighten me]

My son is watching a comedy special, there was a part where airport security was  made fun of.

Immediately, I said to my son, "I used to do that all the time!" I was introduced to flying and airports when my relationship with the ex began. The only reason I flew was to go to Florida to be with her.

So immediately after saying that to him, thoughts rushed thru my head at light speed, I got choked up, thick heavy feeling behind my eyes and a sadness that is second to none.  Thought of the traveling, her meeting me at the airport, her dropping me off at the airport, the happiness of seeing her and the sadness of leaving after my visits with her. (not talking breakup time).  My son is in the other room with customers and I'm sitting here wiping drops from my cheek before he comes back.  How embarrassing.  But how fast I was triggered and brought down.

I don't know why I drop from certain thoughts so darn quickly, tell me this friends, do you do this too?  Is it just that we keep it often to ourselves?

I have this but it doesnt hit me in a wave of emotion. Something triggers me and it slowly builds then sits there like cancer eating away at me until I can purge it. I can go days or even weeks ok then something will trigger me.